Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE
The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Hello everyone and a trunk full of thank yous to pps.

We are back from our very socially distant family holiday. It was by necessity all a little strange and restricted, but I feel grateful for a blast of much-missed sea air, and a welcome change of four walls and scenery.

I felt sure the children would be glad of a break from mum/mummy (!) so I took the opportunity and used any post-holiday momentum to get pretty much stuck straight back in today.

The trouble is, after five or six hours on The Dreaded Job - or rather one of them - I feel like another blast of sea air is much needed! And although I know this will sound very familiar, this chunk is taking much longer than estimated - probably three or four times as long.

Gin definitely needed tonight - I need to drink it, bath in it and soak my feet in it!

@NoSquirrels

Good to hear from you, Nutty and great idea too. He is certainly the sort of person to want to do that under normal circumstances, as am I. Unfortunately we are still very much at the stage where he wouldn't allow anyone else in. If I pushed it, he might shut the door on this, rather than face the shame. Even if he agreed, just for me, I know that it would upset and trouble him so very much. I don't want to put him through that, for as long as I can carry on. I do think it's an idea for the future though, for example if - when! - I can get the kitchen to a certain stage, where it is more reasonable. The other bonus is that it is possible to access the kitchen without going through the rest of the house. It is even possible to lock the door in between the kitchen and the rest of the house, which would reassure my friend more that no one could deliberately or accidentally wander through.

Just the thought of having your help for a day is bloody marvellous and lifts the spirits, even without it actually happening!

@Chemenger @Pashazade @cakeandchampagne @Jfw82 @weaselwords

Good to hear from you all again. I suppose the physical work - and I actually worked up a sweat today - helps me to work off all the gin and cake, thank you! Yes, it might be small chunks, but each full bin and recycling bin with extra bags and boxes feels strangely satisfying! The snail's pace I'm making has meant no skips or trips to the dump so far, but I think - or hope - the time will come.

Forgive the snail's pace responding to all pps. I always hope to get a round tuit but the time slips away and now I've got to deal with gin and cooking.

@EatingTheElephantInChunks you may or may not have mentioned but what part of the country are you in? If your friend wouldn't want other people there I understand but if you were near me I could run you a few car loads to a tip
so you didn't have to wait for the bins to be emptied (slim chance I know!)

That is so kind of you, @Jfw82. I will definitely keep it in mind for the future, thank you, in the unlikely event I get the sort of speed up that overwhelms the bins! I haven't given that sort of detail because of the need to protect my friend's privacy and cocoon him as snugly as possible from anyone putting two and two together. I felt that was the only way I could reasonably and fairly get some support and advice for myself on this journey. But as with other kind offers of help from pps, even the offer itself being made makes me feel a little more buoyant and less on my own in this, even if I can't accept.

The eagle-eyed and those with elephantlike memories might, like me, have realised that the two year anniversary of the thread came to pass last week. I find it hard to believe that my journey from the foothills of chunking has taken so long, and that there is currently no end in sight. I do still hope to reach the summit, or at least base camp. Although at times it is hard not to lose heart or to feel overwhelmed and a little hopeless, I do think that tackling the stuff of the kitchen is a pivotal moment.

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has stayed with me, perhaps against all reason, since the very start or early days, or who has joined me along the way. I hope those I have failed to reply to can forgive me. I read all the messages and they all matter to me. Thank you everyone for being part of my tribe.

More in hope than celebration at this point, I have bought my friend a new teapot, kettle, tea towels, oven mitts, washing up bowl and recycling bins. A toaster, dish drainer, door mat and bin are to follow. I look forward to the time when they can be unpacked in my friend's - by then - half decent kitchen and he can use them.

I hope you are all safe and well. Yours, in chunking

Blimey Ele is it really two years, how time flies and all that Jazz! I always loved it when I could buy nice new sets of things for the kitchen so I hope your friend gets to unpack them soon. It really is a Herculean task, but you seem to still be moving forward however steadily it may be. I'm guessing the kitchen gin fund won't be as good as the one from the upper rooms, I never find random coins in the kitchen but do everywhere else! Found any more terrifying fauna lately? Keep chunking

Nutty! Love it.

