I've just employed myself as my own secret cleaner

[Clare1971]

I am very slovenly when it comes to housework, despite reading every book/magazine/blog/mumsnet forum on the subject. Bizarrely, our house has got worse since I stopped working full time. I spent a few hours last week looking at forums and not cleaning to find out how long a cleaner would need to do our house and what they charge. Came to conclusion that 3 hours a week would do it but that really, I should just do it myself. I began to mention this to DH but he jumped straight in with 'We don't need a cleaner, I'll do more'. (He used to do more when we both worked full time.) Anyway, I got a bit arsey at him banning me from having a cleaner and argued the case. So then, because actually we don't ban each other from things, he said, well, if you want a cleaner go ahead and get one but leave me out of it. So today, while he was at work, I put on a really silly headscarf, set the timer and cleaned for three hours. Then I put the money I'd earnt in a pot. When he comes home tonight, he'll think a cleaner has been and when he asks, I'll remind him that he didn't want anything to do with it and will refuse to discuss it. I plan to be my own secret cleaner until he rumbles me. I've booked myself for next Monday morning. Turns out I quite like being a secret cleaner - I spent a lot of time hoiking up my judgey pants since me and my family the family I clean for are really quite gross. Please tell me I'm not certifiably mad.

Let the cleaner know that she is welcome to leave notes to the family about mess etc - write them with your non dominant hand, so they don't recognise your handwriting.
(loving this thread - brilliant idea)

Love this idea!!! Thanks for sharing your madness with us!

I've got a new cleaner starting tomorrow, I wonder what colour headscarf I she should wear...

Love the sticky notes. You could leave areas to clean and she could leave notes about things like - couldn't clean under the bed in the green room because of stuff under it etc.

Make sure Jane isn't wearing your make up or looking in the condom pot (check the lid is not off).

Never let on about Jane OP do not come clean to your DH at any cost. You could keep this running for years. ;)

Make sure you offer the cleaner a cup of coffee and biscuit, seeing the other thread on how you treat your cleaner, their are some harsh clients out there.

Omg I need to do this

ExMIL, sorry, I missed your comment saying the same thing I said.

The magical headscarf is absolutely the key. That must be why I can't be bothered to clean properly - no headscarf!

I'm the resident cleaner. Seems nobody notices my zero hour contract :)

You have inspired me. Today I'm going to be the ironing lady, going to set the timer and see how quick she I can get it done.

I feel like Mr Ben showing my age

I think this is brilliant!! I might do the same!! X

I love this idea but omg the gardener story had me in fits! I want to know what he said when the poster wailed ' we don't have a gardener!'

Also had the "putting everything in a bin bag" backfire spectacularly. After putting in bags, I put all the bags on the bed. I said to OH, she will have to sort it now before she can get into bed.

She said absolutely nothing. Pulled the duvet onto the floor and slept on the floor for 3 months. Until we called a truce.

Right, I've done it! Let me introduce Mavis, my cleaner. She will come in on a Monday for 2 hours and again on a Friday for an hour. Once a month she will pop in on a Wednesday afternoon for an hour to do things like clean the indoor Windows.

I'm going to get myself Mavis a nice colourful tub with all her cleaning products and may even treat her to a tabard if I can find one big enough (she's a beefy gal).

In preparation for her starting, the week after half term (no point her starting before then as Dd is off sick at the mo and will think I've gone mad if she sees me in a tabard) I shall be doing a mass tidy up before she starts the following week.

This is genius, many many thanks OP

She hasn't bloody turned up yet! She reckons the traffic's bad but I'm not sure I believe her. Headscarf is all ready for her. I hope she arrives soon as soon as this next episode of OITNB finishes, honest

My cleaner is sat on her backside mumsnetting.

Thanks to this thread my cleaner came this morning straight after the school run. Normally i would sit down, have a cup of coffee, get drawn into crap tv and shit on the internet. But I pretended i was the cleaner coming to work, so took my coat off and got started. Only took an hour and the house is spick and span.
It only bloody works!!!

Thank you OP my house has been really depressing me.

Brilliant, funny inspiring thread. Op you are a genius! I want to join in but I must confess that I'm a little concerned that the scarf will mess my hair up though. Is it really essential?

What are your rates OP? this is genius

Last year, the Australian government had a serious policy they wanted to enact that would have massively subsidised nannies to provide childcare. I was actually wondering if I could invoice my husband for the childcare of our own children and receive the rebate, but it never got through the parliament (probably a good reason for that!) I did wonder a bit if DH would get too carried away with being my "employer," and start bossing me around, so your plan OP of keeping it a secret is much better.

In fact, and I don't know whether this is just NSW or throughout, they've just decided to close the loophole that allows "exchange" childcare between family day care places, so that people can exploit the benefits they receive from it (this is where friends take care of each others' children as swaps, so they can claim their rebates)

Haven't read the whole thread but I do this OP. I set timers for individual rooms too.
Make sure you rearrange the cupboards every now and again. It's so much fun watching DH trying to find something on the newly arranged kitchen.

I'm thinking of giving my new cleaner a verbal warning. She only started this morning as DH has got a new job. So far she has buggered up the washing machine cramming an obviously far too big mattress protector into the washing machine causing the spin cycle to stop halfway through. Anyone with half a brain would realise it didn't fit. I then caught her calling the washing machine "you twatting stupid fuckwit" in front of the cat, who shouldn't be subjected to such language in her own home.

Is a verbal warning sufficient? I'm considering sacking her to be honest as the first day has gone so badly. DH seemed adamant that he could do the cleaning after work and that a cleaner would be "more trouble than it's worth". I hate it when DH is right.

And if anyone knows how I can sort out the washing machine it would be appreciated. Said mattress protector is still in there plus ten gallons of water and the door won't open

Stop it altogether, then start a draining cycle. Even the spin cycle, as it drains at the start.
The door won't open with that much water in, as it should. Is your cleaner insured for causing floods? :)

I may have to have words with my chef. She hasn't started lunch yet.