Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

Your niece will apologise once she has caught up on sleep.
She was out of order to shout.
She found skiing difficult and couldn't recharge with sleep.

You need to learn silent ways of experiencing your phobias. Make a point of learning to feel Claustrophobic and anxiety ridden without verbalising it to anyone else.
Close your eyes, wear sunglasses, pull down your beanie band etc etc.
Teach yourself to behave like no one can detect your feelings. Pretend you are Queen of a country and want to maintain your privacy with cameras all around. Do not share health matters. Become a better listener.

Honestly I think it sounds like it was death by a thousand paper cuts for her with all the anxiety issues , on off buses and gondolas etc and then sleep deprived on top. I think she could have been kinder to you though but I probably wouldn't travel with anyone outside immediate family again until your anxiety is better.

OP, your posts are all about you and how difficult your anxieties are but you don't seem to have any awareness around how much those anxieties impact other people.

You're happy to talk and talk about your claustrophobia (even to random strangers on the gondola) but you're totally oblivious as to how hard that must be for your niece.

I believe you OP.

I think you were simply a bad ski holiday pairing. You found her negative while she found you annoying. The buses, gondolas and roomshare all created friction.
Some people we care about and love are 'small doses' people for the good of the relationship.

I think even after the first night of you tossing and turning and getting up opening windows I'd have been pissed off. Most people feel awful after a bad night's sleep. Add into this the physically demanding days, another night of no sleep and having to deal with your dramatic shows of anxiety then there's no wonder she lost the plot.

The whole trip seems to have been overtaken by your anxiety. There were many times she was left alone because of this and then other times when she probably bloody wished she had been alone I.e. the performance in the gondola. There doesn't need to be an announcement to strangers every time you go out about your mental health. If you can learn to sit with your anxiety and fears and just surrender to it instead of fighting it this will really help you. It's hard work (ive been there) but once you start this you can learn to control it. The behaviour you're describing just creates more adrenaline = more panic.

I suspect this was a really difficult weekend for her especially given she didn't pick up the skiiing well. It's very telling that you can't even acknowledge this and would rather cut off all contact with someone you were previously very close to. Such an overreaction on your part. You need to apologise to your niece and take some responsibility for your part in this, surely you can see this.

I agree with @Shedeboodinia - skiing is wonderful, but to get to a point where one is competent enough to enjoy it requires quite a lot of effort and commitment. Personally I would always recommend that novices learn to ski in mid-February to March, when the weather is likely to be warmer and the skis blue.

And also choose a resort that is suited to novices rather than one favoured by experts skiers - think Seefeld rather than Kitzbuhel or St Anton, Adelboden rather than Verbier or Zermatt, et cetera.

whilst self obsession is not uncommon on MN, the combination of OPs ability to reflect so deeply on herself and her own issues, without ever once considering her niece is impressive.

@ParmaVioletTea I've already said - things I am doing ie therapy, medication, putting myself out of my comfort zone. As said previously, last time I went - no where near this amount of people, so issues did not crop up as much. I do not expect anyone to pander to me - I like to be an independent as possible. I also am going to yoga and thinking about EMDR.

It sounds like you’re exaggerating somewhat - did she really scream? Or did she just raise her voice? If someone screamed, particularly at night, surely someone came to investigate? But whatever your niece did, I can see why she was thoroughly pissed off with your behaviour.

Well she shouldn't have shouted of course, and given she did she should have apologised.

However you do sound like incredibly hard work, and I guess that plus not sleeping, plus not enjoying ski ing pushed her over the edge . No excuse for no apology, or for not trying the earplugs.

I think you need to rethink the help you're getting for anxiety, and really try and push forward with that actively. It's great you're not letting it stop you do things, but it's very debilitating for you and others. Isn't EMDR more to do with trauma than anxiety?

For heavens sake don't cut her out of your life - that is childish in the extreme. She's also being silly telling you not to contact her again, but that's been said in the heat of the moment. Give it a couple of months and get in touch, as the elder you do need to lead this. Cutting people off because you had a row on holiday is dysfunctional.

So why didnt you utilise those strategies when your niece was present then?

Why all the drama and swapping about when she was there, when on your own you managed it yourself- in your own words you said "I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week".

Compare that non dramatic sentence to your previous paragraphs full of detailed ridiculous drama and hysteria when she was there

I own my own issues.

No, you absolutely do not.

TBH I’m a skier and am not sure why you would book a ski holiday when suffering from anxiety and phobias. Ski lifts and gondolas can be a bit scary without all that going on.
I also think you being a bit unkind to your niece. She probably was taken completely unawares by it all.
I’m on hrt and just reading that made me feel stressed and I’m sitting by pool at the moment before heading to the ski slopes soon.

That sounds like the worst type of holiday you could have picked given your anxieties etc. I am quite similar and the thought of a busy ski resort, buses, loads of people and sharing a room with someone is just a massive nope!

That’s a pretty ignorant view you have. Not everyone wants to overshare about their own mental health. Perhaps she didn’t want to burden you with her problems the way you were happy to burden her?

Eta… many genuine mental health problems in fact are not discussed. That is why suicide is often so unexpected!

Your anxiety sounds exhausting.

It is and honestly I'm a little envious. It must be so nice to go through life only thinking about yourself and using everyone around you as props in your melodrama.

^This

Your opening post was incredibly long and really contained a lot of information that wasn’t needed.

I would seek more help for the anxious feelings that you face if I were you.

“The reason the relationship has come to an end is she said not to contact her again and actually I was happy to agree”

Quite the drip feed from @changezmonnom when the responses aren’t going her way! 🤣🤣

Wow - some of these answers are amazingly harsh - I think if you don't have a phobia - you have no idea how you are going to react in a given situation. Sometimes you can deal with it other times your irrational brain takes over, but I'm glad so many of you can feel smug about not having these problems and making someone feel bad about it.

Chalk it up to experience. You won't be doing that again.

Why are people trying to justify the behaviour of the dickhead niece? She’s nearly 30 and needs to grow up. I’d never dream of treating my aunt like this. Or any person really.

I think you would be harsh to end the relationship with her over this - I also think you've had some harsh responses on this thread.
We've all had the holiday from hell - I would personally never go skiing, I'd hate it. I hate snow (except for v short periods of time), the cold, the wet, heights etc.
She repeatedly said she hated the skiing, it didn't sound like she enjoyed the quiz, maybe you are with people you enjoyed chatting to, but she just wasn't.
Add sleep deprivation, being left on buses etc, into the mix, and she just lost it.
It must have been horrible to have her shouting at you, but maybe she was just knackered and at the end of her tether.
She did the right thing going home - is there a way you can just accept that it was the wrong holiday to share with her, and draw a line under it?

Exactly - it all seems incredibly performative and "me me me".

Stop acting like you're the only person who has ever had anxiety or any kind of phobia - you're not.

You seemed to manage perfectly fine when your niece went home