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Original poster

Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

445 replies

jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 08:09

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/01/2026 10:50

I hope that the remainder of the week where you stayed and made friends is empowering for you and shows you how resilient and capable you are.
You spent the first part being anxious and it was tricky for everyone, and noone was sleeping well. When your neice left, you actually shone and had a good time. Noone was rolling their eyes at you anymore.
If there's anything that makes my anxiety worse, it's being in front of people that don't get it. It makes me spiral. You didn't even have space from each other.
Imo it was never going to work. She had about as much reservation about having a go at you as a teenager would have to their mum.

I think you should do more solo stuff to get your confidence up.

When I was younger, my best friend dumped me at a festival and went home. I, devastated, decided to stay and try and make the best of it.
It was life changing actually. So liberating to only have to do the things you want to do and not have to look after anyone else's feelings or interests.

RampantIvy · 04/01/2026 10:51

jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 10:24

@vanillalattes as I said - I found a work around after a few days - I have learned a lesson - only to travel with people who know me extremely well or maybe by myself if brave enough. Either way, I want to travel, but I will find my own workarounds and never go with someone like that again as you've said it's not fair on them. But I really did try my hardest not to impact her, but obvs didn't work.

Or maybe choose a holiday where you don't find yourself in claustrophobic situations like crowded gondolas, buses, planes etc?

There is always a chance of a flight being delayed and being stuck on a plane, unfortunately.

vanillalattes · 04/01/2026 10:51

liamharha · 04/01/2026 10:39

It's ok op ,ppl who don't suffer with irrational anxiety don't get it .
It's horrible and debilitating and I often feel.horrinly guilty for the impact it has ony family , luckily partner is really supportive .
I think it's something you will get lots of eyeroll from ppl who are fortunate enough not to know .

Show quote history

I have diagnosed anxiety myself so I totally understand how awful it is. But it would never occur to me to offload my issues onto random strangers or to talk about it constantly either.

Anonanonay · 04/01/2026 10:52

Namechange568899542 · 04/01/2026 08:37

She’s unreasonable. Sharing a room was part and parcel with having a heavily subsidised holiday. Other people’s sleeping habits when away can be frustrating, like when you discover your mate snores or gets up 10 times a night for a wee or whatever but it’s one of those things you just get on with, and possibly just bear in mind for future trips and plan accordingly.

Presumably she could’ve put her hand in her pocket and gone and paid for her own room if it was so problematic. Screaming at someone about something they can’t help doing is wrong.

This.

Silverfoxette · 04/01/2026 10:52

starlightescape · 04/01/2026 08:44

Your niece was very rude and shouldn't have screamed at you.

However, just reading this made me bristle with irritation because it sounds like you required so much support to do even simple things. Dont get me wrong - I am in peri menopause and have also experienced anxiety so am not unsympathetic but if your niece wasn't aware at just how needy you would be on this holiday then I get why the situation built up like a pressure cooker.

I dont think it's fair to expect your travel companion to have to cater to your anxiety to this extent. Sorry, it's just too much. What are you doing to address it?

I would agree.

but also, it’s tough sharing rooms for both parties if you’re not used to each other. I was away on a group trip last year with people I didn’t know and had to share with a lady who talked in her sleep non stop all night every night. She said she had a great week! I would never share with someone I don’t know again.

Original poster
jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 10:53

@Branleuse Thank you so much for your post. You get it. Exactly, if people have little empathy - it does sometimes get worse. I have to say - most people are absolutely lovely in these scenarios and have helped me greatly and as you know - nobody wants to do this - I hate being like this. Thanks again for your really thoughtful post. :)

OP posts:
Woody18 · 04/01/2026 10:54

Why on earth did you go on a ski holiday??!! Knowing you have claustrophobia and that the only way up a mountain is in a tiny enclosed no way out gondola???!!! You were absolutely asking for disaster and as for asking your niece to hold your hand and expecting strangers to calm you down, this is utterly ridiculous! I absolutely understand anxiety and phobias but I would be fuming at you for being such an attention seeker...
No wonder your son "couldn't get the time off work"...

DrBlackbird · 04/01/2026 10:54

jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 10:19

Wow - some of these answers are amazingly harsh - I think if you don't have a phobia - you have no idea how you are going to react in a given situation. Sometimes you can deal with it other times your irrational brain takes over, but I'm glad so many of you can feel smug about not having these problems and making someone feel bad about it.

