Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

@SquirrelMadness thank you so much for that!

'Seeking support', isn't just people telling you, 'you were completely right and your niece was horrid.'

It sounds like your behaviour was at fault and your expectations of her very unreasonable. The best 'support' people can give you is to help you to understand that, so it won't happen again.

I hope you have contacted your sister/brother (if not your niece) to apologise to her for how you behaved.

Yes I have. I know you've been on holiday together etc, but don't think she's had to be in a long confined space with you and being new to skiing and not getting it would have made her feel overwhelmed.

Great that you're doing something about it, but people are expressing how they would feel in that situation.

Works both ways but you seem to disagree with those that don't take your side.

Redlocks30 · Today 12:14 "Your thread title is not accurate, is it? She didn't scream at you for turning over-you were tossing and turning throughout all of the nights. It's irrelevant that her mum snores and she's shared a room with her-ear plugs stop noise, they don't act as a magic barrier to being bounced up and down!"

They were in twin beds so how could the niece be being bounced up and down?

Shouting is absolutely not okay, but I think it was probably a combination of issues: the holiday wasn’t going like she expected, you were being a lot more extra than what she anticipated (even if not on purpose), on top of all of this she wasn’t sleeping well and I’m guessing/speculating she has other issues going on in her personal life.

I will say though, I find people flapping about much worse than snoring. DD and I have different sleeping patterns and many times I have cried out of pure exhaustion because I kept being awaken by her faffing about during the night.

It was just poorly planned. I'm someone with anxiety (and by the way you can't just go to the GP, get medication and be magically cured) so I understand but I'm also someone who becomes furious if I'm woken up.

This wasn't the right sort of holiday for you at the moment. Maybe not ever. I would never in a million years share a room with someone....it's a recipe for disaster. Next time, walk through the trip in your mind and plan accordingly.

I do think it's a bit mean people saying that your anxiety drains other people.

Apologies if I misinterpreted the discussion on your DN skiing based on the info you provided but for your DN to snap 10 mins later I don’t think that discussion felt like a fun conversation your DN side.

You obviously were having a good time at the quiz and that’s great but your DN obviously wasn’t if she left after 1/2 hour and that’s fine and not your responsibility but it would be good if you recognised you having a good time isn’t the same as ‘we’ were having fun

Well unfortunately there's just no way we can know without your niece's side of things. She doesn't sound like a nasty person otherwise so it doesn't really add up.

Support for what?

If you want support, maybe book in an extra therapy session.

You said the rest of your holiday was fine. Your frequent behaviours around anxiety and claustrophobia overwhelmed your niece, your night actions caused her sleep deprivation, which is a torture technique because it is so effective at breaking someone down, and she snapped and yelled at you. She was also learning a new sport and you negged her about it.

She was so overwhelmed that she left the holiday. Maybe she needs some support.

Oh, and don't put your phobias and anxiety on strangers. Cringe.

Agreed. I can sleep through DH’s snoring fine. Anyone shuffling around the room or near by is very different. Someone, as a PP said, flopping around like a dying fish all night would have me at my wits end. Someone getting up at 4am to open the window of our shared room would be a battle cry I could not ignore.

Was DN okay with the window being open?? Does she prefer it warmer, as a younger woman? Was she consulted or did she wake up with a chill? Did OP even consider DN’s needs here? She certainly hasn’t mentioned them once.

@GettingBoredNow She was literally killing herself laughing and also taking the piss out of me a bit, so we were both laughing. The fact she turned on me about 10 mins later did literally blindside me. I must have turned in bed and she went off on one. But yes, maybe she has things going on herself. She can be a closed book - even when you ask.

I really don’t think OP considered how DN was feeling at any point of this holiday. She expected DN to centralise her own feelings without really considering the impact any of this was having. If she was overwhelmed or not enjoying it, OP didn’t see to take notice or interest in either so long as she was having fun.

Even without DN’s side of things I think it’s very clear to a lot of us how and why things went so sour.

I'm one of those restless sleepers and it can be just as bad as sleeping with a snorer. If I woke up, I would go sleep on the sofa just because the tossing and turning do wake people up. Right side, no, left side rearrange covers, no, too hot, kick covers off, top cold, pull covers back up, move pillows, argh.

Yeah, very annoying.

yes as general rule people don’t go from being perfectly happy to completely losing their shit in the space of a few minutes.

It sounds to me like an accumulation of:
-niece not enjoying skiing (and I wouldn’t underestimate how emotionally fraught learning to ski can be!)
-gaps between skiing (gondolas, bus etc) being fraught due to OP’s anxiety/claustrophobia) so
-OP being extroverted so continual forced social interaction (chat with random other people at various points through day)
-OP not recognising niece didn’t want an hour of chat just before bedtime when she was tired/drained

Good post.

Your niece sounds a little brattish but you also sound as if you need a little extra help with the anxiety. All in all - you know not to holiday together again.

You never really know someone until you live with them, work with them or go on holiday with them.

Sleeping next to a toast turner is awful earbuds do nothing for the constant movement. I’d face wanted to smother you with a pillow as I crack up with lack of sleep.

@Alwaysalert and the other poster. I work on all of those things and they are all good points, but as I have said - phobias are not rational.

You BOTH sound like you have a flare for the dramatic. She should apologise and so should you equally and move on - put it down to a situation that wasn’t suited and won’t repeat, but you don’t throw a relationship away based on one incident. Plus, I think your sister or SIL would want to throw you away calling her neglectful.

You have banged on about how friendly you are, how no one understands phobias. But you are the hero, you have been a mother to her all her life, you laugh at her being the crap one of the group with the instructor, your children are “thriving” and well rounded individuals, she’s not “sporty” equals the fat, quiet woman who felt out place which you seem to love to highlight, ohhh and you are friendly, friendly, friendly.

You don’t seem someone who will self reflect that both of you are equally to blame. Take some “friendly” advice - it’s time to grow up.

@OneDearFawn You have no idea of what you're talking about - I will not go into her childhood as it's private, but she says it herself, but oh yes somehow from a few posts you know it all. And I have never called her fat or anything else - she is a beautiful girl with a good personality, and I know she can be firey, but I've never been on receiving end.

What @MittensWiggum said

I'm also Team Niece I'm afraid. I wouldn't enjoy a holiday with you and I'm probably your age

Separate rooms would have probably helped, and also day 3 is a notoriously difficult day in a week long skiing holiday.

There was no option for own room - as I've said a number of times, but as we've been away before, I hoped for the best, but lesson learned.

This!

People do behave this way if they are under duress. And that duress may have nothing to do with the Op. Something might have come into the DN’s mind while trying to sleep and she projected it on Op. I recall Op mentioned helping DN through a challenging time. It might be something to do with that.