Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Hello again. I did about five hours last night, but it hardly looked like I'd made a dent in it. It was starting to come light and the first bird was singing as I packed up. Without going into too much detail, it was hard physical and unpleasant work, needing double gloves and double masks at the worst point. I bagged up my clothes afterwards, disinfected the soles of my trainers, brushed my hair out vigorously upside down and washed my exposed skin. I even sprayed on a little perfume. I have probably two more chunks of work of a similar type and timescale to do, hopefully later today and tomorrow. I feel like I need to get that aspect over with as soon as possible, although my arms, back and neck are aching from bending and weightlifting. As I found myself doubling up the masks and gloves, I realised that I don't remember feeling anxious about the possible health implications of all this before. Perhaps it is because of the nature of this part of the task, or that it is on top of the Covid-19 situation. Needless to say, I'll be glad when this part is over, even if there are still challenges - including in the shape of a fridge and freezer - ahead. I already had huge respect for frontline medical staff working with Covid-19 patients, but seeing how hot, dehydrated and uncomfortable I felt wearing even partial PPE for a few hours, my respect for them has only increased. Until now, the kitchen has been more about dodging rusty tin cans and rabid spiders and moths, but at dawn this morning I was too tired and thirsty even for the long, cool G&T I had promised myself. It was a physically and emotionally draining few hours, and quite lonely. What kept me going was imagining the end result for my friend, thinking of the pps here willing me on, and probably an unhealthy dose of bloody-mindedness. It can't stay like that any longer and, if I can help it, it won't beat me. It felt quite symbolic opening the back door to the world, and I have to admit to a few rather unexpected quiet tears at the time.

I hope all is well in your world.

Wow Ele that sounds tough! Can you listen to an audio book whilst you clean (quietly I presume if you're working in the wee small hours...) I'm guessing the freezer may just be a giant lump of ice so you probably want to save the whole fridge/freezer thing to last so you've got space for defrosting (assuming it has actually been running the entire time). It does really sound gruelling but I think you're taking the right approach in just getting this bit done. Maybe wrap you're head in a scarf for the next bout so you know it doesn't matter if bits are in the air so to speak. Just keep chunking 🐘🐘🐘💐

Lovely Ellie! Well done. It sounds awful, but I think the kitchen will be the worst so even if the next few sessions are extra-tough, in the medium term it will get easier. Is there anyone you could call in to help just for one day to break it up a bit for you?

I imagine your friend must have found lockdown very difficult.

Well done in the kitchen! And hurray for a back door that now opens!

Your posts are so inspiring!
Just a thought regarding those appliances - I know you had said they have been sitting unused for quite a few years, and that the power was off for a while (although restored again now).
Personally I'd be a bit concerned about using them (bad experience involving a dishwasher of all things setting alight a previous home!) and wondered if your friend has side access to the rear garden? I know he was very concerned about strangers seeing the house, hence declining a cleaner or other services. If so, maybe new appliances could be brought in via the back door and the old ones removed, without the installer having to see the rest of the house?

Amazing work. It must be so satisfying to see each patch emerge.

Well done you are amazing, what are you doing with all the black bags?

Just came across this thread.

You are bloody fantastic. I am so amazed by what you have done. You truly are an amazing person and such a good friend.

I've done clean ups for my parents several times over the years. Always ends up exactly the same after a few weeks. Last year I did it over a week and had over 20 Black bags from just the attic. I'm resigned to thinking it won't improve until the final one ( after they die)

Bless you, Nellie. Amazing work.

I second - third? - posters saying please consider fridge/freezer v carefully & perhaps just accept they’re collateral damage & should just be hauled out as they are.

Do you have overalls? A good old-fashioned boiler suit might be in order?

We are trumpeting you on.

Keep on trumpeting Nellie

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Elephants....

Having been suddenly stopped in my tracks for several days by an unexpected family health emergency, that mountain of an awful job is unfortunately still largely waiting for me. It's so frustrating because I really had worked up a head of steam to tackle it, but these things can't be helped and had, of course, to take priority.

