Would home education be a good fit for us?

Is he in nappies at home? How old is he that he isn’t ready to potty train? On that note I understand the school - teachers can’t be changing nappies.

I can see where you’re coming from, but from a mum who went through the same I would advise pushing for more support if he has suspected sen. My son is autistic and I honestly think the support he receives at school is highly necessary. I couldn’t teach him well at home.

My autistic DS was nowhere with potty training when he started school. We'd begun when he was 2.5, and despite the involvement of our GP, the HV, the enuresis nurse, ERIC and a private potty training consultant, he just couldn't do it.

We chose his (state) school because it's small (one form entry), very nurturing and we could see that it had a few children with very significant physical SEN.

As soon as he was accepted, I emailed the SEN lead and explained the situation. We went in to meet with them in the June before he started to explain the situation in more detail and make a plan. They were happy for us to send pullups, and he was supervised by the wonderful class teacher or one of three TAs in changing his own at lunchtime if it was just wet, and they would change him if he pooed there, but we found that was rare. They never made us or him feel bad about it, and he toilet-trained beautifully in a week over the summer between Reception and Year 1, about a fortnight before his baby sister was born - so at the point we'd have least expected it - and has never looked back. He's now in year 4 and socially and academically he's flying. He feels very safe and nurtured there.

Does your child have a diagnosis of hypermobility? If not, I'd look at that - it's often found alongside autism and is connected with late toileting as the kids just don't get the right sensory messages.

4 is so young for formal school. Could you defer a year and see how he is next year?

I don't know how it works in England, but in Scotland Jan/Feb born children (i.e. the youngest in the school year) can easily be defered and have another year's funded place at pre school.

You haven’t “failed him” he needs better support at school though. My nephew wasn’t dry at school until year5, he’s very intelligent but also autistic. He’s now a teenager in mainstream school and flying along. He did have a EHCP & extra support in place in primary but in secondary he has needed less support as they are better set up for ND. Keeping fighting you will need to become THat parent but every year there will be children who need extra support.

A few things.

What outcome are you looking for? Special needs school? mainstream with support? Long term home education?

Home education can be incredibly successful for many kids with ASD, in fact covid taught Us that a number of problems are caused by school.

But to do it well is a major commitment both in terms of time and resources. Can you make that commitment

Also your DC is young and legally doesn't need to attend any schooling yet.

But if you are going through NHS assessments that can be very school focused. Pulling them out can make it a bit harder.

So it's not a simple answer either way

Sorry year 5 is aged 9-10.

FYI DS(15) with SN didn't potty train until he was 4 and 3/4 years. Then it just suddenly happened pullups one day to virtually totally dry the next.

I am surprised your 4 year old is already at school though

Could you defer til next year? That would keep your options open and you could see how you get on in the meantime?

Not if you defer, he would start reception next September. He doesn't need to be at school aged 4.

It sounds as though he simply isn't ready, physically or emotionally, for school yet. I would give him another year at home.

As a home educator of many years I would say you’re better off supporting him with the school than withdrawing him.

Ask about deferring, or doing half days or trying again when he’s adjusted to that.

Home Ed is right for us for reasons connected to chronic conditions but it is HARD to do well.
It’s relatively easy to not send them to school but keeping up with pushing their development to the next stage and the next when you aren’t someone who has already studied child development and is trying to keep on top of cooking, cleaning, washing and maybe other children on top is not realistically going to mean they are getting their needs met.
If they aren’t at school they don’t see the level other kids are working at and are rarely made to push themselves if it gets hard by someone who won’t just do it for them.

it’s fine when they’re little and it’s all play based but if you can make sure your kid is able to be included at school instead of excluded by school then long term I think he will be better off

Personally I wouldn’t deregister. Parents often find it easier to get support when on a school’s roll even if their DC isn’t attending. Bluntly you are someone’s ‘problem’, whereas if you EHE it is easier for professionals to brush DC’s needs under the carpet. And if you EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of their duties.

Instead I would request an early review of the EHCP. Are there therapies in the EHCP? Have you considered if a SS would meet DS’s needs better or an ARP? If no school is you suitable have you considered EOTAS?

In the meantime if DS can’t attend school full time due to their MH &/or SEN the LA should be making alternative arrangements to ensure DC receives a suitable full time education.

The school can’t insist on no nappies or pull ups.

Keeping DS in the system doesn’t mean you have to force DS to attend school full time when that would cause more harm than good.

The school can’t insist on no nappies or pull ups
Teachers are there to teach, they shouldn't be expected to change nappies.

But the school do need to make accommodations even if it isn't individual teachers that have to change the nappies.

Discriminating against a disabled child by not allowing pull ups or nappies is unlawful, whether it is teachers that help with personal care or not, the school are legally required to make reasonable adjustments.

Has anything been mentioned about a reduced timetable - not unheard of that some children who struggle do half days or just a few days a week, even beyond reception. If he coped well with nursery for half days then that seems like a good thing to try first.
I think in terms of his education you need to think about whether you are really able to homeschool or whether you are simply trying to remove him from school (understandable since he’s really struggling). Because teaching a child with needs is difficult even for professionals. You may be making things more tricky in the long run for yourself and him.
There is a child in the school I work at in pull-ups - it’s a junior school, he’s 8... So as much as I understand it’s difficult for the staff, I don’t think insisting he shouldn’t be in nappies at four when there may be additional needs involved is reasonable at all. Maybe look for an alternative school before jumping to homeschooling. I think homeschooling can be a great thing - my friend does it and loves it - but I think it should ideally come from a positive place, not out of desperation because school isn’t working out.

Does DS actually have an EHCP or are you going through the EHCNA process now? If the former, have you asked for an early review? If the latter, where are you in the process? Have you spoken to the SENCO?

As DS is not yet CSA you don’t need the school to agree to DS attending part time. Although, once DS is CSA part time timetables should only be used short term with the aim of reintegration. After that DS should be in school full time or alternative arrangements should be made as well as/instead of the part time timetable.

You can request part time timetable. In fact, you're the only one who can really.

From what you've said, I don't think home education sounds suitable at all. If he doesn't make progress, you're going to continue to beat yourself up and blame yourself for his special needs. It's not your fault at all.

The other thing you might not know is that you can apply for an assessment of his needs. This is called an ERSA and you apply to the local authority. If they agree, this will get him an EHCP. It still takes time, but it is faster than the school doing it. With an EHCP, he would have funding that would go to the school to support him.

Tell school he will be wearing pull ups as a reasonable adjustment.