I've just employed myself as my own secret cleaner

[Clare1971]

I am very slovenly when it comes to housework, despite reading every book/magazine/blog/mumsnet forum on the subject. Bizarrely, our house has got worse since I stopped working full time. I spent a few hours last week looking at forums and not cleaning to find out how long a cleaner would need to do our house and what they charge. Came to conclusion that 3 hours a week would do it but that really, I should just do it myself. I began to mention this to DH but he jumped straight in with 'We don't need a cleaner, I'll do more'. (He used to do more when we both worked full time.) Anyway, I got a bit arsey at him banning me from having a cleaner and argued the case. So then, because actually we don't ban each other from things, he said, well, if you want a cleaner go ahead and get one but leave me out of it. So today, while he was at work, I put on a really silly headscarf, set the timer and cleaned for three hours. Then I put the money I'd earnt in a pot. When he comes home tonight, he'll think a cleaner has been and when he asks, I'll remind him that he didn't want anything to do with it and will refuse to discuss it. I plan to be my own secret cleaner until he rumbles me. I've booked myself for next Monday morning. Turns out I quite like being a secret cleaner - I spent a lot of time hoiking up my judgey pants since me and my family the family I clean for are really quite gross. Please tell me I'm not certifiably mad.

Do you tidy up before the cleaner comes?

Genius idea!

If I had the time I would so copy this idea.

I'll give it a month before she sacks herself because she might be stealing or because she ate a cake.

Genius idea!

I absolutely LOVE this idea.

And if I did it DH wouldn't be able to wander in the kitchen with the baby saying how they're both bored, because I would be a cleaner not a nanny, so he'd HAVE to keep her occupied.

Win-win.

I'm also a secret cleaner, it's the only way to motivate myself. I clean on a Friday, mock the organic vegetable box delivery and play loud club very non-pc dance music in the listed Cornish house where I live. I wear an imaginary tabard with a pocket for my imaginary fags.

The dog also has an alter ego, have asked the vets wife if she thinks the canine's swearing gangsta persona could be treated.

I do this! My cleaner is called Mrs Drudgery and is very stern.

Clare and also Purple, I think I love you a little bit.

Really looking forward to my day off this week now. I'm going to tell the dc's we have a new cleaner starting who will bin everything on the floor. There's a shop I'm town with tabards on a hanging rail outside (yet it's impossible to find a decent cleaner!), think I'll have to buy the cleaner one!

I love this idea so much I might have to sack my actual cleaner and put it into action!

Brilliant idea

Can you suggest to dh that he pay for half of Jane? That way you could give her a bit of a payrise (save what he gives you and take the family somewhere special at Xmas - Jane's treat to you all for being such a lovely family - and then reveal all).

My mum used to pay me when I was a teenager , it was all very organised and itemised . So cleaning the sink was "X" amount etc.. The bath another amount , even the ironing , everything had a price to it !! A long time ago , but I remember pillow cases were 20p, shirts 50p and so on . When I had finished everything she used to add it all up . There was no cheating & she expected a good standard. Great way of earning extra money , but I realise looking back she got a great deal out of it .

I do this, i also add my gym membership payments to the pot, as 2x2 hrs a week of energetic cleaning is pretty efficient at helping keep fit.

You're absolutely barking, but it sounds like the sort of stuff I do all the time so maybe you are sane after all!
It's actually a great idea. I'm the world's biggest procrastinator and always find ANYTHING to do rather than clean, lol.
If I employ myself I might actually start to take it seriously and see it as a proper job!
I might employ myself next week when half term finishes, as will be easier then.
Get DH off to work, children off to school and the new cleaner can start.
She can only have tea and biscuits if the work's satisfactory.

I think this is absolutely hilarious and a very good idea! not sure I'll do it myself because am SUCH a slattern, but might think about it, for sure. I do have a child free day on Wednesdays, but have SOOO MUCH to sort out that cleaning is often not top of the priority list.
Might be an idea to employ myself as an office clerk though...

can we nominate for classics?

I've just become the SAHP in our house.... love this idea in theory esp the headscarf... but like PegsPigs I couldn't be arsed to clean for 3 hours - I HATE cleaning - so I have a cleaner (despite being at home - [does cats bum face at *theredjellybean] ).

I am definitely going to steal the xmas do idea tho Purple - thats ace! DH and I once shagged at his work so it'd be like the olden days when we were young and horny!!

I thought this was normal behaviour...?

Whilst I'm cleaning I work out how much money I've earnt ready to pay myself and then sometimes I go and splash out with some of my wages, a new top or handbag.

The cleaner gets a Xmas present every year, its wrapped up and put under the tree. I do though get the ironing lady a little something - but the gardener got the sack so I don't have to buy for her anymore

I've just noticed that the tiles behind the toaster aren't clean and have made a mental note to point it out to Jane next Monday. In my head I rehearsed saying it in a way that wouldn't offend her.

Can you pay Jane even more for shopping and sticking a chicken in the oven as well?

I am so going to do this.

This is amazing - DH will never, ever guess! Nor will the kids.

When the kids were small I used to pay a cleaner £38ish per week to do the whole house.

Clare, best to leave a sticky note meno on the fridge of particular areas you want the cleaner to clean next week.... I find a memo note never offends

Haha, we employed DD for a few short days as our cleaner, paid her the going rate and everything.

She quit....and got a job in KFC on £4 an hour less.

I think I'd be like - "the cleaner says"

• its gross to leave dirty clothes everywhere can they find their way to the darks and lights baskets please

• I can't clean if the place is a mess, tidy your rooms
• can you not find the dishwasher or the waste food bins people

and a few other choice things I am sure

but yes Friday mornings usually couple of hours is what mine gets