Once again thinking of HE... please talk to me! (Long sorry!)

[fuzzpig]

Today I completely failed to get my DCs to school. Both have the odd day when they just refuse. DS (5, yr1) in particular - he gets very clingy and upset. DD (7, yr3) is having a bullying issue and that's what got her upset today, although she would've gone in if DS had, I think.

I've lurked/posted here under various names since I joined MN around 2010, and both DH and I are very pro-HE. We've read a bit about it and made plans about how we'd approach it, I even had plans for projects etc! We decided to give nursery/school a go though, and DD flourished immediately (she's very social... unlike us!) so we put HE plans on hold with the agreement that we would absolutely HE if we felt it best. This turned out to be a blessing as DH got an injury and lost his job, I had to go to work but then I got very ill - I'm now disabled with a variable, unpredictable condition. There's no way we would've managed if they weren't at school.

Things went pretty well until this September when DD moved to juniors (separate school, not primary) - it's huge (150 pupils per year) and she was overwhelmed. She has friends (barring this 'frenemy') but just found it too much really, she became even more anxious - she's always been sensitive - and wasn't sleeping. She has a referral for this as it does affect many aspects of her life. Anyway sometimes she would have to be peeled off me at the classroom door, which had honestly never happened before. BUT academically it has been surprisingly good for her - she's blossomed under the clearer structure and adores homework and spelling tests, finally enjoying and making progress in maths etc.

DS, who loved reception, is sometimes completely refusing to even get dressed now. Due to my health I simply cannot force him or 'drag' him to school (and we have no car to bundle him into). I tried once and really suffered for it. When I ask, he says it (the school day) 'takes too long', and he misses me. He also hates assembly and says it hurts his ears (he does cover his ears at loud noises, and has had congestion/hearing loss in the past so this is feasible, but school don't seem convinced). He is youngest in the year too, and has a significant speech disorder although that is gradually improving.

Anyway, both schools are very supportive and understanding and we've always been very open about or struggles. I have arranged a meeting with the infants SENCO tomorrow and am awaiting a call from the welfare officer at the juniors, both because they want to see how else they can help. I'm in a bad phase healthwise - not been to work for a few weeks - and I'm scared of their attendance dropping - I doubt the EWO would be so sympathetic as the schools themselves!

So back to today - I just wasn't up to the battle of getting them there. They both visibly relaxed when I agreed, and were very happy to do "school at home". We've had a great day - a bit of maths, reading, spelling etc, and DD even spent well over an hour enthusiastically making a poster to show her class, after reading more about a topic they'd briefly touched on at school. She said "I've set myself some homework!" and was so happy doing it! The only thing they've grumbled about is lack of telly (which we don't have during the school week anyway).

I'm just confused really and I have no idea what to do. Most of the time they are fine but when they have a bad day it's not just bad but impossible! But I was wary of making this too fun (hence not putting DVDs on - which I would, if we were actually HEing) in case the school refusal (if I can even call it that, when it's not constant) gets worse because they want to stay home more. And I'm worried that the fact I have idly dreamed of HE for years will cloud my judgement if it's not actually the best thing to do in this instance, IYSWIM. If they were refusing every day then it would be a much easier choice! DH (who due to his past is much angrier about this other girl upsetting DD) is very gung-ho and "we will make it work" but although I am yearning to just take them out, my head is more powerful than my heart.

I'm reasonably confident they could learn a lot at home (not that I'm saying it'd all be easy like today!), but there's the practical worries - money?! DH's job is low income at the moment, and without my extra pittance from part time work we would struggle (although things might get easier as our rent will decrease if we get housed - currently on register... which incidentally would mean we'd have to change schools anyway, because there's virtually no council housing in this relatively affluent part of town). Because of money and physical constraints I'm worried their world would just become TOO small, if that makes sense? Even continuing things like Brownies would be a strain on our wallets. And selfishly I worry what effect it would have on me - I need, need, NEED downtime both mentally (I have AS) and physically, and would lose confidence without my job I think. There's no family who could help really and with both of us being very shy, we don't have a support network per se and would really struggle to make one. Today I've got by because we are literally 'playing school', so they've had playtimes when teacher can have a rest - can't see that working long term. Getting enough exercise is a concern too, I worry enough as it is because I currently can't manage to visit the park after school etc and we don't have a garden to run around it (again this will hopefully change with council housing).

