Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

Hopefully it eases off. I totally agree about menopause amplifying things as bright lights, busy areas and general noise is something I cannot tolerate as well as I did before peri menopause started.

A relief for both of you, I’d imagine. Chalk it up to experience then.

You possibly not have a correct impression how therapy, medication etc. can help people. Its often not as effective as people are led to believe.

You aren't suited to sharing a room with friends/family. All the faffing would drive me nuts.

How convenient of you to not have to apologise or take any responsibility for ruining to trip for DN. Remembering she left and you stayed and had a wonderful time. You clearly weren’t so traumatised by her shouting at you that it put any real dampener on things. Easily and conveniently managing after she has had to put her own needs and comforts aside to appease yours until she snaps.

You could, I guess, contact her DM and offer your apologies that way. Taking responsibility for your part in how things went sour and accepting you pushed DN to her limit. Depriving her of sleep and having her on constant edge. But I don’t see you taking that road, somehow.

I understood that OP explained about how she looked after her niece when she was younger to explain the closeness of their relationship and show that she has had lots of experience sharing time and space together so that it didnt cross her mind there could be a problem on this holiday.

Your thread title is not accurate, is it? She didn't scream at you for turning over-you were tossing and turning throughout all of the nights. It's irrelevant that her mum snores and she's shared a room with her-ear plugs stop noise, they don't act as a magic barrier to being bounced up and down!

It sounds like she's pad £500 to be your carer and emotional support without being told that's wha she signed up for!

When you say you got off the packed bus and told her to go without you, but then got on the packed bus. What happened in between? Is that the same packed bus she was on? Were you making it wait for you? For how long?

If sounds like a holiday like that is not the sort of holiday for you at the moment-maybe some sort of holiday with actual paid for carers would be better. Or leave the holidays for a while.

Could she have been anxious and overwhelmed herself OP? In different ways to you? I can imagine going skiing, not getting it, feeling trapped, disappointed, and mentally and physically exhausted, whilst your travel partner being in need of support themselves, might become overwhelming.
However, it was not appropriate to scream at you and effectively disown you. She's an adult, and like you, needs to learn to manage her own emotions in a way which minimises harm to others.
I wouldn't bw contacting her - let her come to you. If she doesn't, it's her loss long term, given that you've been a solid source of support in her life so far.
Keep pushing yourself OP - you will continue to see your life improve.

Your niece was rude no question. Equally as others have said, your behaviour sounds exhausting.

i also wonder whether your niece thought it would be like going with a parent, where she as the child is the centre of attention and care. Clearly in this case she wasn’t.

I’d love to hear the niece’s account of this because I suspect it would be very different. I do not believe that someone you hitherto had a good relationship with suddenly just started screaming and swearing and told you never to contact her again simply because you tossed and turned a bit in the night. It’s clearly a case of the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Aside from all your anxiety and panicking, the sheer level of extraneous detail in your post honestly made me feel irritated in itself, which makes me wonder whether you come across like that in real life.

You're just not natural travel buddies. An 18yo going on a 1:1 holiday with her 50s aunt isn't a natural pairing for success.

All sorts of things at play:

• She thought she'd be a natural at skiing (probably picturing Ski Sunday in her hear), and it turned out she was hopeless. A bit of a dent to her delicate 18yo pride, and then embarrassment.
• Your anxiety being such a main character. Oh, I'll be anxious on the plane - Oh no actually I'm fine. Oh, I'll be anxious on the bus I better get off - only to get back on again. Oh, I'm anxious on this skilift, let me tell everyone, including all these strangers - Oh, actually I'm fine.

As for the night time... Just lie still if you can't sleep? All the flapping around like a dying fish would be annoying I'm sure.

I might have seen it that way, except that it doesn't seem to have been that close if she's now completely happy to let it die over a bad experience on holiday and has no interest in seeing if they can patch it up now everyone's had a chance to calm down. She doesn't seem remotely upset or anxious over that. Her only concern seems to be confirming herself as totally blameless, and pretending that all she did to annoy the niece was to move in bed.