If you’d had turned on the vote, the vast majority would’ve agreed that you were not being unreasonable. Those making the comments include a lot of posters who love to criticise. Just ignore them and listen to the more measured responses.

Re your niece’s response - and I know it’s become the answer for everything and it’s not an excuse - is she ND? Screaming is just not a normal response to being irritated.

Anyhow, YANBU.

Original poster
jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 10:58

@Woody18 Actually - my son has been on ski holiday with me before and said it was his best holiday:) - also there were gondolas there - but they weren't packed with people or packed buses. And what - I should stay at home and not do anything? Ok.
I'm not an attention seeker and no you have no idea about phobias hth

OP posts:
JudyMoncada · 04/01/2026 10:58

pictoosh · 04/01/2026 10:47

Too much. That's just your imagination speaking.

Show quote history

No it isn't. Go back and read her post about it, posted at 9.38.

MissDoubleU · 04/01/2026 10:59

FourLeggedPenguin · 04/01/2026 10:47

I did not constantly harp on about my worries and she was fully aware beforehand that I was claustrophobic.
You were “upfront” about your menopausal anxiety and claustrophobia before the trip, you mentioned your anxiety on the way to the airport, and you arranged for your niece to sit separately from you on the plane in case you felt anxious. You made your anxiety a huge focus of this trip before you’d even left.

You asked staff if you could have your own gondola because of your claustrophobia, talked to strangers about your anxiety, then panicked so much that you had to be reassured by two sets of strangers, while simultaneously grabbing your niece’s hand for additional support. This is all very dramatic and attention-seeking and I’m not surprised she looked pissed off.

You then got off a bus and left her to travel alone, AGAIN, because of your claustrophobia. Your niece might have been feeling anxious herself; skiing for the first time, realising she wasn’t good at it and not really enjoying the experience…while having to deal with her aunt banging on about how anxious she was, asking for unreasonable preferential treatment from staff, and wanting constant support from anybody who would listen. Would you have even noticed if she was feeling anxious, or were you focused only on your own struggles and what you needed?

You realise lots of other people have anxiety and phobias, but manage them quietly without trying to draw attention to themselves? You’re not massively unique and misunderstood, it’s highly likely some of the people you were making a scene in front of had experienced the exact same issues, and at least one person will have thought you were being dramatic. As somebody who has dealt with a significant anxiety disorder and has claustrophobia myself, if I’d heard you ask for your own gondola I would have rolled my eyes, thought you had an embarrassing case of main character syndrome, and cringed on your behalf.

Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.
Tossing and turning and opening windows at 4am probably left her sleep deprived and low on patience, but I don’t believe you genuinely think this was her only issue with the holiday.

Exactly all of this. Sorry OP but you need to reflect on your behaviour and understand how exhausting it would actually be.

Also for those saying ear plugs - I might find them useful for snoring but someone getting up out of bed or even shuffling around a lot is a completely different kind of disturbance. It’s less about the noise itself, you wake up more to assess the situation when someone is moving around the room. You can’t even relax.

MittensWiggum · 04/01/2026 11:00

This was you being unreasonable

niece expected a fun ski holiday - not so be your emotional support dog

  • complaining about plane and anxiety
  • complaining about a resort being too busy
  • pulling strangers in to get sympathy instead of self regulating your emotions
  • requesting unreasonable adjustments because of your anxiety during a busy peak period - ski resorts are known busy places
  • Acting fine one minute and then as if you need everyone to know your entire life story the next - it unsettles others as you are completely unpredictable
  • sleep deprivation is torture - your issue with the heat you made into an issue for your niece instead of quietly leaving the room, getting a cold drink, sitting in the bathroom to cool down eg anything not to disturb her but no you were choosing to be dramatic and flinging windows open, and if you’re like any of the other people I know who do this ‘expanding out for sympathy’ making a racket and huffing, puffing and sighing to get attention by waking her up to complain to her
  • when she finally highlights that you are being a nightmare because she’s exhausted and frustrated - she tried to get away from you several times to help regulate her emotions - and to set her boundaries you tell her the equivalent of ‘calm down’ and to use ear plugs!

id have left too - I’m 40 and have a colleague in her 50s who is an emotional vampire and it all has to be about her too. I’d wager your son probably knew what it was gonna be like and chose not to go.