Oh gosh this is ridiculously long, apologies. I have just had all these thoughts going round and round for weeks/months now and I'm hoping for some wise words from you lovely people! :)

So true Saracen, in my line of work I see parents make choices for their children based on what is most convenient for them rather than the child, and no one bats an eyelid at this at all!

[must stop derailing this thread]

Fuzzpig, I hope today goes well for you all. My DS also went to sleep unusually early last night and is still asleep now, 13 hours later!

I don't see why HE can't be a choice that suits the whole family- why shouldn't there be advantages for the parents as well? School has many advantages for parents- nobody objects to that!

I think the issue is that sometimes the balance of advantage tips too far one way or the other. I know a lot of HE families- and I do know at least one, possibly two,nwhere it is far too much the parent's choice. But I also know at least one where the parent committed to HE but is being ground down by it and feeling wracked with guilt about not enjoying it.......

My children have always wanted to home ed and we've always known other home edders. A quarter of the families where I now live, home ed! We're lucky to be part of such a large community of home edders.

I have a fluctuating health condition. On a bad day, I could just about get the (4) children to school but that effort, when I was pretty incapacitated, could be enough to render me useless at home, for a week or two following. So, due to my health, our home life inevitably suffered because of the regulations and constraints of school. They exacerbated my illness.

EHE enables me to run my home in a way which doesn't worsen my condition. This actually is better for my children. They now have a fully functioning mother, pretty much 24/7. When I do have a difficult day, we can work around it, so my recovery is a hundred times faster.

So, even when parental choice or parental health is in part a reason for EHE, it does not mean it isn't for the children's benefit - it certainly can be

Wow. I really never looked at it like that before - it feels very positive!

I guess I'd been focusing on the time I get to myself as being essential (so I drop the DCs off, walk back and collapse on the sofa for an hour or so before managing anything else) but maybe it would work another way.

I really need to consider my job though. I am scared of what will happen financially, and with my mental health (self esteem particularly) if I give it up altogether. It's not something where I can just change my hours unfortunately (I mean they did let me gradually reduce my hours, but that took a lot of occupational health input, I would've lost my job to the illness otherwise). I'm hopeful that we could get a little help from my parents - they were not enthusiastic babysitters but they find it easier I think now they're older. I virtually never ask so they know I don't take advantage. Anyway, my dad is retired and my mum had her hours cut and will probably retire in about 18 months. But even once a week would be a big ask really so I would have to figure something out.

Anyway, I'm about to start work having got the DCs to school relatively easily. Once DS had made the choice to get dressed he was fine but I did tell the teacher how tired he is.

As RigbyandMordecaisMum said earlier on, it is amazing what they (dc) think of by themselves.

A trick I use on a difficult (health wise) day, is to encourage self governed research. I suggest a subject (or a range of a few), along with a few tips or pointers of aspects of that subject to investigate and mine will happily spend some hours delving into it and taking notes, while preparing a presentation of what they've learned, to show me later on.

To me, this is far preferable and more productive than the typical school method of 'learn this, in this way, by this time and if you haven't, we'll just skip to the next bit'! They are absorbing so much more, at home and they have pride in what they're doing.

They also like to song and play write and between them, will devise some really good am-dram productions. They like these to be a surprise and don't want me involved

Worksheets and tests are another thing they will do themselves, so around the times when I'm actively teaching them, there is actually plenty for them to engage in. Earlier, they went bird watching with a camera and came home afterwards, to identify and learn about what they'd found

We do a part autonomous and part nc education. They study core subjects in line with the nc but we do lots outside of this. My eldest (preteen) is also starting a course in her chosen profession! I appreciate that she may change her mind but to have completed courses in her chosen field, by the time she's in her teens will look great on any job application.

