Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

I have to say, I felt irritated & exhausted just reading your post. I find people who go on and on about their nervousness around perfectly foreseeable situations (yes, it WILL be crowded during the winter holidays!) really wearing & exhausting. It's all "Me me me"

I'm a coper. If I'm nervous about something I either face the fear & think rationally through it, or I find ways of adapting. I do not expect others to be constantly having to work around my deficiencies (and I have many, but I deal with them).

@5128gap thanks for your insight - I did tell her about my anxiety, she did know and I told her a lot of the details of how hard skiing is and the accommodation being basic, but I do also try to factor my issues into holidays with other people. This one has turned out to be the most difficult and yes I've learned a lot from it. She's 28 by the way and is now a full time teacher. My son is 19.

Oops! Sorry OP. Other than it not being a lot of money for a teen, and it being even worse she lost control, I think the rest still applies.

Maybe you should use your therapy to work on seeing things from other's points of view. Neither of you covered yourself with glory here

Why do people on here say SCREAMED for dramatic effort when 99.9% of the time they were shouted at?

Did you tell her the plan was for her to be your carer as it sounds like you did!
I’d also be annoyed and fed up with all the drama and stress of the gondola and everything else, and then amazingly when you were winning on the quiz and getting lots of attention from other guests at the evening entertainment all was well!

It's ok op ,ppl who don't suffer with irrational anxiety don't get it .
It's horrible and debilitating and I often feel.horrinly guilty for the impact it has ony family , luckily partner is really supportive .
I think it's something you will get lots of eyeroll from ppl who are fortunate enough not to know .

I'm speaking as someone who also has anxiety and has to make accommodations. Mine is around things like where I sit in theatres/restaurants (must be able to get out quickly and unobtrusively) and heights.
I have to tell everyone who suggests something so they can decide if that feels like something they can put up with.
Sorry about the age error. It does make her behaviour more unacceptable.

So you are allowed your anxieties but she isn’t allowed to lose her temper?
She shouldn’t have shouted at you, but it sounds like she was keeping everything in (she had to as your anxieties were centre stage) and then she eventually lost it.
Skiing for a beginner is really stressful.
Add in sleep deprivation and I can see why she exploded.

Skiing can be a tiring and stressful holiday as it is - how in your issues and her lack of sleep and it’s not shocking that cracks started to appear.

I agree. I’m really old and have been skiing for over 60 (sixty!!) years. And still, getting up at the crack of dawn, when it’s grey and really, REALLY cold, to walk to a bus stop in your ski boots, carrying your skis, taking a crowded bus, queuing for the gondola or cable car, being carried up the mountain for 15 minutes or so in the (squashed) company of strangers….. I sometimes wonder why am I doing this.

And when you finally get to the slopes it’s still grey and cold, and you’ve got a lesson booked and you’re cold, and maybe you just don’t find skiing as easy as when you looked at a few YouTube beginners tutorials…..

The difference is that, if you are a competent skier, you know it’s all worth it, and you’ll be awarded for all your efforts and hardships with a fabulous day’s skiing.

Whereas a novice will face a day of struggles, falling over, struggling to get up, getting wet and feeling cold and miserable, with only the thought of apres-ski and a mug of Gluhwein - or stronger - keeping you going.

I bloody love skiing though!!

So only the niece had unacceptable behaviour?
I think it’s bizarre the “I’m going to act like this, and you have to put and accommodate me with out question, absolutely no accommodation will be given to you”.

@5128gap I did give her the full insight - she does know I have anxiety. If i'm not in enclosed spaces I am quite a confident person who can talk to anyone. Even when feeling shit with anxiety - I can manage lots of situations, just not confined spaces very well. I don't know why people keep saying you were fine at other times - yes because I'm not in a confined space.

If I were on a ski resort and I was sharing a room with someone who was getting up to open the window during the night I would be livid as well.

You seem to absolutely fail to take any criticism or responsibility here. No matter how many people push back and say actually, this wasn’t a fun situation for your niece and she was justified to be frustrated. You just keep saying well she can cope with her mum’s snoring.

Someone shuffling about intermittently can be more disturbing than a constant drone of snoring. Also it can be easier and more comfortable with your own mother. Just as your DS was fine with your disturbances.

Just because you can’t help your phobias and anxieties doesn’t mean they aren’t stressful and tiring for others to deal with. Taking some responsibility for making life hard for other people isn’t that difficult. It shouldn’t dent your ego.

It don’t mean you’ve intentionally been an asshole, it just means that you were causing difficulties and stress for her and she snapped.

Reading all your navel gazing updates, it is very clear that for your niece, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. She has spent years being used as some kind of emotional support animal while you thought you had a special relationship that was oh so much better than the one with her own mum. And how YOU wanted to give an adult woman experiences etc. You don't ask a supposedly much loved aunt never to get in touch again after a couple of bad nights sleep. This goes back way further. Stop using others as a crutch and take responsibility for yourself.

