Help me, I'm crap at home

[Manathome]

I would like some ideas of how to get motivated, I recently retired and now stay at home to do the mother stuff as it is pointless going to work as childcare and tax would defeat the object with a 9 & 2yr old. My wife works very hard so only fair I do my but. The problem I have is that I was brought up abroad with servants, I know it may not be a right word now, but that was then, we had cooks, maids, a driver, gardeners and a handyman, I then went to a private boarding school, I am used to people doing things for me although I CAN do pretty much everything myself if I wanted to. My problem is getting my head around doing a womans work around the house, it just doesn't seem normal a man putting on a pinny and dusting, OK there will be women on here going Oooh look at him, how dare he say that, but it is fact. All this change is doing my head in (not age related ), I am really finding it hard to get motivated, in fact I would nearly class myself as lazy, although I can get stuff done if I want.

So how do I come to terms with the fact that my life is now over and I am doomed to do womans work for the next god knows how many years. I retired at 48yrs old, far too young in my eyes but I worked jolly hard and can now live a comfortable life, so why am I finding it so hard to get on with things, there seems to be something in me saying I should not do that. Is there a way of organising my day where I can see results, not just look at piles of ironing, see I am good at putting stuff in teh washing machine and hanging them out, but ironing, Oooh that's not my job BUT IT SHOULD BE according to y agreement with my wife to support her. I am not a nanmby pamby, I am honestly looking for that special something that is in woman when they are born that makes them want to clean and tidy up, don't get me wrong I am not a filthy slob, everything is clean, it;s just the orgaisational side, I just keep looking at the jobs NOT doing them, says me on the bloody computer wasting more of my life.

I really do miss work, retirement is over rated, my wife is 10yrs younger so it will be a while until we are both retired, but I just could not imagine her at home all day as well it would do my head in. What is life all about, we work like mad to retire and it is an anti climax, well for m anyway.

I summary I am intelligent, like a laugh, hard working (on things that suit me, mainly man things), have a lovely family, but I am sh!te at being a housewife.

HELP!!

Thanks in advance,

Assumikng you're for realyou might find the Politics of Housework and interesting read. you don't seem to have caught up.

uhm manathome, having just re-read your post - 'that special something that is in a woman that makes them clean up?????' Really? You must really have lived abroad for all your life to think it's ok to write that and not have any reactions!!!! That's the only excuse I can give for you.
Or hopefully you're just a troll.
Anyway, that 'special something' is just hundreds of years of social conditioning, do you really think all women feel fulfilled staying at home and tending to their family and that's all they need in their life? That men are not wired up for that because they don't get the same satisfaction?
You think women have a special something that makes them put up with daily drudge? No, mostly they have never had a choice.
Welcome to the real world. One thing is cleaning and scraping because that is your duty in whatever military setting and another is being presented with repetitive, boring, thankless work day after day after day.

Maybe the positive thing you can get from your new role is to understand why women have fought for equality, the point of feminism (and I am not a militant feminist in any shape or form) etc etc. Now that you are in that 'woman's position' (in your view) you may be more able to understand the woman's point of view.

Manathome I know one should never ever say this but I am going to anyway.

Get-a-bloody-grip.

This must be some kind of parody set-up surely?

If not OP, you've got 2 daughters there. Surely they are uniquely placed as females to tidy the house for you - then you can be a sad old sexist fusspot while indulging in a spot of child slave labour on the side. You can then get on with the important task of trawling internet price comparison sites for things to buy. Perfect.

I am so hoping this is a troll. Horrible to think someone really thinks like this.

It frightens me to think that Manathome may be for real

He seems to have disappeared. Maybe too busy doing a hundred push ups to punish himself for not lining up all the shoes 1cm apart in the cupboard?

Ok, Manathome , I'm not going to go through the whys and wherefores on this one, it seems unlikely you'd listen anyway, so I'll just give it to you straight.

You say you're from a military background, that means you're familiar with military training (I'm guessing some form of officer training). So use what you already know and apply it to your current situation, it's not rocket science.

I bet when you first started your military career, polishing boots, ironing uniforms, making beds, scrubbing toilets, handling weapons and all the other stuff you ended up doing didn't come naturally to start with. But there was no escaping it, it had to be done no matter what. And the more you carried out those tasks the easier they became, until eventually it was second nature to you.

Same with housework. Very few people (male or female) are naturally good at housework and even fewer actually enjoy it. It's one of those things that just has to be done that we learn through repetition until it becomes habit. It's said you have to repeat a task over and over for around 28 days for it to start to form the basis of a habit.

