Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Original poster

yet another argument about DP's hoarding. How do I deal with it?

147 replies

UnderThePile · 15/04/2015 20:25

Today's argument was triggered when I asked him to go through his spice collection as I can't fit any shopping in the kitchen. We have a rotating spice rack, he has had it for over 5 years (must be past their use by) it's an enormous contraption, holds about 25 jars, I despise it. In addition, an enitire kitchen cupboard is full of spices. It's ridiculous. We will never eat enough food to use them all! I don't understand it.

The house of full of crap. Not only his, granted, but he has the main collection of crap! He seems to collect clothes, shoes, leaflets, bits of paper, ugly ornaments, magazines, kitchen utensils, DVDs... The list goes on. He's a huge consumer. I think it stems from his mother. She has a large house full of things she has bought that she will never use. Rooms are unusable due to her hoard. I am terrified we are going to end up the same.

I hate clutter. It takes forever to clean around it all, the house always looks a tip, I am allergic to dust and I blame the piles of his stuff for my constant sniffling and sneezing. I don't have time or the motivation to dust his shit everyday!

One of our small rooms is full of stuff. Some of it is useful stuff eg.the vacuum cleaner, steam cleaner, ironing board. The rest of it is untouched, unused bits and pieces. These bits and pieces take up 4 large shelves and two thirds of the floor. It's depressing.

He's excruciatingly sentimental. Holds on to cinema tickets, day out tickets, useless receipts, leaflets, business cards. The loft is full of towels, clothes, shoes, books, all of which he "may need one day". He even has wage slips from 8 years ago. His mother also saves EVERYTHING. Every bit of schoolwork and craft he has ever done. It seems genetic!

I want to spring clean. I don't want to have to clean piles, move piles and re-pile piles to clean!

He never gets rid of anything. When I bring it up, we argue. Why do hoarders hoard? Is there a way to stop the arguments and get a happy, clutter free home?

OP posts:
MarniRose · 15/04/2015 20:28

I'm not sure why they hoard exactly but it's a mental illness when it's at this level and he'd probably benefit from help with that because I don't think this is a housekeeping issue. It's routed in childhood I believe

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 20:30

No, there isn't, is the short answer. It's like any other addiction/complulsive disorder - no one can make the individual want to give it up, and until they do want to they won't make any real change.

There is a hoarding/loved ones of hoarders support thread somewhere.

I think you have to go forward with the understanding that it is highly unlikely he will ever change.

gamerchick · 15/04/2015 20:33

It's one of my deal breakers.

I don't know what you can do tbh. I personally would do a big massive chuck out making him face the issue but it's a mental illness and probably not the best approach.

I really would go for separate houses if the relationship was otherwise good.

Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 20:33

It's a mental health disorder.

All I know is if I was you I would hire a skip and cleaning company one day when he was at work and get rid of it all.

The lot. Gone.

What would happen if you did that?

florencedombey · 15/04/2015 20:34

I feel your pain. You have just described my DH. I too am allergic to house dust mite which means that whenever I go looking for things or trying to clean round the hoard I have a massive allergy attack. DH just looks at me pityingly and says "you should see a Dr about your sneezing". Aargh!

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 20:41

You can't get rid of all his stuff. If that's the only way you'd sort it it's not even worth doing. He'll just start all over again and you will be fighting a losing battle over the years. Plus it would be hugely wrong to do so.

The only thing I might do is get the book by Marie Kondo ('the life changing magic of tidying) and see if you can get him to read it. It might just flip a switch somewhere and maybe he will give the konmari method a go.

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 20:43

Hoarding is usually about loss and anxiety. It is hugely complex and extremely difficult to treat. It is possible to get over it but it's a lot of very hard work and they really have to want to do it.

Original poster
UnderThePile · 15/04/2015 20:45

The relationship is otherwise perfect. It is just the hoarding and untidiness that I can't stand. If I got a skip and got rid of all his crap necessary stuff, I'm pretty sure he'd leave me. He got upset at the suggestion of thinning down the spices! He says he needs it. I throw the bits or random paper I find. Some of it may be laziness, junk mail will sit on the side unless I deal with it. When it comes to the objects, he wants to keep them ALL.

What happens in childhood to trigger this? My mum was similar but I'm the opposite.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 20:47

If he doesn't want to change it's not going to happen Sad

Does he accept he has a problem? Does he realise it's a horrible way to live and does he want to fix it even if he hasn't managed it yet? Does he at least agree that something needs to be done, even if he can't face getting rid of any specific item?

