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Housekeeping

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Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

999 replies

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 14/08/2018 17:48

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE
The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

OP posts:
SmellMyBeads · 06/09/2018 18:02

Haven't had time to read the full thread.

I'd a friend call me a few years back about not being able to cope and her home was in bits.

Saying in bits was an understatement. She'd 15+ cats in the house. Every single bit of space was caked in cat shit. Even the cooker.

I cleaned for days, but I flagged it to an animal welfare charity. She needed more help than a deep clean. I hope you do the same for your friend. Otherwise it's back to the way it was very soon

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 06/09/2018 19:11

Hi Beads. The full thread will tell you that it's not the same situation here at all. Just one well cared for and much loved cat, for example, and no poop except for where it should be - in the litter tray. My friend has not brought a dearly wanted dog in to his life because he recognises that his situation needs to change and be maintained first. I'm in this for the long term, so will keep an eye on things. Well done for helping your friend though - that sounded tough.

Thanks Skimble. I don't know if you've managed to read the full thread, but I explain why it's just me, going slowly. It's not really a matter of budget. You're right though, I haven't got inexhaustible time and energy. So that's why I'm doing it in chunks. It helps me, and my friend too, that way.

Lovely to hear from you again bucking. Thank you, and you're right! Flowers

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/09/2018 19:15

You are SO lovely to do this. That poor man.

WellThisIsShit · 06/09/2018 22:17

I don’t know if you remember my post about my situation a while back, and how it can all build up. Well, I’m trying to sort things out a bit, due in part to your thread. Inspiring, you. I like elephants too, which probably helps! Grin

I can’t bottom out everything as I’m constrained by physical limitations, but am trying to eat away at bits of stuff and not leave a half done pile as that just turns into the next towering mess!

I’ve ordered a big 1920s steamer trunk (covered in William Morris wallpaper!), and will be using that as a semi-organised dump site instead of leaving stuff out to get mixed up again.

And I’m going to try and throw stuff away instead of keeping because it’s not been used / new / bought for a reason etc. that will be the hardest bit. Throwing things away that were presents that I couldn’t wrap or never got to see that person again after I couldn’t get out to social events. And makeup for when I could lift my hands to do it. Or multiple shampoos because I couldn’t get to the first lot as they got buried in the piles of stuff etc.

But How do you throw away the things from a different life? Feels like acknowledging i’ll never be that person again.

Wish I had a friend to help. Please don’t under estimate how much you are doing for him.

But I’d like the joy of not living like a freak. And would be easier to wake up and not be faced with the remnants of how awful life has turned out to be. Getting to a fresh start seems v hard from this side. But I am starting to see it would be nice from the other side. Like pulling oneself through a very thick bramble hedge. But to a lovely path on the other side, and a polluted road on this side. Horrid but better if I can bear it.

Flowers anyway, just wanted you to know.

BackforGood · 06/09/2018 23:24

I've been reading for a long time, but had to post and save what an incredible friend you are Elephants. We could all do with more friends who are actually willing and able to actually do something practical for our friends rather - as you say - than the usual 'let me know if there is anything I can do' as we walk away. Flowers

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 07/09/2018 08:28

Welcome to Back and Whats - Thank you for your lovely posts! Flowers

I'm going to reply more to Well later, but I just had to say Well, I'VE GOT TRUNK ENVY!!!

Quite appropriate for an elephant, I suppose. Grin

OP posts:
PrivateParkin · 07/09/2018 13:57

Hi Elephant I'm still keeping up with your story. Hope you're all feeling better now.

Flowers for you and WellThisIsShit

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 07/09/2018 17:18

Hi again PP Smile
Good to know you're still alongside - Thank you. We're still feeling quite under the weather but hopefully starting to shake off the germs - fingers crossed anyway.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 07/09/2018 18:23

Hope you have a good weekend planned Nellie and will be taking some down time.

I need to sort my horse's stuff. Sadly he won't be needing it. I'm going to keep it as who knows what the future will bring, but need to do it in a concious and tidy way.

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 07/09/2018 18:38

Hello again Well - of course I remember your post, and you've been in my thoughts since.

Putting my trunk envy on one side for a moment (!), I wanted to thank you for your kind words and to say how much I admire both your honesty and your bravery. Any friend of elephants is a friend of mine! Wink

From my own situation, I can certainly identify with the sense of bereavement felt at the loss of a past life, a past self. I know that my friend certainly would too, and much of what you describe of what for you has built up, and why, is mirrored here. I found myself nodding in recognition, understanding and agreement as I read.

You're not a freak, Well, and neither is my friend. I think that more people than we realise are living like this - all sorts of people and for all sorts of reasons - but it's often hidden. It's easy for some to stare, or point, or snigger, or judge, or gossip or complain about a seemingly neglected house, when what they should be doing is trying to understand the person within, or at least mind their own bloody business!

From my own experience and from my experience with my friend here, it sounds like you're going about it in just the right way. Small steps, Well, small steps, but keep taking them. Every single little step you take means that it's better than it was before. It's progress towards the goal.

It's incredibly hard to let go of things that anchor you to the life that you didn't want to lose. But when those things risk drowning you, are pulling you down with them, and are preventing you from living the life you have now, it's time to cut the rope. You don't have to get rid of absolutely everything, but limit it to a memory box, a scrap book, some photos, perhaps? One example for me is the dresses hanging in the back of my wardrobe that seemingly belong to another time, another life, another woman. Inspired by my friend, and by you, Well, I've decided to let them go. I'm going to photograph them, and then have them made into cushions or donate them to charity. She's not completely gone, that lass, but she's changed and life's changed irreversibly, and it's time she let go and moved on. Inspiring, you.