Sitting on your arse whilst things were left undone wouldn't have been tolerated during your career, you probably wouldn't have tolerated it from your wife whilst it was her responsibility, so you shouldn't tolerate it from yourself now. Likewise your whiney "can't do it" attitude wouldn't have washed during your career either. You know you're capable of keeping house just as well as your wife did if you actually put the effort in, you just don't want to.

Time to buck your ideas up, roll up your sleeves and just get on with it. After all, what would your ex colleagues make of you not being able to do "womens work"? They'd have a field day laughing at your current "I can't do it" excuses I'm sure!

I think he is currently getting thrashed within an inch of his life in the dungeon.

Good morning everyone, I hope this finds you well

Please note:

I would like to remind you all that MN's raison d'être is to make parents' lives easier by pooling and sharing advice and support. I would ask members to respect each other's opinions even if they don't agree with them!

Now shall we move on and 'respect' each others differences and views, rather than attacking individuals?

Please remember there is no one forcing you to read or reply to my threads or posts, so perhaps you could consider ignoring them if you have nothing useful to add or contribute!

Many thanks to those people who have been supportive, I am 'getting a grip' and will endeavor to grip some more

Morning, MAH

Please note:

Mumsnetters do not like to be patronised by other Mumsnetters. Nor do we like to be told what we can and can't read or reply to!

You have had lots and lots of good advice on this thread so far. I hope that it has proved useful for you.

How are you feeling about your new role now, in the light of what has been discussed here (and on other MN threads) so far?

Please also note:

If individuals are being attacked, then said individual should report such attack to MNHQ who will delete relevant posts

I am not going to spend too much time on here as it is sitting at my computer, whether reading news, looking for deals on the latest gadgets or chatting here that is eating away at my life, I realised that yesterday when I see what I achieved.

My weekends are always sporty and fun with the family, we are very, very rarely home, always on our boat, in our motorhome or in a hotel somewhere. This weekend we are having 5 nights in Chester, 9yr old is staying with big brother for a treat and I am taking 2yr old with my wife, reason for this is 9yr old cannot be off school Fri & Mon and wife is working up there on those days, so seemed daft to come all the way back to London. Would appreciate any hints on good things to do while up there on those days, hotel has great leisure complex but you can only be massaged and swim for so long!

Fitted new TV yesterday, had to balance a gadget with housework, I could not believe the crap that as behind the old one, and spaghetti of wires, so all cleaned to perfection, cables all tidied up and you know what, I feel great about it, it just looks fresh in that corner, am I sad or what?

So today? getting a grip of myself, I have NO reason to act the pathetic I can't do this , I can't do that because I am a man nonsense, I am looking on it as a job to be done, but what is hard to get my head around is there is no end date like retirement, just death to get away from it. I have got a decorator coming tonight, I decided yesterday I am having the whole house decorated top to bottom, this could take 2 months, so may stagger it a bit. I love project managing, designing, sourcing and buying (rubbish at selling though), so this will keep me busy.

I have been reviewing how to minimise work and effort, well you will be proud of me because yesterday I replaced the front and rear house lights with sensor lights, these come on when you approach, we have dusk to dawn lights at the end of the drive, so this will enhance the arrival experience of all my friends who don't come to see me because I am a grumpy git . I am also look at floor coverings, we have carpet throughout and this means I need to hoover, so I was in John Lewis yesterday looking at wood flooring, blimey that is expensive stuff! Not the stuff in truth, the fitting, a pure rip off, I may need to go to Lidl's and get a saw

Cleaned my cooker top yesterday (huge gas cooker with an absolutely useless BBQ system in the middle that smokes the whole house out, the kitchen designer went for looks rather than praticability in selecting the cooker hood which has no edges like in a chip shop, and what it can't suck up it blows around the kitchen, great for normal stuff but not BBQ's), looks nice but just got dirty again when I made supper yesterday, Oh well I guess it is true 'a woman's work is never done' as they say!

What am I going to do now, well stopped in at waitrose on the way back from the school run, bought some diced beef and fresh veg and I am going to make a gorgeous stew in my slow cooker, what I like about that is that I put the effort in now and I can relax this afternoon as it is all done .

OK, I can see eyes glazing now so off to get on with some work, I will pop back at lunchtime to check for any more helpful advice, please bear with my, I am trying my best and have been totally honest that I needed help, very hard for a man, and worse still to be ridiculed by women who just turned me off with their attitude causing me to retaliate and make things worse.