You don’t sound in anyway comfortable enough in each other’s company to endure a holiday together.

And I get that, I couldn’t just go on holiday with any old family member and relax and enjoy it, but I recognise that.

Quite the opposite. I suffer from considerable physical and mental health difficulties (was awarded PIP with no question).

It’s because of this that I consider activities and holidays carefully and only plan things I know will be in my capabilities, maybe just needing passenger assistance at the airport etc.

My husband goes on more active holidays without me and my friends know suggesting a 5 mile walk isn’t the way to socialise with me, so we meet in cafes etc.

I also mask incredibly in front of my children and they (rightly) have no idea about how bad I am.

What I don’t do is make it the centre of mine and everyone around me’s life. That would be so selfish and boring.

@JudyMoncada ha ha absolute bullshit - she is in no way my support - absolutely I have been there for her throughout her childhood and early adult hood. This holiday didn't work out that's all. But you just completely make up a scenario which couldn't be further from the truth. Nasty.

Totally agree, how can you talk while screaming?

Op, don't underestimate the effect your niece's lack of sleep had. I shared a twin room with a cousin once, who is a snorer and had an all night cough. I didn't say anything, but by the 3rd day I was going crazy.

Sorry you had a tough time, OP. I went travelling with someone who seemed fine, but was a nightmare when we were away and by then you can't get out of it - you never really know what someone's like until you are in close quarters with them in a strange place! I think you are very brave to go away with anxiety but should also accept that it's going to make things difficult for your companion too and I guess the age difference comes into it somewhat!
I also hope she manages to cope with the stresses of being a teacher if she screams at people for moving around in bed! Good luck with your anxiety, which is so common in menopause, and I hope you have lots of great holidays to come!

Couldn't say it better.

You're simply not a good holiday match.

Too much. That's just your imagination speaking.

I did not constantly harp on about my worries and she was fully aware beforehand that I was claustrophobic.
You were “upfront” about your menopausal anxiety and claustrophobia before the trip, you mentioned your anxiety on the way to the airport, and you arranged for your niece to sit separately from you on the plane in case you felt anxious. You made your anxiety a huge focus of this trip before you’d even left.

You asked staff if you could have your own gondola because of your claustrophobia, talked to strangers about your anxiety, then panicked so much that you had to be reassured by two sets of strangers, while simultaneously grabbing your niece’s hand for additional support. This is all very dramatic and attention-seeking and I’m not surprised she looked pissed off.

You then got off a bus and left her to travel alone, AGAIN, because of your claustrophobia. Your niece might have been feeling anxious herself; skiing for the first time, realising she wasn’t good at it and not really enjoying the experience…while having to deal with her aunt banging on about how anxious she was, asking for unreasonable preferential treatment from staff, and wanting constant support from anybody who would listen. Would you have even noticed if she was feeling anxious, or were you focused only on your own struggles and what you needed?

You realise lots of other people have anxiety and phobias, but manage them quietly without trying to draw attention to themselves? You’re not massively unique and misunderstood, it’s highly likely some of the people you were making a scene in front of had experienced the exact same issues, and at least one person will have thought you were being dramatic. As somebody who has dealt with a significant anxiety disorder and has claustrophobia myself, if I’d heard you ask for your own gondola I would have rolled my eyes, thought you had an embarrassing case of main character syndrome, and cringed on your behalf.

Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.
Tossing and turning and opening windows at 4am probably left her sleep deprived and low on patience, but I don’t believe you genuinely think this was her only issue with the holiday.

I recently had to share blow-up-beds in a room with both my sons.

normally, I'll happily share a bed or a room with either or both of them, but any movement on the airbed was so noisy, and my eldest just wouldn't stay still that I was near to strangling them (and we went and bought camp beds from decathlon that were so much better for the next trip)

So I absolutely get the end of my tether from lack of sleep thing.

BUT

If it wasn't that I was the responsible adult, I'd have put in ear plugs and it would have been fine. OP's niece should have just done that and it would have all been well.

I'm sure niece knows her aunt, who sounds like a talker, and I get that if you're not that way inclined then you're going to need a break from that, but the way to deal with it is things like going to your room for a bit of peace, and eventually, just saying 'right, I'm going to sleep now) and following through on that, not exploding at someone acting the same way they always act.

Not at all. But people who become anxious in certain situations can't help it. Its not a choice of 'behaving that way'. It's uncontrollable and physical, so you can feel faint, sick, dizzy etc. Therapies can help, but they're not a magic wand.
If you are unfortunate enough to be a person this happens to, I'm saying you should tell other people. For example, if I was discussing going with a friend to Paris, I'd be very clear I'd not be going up the Eiffel Tower. They could then decide whether they'd go up alone or not go to Paris with me.
I think that's perfectly reasonable. And from her updates it seems OP did make her neice aware of the restrictions her anxiety would pose.