I've just employed myself as my own secret cleaner

[Clare1971]

I am very slovenly when it comes to housework, despite reading every book/magazine/blog/mumsnet forum on the subject. Bizarrely, our house has got worse since I stopped working full time. I spent a few hours last week looking at forums and not cleaning to find out how long a cleaner would need to do our house and what they charge. Came to conclusion that 3 hours a week would do it but that really, I should just do it myself. I began to mention this to DH but he jumped straight in with 'We don't need a cleaner, I'll do more'. (He used to do more when we both worked full time.) Anyway, I got a bit arsey at him banning me from having a cleaner and argued the case. So then, because actually we don't ban each other from things, he said, well, if you want a cleaner go ahead and get one but leave me out of it. So today, while he was at work, I put on a really silly headscarf, set the timer and cleaned for three hours. Then I put the money I'd earnt in a pot. When he comes home tonight, he'll think a cleaner has been and when he asks, I'll remind him that he didn't want anything to do with it and will refuse to discuss it. I plan to be my own secret cleaner until he rumbles me. I've booked myself for next Monday morning. Turns out I quite like being a secret cleaner - I spent a lot of time hoiking up my judgey pants since me and my family the family I clean for are really quite gross. Please tell me I'm not certifiably mad.

I am so doing this! Absolutely brilliant OP, well done!

I've just noticed that the tiles behind the toaster aren't clean and have made a mental note to point it out to Jane next Monday. In my head I rehearsed saying it in a way that wouldn't offend her.

Really really laughed at this!!!

.

Genius sheer genius woman I salute you I am going to pay my new cleaner to do the oven tomorrow

This is genius. My cleaner will get busy right after she's been to town.

Place is still a shit pit due to cleaner drinking too much wine last night and having a lie in! FFS this shoddy attitude has got to change or the trial period will be cancelled early....

Im having such a relaxing weekend as the cleaner worked really hard on Thursday and Friday. Still a lot of catching up to do which I shall get her to do on Monday! Did Worry DH last week though when I told him the 'cleaner' was coming round - he had completely forgotten me telling him the plan... I do need to employ a dog walker when the weather isn't very good, maybe I'll ask the cleaner if she will do that as well?

DH is trying to be crafty. This morning he announced that he might hoover. Clearly hoping I would say don't worry the cleaner will do it tomorrow, thus revealing that we have a cleaner. I let him hoover. Suits me as I was planning on asking Jane to focus on the bathroom tomorrow (after she's cleaned behind the toaster obviously)

Oh I love this idea!! Need to do some decluttering before I enploy a cleaner, though.

Perhaps cleaners can do the decluttering, too? Hmm.....I wonder what the going rate is?!

I've just ordered teo new ensuites which I may keep all for me to ckean until novity wears off

When I was a cleaner I used to eat their chocolates.

Gina the Cleaner starts on Monday; I'd better hide the chocolates - …….oh no need, I've just eaten them for her!

I've decided my alter ego will be Marie-Clare. I'm not 'just' a cleaner, I'm a domestic lifestyle consultant. I have a very successful business, employing around 20 'consultants', and spend a lot of time on my hobbies which include baking, walking my labradors, and Pilates with my personal trainer Sven. I still take on the occasional client, me just to keep my hand in.

I sacked the old cleaner. I got a new one today. She has pink hair (in my head) ties it up in a half knot and wears a hoody & leggings. She's super efficient.
Then I change into gym clothes & come get to come home to a clean & tidied house, have a shower & a late lunch and waft around.

You do realise your husband is shagging your cleaner??