Thanks again to those that are making me get my arse in gear

Hello Manathome,

I've been trying to think what I would do in your position.

The first thing is that I would absolutely not waste my time trying to work out how to clean a bathroom efficiently. It's a boring necessity for me, not some sort of test of housewifely skills through which I can demonstrate my worth. In your position I would get a cleaner in. Hell, in your position I would probably try to hire a housekeeper who could coordinate the whole shebang as well. Then I would concentrate on more interesting things.

In your position I would first try to get my head sorted out. I do think you (and your family) would benefit from some intensive therapy - perhaps three times a week for a year. The key for me was your (entirely understandable) bitterness at being sent off to boarding school at a young age. I think you need to explore your attitudes to family life and how that relates to household work, for example. Do you resent your mother, and by extension, other women?

You say you really miss work and retirement is overrated - I can sympathise with that. Is there any way you can use your working skills part time, to fit in with your children's nursery/school times? Given that you don't actually need the money, you could offer your services to a charity or non-profit org. My aunt and uncle retired a few years back, at a stage where they were still mentally and physically very active. He used to be a uni lecturer, she was head of department at a sixth form. He has since become mayor of their town, and she works as a volunteer in the local theatre and at Oxfam. Retirement needn't be boring, but it will be if you insist on cleaning toilets when you hate it.

Finally, a word about MN. MN is an incredibly robust forum, where merely being a bit mean is not sufficient reason to get a post deleted. If the MNers detect a person in real desperation - perhaps through domestic abuse (whether male or female), perhaps a serious illness in the family - they will offer great sympathy and support. But otherwise you're fair game - on an average thread of 100 posts, at least a few will be openly or implicitly calling you a loon, another few will be pulling the troll card (after all, you're probably exactly who you say, but we can't know that - you could be a bored teenager for all we know). If you can put up with that you'll fit in here long term - assuming you can manage to do something about the derogatory-sounding 'load of women' comments. Best of luck with your life.

Nothing like a good boast, I say! Are you going to reply to my PMs? they are well meant.

I have replied to them and you replied, so confused, anyway you have another long one in your box, was typing as you were moaning

This is true, you did reply to most, thanks, and thanks publicly for latest.

tenebrist - thanks for the post, don't worry I am a seasoned human and can give as good as I get, seems though that some people like to give but moan when they get (not me, I like debate).

I stupidly thought that joining here I could trade my lifes experiences to get help with other stuff, if you look at my other threads I have been helpful and answered PM's from people wanting advice, I love to help with things I am interested in and have knowledge of.

Going back to cleaning, I can't just wipe over a bathroom, I do it in great detail, I use an old toothbrush to get behind things, I bleach things, I thoroughly clean everything that is why it takes time, I even leave a sterident (is that the word) pill in the toilet bowl to keep it clean, I strip the toilet seats down, take off the hinges and clean them, daft I know but it pays off in the end and I feel better sitting on it reading the paper . I have a jacuzzi in one of the bathrooms, I always use a special pipe cleaner to keep the internal hoses clean, its a faff as you have to go through a process that involves filling the bath so many times, I don't want to steralise the kids. Even the water jet holes, I get deep and personal with them with an old toothbrush getting in everywhere, I can't stand half a job, people leaving mirrors with streaks on it drives me nuts, I would rather not do it.

Maybe I spend too much time on this and the ironing and tidying gets left, you know what, I tidy the kids bedrooms and next thing the stuff is all out again, I am trying to instill some discipline into them and teach them how to put things away. I will be staring a 'bull night' where the children are going to given some basic tasks to do around the house involving cleaning and tidying in the hope that this will instill a bit of discipline I lack, hopefully showing them what to do will motivate me to get on with stuff as well if that makes sense.

re charity work, I do give to certain charities but am aware of serious issues in relation to some of them in how much actually goes to the good cause and how much is siphoned off for admin e.t.c. Careful reading of annual reports shows this in 'some' cases, so charities are not a favourite of mine, I prefer to identify and give direct.

OK off to work, be easy on me please

Sorry.
Couldn't resist the bitchy joke.
Wasn't very nice.
(but then you weren't very nice about women's roles bladeblah.)
We're all human!

Manathome - you're a bit of a perfectionist aren't you! Cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush while the ironing piles up, making the back of the telly pristine while the rest of the room gets messy.

I think what you need to do (until you get a cleaner - I can definitely see that in your near future! ) is break the habit of making things perfect.