  • get therapy to help self regulate your emotions and anxiety
  • buy a cat to be your companion
  • don’t travel until you have resolved your issues
  • apologise to your niece because she couldn’t have a good time because you were struggling to regulate your emotions and now you see her side of it too- or you will lose your family. They KNOW you have anxiety because I’m sure you’ve prattled on about it too.

i also have anxiety but have not forced it on others to accommodate me or needed to announce it, but to reiterate I do know from personal experience how it feels and also how it’s on you as an adult to regulate your emotions and not on others.

Original poster
jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 11:02

@JudyMoncada You don't come across as an empathetic person at all and you sound like you get a kick out of someone who may have a vulnerabilty - nice person.😀

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2026 11:02

jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 10:29

@Bellyblueboy I have briefly spoken to her Mum who said - just one of those things and would have been better to have separate rooms. Although as detailed earlier - was not possible or I would have done it. Just never thought it was an issue as have been on holiday before a lot of times.

I think this will blow over then. Carry on as before with her parents and siblings, give her a bit of space.

Faults on both sides.

these things only become entrenched when people refused to give any ground. You both made mistakes and you were both challenging to be on holiday with.

i assume you will bump into her at family stuff and it seems unlikely this will lead to a life long estrangement.

StickyProblem · 04/01/2026 11:03

I sometimes travel by taxi and train with a relative who has anxiety and she is something like you sound. It's hard work and very wearing.
She loves to chat to strangers and announce "I do struggle with anxiety but I'm hoping I won't have a panic attack" and get their attention. She's had lovely chats with all sorts of people.
Then it always ends with "Well I was worried about that but actually it was fine!!" In other words, neither I nor the innocent strangers needed to be on edge for this whole journey...
I agree with posters that this is a matter of holiday incompatibility and hopefully when this blows over you and your niece can be friendly again. You had a great time ultimately so perhaps consider keeping some of your struggles to yourself instead of narrating them to all around you. Yousohd extremely competent and independent.

usedtobeaylis · 04/01/2026 11:04

OP you have done nothing wrong, it just didn't work out. She was likely tired and reached the end of her tether. She shouldn't have screamed but we all know what it feels like when you just want to sleep and someone or something is preventing that.

I'm sorry you've had such a lack of empathy around your anxiety and claustrophobia. I'm glad you went on to enjoy the holiday and manage it as best you could. You done well to work out strategies and you absolutely don't need to limit the kind of holidays you have just because you need to use those strategies. I've not read a negative comment on this thread yet that was actually on any way helpful for you, they're basically just piling on you and telling you what you should and shouldn't do. I'd just disregard them.

StickyProblem · 04/01/2026 11:04

*You sound extremely competent and independent!

treetherapy · 04/01/2026 11:04

MittensWiggum · 04/01/2026 11:00

This was you being unreasonable

niece expected a fun ski holiday - not so be your emotional support dog

  • complaining about plane and anxiety
  • complaining about a resort being too busy
  • pulling strangers in to get sympathy instead of self regulating your emotions
  • requesting unreasonable adjustments because of your anxiety during a busy peak period - ski resorts are known busy places
  • Acting fine one minute and then as if you need everyone to know your entire life story the next - it unsettles others as you are completely unpredictable
  • sleep deprivation is torture - your issue with the heat you made into an issue for your niece instead of quietly leaving the room, getting a cold drink, sitting in the bathroom to cool down eg anything not to disturb her but no you were choosing to be dramatic and flinging windows open, and if you’re like any of the other people I know who do this ‘expanding out for sympathy’ making a racket and huffing, puffing and sighing to get attention by waking her up to complain to her
  • when she finally highlights that you are being a nightmare because she’s exhausted and frustrated - she tried to get away from you several times to help regulate her emotions - and to set her boundaries you tell her the equivalent of ‘calm down’ and to use ear plugs!

id have left too - I’m 40 and have a colleague in her 50s who is an emotional vampire and it all has to be about her too. I’d wager your son probably knew what it was gonna be like and chose not to go.

