Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

I would just step away from this thread if I were you @changezmonnom. Apparently those of us with anxiety should just stop talking about it, stop inconveniencing other people and stay in our houses.

Having a phobia of deep water is much easier to deal with as it doesn't involve every day activities. The range of holidays that is 'safe' for people with claustrophobia will be much smaller. And it sounds like you managed it very well, other than your niece screaming. If a stranger in a gondola told me they had claustrophobia I really wouldn't mind helping them through it.

Yes, this is how I read it too.

Manipulation.

Sound a bit full on, lots of activities, lots of socialising. She sounds not mature enough to be taken on such holidays. You are not reasonable to go at such busy time when you know what you are like.

As to why she screamed at you. a/ she is not mature to handle stress without taking it out on other people b/ she was likely tired from activities and bad sleep c/ possibly she felt she was pressured into doing things she didnt want or how she didnt want and wasnt able to express that.

I suffer from being sensitive to noises and bad sleep because of it but dont take it out on others. One of the reasons I dont ski anymore is all those travel /accomodation issues and busy ski resorts.

@tara66 Yes, during child hood witnessed domestic violence amongst other things, but not sure if that is connected to claustrophobia - who knows.

Gawd how awkward. There isn't really anyone being U accept she shouldn't have shouted at you.

I've been in a position where I shared a room with a friend and my bad sleeping and apparently yelling in my sleep (never do that at home I don't think?) had her absolutely livid. I was mortified but had no control over it. She literally never spoke to me again after sharing for two nights?! Almost like she felt I was doing it on purpose?!

So I can understand how if your being disturbed it's awful, and the disturber is often unaware or unable to fully control what they're doing.

I hope you can make up with her. She should apologize for shouting at you. I guess you plus her plus skiing and sharing just didn't work out. These things happen on holiday sometimes.

I have an issue with this too - when you say you are extroverted perhaps you mean you wanted an audience and to make friends with all these strangers. Not just outgoing, but continually involving whoever was around you in your conversations and your activities. If DN is introverted, or indeed if she just wanted to spend time with you, this could have been incredibly uncomfortable.
Take the gondola ride, you were feeling anxious, you involved two strangers and spoke to them at length.

Again, I remember my DM doing similar and it was cringy for lack of a better word. No matter how nice these people were trying to be, they were trying to enjoy their time. You should have focused on yourself and your DN a little more. Roping in strangers wasn’t necessary and will feel performative. It isn’t necessary. You don’t need a gondola full of people to comfort you.

You seem to be ignoring absolutely anyone calling for any crumb of self reflection regarding this, or just calling them bullies, but many of us have been on both sides of this coin and we still believe you could and should have handled things differently.

@MissDoubleU Ffs talking to people on holiday - who spoke to me first is now wanting an audience? Go away.

Are you taking HRT or anything to help with the anxiety? I had severe anxiety which happened very suddenly and out of no where in later stages of peri menopause and the HRT has definitely made a huge difference.

In the 1970s, 20% of women recieved prescriptions for valium or similar. Anxiety is neither new, nor restricted to people living in war zones. The difference is that now rather than simply handing out narcotics, we are more likely to look for patterns for the onset, menopause having been identified as one. We are also more likely to encourage women to manage symptoms. Unfortunately this has a less dramatic impact than altering brain chemistry with drugs, so breakthrough symptoms occur.

Agree. I’m glad I read this thread as I’ve been struggling with a disability that happened a few months ago. People have mostly been helpful but now it’s obvious it’s not going away I need to stfu about accommodations needed ahead of time as they generally know by now. I thought I was being helpful and initially family would forget or think it had got better so needed reminding when I couldn’t do an activity but I’ve realised I’m now inadvertently making trips all about me before we start and I’m fedup and bored with the restrictions caused by the disability so I imagine everyone else is as well.

Also sleep deprivation is awful especially if you’ve been working hard and were hoping to relax.

So if you accept your behaviour was extreme and needy for something you then managed quite easily without any support - har you apologised to your niece? Or are you still suggesting you should never speak to her again?

Remember, she is the one who struggled so much she had to leave her holiday. You soldiered on and had a great time. I think if you had even a crumb of empathy yourself you would see that your behaviour caused your DN so much anxiety she could not brave face it and enjoy herself. Surely you owe her some of this self reflection and awareness you say you have.