Try something - go into a room, any room, and set a timer for, say, 20 minutes. Not too long, that will defeat the purpose. Tidy/clean that room for ONLY 20 minutes. Keep reminding yourself that after 20 minutes you are going to LEAVE THE ROOM. You don't have time to be perfect, you only have time to whizz around and do the bare necessities. Then when the timer goes off, leave the room. Go to another room. Set the timer again and do it all again. Then repeat a third time.

After ONE HOUR you have done a surface clean and tidy of three rooms. Nothing is perfect, you probably didn't even have time to hoover, but those three rooms are cleaner and tidier and look better than they did an hour ago.

Now, if you want to, go back and perfectly clean, sterilize and nitpick all you want. But if you don't want to, you have achieved more in the past hour in three rooms than you would have if you had focussed on one tiny task.

Incidentally, this is my system for days when I CBA to do much. I hit the downstairs for an hour which means the house is fit for unexpected visitors. I hope and pray they won't have reason to go upstairs...

Are you real? Because for someone of 48 who went to boarding school your post is strangely grammar and structure-free.

Other weird thing is people who, then and now, go to boarding school tend to be decent cooks and know how to make beds as otherwise they starve to death on awful food and have to kip in rumply blankets.

What you say is exactly what I do when my wife rings to say she is on the way home But I have 1 hour

I will certainly try that, now off to research best value timer and buy one

Note to self: Do not buy branded (including Lidl), people may get jealous

I have been setting up my Wifi Home Networking Hard Drive with the new Smart TV, I have hundreds of films for the kids on the hard drive and it now plays through the wireless network to the TV, it shows pictures of the DVD in it's box and a summary of the film, don't know where it got them from, very clever. Anyway the point was I just turned on the TV and the screensaver or whatever starts up LG - Life's Good, that cheered me up, sad I know and may perceive me as having a weak spot but thought I would share it

LIFE IS GOOD

Hi Manathome, glad you've decided to get a grip and just get on with it. It's sometimes the only way I'm afraid!

Lesson number 2 is letting go of the perfectionism somewhat. Going back to your career for a moment, part of the reason seemingly menial chores are carried out to the smallest detail in military training is to break the spirit somewhat and make you a more malleable human being who is more likely to follow orders. Of course it's also to ensure that everything runs like a well oiled machine. If you don't take care of and pride in the small stuff the big stuff starts to slip too.

Yes, it's important to take care of the details in the home too, but not to the same obsessive degree that the military requires. It's NOT necessary to clean the bathroom (or any room!) to the level of detail you describe every time it's cleaned. Break the house up in to different areas and set yourself a rota for detail cleaning. Assign a week to each area, so week one for bedrooms, week two for bathrooms, week three for kitchen, week four for living areas etc and spend each week detail cleaning that area. So long as the details are taken care of on a regular enough basis a quick once over is all that's needed day to day to maintain that level of cleanliness. If stripping the toilet seat down and taking the hinges off to clean them once a month isn't often enough for you (baring in mind that the only reason most people remove the toilet seat is when it's broken and needs replacing!), then come up with a rota that gives a couple of days in each area rather than a week. Either way you need to find a middle ground that works for you.

As for instilling some discipline in your kids when it comes to tidying, I think at such a young age you can't expect them to do it alone, you're going to have to do it with them (but not completely FOR them). Building routine is important, so toys should be put away after playing all the time, not just some of the time for example or they will end up receiving a mixed message. Find an age appropriate way for getting them involved and give them some responsibility (along with guidance each time) to carry out their own tasks. Be prepared for their habits to take longer to form and their tasks to take longer to carry out than your own though. But above all else, lead by example. The more they see you do it the more they will do it themselves. But be warned that also applies to the obsessive side of things too, just as you don't want them picking up on your lack of good habits at present, you don't want to turn them into individuals who are obsessive slaves to detail either.

corygal - a quick reply, I use my iphone, not 48 any more eyes going a bit so apologies for structure and grammar as I clearly can't spoke right and speeling probably bad as well . Re cooking, love that never moaned, I am very good at that and love it, even a great baker, read my posts. Beds, hospital corners hard with fitted sheets and duvets

Happy now? And anyway, who gives a stuff about grammar at my age, you understood didn't you, maybe you could concentrate on getting people to speak English in the country, it would be a good start!

Have a look on your phone, it's quite common for them to have a timer feature somewhere that will do the job. Or do you already have a kitchen timer that you can use? Researching the best value timer if you've already got something that can do the job is just procrastinating and perfectionism. Stop it.