The other bonus is that it is possible to access the kitchen without going through the rest of the house. It is even possible to lock the door in between the kitchen and the rest of the house, which would reassure my friend more that no one could deliberately or accidentally wander through.

That is actually great news as hopefully you’ll be able to get some help in at some point, within your DF’s boundaries. I really hope the bits you’ve chunked so far - bathroom, bedroom, stairs etc - remain clear?

You are doing a great thing, Nellie. Happy 2-year chunkiversary! I think the kitchen IS base camp. With bathroom & kitchen clear, hygienic & liveable, the possibility of getting some help in must be closer and then it’ll start to speed up. Like a mortgage, the first bit’s just chilling away at it in small bits, all interest and no capital, and then it starts to pay off properly. You WILL eat the elephant.

Wow, just read your whole thread instead of decluttering my garage
You are an amazing friend! And the slow approach sounds right for him. Is he able to do some bits as well?
Anyway, you are an inspiration

Sorry I missed the anniversary, but sending virtual gin and cake to you! 🐘🐘🐘

You are such a kind and special person. In addition to giving practical help to your friend, you are making him not feel alone and showing him respect and compassion . I wish you and him all the good things.

Wow, what an amazing and inspiring thread! I've just read it all in one sitting and it has really helped me to feel better and more optimistic about my home. I'm still clawing my way back from a severe mental health breakdown and having had to concentrate all my energy on getting and keeping a job have had nothing left over for house and garden. It's not in the same league as Ele's friend's house but it is shabby and cluttered and I struggle with tiredness and lack of motivation.

Ele (hope it's not presumptious to use your nickname) you have helped me to see that I need to just keep chunking! I wish you and your friend every success in turning things around xx

Hello again. Here I am, turning up just as the first Autumn leaves are beginning to turn and fall. Thank you sincerely to all pps, especially the old familiars, and a very warm welcome to new posters.

Life continues to conspire, preventing me from having the residual time, energy and opportunity to make the sort of 'amazing progress!' I would like to see and to be here to report. As ever, I have tried to grab the odd hour whenever I can to at least do something on the basis that it is always progress towards the watering hole, and always an improvement, no matter how small. Even if it is just taking out the rubbish and recycling while also grabbing as many obvious, safe extras as I can in the time I have, or making sure there is a clean pillowcase and change of clothes, or checking, disinfecting and quarantining the supermarket deliveries, I hope it keeps things moving forward and life feeling that little bit better.

The Dreaded Job is still ongoing, and that is the biggest chunk I can report since my last post. I managed several hours both days last weekend, with a total of 91 laden trips outside. I know it is 91 because, yes, sad thing that I am, I kept count! I found that it helped to motivate me to keep going. The first day, I aimed to make it to double figures and then, when I got to 10, I aimed for 20, and then did a bonus one to reach 21, which earned me a cooling drink of water - much needed. After that, I aimed for another 35 with the reward of calling it a day, freshening up and a cup of tea and a biscuit. The next day was harder because the weather was hotter, but I used the same method and achieved another 35. It is good to see a little bit more space - albeit very gradually! - opening up, and who needs the gym?! That's just great, because how I hate the gym, never intending to cross the threshold - and I am most definitely adamant about that.

I had hoped to achieve the same this weekend, or even actually finish TDJ but, once again, the best laid schemes o' mice, elephants and all that jazz. Instead I had to content myself with the usual small 'keeping things ticking over' jobs, and I'm pleased to report that I did manage two small new chunks in the kitchen. The tops of both the fridge and the freezer are now clear and clean. Although it seems likely on the advice of pps that they will need to be disposed of, at the moment I can't quite get them outside and - hazmat suit at the ready, fear not pps! - open, empty and assess them. Until they are replaced, or sterilised and put back, they provide much needed worktop space as the kitchen is mainly freestanding and most of the rest is still out of bounds. It took much longer than you might imagine, but they were no ordinary counter tops. One now has daily foodstuffs on and a small preparation space, while the other has tea, coffee, hot chocolate and toast-making facilities. Although it seems wise to keep most of the new things packed away until the kitchen is much clearer, I did get out and put into active service the two new stoneware storage jars for teabags and sugar and also the new small plastic bin for food waste recycling - much better than being in boxes and bags. Those two spaces look so much better and are now functioning. They are tiny oases of what I hope all the kitchen will be by this Christmas. Next stop, the gas hob in between. It will also be so much better when TDJ is behind me and so that is my other important target.