That sounds amazing Amantes! It's the kind of approach I think we would take. I love the idea of autonomous learning but I've also seen DD really flourish with the more structured approach of the junior school, especially with maths. I have a lot of ideas for fun topics and projects, especially based on their interests, and they are very receptive to that sort of thing - but I'd like to encourage them to direct their own learning as well.

Another thing that was bugging me today. I've heard the words "attachment issue" mentioned a lot since DS started refusing school. I'm not really sure what they're implying - do they mean something is wrong with DS or his attachment to me? Because I just see that he needs me. :(

I also spoke to the office at the juniors as the welfare officer hasn't called me in a week. Turns out she's not there and it's been handed over to the HT apparently...

Example of self- governed research. Last week I gave DS a big jar of coins and a magnet. Told him to find out which were magnetic and why. Took him a good few hours but he worked it out in the end

For us our days tend to follow this rough pattern. I do 'stuff' with the DC in the morning (mix of nc and following their own interests) or we go out to HE groups/classes. Then we have lunch, DC help me prepare it but we are working towards them being able to make simple meals by themselves. Then we all have our free time. DC do what ever they choose and I can have some down time for myself if needed or get on with other jobs that need doing. I go to work from 3pm, which luckily is something I take them with me. There they get to meet other children, socialise etc. Sometimes I never see them till home time, others they stay close to me, just depends how they are feeling. I also get some time to myself in the evenings (if DS goes to sleep early enough) but I find the balance is just about right and we all get the alone/contact time we all need.

Have you looked into whether any local CM would take older kids during the day, some do as their other mindees only come after school times, or sometimes they HE their own children, so its an ideal career choice. I work in childcare and we take HE children (including mine) from 3pm when we open. Usually one parent drops off then and goes to work and the other that has been at work in the day picks up later.

That's a great idea and I'll definitely look into it. Unfortunately I earn less per hour than it costs for 2 children, but if it was once a week it'd probably be manageable.

Thankfully on Saturdays DSD is happy to babysit when I work (every other Saturday) which really helps. She's at college/placement FT in the week though so wouldn't put more on her shoulders.

DD crying on the way home again today. It's visibly chipping away at her. HT had better phone me tomorrow

Slight change of subject but can I ask for some suggestions for clubs that may be affordable? DD does brownies and DS is on the waiting list for beavers or whatever the first one is so hopefully he will get a place when he turns six (August - yep he's the youngest in the year which probably isn't helping), and there's a Badgers (st johns kids club) group on Saturdays which also has a minimum age of 6. Just wondering if there's any other suggestions around as those types of groups seem to be more affordable and possibly better socially too due to types of activity.

Football can be good and cheap, but it depends very much on the club and the coach.

I would always say the scouting movement - but that depends very much on the leaders-different groups range from fabulous to ghastly. You have to check them out.

If you have a local theatre, find out whether they have a youth theatre.

When I home schooled Ds did karate 2 x per week, beavers and swimming.
That was enough for him (but not especially cheap!)
We also had a few outings with a HE wildlife group which he liked.
He also did a day at an RAF base which I found out about from the LA.
We lived in a village and we had a travel a ling way to meet up with other home edders.
But in a Big city?
Loads to do!

(He now only does football)
But he also does a couple of lunchtime clubs at school.
Ds2 (6) does gymnastics and swimming.

I would definitely like them to do some sport if possible. Karate or similar has always been something I've wanted to get them into!

Unfortunately most clubs round here are the big 'brands' like little kickers, stagecoach etc and seem quite pricey.

It's just occurred to me though that while I've previously rejected activities at the leisure centre because it's across town (2 buses) if we weren't rushing after school it'd be ok ooh, and swimming in the daytime not at weekends...

DD wanted to do rock climbing but it's about £11 a week

And yes we do have a theatre, I've seen they do summer schools but not looked into anything regular there so I'll have a look :)

I think they do a circus skills one which looks great!

I'd like to think we could find plenty. We live in a town less than an hour from London, the town itself is a bit blah (though the library is fabulous :o) but we are quite lucky with country parks etc. Transport links are pretty good so hopefully we would do ok but it would take a lot more planning, I think, than if we could jump in a car IYSWIM.

