Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

That's a Very Fine Trunk you've got coming, Well.

I'm sorry that you felt dispirited. It's humbling to know that the thread helped. I think it's to be expected, feeling dispirited. I certainly feel it at times, given the enormity of the task and the limits of time and energy. This lost week has been frustrating. The thread helps me too.

It's a long, long road. Dispirited at times, yes, maybe, (re-spirited in my case - see PPs ), but we can keep on keeping on.

So first you clear a space to put it, Well, and then - another day, another week, whatever - you gradually clear a little space around it, and then from which to better admire it.

It's your Elephant in the room.

What are these "Squirrel Tendencies" of which you speak, eh, Nellie?

Glad to hear your visit yesterday was heartening. It really is great news that it's staying tidy and easier for your friend to maintain and find things.

Hope the headache subsides. Here is some instead of .

Funnily enough, you did pop into my head as I typed that, can't think why?! Hope all's well and you're keeping on top of your nuts, Nuts? Thanks for the , don't mind if I do. You're right, good for the headache and much better for a regained sense of Dry September achievement.

A bit more of an update from yesterday's visit:

All the recycling I'd put out had gone, so I was able to put out all the rubbish ready for collection. That means there's now some space to fill more rubbish and recycling bags, which is great. It also means I've got to get a move on again, as I don't want to miss the next opportunity to get rid of a load of recycling. Every load is a tangible measure of progress, and less skip space to pay for in the future. No pressure then, especially as I know it makes my friend feel a bit better too.

I noticed a couple of things on the cleared and cleaned stairs, but sighed in relief as I saw they were essential shopping actually just waiting to go upstairs - so that was absolutely fine. It even looked to me like the stair edges had been wiped, as they'd normally be gathering dust again by now. In the bathroom, I noticed that a bag of plastics/glass recycling I'd left had gone out, a paper/card recycling bag had been added to with things he'd used since, the loo rolls had been restocked, there was a clean hand towel, the window was open letting in fresh air, and the sink and loo had been wiped around - I'd left a pack of anti-bac wipes out so this can be done more easily now. The puss had fresh water and a clean food bowl, the litter tray had had its weekly full change, and it looked like it's been attended to daily because the poop bags I'd left out with scoop and gloves to make this easier had gone down in good number. The only negative I could see was that my friend had put a cat food bowl in a sealed bag to deal with later, rather than dealt with it at the time. I could see why (stop reading now if you're remotely squeamish) because it'd had a fly strike - an occasional peril of pet food out on a warm day with windows open, unfortunately. I will deal with it on my next visit, as penance for falling off the Dry September wagon.

So all in all, a pretty good level of maintenance for well over a week. It wasn't like my friend was expecting me and had rushed around improving things before I arrived. I just rang from the end of the road to see if I could pop in to say hello. Early days of course, and we're talking about small areas still, but it's a good start, I think.

One thing I've realised I need to do, perhaps as a natural reorganisating break once I've blasted through the landing tunnel to the bedrooms, is sort through again and label all the crates. My friend couldn't find anything before, and I don't want him to be in a similar situation with the crates. It will make it easier for me too, working out what needs to go where as the existing drawers and cupboards are cleared out for use, and so I can see how much more storage furniture he needs.

I'm really hoping to get back to it tomorrow. I can already feel the days ticking down faster to winter and to Christmas. I also sensed a slight drop in my friend's mood, and although the break couldn't be helped, I feel a sense of responsibility to continue what we've started as soon as possible.

A for anyone who noticed that reorganisating is not, to my knowledge at least, an actual word.

*reorganising.

Just a tip re fly eggs in cat food, as soon as I notice any I pour boiling water over then tip away the water plus eggs down the sink. Followed by lots more boiling water. Disgusting but effective!
Congratulations on all your amazing progress, it sounds as if your friend is really benefitting and is keeping in too of things much better now.

Oh yes, yes, the grapes! You are doing brilliantly.

WellThisIsShit

That is a splendid trunk. There is a hint of The Mystery Of The East about it.

Thanks math! 🍇

Hello and welcome, fishfingers. Thanks for your kind words. My friend had tried to do something, at least - he'd poured disinfectant in, but they just swam in it, apparently - yuck, and the cheek of it! Hence the sealed up bag of shame. It will be so much easier when he's (one day, hopefully!) got access to everything again. I've only experienced it once over the years. I remember rushing outside with the bowl, scraping it all into a bag with a stick, triple bagging it, and throwing it in the bin - all done at arms length and I'm sure with a face like I was sucking a lemon! Thanks very much for the tip!