I don't know how the worsening virus situation again is going to impact upon things, but I hope to be back soon. In the meantime, take care everyone. How are you all doing?

Good to hear from you Ele. It sounds like definite progress, clear surfaces are always a boon and it sounds like you've got a nice little prep/food zone. Fingers crossed lockdowns (however they may evolve) don't interfere with the good work.

Great job Ele.
Keep chunking on you are amazing

Not many people would/could do what you’re doing- and with such kindness.
You really are amazing.

Rising up from the depths of Housekeeping page 3 to say hello all and special greetings and thanks this time around to the very kind @Pashazade , @Jfw82 and @cakeandchampagne .

I never had any aspirations to be a 'page 3 girl', yet I find myself there and it probably serves me right for lack of progress and updates! Equally, I never had any aspirations to spend my weekends in a pair of fetching elbow-length black rubber gloves and boots and a mask, and yet....

As the weather and light have already begun to deteriorate at times, the year has marched on again in to October, and rapidly increasing Covid-19 cases once again mean further lockdown restrictions appear imminent, the work has become both more difficult and more pressing. With winter, Christmas and the virus all breathing down my neck, I feel a growing level of concern about the twin yet conflicting needs of achieving more and keeping us all safe and well.

The Dreaded Job count reached the dizzying heights at the weekend of 61, (37 + 24), plus some extra rubbish and recycling on top of the usual weekly bin stuffings. Saturday was a bit of a disaster personally, and I don't only mean the ongoing drought for The Gin Fund and the discovery of Spiderzilla, several live larvae, probably moth and numerous wood lice, thankfully deceased. It was pouring with rain but I couldn't wear a waterproof on my many journeys outside because of overheating with the quite heavy work. I was dripping wet, slipping and sliding and tripping around in the dark in the end, and shivering with cold once the physical activity stopped. Not only that, but the alarm I thought I had set to know when to stop, clear up, clean myself up and dry off didn't go off, and so I was late home for a planned family meal and evening. When I arrived back, like the proverbial drowned rat, all I wanted to do was wrap myself in layers of dressing gowns and blankets, and simultaneously hug the fire and mugs of hot tea, while I dried out and thawed out. Forgive the self-pity party, but even an elephant sometimes reaches her limits and needs to offload. I am also conscious that I can't pass these feelings on to my friend, because increased guilt is the last thing needed. More positively, I think one or two more chunks and TDJ will be history.

Thinking of you all, and hoping all is well and stays well in your world.

With apologies to anyone who read on expecting more glamour.

Bravo, Elephant, and here’s to the approaching end of TDJ.

I'm sure there was a page 3 girl with long rubber gloves at some point . You're doing an amazing job, can't blame you for the pity party, it sounds like you were thoroughly done in by the end of Saturday. You're doing a lot of hard work under bizarre circumstances, you're allowed to have big wobbles. Keep on chunking.

Are you going to do anything to mark the end of the dread job?

You are an angel and doing more than a lot of people would.

Please take care of yourself, Nellie. I know it’s out of your friend’s comfort zone to accept external help but actually facing fears is an important thing and enabling avoidance for too long might do more harm than good so do keep considering if it’s something you can nudge them towards. If you had a companion who could help in strict confidence it would be so helpful for you and your friend.

You’re an excellent human/elephant. Hope gin fund contributions resume at some point!

The wet weather makes it ridiculously challenging.
Well done!

Delurking to say lovely to come back on to mn and find you here still valiantly tackling the huge job you set yourself. Big unmumsnetty hugs to you, your family and your friend. You are a star, working quietly away improving someone's life. Stay safe and well and update us when you can.