Original poster
UnderThePile · 15/04/2015 20:47

Holger I suggested the Kondo book. He got defensive. Refused to engage in the conversation. I want it but I daren't buy it as I can't implement it without his agreement. It's like pulling teeth trying to get him to even talk about it, let alone do it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
UnderThePile · 15/04/2015 20:49

No. He doesn't realise he has a problem. He thinks it's normal, probably thanks to his mother.

Is there anything I can read to try and understand?

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 20:50

I would ask him honestly, is he happy? If he sees no reason to change you have to either live with it or move on, there is no other option.

I would order it anyway, and go from there. It has some very good advice and actually I think it will appeal to the typical hoarder in its approach.

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 20:57

I don't have any books that I can recommend but I've watched some very good television programmes about it which do a good job of explaining some of the typical motivations for hoarding. I'll try to remember some titles so that you can look out for them.

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 21:01

Can you afford to live separately from him? That might be one way to save the relationship if he really can't change.

Flowers Sorry, I know it's really difficult.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2015 21:02

I always wonder how non-hoarders end up with someone like this.

Hillingdon · 15/04/2015 21:07

My father lives in a 6 bed house stuffed full of crap! Newspapers, and old pieces of furniture... My mother and father divorced many years ago. He cannot understand why his various lady friends last 5 mins. You cannot get through the front door, he is very mean with money.

He is his 80's. Your OH could end up like this....

Auntieveronica · 15/04/2015 21:10

Buy him this book

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-effective/dp/0091955106

It's totally life changing book, very inspiring. I spent 6 months going through my house as a direct result of reading the book and now own only 1/3 of the stuff I did. There's also a kondo thread on MN.

TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 21:11

Re the spices, could you move some of them wo telling him and then say that as it hasn't been used for 6 months, it's not needed?

Or saying you can't possibly use stuff out of date and you have to throw them away (If they have been in the rack for 5 years, they are bound to be out of date!)

Momagain1 · 15/04/2015 21:12

To begin with, can you claim some space as your own? would that help your mental health?

Auntieveronica · 15/04/2015 21:15

Just buy the book anyway and read it yourself. It will help you declutter your own stuff and quite often partners become inspired seeing others taking action.

read the book and use it to declutter your own stuff!!

steppemum · 15/04/2015 21:25

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation that starts from a different place.

Instead of attacking his hoarding, start from the basis of you and your marriage, using I statements, and talking about your feelings.

eg, you love him, but you are finding some things really hard. You find it hard that the house is always dusty, and you can't clean properly, you find it hard that there isn't any space that you can use without moving piles of things, you find it hard that the house is never tidy, and that makes you feel stressed.
The bottom line is that you feel as if you come second place to his stuff - ask him that question - is his stuff more important than you are?

I would ask him to do 2 things - 1. talk to someone. (a professional) 2. work on some compromise areas, eg, agree to the living room being free from stuff, or, allow him that small room, put shelves and cupboards in it, but then it has to go from the bedroom and living room etc

I have a friend whose husband is similar, and he cannot watch any of the programmes about hoarding! He is very emotionally attached to small things, and cannot let them out of the house.

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 21:30

Rational arguments like things being out of date and such won't work. He knows they're out of date. He can't bring himself to part with them because it brings up a hugely painful anxiety response.

He needs to know and accept that he has a problem.

He has to want to change.

He needs counselling. Long term counselling, not just a quick chat.

He needs to drive the clear out. You cannot do that for him. You will be enabling him and wearing yourself down utterly and completely as you manage his addiction for him over the years.

Get the book. It will help you, and maybe in turn it can help him too. But first he has to accept that he doesn't actually want to live this way.

Love51 · 15/04/2015 21:36

I used to be a bit of a hoarder. I had mental health problems I was dealing with and I struggled with making decisions. My dh had taken on weekly commuting to compensate for me changing jobs so he couldn't just make all the decisions. What helped me was rules. Although it may be different as I knew I had a problems, it just wasnt my top priority. My dh asked / nagged me not to block the exits as it was a fire hazard. I couldnt find the strength to make a decision about every bit of paper that came through the door, but I could store it elsewhere.
im no longer a hoarder. i did flylady, didnt get on with kondo. the minimalism threads here were great tho.

Auntieveronica · 15/04/2015 21:39

Marie kondo talks a lot about decluttering your own stuff and not touching other people's stuff.

The great thing about the book is that it tells you how to declutter. Least sentimental stuff first, most sentimental stuff last.

Hillingdon · 15/04/2015 21:39

One of my fathers ex girl friends was living there and got so fed up she hired a skip whilst he was away on a business trip. He went bananas and she did move out a month later.

She was very nice but said my father was one of the most self absorbed, selfish men she had ever come across (which is sadly true)

Swipe left for the next trending thread