Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Hello again and thank you so much for posting, Minor and math.

I am still plodding slowly on, but as you will know we elephants aren't built for speed, except in short bursts!

Partly because of a suggestion early on the thread, I managed to watch an episode of Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners, (I think that's the name of it), just recently. It made me feel rather disheartened because of how much progress they made in just a few days, when it's taking me much, much longer here. I've tried to look at it from the point of view that I can only do what I can do, and in some ways at least it is probably better for my friend psychologically that it's happening more slowly. There is just me, with very limited time and energy because of my other commitments, whereas it seems that the people in the programme can commit several full long days to it, and have help from the householder, family, crew and paid workers. I am also a bit more afraid of the kitchen, having seen them tackle a fridge and freezer!

One thing I've found really hard is the gradual realisation that I probably won't get certain things done in time for Christmas. I'm really disappointed and a bit upset about this. I had underestimated just how long things would take, and had some unexpected setbacks which have kept me away, such as family illness. I keep reminding myself though that at least it is better than it was, and it will continue along that path for however long it takes or however long I can manage it.

Small things are heartening though, like now being able to store most of a recent quite large medical delivery away, and there being room for an oil fired heater in the living room next to the desk at the beginning of this cold spell.

I am also pleased to announce a new bottle of gin at long last - Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Blackfriars Dry London, which was good value at £16 and does well in reviews. Only 2 tots down so far, and plenty to go, perhaps as dust-busting treats for chunks achieved.

So another load of rubbish has gone and another is ready to go now. Another large load of recycling has gone too, much to the chagrin of the binmen! I happened to be there at the time of collection, and spotted them through the window looking disgruntled, gesticulating towards the house and muttering! I was torn between feeling sympathy for them for having to take away so much, and wanting to open the window and shout 'stop complaining, you haven't taken much away from here for years!'

It's just more catching up, I suppose. 🐘

Don't get disheartened Eating you're doing an awesome job and you are doing it all by yourself. The levels of help they get on these programmes is utterly unrealistic for most people. This way it's also less of a shock for your friend. Can you maybe aim to clear a spot for a Xmas tree/some decorations if that would make you feel better for your friend. It is a mammoth (boom tish) task and you will get there. I've recently discovered a rather lovely gin in Aldi. It's "Botanical project, traditional batch gin" by Eden Mill (cream bottle, green writing). So perhaps one to try when you've finished the current bottle . 

I think most hoarders on those shows get virtually no support and change their behaviours very little. Your way is much more likely to lead to actual lasting results.

I haven't read the whole thread just the start and 3 of your recent updates.you are such a darling! There is a lovely chap on our street who sounds just like your neighbour. This is really tempting me to offer to help him out.

I just want to say you are an amazing friend, your friend is very lucky to have you. Maybe you can look at what you are doing as gently turning the tide; eventually the whole beach will be exposed as clear and beautiful sand. Doing everything abruptly would be more of a tsunami of change, clears everything but does damage. I know nothing about hoarding but it seems to me that your gradual improvements will give your friend much more time to adjust and assimilate the changes and hopefully come to new habits.

Keep going, there must be so many people on here who wish they had a friend as kind and generous as you.

Keep it up and don't get disheartened! Look back at what it was like before you started if you start to feel gloomy. And the thought that your poor friend will live so much more comfortably with each square foot cleared will cheer you up.

Just popping in to say a quick thank you for the posts. I'll reply properly soon, but I'm currently back on the landing, tunnelling away, back in 2014. Sadly I've had to throw away a risky looking unopened bar of chocolate BBE2015, but all is not lost - I'm sipping slowly on a (small) glass of dry white while I work!

You might be thinking: 'what a way to spend a Saturday night ' - that has not escaped me either!

Keep it up! Enjoy your wine

Thank you! I'm here again, this time with a woolly mammoth jumper and mug of hot coffee, back on the landing in 2012. Pondering on how I'll keep warm doing this when the really cold weather comes. I could do with being a Woolly Mammoth then, rather than an elephant.

And credit must go to Pash for the mammoth (boom tish) puns!

On the subject of keeping warm, a couple of queries about oil-filled radiators, if anyone has any know-how please?

I bought (friend refunded, don't worry, thank you, concerned cash watchers) a new one for the living room desk area as mentioned upthread. There are 2 others, currently (no pun intended) not working. The first smaller one has one pin (if that's the right word) broken off the plug - is it safe to chop the moulded on plug off and put a new one on? The second larger one has the red light on when plugged in so is getting power, but isn't warming up - any thoughts on why this isn't working? Neither of them are particularly old and they're not cheap to buy, so it would be a shame just to throw them out and replace unnecessarily - also thinking about landfill, sorry!