I have however managed to get rid of all the recycling, food waste and rubbish amassed so far from the start of the kitchen chunking. The collections will take any amount of recycling, and I managed to squash, cram and compact all the rubbish bags into the bin and into several neighbours bins just before the lorry came and they were all still in bed so I was absolutely sure they didn't need the space.

My penance for being a secret bin usurper is having to soon return to this particular fearful chunk not once but twice more, lest anyone is eyeing me with an air of disapproval.

An elephant-sized thank you and hello to pps, old and new.

It's heartwarming to see old familiars turning up again, and more who have name-changed. I am trying to work those out, unless anyone would like to PM me in confidence and help me with my ruminations?! No pressure at all to do so though.

The end of new pp wishy's message really hit home. I didn't want to be doing this for my friend after he had gone. In reality in those circumstances it would probably mostly have just been cleared out at one fell swoop, and not by me. It wasn't just the thought of many precious things being unremarked upon, not enjoyed or valued, just treated like rubbish and lost. It's that I want to do this for him to live, not because the unmentionable alternative has happened.

When I was chunking in the kitchen last week, I was struck by the number of empty old soup cans and ready meal trays. At the time, I was preoccupied with trying to avoid mortal injury on the sharp metal. It eventually struck me though that, eating alone, with decreasing facilities, health and happiness, my friend must have been living on tins of soup and ready meals for one for quite some time. In the past, he had enjoyed cooking for himself and others. At a time when he had needed fresh, nutritious and tempting food even more, sometimes with company, for his mental and physical wellbeing, he had increasingly been without it. This thought, standing there among the growing pile of rusty cans and mouldy trays, made me feel incredibly sad.

You usually see written or hear said about people living, or worse, in these circumstances, that they are or were 'private people', 'loners', that they 'had withdrawn' from their friends and neighbours, from society. Perhaps this is said to excuse us because, through my friend, I now see this is not necessarily true. He has not been existing like this, eating like this, because he is lazy or has made an active life choice. He is not a loner - he is, instead, lonely.

If you notice someone is changed, someone is missing, perhaps ask yourself how much have they withdrawn from you, and how much have you actually withdrawn from them? And then perhaps ask yourself why? I wish I had, much earlier, with my friend.

@EatingTheElephantInChunks

An elephant-sized thank you and hello to pps, old and new.

It's heartwarming to see old familiars turning up again, and more who have name-changed. I am trying to work those out, unless anyone would like to PM me in confidence and help me with my ruminations?! No pressure at all to do so though.

The end of new pp wishy's message really hit home. I didn't want to be doing this for my friend after he had gone. In reality in those circumstances it would probably mostly have just been cleared out at one fell swoop, and not by me. It wasn't just the thought of many precious things being unremarked upon, not enjoyed or valued, just treated like rubbish and lost. It's that I want to do this for him to live, not because the unmentionable alternative has happened.

When I was chunking in the kitchen last week, I was struck by the number of empty old soup cans and ready meal trays. At the time, I was preoccupied with trying to avoid mortal injury on the sharp metal. It eventually struck me though that, eating alone, with decreasing facilities, health and happiness, my friend must have been living on tins of soup and ready meals for one for quite some time. In the past, he had enjoyed cooking for himself and others. At a time when he had needed fresh, nutritious and tempting food even more, sometimes with company, for his mental and physical wellbeing, he had increasingly been without it. This thought, standing there among the growing pile of rusty cans and mouldy trays, made me feel incredibly sad.

You usually see written or hear said about people living, or worse, in these circumstances, that they are or were 'private people', 'loners', that they 'had withdrawn' from their friends and neighbours, from society. Perhaps this is said to excuse us because, through my friend, I now see this is not necessarily true. He has not been existing like this, eating like this, because he is lazy or has made an active life choice. He is not a loner - he is, instead, lonely.

