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Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Original poster

I've just employed myself as my own secret cleaner

214 replies

Clare1971 · 08/02/2016 13:51

I am very slovenly when it comes to housework, despite reading every book/magazine/blog/mumsnet forum on the subject. Bizarrely, our house has got worse since I stopped working full time. I spent a few hours last week looking at forums and not cleaning to find out how long a cleaner would need to do our house and what they charge. Came to conclusion that 3 hours a week would do it but that really, I should just do it myself. I began to mention this to DH but he jumped straight in with 'We don't need a cleaner, I'll do more'. (He used to do more when we both worked full time.) Anyway, I got a bit arsey at him banning me from having a cleaner and argued the case. So then, because actually we don't ban each other from things, he said, well, if you want a cleaner go ahead and get one but leave me out of it. So today, while he was at work, I put on a really silly headscarf, set the timer and cleaned for three hours. Then I put the money I'd earnt in a pot. When he comes home tonight, he'll think a cleaner has been and when he asks, I'll remind him that he didn't want anything to do with it and will refuse to discuss it. I plan to be my own secret cleaner until he rumbles me. I've booked myself for next Monday morning. Turns out I quite like being a secret cleaner - I spent a lot of time hoiking up my judgey pants since me and my family the family I clean for are really quite gross. Please tell me I'm not certifiably mad.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 09/02/2016 13:02

PurpleHair stop it, you're making me cry. I think I'll have to dig out a headscarf. Clare you are a genius

2boysnamedR · 09/02/2016 13:37

How much do you charge? What's the going rate for a cleaner just outside of the M25?

NeuNewNouveau · 09/02/2016 13:56

As a po faced individual, i rarely laugh out loud at things I read but this had me chortling

Me too! Brilliant! 😂

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/02/2016 14:06

Thank you lweji i had to text DH to ask which number relates to the drain cycle (DH is such an avid cleaner the "key" on the front to the programmes has been rubbed off, likewise all the hob markings have disappeared Hmm)

DH, now alerted by this text that something was afoot, has said not to let the cleaner (and I quote) touch anything else for fucks sake so I have sacked her.

Ironically the cleaner's attempts to clean the bedding were linked to a disturbing smell in DS's room. Said smell is actually emanating from what appears to be a mug of left over hot chocolate made with milk festering on the windowsill above the radiator So cleaner needn't have bothered with the bloody mattress protector anyway.

snowymountaintops · 09/02/2016 14:14

Oh Purple that's so funny! Do you think that you might have the quickest ever turnaround of a cleaner? Hope you've managed to unmangle the washing machne Grin!

I love this idea but have so far not managed to implement 'her' into even coming for an interview, perhaps tomorrow......

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/02/2016 14:31

Snowy using the reasoning that it couldn't make anything worse, the cleaner's final act was to put the (very sorry looking) soggy mattress protector in the tumble dryer. I am keeping a close eye out for smoke.

Cleaner has now been sacked under capability procedures. I had to pay her off with a new dress and hair slides from Amazon, and made her sign a confidentially agreement that she wouldn't tell DH anyone what has happened here.

snowymountaintops · 09/02/2016 14:36

Omg Purple I'm worried now! The cleaner may have done a very rather foolish last act by putting said soaked item into the tumble drier! Shove it on the line and we won't tell Grin!

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/02/2016 14:48

Oh you've frightened me now snowy! I can't reach the washing line ( thinking now the installing of very high up line might have been a deliberate tactic by DH)

I've got to do school run and didn't want to burn the house down so have taken the MP out, and spread it over a towel on the radiator. It can fuck off.

Bin85 · 09/02/2016 14:57

My cleaner has been out walking ( blame the Fitbit) and now only has an hour to catch up.She says she'd rather watch Escape to the Country with a cuppa andCake
What can I do about it?!

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 09/02/2016 15:34

Burn, clearly your cleaner is unmotivated. Maybe a pay rise would help?

snowymountaintops · 09/02/2016 16:18

I'll just join you Bin as have just done the same!

Sorry Purple didn't mean to scare you! Thing will dry beautifully on the radiator Smile

Bin85 · 09/02/2016 16:34

HiSnowyI think fitter and hopefully slimmer cleaners will be more productive in the long run don't you?!
Anyhow there is always this evening

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 09/02/2016 17:04

Oops, Bin, not Burn, sorry.

Original poster
Clare1971 · 09/02/2016 20:24

JaneyMoo50 what is a condom pot? I don't think I have one of those. I do have lots of children though Should I get one to make sure my cleaner, Jane, is kept amused? I am picturing it next to the fruit bowl.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clare1971 · 09/02/2016 20:26

Reminds me of an 18th birthday party I went to where the mum had put out bowls of condoms in gold wrappers for a joke. I mentioned it to her a few years later and she looked at me strangely and explained that they were mints. [embarrassed]

OP posts:
SayAGreatBigThankyou · 09/02/2016 21:02

The bloody cleaner has been playing on Facebook and eating biscuits for the past hour. Should still pay her though, really? Grin

Monty27 · 09/02/2016 21:26

You need to buy Jane wine treats :D

LMGTFY · 09/02/2016 21:35

Hoping DH is working Friday so Elsie can get started, I've chosen her as she's old school and will make sure you can see your face in the taps. Plus if she looks really ropey there's a slim chance DH won't get done for sexual harassment!

redshoeblueshoe · 10/02/2016 08:24

Purple - why don't you ask your cleaner to put the mattress protector in the bin. Did you sack her in the end ? I might ask Pristine Christine to do some laundry that will dispose of some of DH's dodgy shirts

PurpleHairAndPearls · 10/02/2016 11:48

For those worried about my mattress protector suffering at the hands of incompetent cleaner, I can report it has survived, albeit a little worse for wear on the underside.

The cleaner is definitely sacked. DH confided he had been worried about her incompetence in other matters too, namely Putting Stuff On The Radiator Correctly (there is an art to this apparently - who knew?) and Reading Washing Instructions On Labels. After a somewhat fraught discussion, it was agreed that DH should resume his duties. DH suggested that as the cleaner had worked hard despite her ineptitude, she should have a day in bed watching Netflix today.

Redshoe my cleaner says that if you wash your DH's shirts with the dial on the washing machine turned to 90, they will be lovely and clean. Good luck Grin

Lweji · 10/02/2016 11:50

You need to find a professional cleaner. Amateurs are so last year.

Passthecake30 · 10/02/2016 12:06

Also wondering what a condom pot is? I did go to a fancy house once where they had a fancy pot for tanpons right next to the toilet roll hiding under the dolly....perhaps it's like that??

redshoeblueshoe · 10/02/2016 12:21

Thanks Purple, I think I'll put some bleach in too, just for good measure.
Grin

Lulioli · 13/02/2016 15:09

My place is a complete shit pit, I ve got friends staying on Monday who are meticulous so I ve just employed myself for a trial period to see if i m up to scratch. I just need to familiarise myself with the cleaning cupboard and the general layout of the place and I ll be away. I think I ll ve a valuable asset to the family 😄

ScoutsMam · 14/02/2016 13:13

My cleaner is called Beryl, I also have Juan who is currently on Xbox and Baby duty so Beryl can clean.

She's deep cleaning the bathroom today and is using a mix of Flylady and KonMari. There was a slight break in proceedings when DS had to go drop the kind of turd only a teenager can produce half way through. She could have done a bit of the landing, but she went on Mumsnet. Can't get the staff.