  • get therapy to help self regulate your emotions and anxiety
  • buy a cat to be your companion
  • don’t travel until you have resolved your issues
  • apologise to your niece because she couldn’t have a good time because you were struggling to regulate your emotions and now you see her side of it too- or you will lose your family. They KNOW you have anxiety because I’m sure you’ve prattled on about it too.

i also have anxiety but have not forced it on others to accommodate me or needed to announce it, but to reiterate I do know from personal experience how it feels and also how it’s on you as an adult to regulate your emotions and not on others.

Excellent post - I totally agree

landslide51 · 04/01/2026 11:04

I think your niece's mum is right, it's just one of those things.

It doesn't sound like she really enjoyed skiing, it was difficult for you both to be sleeping in the same room and not sleeping well can really reduce your tolerance levels.

I would just put this behind you and not overthink it too much OP. It doesn't have to be some dramatic end to your relationship with your niece, you just know not to go on holiday together or share a room again.

pictoosh · 04/01/2026 11:04

I also love going away by myself. There is a lot to be said for pleasing and suiting yourself...it's cathartic. I'm an anxiety puss and the removal of companions' external pressures is a great relief. I enjoy the pace and itinerary far more when it's solely dictated by me.
I usually go camping but this year I'll also be using a basic little camper van...a 50th birthday present to myself back in September.

Think you'd benefit from more solo adventures OP. Think we all could.

Original poster
jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 11:05

@usedtobeaylis Thank you so much :)

OP posts:
GCSEmum2025 · 04/01/2026 11:05

It’s a shame that you have essentially written off a 28 year relationship because of a falling out on a trip. Be the bigger person and reach out to her. Do you really want to lose her from your life?

OrangeSlices998 · 04/01/2026 11:06

People on this thread are being awful. I hope none of you are ever scared of things!

OP don’t take their bullying to heart, MN is a place where people get twitchy if their doorbell rings or an unexpected friend knocks on the door!

treetherapy · 04/01/2026 11:06

jeregretterien77 · 04/01/2026 11:05

@usedtobeaylis Thank you so much :)

I am curious why you asked AIBU if you only want to accept answers that tell you no. Most answers are saying YABU but you seem very combative of those.

Not sure why you asked in the first place if you are so sure

usedtobeaylis · 04/01/2026 11:07

MittensWiggum · 04/01/2026 11:00

This was you being unreasonable

niece expected a fun ski holiday - not so be your emotional support dog

  • complaining about plane and anxiety
  • complaining about a resort being too busy
  • pulling strangers in to get sympathy instead of self regulating your emotions
  • requesting unreasonable adjustments because of your anxiety during a busy peak period - ski resorts are known busy places
  • Acting fine one minute and then as if you need everyone to know your entire life story the next - it unsettles others as you are completely unpredictable
  • sleep deprivation is torture - your issue with the heat you made into an issue for your niece instead of quietly leaving the room, getting a cold drink, sitting in the bathroom to cool down eg anything not to disturb her but no you were choosing to be dramatic and flinging windows open, and if you’re like any of the other people I know who do this ‘expanding out for sympathy’ making a racket and huffing, puffing and sighing to get attention by waking her up to complain to her
  • when she finally highlights that you are being a nightmare because she’s exhausted and frustrated - she tried to get away from you several times to help regulate her emotions - and to set her boundaries you tell her the equivalent of ‘calm down’ and to use ear plugs!

id have left too - I’m 40 and have a colleague in her 50s who is an emotional vampire and it all has to be about her too. I’d wager your son probably knew what it was gonna be like and chose not to go.

  • get therapy to help self regulate your emotions and anxiety
  • buy a cat to be your companion
  • don’t travel until you have resolved your issues
  • apologise to your niece because she couldn’t have a good time because you were struggling to regulate your emotions and now you see her side of it too- or you will lose your family. They KNOW you have anxiety because I’m sure you’ve prattled on about it too.

i also have anxiety but have not forced it on others to accommodate me or needed to announce it, but to reiterate I do know from personal experience how it feels and also how it’s on you as an adult to regulate your emotions and not on others.

I also have anxiety but seem to be about ten steps ahead of you in realising that everyone experiences it and deals with it differently. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for everyone else and some people spending lifetime trying. There's absolutely no real for the OP to stop travelling and what is an unreasonable ask to you personally may not be to someone else.