I adore my husband but if I have 3 bad nights sleep in a row due to his snoring, I’m vile. I try to control it but the sleep deprived rage comes out. Sounds like it just didn’t work this time.

There are some things where your anxiety sounds like it would have impacted on the experience too and not much fun for the niece but hard to know without hearing her side.

Okay I will say that you do sound slightly annoying. To most people, they’d probably be rolling their eyes internally and would probably moan about you being a drama llama to their friends when they got home. But most mature people wouldn’t say anything to you or do anything to ruin the holiday.
Your niece sounds like an even bigger drama llama than you and needs to grow up. I have a daughter like this. She huffs and puffs and rolls her eyes and she really doesn’t realise (or care) how immature and bratty she looks. And, as an ex-teacher, I have seen a lot of this personalty type go into teaching, funnily enough!

Your niece seems to have MH issues of her own. She may not be aware of them yet. Things can often escalate while away on holiday.

Not sure why you are getting so many harsh replies.
It must be sad for you after all the years you looked after this niece when she was a child etc. for her to turn out this horrible. Have family members who have the form of screaming and shouting and I think they all have some ND or other issues that they are totally oblivious to.

When you’re banging on about your struggles and needing them to get you through a gondola or bus ride - yes, it is needing an audience.

If you were to say “great day for skiing, think I’m going to enjoy a hot chocolate after this. Maybe a baileys one!” That would be pleasant holiday talk for fellow holiday goers.

Needing multiple people to act as therapist and calm you down from what is not a panic attack, but you feeling anxious ? Performative and exhausting and embarrassing for your DN to watch.

I recently had to share a bed with my mum for a couple of nights at a hen do - she was noisy, snored, faffed about a lot, woke me up in the morning by wandering about the room, and I slept really badly - I was sleep deprived but hell would freeze over before I'd scream at her. Yes it was annoying, maybe you were annoying OP, but screaming at you is totally out of order and so rude. You may need to work on toning down your habits possibly, but that's easier said than done when they come from a place of anxiety, so I know it's not as easy as all that. Your niece on the other hand needs to learn some manners and grow up. She could have spoken to you and had a conversation about it but instead she chose to yell. Rude, stroppy cow. Bollocks to her. You did a nice thing inviting her along after all.

You spent an awful lot of time trying to garner sympathy for yourself in your post, OP. It seems there's a lot that has been left out because your DN'S reaction seems so abrupt.

From what I can see, you irritated her and prevented her from sleeping properly. She was immature in how she handled her frustrations, but equally, you kept doing things to cause her to feel frustrated.

I wouldn't like to go on holiday with someone who makes the entire trip about themselves and their issues. It feels like you wanted all the focus on yourself and you failed to consider your DN and how your needs/issues would impact her.

Next time, go on holiday alone, or book separate rooms. Your health issues are no one else's problem but yours.

All of the above.

OP, people on here can be very intolerant and lacking in compassion over anything like this. I always wonder if they are perfect themselves. Please don't let it get to you.

You both sound like hard work. Ski holidays are not best to test each others patience

It sounds like your medication and therapy is not effective and maybe you should revisit your treatment plan with your doctor and therapist.

Your niece became sleep deprived and was also having to deal with your anxiety and claustrophobia nearly constantly. She snapped.

The two of you aren't compatible in a travel situation.

@Pistolpunk I am taking HRT amongst other things and therapy and will be trying other things. Plus exposing myself to things by myself so as not to impact other people - which I do anyway, but it doesn't always work and menopause seems to have amplified it.

You are reflective enough to say ‘it didn’t work this time’ so can you then make the link to considering ‘my behaviour negatively impacted my niece’ and further to an apology?

@ruethewhirl Thank you!

This is extremely rude and ignorant post.
Anxiety doesnt develop only in extreme situations like war. Can easily depelope in what looks a normal family life on the outside. Shows that you have no understanding of anxiety. Its really sad to read.

@CountFucula No - because she was abusive towards me - shouting and swearing and actually I would worry when that would happen again. Also she asked me not to contact her again, so I will abide by her request.