Any tips from the knowledgeable gratefully received.

It’s fine to put a new plug on the one with the broken plug. There are some YouTube videos on repairing oil filled heaters, might be worth a look.

Thanks chem.

I've just finished scrubbing and cleaning the floor on the next landing chunk. With hindsight, I should probably have worn a dust mask, as the bottom layer was very dusty and a bit mouldy with something that was possibly once an incoming, or intended outgoing, gift of food or confectionery. I did actually find a new pack of dust masks too, as I tunnelled today, purchased in 2012 but never used.

It does feel good to have another bit of floor visible, clear and first-cleaned. It's more time-consuming having to keep moving things out and back again so I have space to work and then so my friend has access again when I finish for the day, but that will get better over time as more space is cleared.

Another small improvement for my friend when his kettle broke, but I was quickly able to provide him with a brand new one, found in a previous chunk of sorting! That would never have happened in the past. He wouldn't have been able to find it, or remembered he had it, and would have had to buy yet another one.

The grand sum of £30.20 found - £30 for my friend, (after it's been exchanged for new £10 notes), once given to him in a birthday card but never spent, and a loose 20p for my Gin Fund.

When you start to get hungry looking at a bar of Green and Black's Dark Chocolate and Cherry, circa 2011, it's time to go home!

🐘

I’ll say it again: you are amazing! Your friend is very lucky to have you.

Bravo Nellie! Hope you got some nice chocs (in date) when you got home

Step back from chocolate that is old enough to be in school!

Thanks all!

Sadly no nice in date chocolates at home that evening, but I did manage a glass of dry white and 2 chocolate digestive biscuits!

I will also be adding 'chocolate old enough for school' to the 5 second rule - that did make me laugh!

No clearing and cleaning today as busy with the DCs, but I did manage to pass on 3 bags of my friend's unwanted things to a new home where they're needed, welcome and will be used.

I also stocked up on more bleach, anti-bac wipes and disinfectant today. I got quite excited to find Zoflora Lemon Zest to try for the first time - sad but true!

Hello Nellie, conscious I have not stopped by in a while and was wondering how you're getting on. Glad to hear the hoarded kettle came in handy! It sounds like you're making great progress xx

Thanks very much blitzen. I'm amazed and grateful anyone is still with me - let's face it, it's hardly a live action fast moving thread, is it?! To many, it must be like watching paint dry, only possibly less exciting.

I seem to remember that you recommended Elephant Gin, blitzen? I was lucky enough to be given a sample of it to try recently, and it's definitely now on my wish list. Lovely, and like you said, it's also helping to raise money and awareness for elephant conservation. I tried it with tonic, ice and lemon as I'm a boring traditionalist, but I saw they suggest it with a chunk (!) of apple instead. I'll try it that way if ever I have a bottle, perhaps by way of a chunking wrap party one day with my trickling in Gin Fund. Well, an elephant can dream that that day will come...

Love this thread

It's lovely to hear you're still making progress. It also shows how hoarding so rarely pays off, as usually you forget you have the spare or can't find it when you need it! It's great it did with the kettle though.

Thanks so much, Hell and lee.

I have to agree, lee - doing this for my friend, I can see all this clutter, or hoarding, or being overwhelmed by life events and falling behind, or whatever it is, rarely pays off. I'd go further and say that it never pays off, because if I balance out all the negative implications for my friend, they far outway any positive ones like having a spare kettle. As it was only available because it just happened to have been in a chunk I'd cleared and first-cleaned, I'm not sure even the kettle can be counted as a positive.

All the things bought in advance, as bargains or spares or gifts or projects, all the things kept to 'come in one day' or be repaired, all the things held on to because of connections to precious memories and people. They all get increasingly dusty and eventually mixed in with recycling and rubbish. Ultimately they get lost, or forgotten, or crushed, or damp, or mouldy or go out of date. In essence they become rubbish and recycling. They can't be used, enjoyed or treasured after all. They end up having to be thrown away, even some precious things, sadly. Worse is that home is gradually engulfed, and stops being functional, practical, safe and cosy. It eventually becomes a barrier to the outside world, to family and friends, to hobbies and interests. What can start because of grief or loneliness, anxiety or depression, then ends up only adding to those feelings and becoming another cause of them.

A bit of a barrier is fine, and what most of us need, when home and a lockable front door provides some much needed privacy and an escape from outside stresses. But when it becomes all consuming it becomes a prison of loneliness, embarrassment and shame.

It doesn't have to stay that way. And if that thought doesn't motivate me to keep on chunking, nothing will.

You could write a book on this.