Mind you planning journeys with cost/timetables etc is educational in itself

fuzz

Do you know you are still entitled to join activities provided by the LA, so sport, music, drama etc.
Obviously not the ones run by the schools themselves but county, even though they may be held in a school iyswim.
For e.g our county orchestra rehearses in a local high school that is used as a music centre and dd does several ensembles here.

DD did Rainbows which she loved but then moved up to Brownies and found the bitchiness social aspects too hard to handle, so swapped to Cubs instead. DS is in the Beavers at the same group and they both think its great. We use aspects of the program to supplement HE as they are both keen on earning badges and DS has set himself a personal goal of getting them ALL before he moves up in 2 months!

Apart from that they both do swimming lessons on a weekend at the local pool plus we try to get to the family swim session (only £2 per family) on a Wednesday lunchtime as often as possible.

They also each play a musical instrument and have lessons through the LA Music service. Usually their teachers go into schools to give lessons but we go to a local college for them instead.

Recently they have also been going to French classes run by another HE family. The woman who runs it does this to earn enough to HE basically. she does a couple of lessons for HE children during the day then private tutoring after school/evenings.

Ooh that's really interesting potato thanks. I know the music stuff is at a fairly nearby school. They also do discounts based on income so may be more affordable (we aren't getting FSM anymore, obviously they still get pupil premium but that's only while they're in school). I have been slowly teaching piano but anything else (except theory) I couldn't cover myself.

Really like the idea of lesson swapping with other families too!

My poor girl is still wide awake (calmed herself down by reading her brownies annual - she learned her Promise today :)) - she was in tears again because she doesn't want to go tomorrow.

We haven't mentioned HE at all to them, but she's said she doesn't want to leave her friends. She is scared that they will make her leave school :(

Does she play with the friends in the holidays or at weekends or after school? No need for any of that to stop...

Just PMed you fuzzpig.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time at the moment. Hope you and husband can figure out what's right for you all at the moment

I'll check my inbox soon moon, thank you battery about to die though so need to charge it.

Omm, she does see friends a little, but we don't really do much inviting because our house is tiny/messy and TBH I struggle with all that [mega mum guilt emoticon]. Thankfully her BFF's mum is very happy to get them together and I am pretty sure this could easily continue. I would need to put more effort in than I do now though.

Mine made new friends in the home ed community, each within weeks of leaving school. When one of my dds was concerned about leaving her friends, I encouraged her to be open to new (healthier!) friendships, with new people. That was a big thing for her but she's found the home ed crew to be a lot more easy to integrate into. No meanness, cliquery or negativity. Very welcoming.

Obviously, I can't say it's the same everywhere but in the areas where we've been when doing EHE, I've found the children to be respectful, positive and advanced, in terms of social and communication skills and it has led to much more beneficial friendships.

Amantes that sounds positive - I would definitely like DD to make more friends. Although I am happy she has a best friend, she is quite a strong character and I don't feel like it's quite equal IYSWIM? DD is pretty passive.

Got to school pretty easily today although DS was delaying getting dressed as long as possible! DD was excited as it's forest schools all day (definitely something I'd want to continue somehow - both DCs love nature) and tomorrow she's off to London for a trip.

My mind is still all a-buzz. I've decided what I'm going to do today is grab a bit of paper and fill three columns - positives of HE, negatives of HE, and possible solutions to those negatives. I need to get these thoughts out in some form of order because it's driving me nuts and I'm too distracted to do anything else!

I have done the list. I ran out of room for positives :o but the negatives, while lower in number, are big ones.

It's really finance/somehow keeping my job/childcare, and ensuring they get enough social/exercise opportunity, that are the huge sticking points, and beyond "we will make it work somehow" I'm still talking myself round in circles!

That said, I am getting closer to the conclusion HE is right for us. But even if we do it will take a while because of sorting out the above issues, and so we will not rush into pulling them out (if DD even wants to - she may want to stay longer) and will certainly keep working to make them happy at school.