I know already from my friend that there is sense of freedom to be had. He has talked of some weight being lifted from his shoulders with every single bag of rubbish or recycling that leaves the house. It's very early days here of course, but he's enjoying the bits of space that are slowly opening up again. Just from a practical point of view, having medical supplies stored away and easily accessible, for example, is already making his life a tiny bit easier.

I loved your bramble bush analogy. I think you have to grit your teeth, expect some scratches, yes, but look forward to that path on the other side. I think it might well be better than where you are, just like my friend. I'm here, pulling and pushing and willing you through. I can't be with you in person, Well, but I'm with you in spirit and I bet I'm not the only one on this thread who is.

My friend said the other day 'it looks like somebody cares'. I do, Well. So get on with it lass, little by little. I don't want you stuck, like Winnie the Pooh, half way through Rabbit's doorway. I don't want to have to come around and hang teatowels to dry over your legs.

Although it would give me the opportunity to half inch your steamer trunk....hmmm.

Report back please. Flowers

OP posts:
EatingTheElephantInChunks · 07/09/2018 19:29

Thank you MrsM. Planning as quiet a one as is possible here!

I am so sorry to hear about your horse. Do you want to say any more about what has happened?

One of my favourite poems from childhood is Ronald Duncan's The Horse. Here's the first part, for you. I'm sure you know it.

Where in this world can man find nobility without pride,
friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity?
Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined.

Thinking of you Flowers

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/09/2018 07:18

WellThisIsShit

But How do you throw away the things from a different life? Feels like acknowledging i’ll never be that person again...

...would be easier to wake up and not be faced with the remnants of how awful life has turned out to be...

Maybe the answer to the problem lies within what you yourself have posted?

Right now you are living surrounded by things that represent a defeat for you. They remind you constantly of an unequal struggle.

If you take each thing and remove it from your life then you can say you are giving yourself the chance to start anew, respecting your new realities, with gratitude for the positives, and without the reminders of 'failure' (that is no fault of yours but still manages to function as a reproach to you).

You can go all Marie Kondo and thank the things for the hope they once represented, while acknowledging to yourself that they no longer carry out that function for you, and have actually turned into weapons you use to beat yourself up with. Not their fault, but you still can't leave them sitting there.

Flowers
blitzen · 08/09/2018 12:31

Hello OP, it just crossed my mind that there's a type of gin called Elephant gin. I can highly recommend it and with every bottle, they make a donation to an elephant sanctuary. Hope you are having a nice weekend and feeling much better xx

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 08/09/2018 13:26

Hello again blitzen. I really like the sound of that. I'm doing Dry September, which has been easy so far because of this bug, but might not stay as easy once I'm better and gasping for a G&T! Something to look forward to in October. Thank you, blitzen, and wishing you a good weekend.Gin Flowers

OP posts:
EatingTheElephantInChunks · 09/09/2018 23:05

Just a quick update. I called in to see my friend this evening, and all was still as it should be.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 09/09/2018 23:36

Great news.

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 09/09/2018 23:46

Thanks Back. It is, isn't it?

Less good is that I succumbed to a couple of glasses of dry white this weekend. I am a Dry September failure! I am restarting tomorrow.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 09/09/2018 23:54

You are amazing and I wish I had a friend like you. It’s good for me to read this thread as I think I am a latent hoarder and need to work at ‘keeping on top of my piles’...I find it very difficult to get rid of stuff.

mathanxiety · 10/09/2018 07:00

You 're not a failure if it was dry wine, surely...

EatingTheElephantInChunks · 10/09/2018 08:40

You're a genius, math. Hello again. One of my 5 a day too, those grapes, surely....

Wish I hadn't though, especially as we're still getting over this bug, which seems to have moved on to an 'everything aches or hurts' stage, (unless it's a different, opportunist bug, sneaking in on top). It has given me an unpleasant headache, so that's a perfect reminder that the cork needs to stay in the bottle!

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 10/09/2018 08:43

Thanks so much Elephant and mathanxiety, such kind and insightful thoughts Flowers. Kept me going when I hit a wall this weekend, and got all dispirited.

It’s a marathon not a sprint, which is a difficult mentality to get into... as I think you’re living proof of OP, though a success of course!

And, my trunk is almost done. I got a photo through... looook! I know this isn’t exactly on the spirit of throwing things out, but, I like, I like I like! Claps hands!

Now I have to clear a place to put it when it arrives. So I can use it as a help in getting through stuff vs a hinderence!

I’m so tempted by elephant gin...

WellThisIsShit · 10/09/2018 08:53

Ta dahhh... Nellie the elephant packed her trunk :)

Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?
EatingTheElephantInChunks · 10/09/2018 08:56

Hello chocatoo and welcome. Thanks for your kind post. Yes, it's easy to see how it all builds up, isn't it, if you don't or can't keep on top of it, and especially if you have Squirrel Tendencies. It's lovely to know that the thread is helping you a tiny bit to get to where you want to be. To keep on top of your nuts, so to speak.

OP posts:
EatingTheElephantInChunks · 10/09/2018 08:59

Ooo Err Mrs, it's Trunk Porn!!! Envy

OP posts:
EatingTheElephantInChunks · 10/09/2018 09:03

Sod the marathon, I'm going to sprint off with Well's Swanky Trunk!

And fill it with Elephant Gin

OP posts:
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