Hello ElephantChunks - I have also helped clear another’s home. The lady I helped was elderly, and the clearing process was timely for her. She encouraged herself that the desire to buy and fill up her home with more things wasn’t helpful to her wellbeing, and she was quite happy without buying more. She then did focus more on human relationships and less with ‘stuff’. It really helped her. I didn’t tackle the clearing alone. Others helped too, but only one of us was in the home at a time.

Is your friend an older, retired person, and do they still shop for more items?

Like so many reading this, I have enjoyed the thread. I find it uplifting, and also inspiring. I need to tackle my own wardrobe. I have too many clothes and the wardrobe is rammed full making it hard to put the clean washing away, as well as choosing and finding what to wear.

I will get all my jumpers out this evening and see how few I can put back on hangers, and how many can go to the charity containers at the supermarket tomorrow.

Thank you for sharing your story. The house sounds grand with a nice staircase. I wondered, just asking, do you love cleaning and sorting at home? Is the house grand, like I imagine? xx

Trying to tackle our bedroom today and I am realising how much crap dh keeps and never deals with. The boxes things came in, every bloody receipt, clothes he has worn for 15 +years and most of all unopened post!
I always blame myself for any mess in our house I grew up in chaos and dh lived in a show home (to me anyhow).
Now I think it's me that's chucking stuff and keeping chaos at bay!?
Anyway maybe I need this ' chunking' system? Not to mention some shelves and

Just a quick update. I couldn't go for long tonight because of evening commitments with a DC, but despite still feeling a bit under the weather I was raring to go for an hour's hard slog clearing on the landing. It didn't quite work out like that. When I arrived I just knew that my friend needed company and a bit of practical help just with ordinary things instead. I took out a bag of rubbish, sorted out the cat, went for some shopping essentials including for an evening meal for him, and just sat with him for a while. Not what I had planned, and perhaps a little frustrating not to get any further, but it wasn't what was really needed tonight. But that's OK.

Thanks so much for your posts, Happify and hugo. I've got an urgent appointment with my bed, so will reply more tomorrow.

For tomorrow is a new day.

Great thread OP! You sound fab. I love your updates. It sounds like an awful lot of work but there is no harm in doing it slowly. Best of luck with everything, especially your knees and back.

Things I have learned so far today:

Piles of old newspapers, catalogues, leaflets and receipts may be untidy, dust-gathering, space-eating and generally unnecessary, but they do come in very useful in dating precious photos and cards found amongst them.

And pine needles dropped from Christmas trees may be sharp, but they are not as sharp as those dropped several years ago. Ouch.

You win some, you lose some.

Today while my friend was out I took the opportunity to start clearing under a desk, which is in a corner where he usually sits. It was arranged with him so that it wouldn't come as a shock when he got home. He had put the 3 crates he'd packed with some books and DVDs on top of the desk, and it seemed a good idea to follow his lead in starting a bit of work in this area. My knees will tell you that I've been rolling back the years to early 2015 so far, there's a solid bag of recycling to go out, plus a small amount of rubbish and things to keep. I'm about half way to my friend actually being able to get his knees under his desk again. One day it will be a good place to sit and work or write again. One day.

Hello Honest. It's a good job there's no harm in slow, because I'm about as slow as slow gets! Welcome, and thanks so much for your kind post.

Hello hugo. I hope you got on ok with your bedroom. The things you mentioned your DH keeping sound familiar here too.

I think people who grew up in show homes sometimes had a DM who did it all, (either with or without the help of a cleaner). Sometimes they don't learn that keeping a family home in such pristine condition actually takes a lot of regular work and somebody has to do it.

The other thing about show homes is that sometimes possessions are cleared out regularly and quickly, and for a child that can be quite upsetting, even brutal, if it's things like toys (or even pets being got rid of) you're very attached to. So perhaps you then tend to hold on to your possessions for longer when it's you, as an adult, making decisions.

We have a show home acquaintance who, for example, throws away birthday cards the very night of the DCs birthdays, there's never a toy or book left out, and toys in the garden or playing in the garden has never really been allowed. Possibly it's all too messy, germ-gathering and uncontrolled.

I don't know if any of that experience fits with your DH? He hasn't experienced what it's like to grow up in chaos either, so he won't be as keen to keep it at bay as you.

Good luck trying the chunks, and some new shelves would be a great place to put your wine while you work.

Nellie your post really touched me. You are so kind.
I think you are probably right about mine and dh childhoods and the reasons for our crappy housekeeping.
The bedroom is having to wait until next week when I am not working. Good luck with your endeavors today.

Nellie you’re doing so well to respond to your friend’s needs as well as being Chief Chucker-Outer. It may be slow but signs of progress if he’s helping a little too now. You’ll inspire him, I’m sure.

for your first month of chunking and chucking.

