Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

If she hadn't slept, I expect she just lost it.

A challenging holiday for you both. Have some space and time but it certainly doesn't sound relationship ending, especially when you've been so close!

It's a very identifying thread, I hope it doesn't end up in the Mail!

What a shame to end this relationship over this.

I think there’s more to this story than you have told and that you have both probably behaved badly over it. I say this due to your inability to accept that any of your behaviour may have contributed to this reaction. She’s obviously a student and therefore stressed over her pgce and paying more than £500 for a holiday to ski which she was hating.

The first thing I’d be doing is trying to build bridges.

Lots to unpick.

Trivial, but her mother's snoring is irrelevant. She can sleep through that but not a restless roommate...what of it? I'm sure you sleep through some disturbances and not others. How well we sleep is often nuanced according to circumstance, location, ambient temperature, noise levels, how we are feeling in ourselves. Disturbed sleep isn't exclusive to you.

You say she already knew about your claustrophobia but honestly, she probably didn't expect it to feature so prominently. I'm sympathetic to you but there was rather a lot of faffing around that. Rightly or wrongly, your niece became irritable.

She's learning to ski (stressful) and sharing a room with her aunt, who by all accounts, requires a lot of patience. Not excusing her rude behaviour but the ingredients clearly added up to a boiling pot.

Personally, I think you can both move past this disaster of a holiday and maintain a good relationship. Hope you do.

I don't blame you OP. What a rude ungrateful cow. 28 years old too, hardly a teenage tantrum.

I'm 70. I skipped through most of the OP's post to get to the bit that mattered. Too much detail. The neice was rude and the OP needs to sort herself out. Don't go away together again.

Yes, this is it. The anxiety apparently vanishing once the niece left is somewhat telling.

I agree with PP - the fact she doesn't want you to contact her any more is evidence that there is far more to this story than you are telling us. I would love to hear her version of events.

That sounds like a very stressful holiday for both of you.

i can see this from both perspectives (and i am assuming you are telling us everything).

I am not sure I would want to go on holiday with you - anxiety can be crippling. For people, but it is also very challenging to be around people with anxiety. It sounds like nothing was straightforward on this holiday and your niece had to support you through a lot of challenging situations.

Hopefully some time will cool things down. You clearly should not travel together. Over the years I have taken the decision not to travel with certain friends as it is too stressful. That’s okay - I still get on great with them but we test each others nerves after a few days on holiday!

I did not make my niece my carer - she left 3 days into the holiday and I managed fine if not better by myself. Neither did my anxiety disappear when she left. I found a workaround by going at times the gondola was less busy on my own and getting on crowded bus as I had no choice and learned to deal with it. I don't like being needy and I absolutely tried to be upbeat throughout. She was pretty negative from the get go. If people don't understand phobia's then they have no idea how difficult it is, but I keep trying to do stuff because it's important and I really do try not to impact other people.

Op - I would try to cut each other a bit of slack. It sounds like she was quite sleep deprived by night 3. It's not clear how much your niece had to help to manage your anxiety and what sort of toll that took.
You needing to hold her hand for example might not have been something she anticipated prior to the holiday. To some extent our nervous systems can co-regulate or match each others. In holding her hand you are asking her to help you regulate but please don't underestimate how much she might have picked up on your jitteryness even when you thought you were hiding it well. It will have had an impact on her nervous system eventually, even if neither of you were fully aware of it.

I think it's a bit of a red herring talking about her mother snoring or your son and your husband sharing with you. She may be a much lighter sleeper and used to her mother, or at least aware of what she is letting herself in for when sharing with her. Your son may be a much deeper sleeper, or at least one what you sleeping habits were like and went into sharing with his eyes open.

The sleeping arrangements sound like they became incredibly difficult all round. As well as being out of the usual routine and not having as much down time or privacy as usual.

I think I would give it a week and then send her some chocolates and thank her for being so patient with the anxiety and sleeping arrangements. Tell her how important she has been to you. The ball is then in her court.

You have absolutely zero self awareness. You were attention seeking at every stage and telling everybody who looked at you about your "issues." Poor neice.

On the other hand I - and I assume there are many more like me - was lucky enough to go through the menopause without any of the horrible issues I read about so it's not a given

and getting on crowded bus as I had no choice and learned to deal with it

How did you suddenly "deal with it" a day after your niece left when prior to that you had to keep changing buses? That's not how phobias work. The more you say the more inauthentic all this sounds

OP, let it pass over.
Definitely no further trips.
Avoid her and hopefully it will pass over.
I think she regretted going with you and wanted out.

Would love to hear the other side of this one.

I couldn’t be on holiday with someone whose personality is their anxiety either. And who makes sure everyone is aware.

You need to apologise to her. Yes, she might have been rude and snapped at you, but it’s clear you were being intolerable.

Never ever go away for more than a weekend with people not from your immediate household - always ends in a row!
Skiing seems an odd choice of holiday for someone with your anxieties OP, maybe you’d be better off with something less intense, and leave your niece at home!

‘She was pretty negative from the get go’

you literally started the holiday with drama about where to sit on the plane, because….anxiety 🥴

You and your niece are not compatible travel companions. There is fault and responsibility on both sides. Just out of interest, how do you know that your niece isn’t experiencing mental health issues of her own? Because it sounds to me like she very well might be…

Sympathy for you problems, OP but ... Team Niece, I'm afraid. The hand-holding made me cringe. The obsession with every detail of the experience is weird too.

The bus phobia didn't disappear - I couldn't get back as there were no taxis and I didn't have a number for one, so I got on - feeling absolute dread and chatted to someone nearby and looked out of the window. Doing that helped the next time I did it and I didn't feel so much dread. I then felt anxious about getting on return flight and felt overwhelmed when they said delay on plane for 2 hours but had taken valium and talked myself down and did breathing exercises. It's not an act ffs.

Question - why did you decide to go if every element of it could potentially cause anxiety? That would drive me up the wall - sorry. You need to get your condition sorted before putting this on other people.

Ive said i do understand phobias.
I still think you are in the wrong.
But you refuse to see it.

‘She was pretty negative from the get go’

Of course she was- you started ramping up your "I'm so anxious" lectures on the way to the frigging airport. That's hardly a positive note to start a holiday is it?

🙄

@MimiGC thanks for your insight - I am starting to think that also. But I own my own issues. If she had spoken to me that would have been fine and I would have supported her.

Your neurosis entirely dominated the whole time you spent together, doing perfectly normal things.

What help have you sought for your neurosis? Or do you just expect everyone to pander to your irrational fears?

Of course, a French ski resort will be super crowded - my French family pack up and drive to their winter sports house on Boxing Day and stay for 2 weeks. Lots of French people do this.