If you notice someone is changed, someone is missing, perhaps ask yourself how much have they withdrawn from you, and how much have you actually withdrawn from them? And then perhaps ask yourself why? I wish I had, much earlier, with my friend.

I've realised they just can't keep it tidy or clean. I get stressed out visiting there and find myself cleaning when I get home. I have to bite my tongue when I'm there because it's so easily sorted.
Every surface has clutter and bits of nothing.
I think my dad may have MH issues because he can't get rid of things and will take anyone's junk if it's free. The garden is like a salvage yard. I think it stems from a poor upbringing so now he can't help but have things. My mother has given up and his issues have brought her down. I can't keep doing it for them when they won't maintain it because it upsets me. It hurts and I hate seeing them live like it. I won't take hubby there because I'm mortified. I took a week off work last time and spent hours and hours there.

Nelly. You really are amazing. I've only touched the edge of what you're doing x

Wow fantastic Nellie, I love checking in and see how you have been getting on. I'm sure your friend really appreciates it! I know you can't / wouldn't do this as it's your friend's house but it would be amazing to see before and after pictures. I hope you're doing some pics for yourself after all your hard work

I love reading your updates OP. Your kindness shines out of every post. I'm not sure I can even remember the previous user names I've posted under but I've been reading with admiration for quite some time.

What's the situation with the appliances at the moment, and how is your friend managing his food & meals if you don't mind me asking?

Oh and I hope you have some tonic in your own fridge and some gin in your cupboard for after your next session x

I've lurked on this thread for a while and I think you've done an amazing thing for your friend. I felt sad reading your last post about him being lonely rather than a loner. I imagined him standing in his kitchen feeling hungry but looking round feeling overwhelmed with the mess and the hopelessness of his situation that his only option was a can of soup or ready meal

I'm hoping your friend is trying their best to keep on top of what you've already achieved. Well done, you're a lovely friend.

I missed your updates! Good to hear your progress. Sending and to help you.

Just swinging by to say hello and with a very quick update. Not a lot of progress has been made since my last post. With my own family responsibilities and challenges this strange summer, I have mainly concentrated on supporting my friend emotionally, the garden and sorting out regular shopping deliveries, ensuring it's all properly disinfected or quarantined. I have just about managed to make sure the big rubbish and recycling bins are full to the brim each time, which at least helps to prevent any more build up and, with as much extra as I can manage to do from the kitchen and rest of the house, feels at least like small chunks of progress. One of the most dreaded jobs, which I was about a third of the way through, is still hanging over me. It is a shame because I was raring to get it over with, albeit reluctantly! It isn't what I hoped to have achieved, but I suppose it is not standing completely still or growing much. At the moment, while my friend can be out in the garden quite a lot, that feels a little better. But I really don't want the kitchen to be as it is for another Autumn, Winter and Christmas. So that is my aim and personal challenge, to begin really tackling that again in a couple of weeks or so. Wish me luck? I think - no, I know - I'll need it.

Wishing everyone well, and thank you pps - will try to reply more individually soon.

Good to hear from you

Lovely to hear the update - you are doing a great job!

The “full to the brim” bins will help a lot!
Good luck with the kitchen!

Glad to hear from you Ele. You will get there and actually making sure that you take full advantage of the bins each time they go is progress, even if it is a bit at a time. I know you'll get through the kitchen. Here's some and some to see you on your way. Oh and a bucket of luck if you think it's really necessary 😉.

Every little helps, those full bins will eventually start to make a difference. I’m amazed at how many trips we can make to the tip from our apparently normal, uncluttered house, never mind one that is full of stuff. Keep on keeping on.

Hey Nellie - any chance your DF might pay a teen or graduate looking for work to help you with the kitchen? I know you’ve said they’re sensitive about who comes in and sees things but I feel you really do need some help... ? I’d love to help you just for a day! If you could sell it as giving employment to a young person who needs it, under your supervision, would DF feel better - it’s helping someone else if they get employment and experience from it?