Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

Some people on here are just sticking the knife in. You just weren’t compatible as holiday companions. Everyone has quirks/irritations. Niece shouldn’t have yelled and hopefully she will apologise.

Frankly, I dont even believe YOU have the phobias you claim to have. You seem to be able to miraculously switch them on and off according to whose company you are in.

Genuine phobias dont work like that.

Can this thread not become a mass kicking please?

I can't believe this is what you've taken from the replies you've had.

Actually, yes I can.

Any thoughts at all yet on what all this was like for your niece? Who most certainly did not lose it just because you turned over in bed?

I do not expect anyone to pander to me

Then why do you involve perfect strangers in every scenario and expect their support?

I HAVE PHOBIAS
You seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact that i have the same issues but i dont conduct myself as you do.
But that doesnt suit your narrative does it.

@vanillalattes as I said - I found a work around after a few days - I have learned a lesson - only to travel with people who know me extremely well or maybe by myself if brave enough. Either way, I want to travel, but I will find my own workarounds and never go with someone like that again as you've said it's not fair on them. But I really did try my hardest not to impact her, but obvs didn't work.

Agreed. I can only imagine the reaction to an English woman in France during an exceptionally busy period asking to take the gondola by herself with her niece because of her anxiety.

I expect it'll be deleted soon.

Im not sure why you are getting such a hard time @changezmonnom it sounds like your niece knows you really well and therefore was already aware you have mental health issues prior to the holidays. People with Mental health issues are allowed to go on any holiday they like assuming they can keep themselves safe.

PGCE is a very tough course and I imagine she was very tired at the end of a very long, difficult and stressful term and trying to learn to ski probably pushed her over the edge.

Hopefully she will call you, she will probably not apologise, but hopefully in order not to have a family rift she can atleast be cordial in your presence.

@Doteycat so because you have phobias, I'm expected to behave in the same way as you? I'm afraid my irrational brain doesn't work like that. If I could control it - I would - you have no idea but well done to you for being so brilliant :)

OP I think the relationship can be salvaged, but you both need to admit to some fault here and you both need to genuinely apologize.

A good way to think about this is how would she describe the holiday? It wants just tossing and turning than annoyed her. It sounded like your phobia made all forms of transport a challenge. And there was a lot of interaction with other people about your phobia and needs.

most people would have found this challenging - and maybe she was also embarrassed. I’m not saying that’s okay - just trying to understand this from her perspective. Skiing can be a tiring and stressful holiday as it is - how in your issues and her lack of sleep and it’s not shocking that cracks started to appear.

Have you spoken to her parents or siblings?

no doubt you are selfish, self centred in your travel arrangements, there needs to be give and take

Nope not what i said at all.
Typical answer of a narcicist.
What i said was you need help before it ruins your life.
Never once said i was brilliant.
But i do control myself and i dont blame others for my poor behaviour if i put myself into difficult situations. Such as you did.

@Bellyblueboy I have briefly spoken to her Mum who said - just one of those things and would have been better to have separate rooms. Although as detailed earlier - was not possible or I would have done it. Just never thought it was an issue as have been on holiday before a lot of times.

You say you "tried your hardest not to impact her" but 99% of your OP is about how you spoke about your issues at almost every given opportunity and even about how you shared them with random strangers on ski lifts.

Yet when she wasn't around, you managed to make friends and enjoy your holiday without any of the apparent drama that existed beforehand.

It's genuinely great that you found these solutions but can you not see how your behaviour must have come across to your niece?

She's had a horrible holiday. She hates skiing, the quiet drinks and quizes were probably dull for her, and your anxiety embarrassed her. Absolutely no excuses for screaming at you, but if you're looking for reasons why the wheels fell off, then her frustration at paying a lot of money (for a 19 year old) to have a rubbish time will be the reason, and another sleepless night the last straw.
Hopefully she will apologise and your relationship can be save
If I were you in future, I'd keep the accommodations you need to make for your anxiety and restlessness in mind when planning holidays with others. If you know there will be situations that could trigger it, I think its fair to explain to people what that could look like so they can make an informed decision to go, aware that certain things could be off the cards or interrupted if you have an attack. I'd also make sure you had your own room.

It sounds like your niece found skiing difficult so wasn't enjoying herself, on top of which she is not used to sharing a room with YOU, so was disturbed by your sleeping habits and probably felt exhausted (skiing when you can't get the hang of it is also exhausting). It's irrelevant how loudly her own mother snores, you get used to what is familiar.

You also sound hard work, constantly unable to deal with different scenarios. My own daughter has anxiety so I know what it's like to live alongside it, but I also know how to support and cajole her. Plus she isn't anything like as hardline as you seem to be. She might mention the crowds on a bus but get on anyway, as she sees it makes sense and will soon be over.

I hope you will reach out to her and apologise / sympathise, if only for the fact she didn't enjoy the holiday. She actually did the right thing in extracting herself from a difficult situation and you said yourself you enjoyed it once she was gone, so there's no reason to see this as relationship- ending - bit dramatic after 28 years, don't you think?

We all have less than perfect situations arising with family and friends at times. You have to look at the overall picture.

@vanillalattes I said I really tried hard not to impact her, but the rest of the time I encouraged her to join in things, meet people, asked her what she wanted to do. They were very small moments of time, but yes I get it significant. The rest of the time was positive and normal

Crikey, why on earth would you want to share a room at your age? I cannot imagine anything worse than sharing a room at this point in my life with somebody who isn't my DH, even family members. I really think you should have put your hand in your pocket and paid for your teenage niece to have her own room if you wanted her to accompany you on holiday. It sounds like the trip was mainly centred around you and your anxiety, this would have been incredibly draining.

Having no respite whatsoever from your persistent anxiety or any privacy must have been incredibly challenging. Learning to ski is also all-consuming and physically draining, I'm not surprised that your turning in bed was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Why does everyone think she’s 19? She’s 28. The OP’s son is 19, not the niece. She said she wanted to go on a skiing holiday and is getting a bloody good deal financially. She’s not some bored teen being dragged along.

she didnt have the patience
who can blame her
i wouldnt have patience my for dm to travel with her, she is a nervous wreck in my car! refuses to go on the tube, although we have done, but she is 90
you are not 90

OP, this post is all about your issues. It is just not great for someone on holiday with you. An elderly relative went on holiday with her children. They wanted to take her in a wheelchair but she insisted that she walked and all the time talked about how great she was doing. Never mind that her children were so inconvenienced and didn’t get to see half the things they wanted to do. They didn’t go away with her again.
It was very kind of you to help bring up your niece, but please don’t think she owes you in any way for it. Her mother might owe you but not her.

OP - you know/knew you have these severe problems. Why did you ever go? I should have thought a crowded ski resort was the worse place for someone like you. You are not well. Stay home until you are better. People/everyone have problems of their own. Surprised DN managed to get a flight home this time of the year. It must have cost £££

To be fair, the details gave a picture of how the op's anxiety manifests and how that might have impacted on the niece. I'm sure the op could have written it in a way that led to more people feeling that it was all the fault of the niece, by leaving details out.

It's nice to be told the other party was wholly unreasonable but much healthier in the long run to hear different perspectives.