No, don’t try to justify your antisocial and ignorant behaviour.

You trauma dumped on these strangers without any permission or any consideration of what their emotional capacity was in that moment.

You have no idea what they were personally carrying but you didn’t care.

What are you doing about it?
People are more understanding when you try to help yourself.

Seems niece didn't realise how bad OP's anxiety is and isn't used to coping with it.
If imagine immediate family would be more accommodating.

@BauhausOfEliott Well actually - we were on holiday - a few months ago - me doing the driving to Wales - no issues (not sharing a room) as I've said has phoned me many times if there's a crisis.

I do not need a carer - I just need people to be understanding in confined spaces - which most people are. I do avoid very packed places most of the time.

@Redlocks30 I got off the packed bus and waited half an hour for the next one. Asked about taxis in a bar - they said very hard to get, so forced myself on next bus at the front and looked out of window - deep breathing. I think it was one of the last and I didn't want to walk down dark lane on my own. Is that ok? Also spoke to nice person next to me.

I’m interested in this section

”Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that.”

There’s unnecessary detail about how good OP was at the quiz, followed up by a very long discussion (an hr 😳) between OP and niece about how useless niece was at skiing where niece dutifully laughs along, probably to be polite. I think this might provide some clues about the dynamics of the relationship.

This is what speaks volumes. Very happy for the relationship to die so long as OP is seen as the victim. Zero consideration for DN on the holiday and zero interest or remorse in the end of their relationship now. Speaks of it transactional (ie, I looked after her when she was a child) and can wash her hands of her now she has done one thing wrong.

Tbh you sound a nightmare to go with from the very start anyway so that started it off lol

@Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease I know you were talking to another poster, but have you read some of the replies I have received? Yes, there are some really nice, supportive ones, but others are not understanding at all and I am seeking support.

Okay, so in the moment you can't help yourself, it's an irrational phobia - but did you apologise for your behaviour once you felt calmer? Or do you just think that it can't be helped so you don't need to?

@GettingBoredNow I did not criticise my niece's skiing - she was talking about it saying she hated it - you've misinterpreted it. We were laughing about the instructor chasing her more than anything so you've got that wrong. And also the quiz - just that I thought we were having fun.

Honestly OP, you've peed me off just reading it.
You took her with you as your carer but didnt inform her of it. Thats unfair and you cant blame her for losing it

Sometimes support comes in the form of uncomfortably confronting the parts you did wrong. Sometimes support looks like real self reflection. This is how you understand why your DN “suddenly out of the blue” snapped, and you can begin to get a clearer picture. Not engaging with both sides of the coin isn’t real support.

You are instead looking for people to hear your story and tell you what you want to hear. This is likely why you trauma dump or unsuspecting strangers. They are going to give you blind comfort and not pry or challenge you. They are going to be nice and friendly and say the right things, because they are trying to have a nice time.

However, it’s an unfair, unkind and selfish thing for you to do. Your DN likely felt very uncomfortable watching this and subsequently being a part of it. This is something you should take responsibility for.

I've just gone back and re-read the original first post. From what I can see, the behaviour other posters are saying it's extreme and performative includes:

• suggesting the niece sits separately on the plane so that she doesn't have to worry about OP's anxiety (surely that's the opposite of asking OP to be a carer??)
• telling strangers in the gondola that she has claustrophobia (I've no idea why that's a problem)
• getting off a crowded bus, telling niece to go ahead (surely less performative than asking niece to get off with her?)

What have I missed? What is it that people think is so terrible?

Stop telling the OP to accept that she is extreme and annoying. It's nasty and it's also unreasonable imo.

@shesaysshestiredoflifeshemustbetiredofsomething I did say to DN that I would find a work around and yes I apologised, and tried to make up by doing things she wanted to like going shopping on the Wednesday. Asked her if she preferred to do that and she said yes.