Oh Nuts, I hadn't realised that I'd been at this for a month already! I'm torn between laughing and crying about that. I feel a sense of achievement for having made a start, the bags of rubbish and recycling that have gone, the important things found, the floor space visible for the first time in years, and some things being a tiny bit easier for my friend, (who perhaps also now feels like somebody really cares). Unfortunately, despite all that hard work, a month's worth of chunks does not add up to very much of the whole elephant.

Sorry to sound a bit dispirited. Thanks so much for the support.

Hello again hugo. I meant to mention about the unopened post. The only time I've come across this before, the person was seeking to withdraw from the world in some way, (depression and PTSD), and letters coming had previously, even many years before, been a source of great distress and worry, related to debts and divorce. Again I don't know if you can relate this to your DH at all.

I hope that you can meet in the middle, somewhere between his childhood and your's, and find a way of running your home together that suits you both. Good luck with your bedroom next week - since starting this, I've found it helps if I look at the week ahead and book in the times I'm available to do a chunk, even if it's just an hour's worth. It all helps. It doesn't always work out if something comes up, especially with the DCs, but it's a plan to aim for. Thanks so much for your support.

Hello and welcome, Happify. How's your wardrobe coming along? I was really interested to read about your experience, especially as it had a more positive outcome than others. Thank you for such a kind post. May I ask, were you helping as a friend or family member, or was it your job? Any tips welcome!

Your enquiries made me smile. No, I certainly wouldn't say I love housekeeping at home - in fact I have regrets about not taking on a cleaner a few years ago and especially when the DCs starting turning up. I wouldn't say I'm particularly houseproud and I'm certainly not a minimalist. There's books, and toys and pets about. I would be as unhappy in a show home as I would be in the opposite end of the spectrum. There's a sense of satisfaction, certainly, but it's more about creating a home where everyone is comfortable and happy, and - ideally - has clean socks and pants in the drawer!

And my friend - no, he's not an older retired person. He hasn't bought anything unnecessary in the last month, no, but it's early days! And his home certainly isn't tiny, but it isn't grand in a stately home fashion either, thank goodness! Can you imagine? This is already going to be the longest-running thread in the history of mumsnet as it is!

I'd be running for the hills!

Just a quick update from yesterday:

I carried on clearing under the desk, and the good news is that I managed to strike gold (the floor) in a third of the space. I'm also down to about a foot and a half in height in the other 2 thirds. Another solid bag of recycling, half a bag of plastics/metals and a huge broken plastic tub for recycling, together with a bag of rubbish, all went out. There were some things to keep, but they're in a bag for now for later sorting and cleaning.

Unfortunately as I got close to the floor the damp became apparent, so some papers and other items were too musty, mouldy and damp to save or recycle. I diluted some bleach and washed that area of the floor and walls down, and put an electric oil-filled radiator on next to it to start drying it out. Hopefully it will be looking and smelling better by today, and most importantly be healthier. This morning I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and a slightly red eye, and I wonder if the dust and damp I encountered yesterday is anything to do with it. I think damp is going to be a problem on most of the ground floor, so I probably need to take some precautions with a dust mask and separate clothing when working in areas of it. Any advice on this welcome. I do wear strong rubber gloves and give my trunk nose a good blow regularly.

Things I learned yesterday:

It's incredibly sad to have to throw out someone's precious cards deliberately saved from 4 years ago, but when damp gets to them to that degree, it's unavoidable.

And if you are given, or buy as a gift, seaside souvenirs of fudge and sticks of rock, please either eat them, give them away, or throw them away! Certainly don't leave them under a damp desk for 3-4 years please, because they turn into an almost unrecognisable sticky mass of sugar and colouring, and somebody like me might get their rubber gloves stuck together with it!

Hope to have a chunk more to report this weekend, if ever I can get my rubber gloves unstuck that is. Quite a good excuse for not being able to do any more work, that one.

I was wondering if a Henry hoover might be useful. The older versions are dual speed. You could put a mesh over the end and leave it running whilst you're dusting or use it to dust into so to speak. Especially if you're hitting any thick piles of dust. The mesh would mean you wouldn't loose anything to the hoover. A heavy duty breathing mask might be wise otherwise especially if you can't ventilate the rooms easily. You're doing an amazing job.

Ewwww. I bloody hate rock and fudge. Poor you, Nellie.

Please do wear a mask. I know it might seem overkill but you really MUST take care of yourself. No good to anyone if you don't. You can pick them up cheaply in B&Q or whatever.

I'm enjoying this thread so much. Nellie you are amazing and a good friend.

You know, in a way that damp has done your friend a favour, he no longer needs to hold onto those cards. He had the joy of receiving them and feeling appreciated and loved, to me that's the thing to hold onto

Nellie Inspired by you I’ve sorted through two more drawers today. Eating the elephant in chunks, very slowly here too. Though from a much easier base point.

Thanks for your beautiful writing.