Would home education be a good fit for us?

Just put him into reception next year

meanwhile start tHe assessment rolling

play board games

work on social skills

empathy
kindness

EHCNA/EHCP timescales are set in law and are the same regardless of whether parents apply or the school applies, and an EHCNA doesn’t guarantee an EHCP will be issued.

You've said in a couple of posts when people have suggested starting the assessment process, having a part time timetable or deferring till next September, that school hasn't suggested those things. Bluntly - so what? You're his biggest advocate. If you think he would benefit from being PT/starting again next year or being assessment for SEN, you are going to have to kick up an almighty stink till those things happen. You can't sit back and wait for school to suggest things.

I decided to home educate my 5yo with similar needs after he struggled with nursery.

The downsides are the lack of support (try getting SALT or an ASD assessment with no school setting) and that it is all on you. Also realistically it’s made school much less of an option permanently. He isn’t under the illusion it’s compulsory or something you have to do. I think if anything he’d be more resistant to going if we needed or chose to use school. In addition it’s expensive and socially it’s hard, he’s no more included in home Ed groups than in nursery.

However ultimately he’s happier and less anxious, he has made massive gains in social and communication skills at home and we’re free to work around his needs, we’re not constrained by the reality that there are 30 other kids who need to be considered. Nursery made him miserable. I see in home Ed groups how many kids with ASD drop out in late primary, early secondary and worst of all GCSE years and how the school trauma impacts them for years. I’m glad we’re hopefully avoiding that.

How about flexischooling? If school will agree, you could send him for the mornings and collect him at midday, so he get the best of both worlds?

School would have to mark him as absent for the afternoon, but it would be an X (below compulsory age) rather than an O (unauthorised).

Legally, yes. But many local authorities put up barriers to application from schools, that are not present when parents apply. Not to mention the local authorities fully ignoring the law.

Have you thought about pursuing EOTAS via an EHCP for access to therapies and funding?

LAs put up barriers for EHCNA requests from parents just as much as they do from schools. Many LAs refuse the vast majority of applications regardless of who applies. Parents can force LAs to comply with the law.

No, I didn’t mean that at all! I was just wondering if his not being ready was perhaps because of his age rather than sen. My son (autistic) wasn’t reliably dry till nearly 5 years old! It was so stressful at the time with people making stupid comments about how their child was potty trained at three weeks old with the oh crap book blah blah, but looking back he just wasn’t capable. It wasn’t a choice of using nappies or the toilet, it was wet nappy or wet pants. I know it’s hard to keep pushing for support but in my experience you sort of have to make a nuisance out of yourself. Make yourself so irritating that it becomes easier for them to support you than to keep dealing with you. Have you seen outside agencies too? Or is it just the school? Some schools aren’t much good sadly. Others are really supportive. I’m so lucky with our school, but I hear through other mums of schools that just don’t have the framework for sen support. It’s sad.

Ask for another meeting.

Ask why they won't have him in pull ups.

Ask for a part time timetable, to be reviewed regularly.

They may have valid reasons to explain the pull ups, and valid reasons why they wouldn't want a part time timetable, but it's good to ask.

Don't try to home educate now. From all you've said, it seems like you're being harsh on yourself. He might begin to settle in. The school might work out what supports him.

Have you appealed the EHCNA refusal?

As DS is below CSA you don’t need the school to agree to a part time timetable.

There is no valid reason to discriminate against OP’s DS and refuse pull ups/nappies.

Appeal the ECHNA. Your dc doesn't need a diagnosis to get an EHCP. If he has a paediatrician have they provided any reports in support of the application?

Ask the school to refer to an EP. If you're willing to home educate could you look to do a reduced timetable (mornings only etc). Often they are successful at settling kids in.

I would go with flexi schooling or part time until your ds can cope with full time. Also, fight for the provision that will enable him to be happy and settled in school.

Home ed is not an easy path, there are activities out there but it is very expensive as a way of life (just our experience). It's also hard on you as a parent to be completely responsible for your child's social and educational needs.

The toileting issue is terrible, if he's not trained and there's Sen then they need to change him. Currently they are failing his health needs and emotional needs, My ds was 6 before he full trained. In our area you can involve the incontinence team at 6, ds trained just as he reached top of the wait list. Does he have a Sen plan? How are they currently supporting him? If he is struggling is he able to take a sensory break? If you do not feel they are meeting need you could try talking to your local council Sen team (who will be dealing with ehcp and explain what you are unhappy with) they can insist school make reasonable adjustments for your child. Also check if there's a Sen support in your area, we have a service called SENDIAS their job is to support parents/children with Sen with regards to ensuring school are meeting need and that ehcps are up to standard. . You could ask for advise on the sen board too about how school are working with him. But also agree deferring a year could help, don't just ask school though they may just say no to keep him on books, Ring the education team at the council.

Re keeping your son home from school and/or going part-time: until a child reaches Compulsory School Age in the term after his fifth birthday, there are no consequences to you if keep him off. You cannot be fined for the nonattendance of a child who is below CSA. If he doesn't attend at all and you don't properly defer his place, eventually the school might claim that they thought you didn't want the place and remove him from roll, but they shouldn't do that if you keep communications open.

If you look at the School Admissions Code, you will see that you have the absolute right to send him part-time while he is below CSA. The school cannot say no. www.gov.uk/government/publications/school-admissions-code--2 This is not flexi-schooling.

Flexi-schooling is the part-time attendance of a child who is CSA. Once your child reaches CSA, you need the school's agreement to do it, or to have it specified on the child's EHCP. Most schools are not keen because it affects their attendance figures. If the school refuse, you might stick to your guns and keep him off anyway, bearing in mind that if they claim he is capable of full-time attendance you will likely be threatened with fines in due course. Schools which do agree to flexi-school often see it as a temporary arrangement, and will keep pushing for a return to full-time.

Unfortunately OP, DC with SEN whose parents know the system and can advocate for their DC get better support. It shouldn’t be that way but it is.

When was the EHCNA refusal? Are you still within the appeal window?

you don’t mention anything about your capability to home educate. Any experience? Your background?

If the EHCNA was refused, there wouldn't be a draft EHCP, just a letter saying refusal to assess, usually stating that there isn't enough evidence that the local authority needs to be involved in the child's education.

You don’t need to contact the school to find out whether you are still within the appeal window. The deadline is 2 months from the date on the letter you received from the LA detailing their refusal (was it refusal to assess or refusal to issue?) or 1 month from the mediation certificate, whichever is later. Stop relying on the school to provide information as not all schools will provide accurate information.

If it was the school that submitted an EHCNA request it is unlikely you are out of time to appeal since he only started there in September, unless the school applied straight away and by some amazing chance the LA replied unusually quickly.

I would take him out of school for now. It's completely unacceptable for him to be going through such hardship and no pie in the sky promise of help makes it acceptable. Six months is a long time in your child's life. It will be possible to have assessments done either privately or through an NHS paediatrician which you can use in the future to have your son's needs catered for with a plan at school before he starts.

with a plan at school before he starts.

The problem with this plan is it is easier to get support when a pupil is on a school’s roll, even if they aren’t attending full time.

Yes but look at what he's going through and they're not even providing support because they're still at the data gathering stage. That thinking won't ease his suffering for ages.