Niece screamed at me for turning over in bed.

[jeregretterien77]

Hi
So I have just returned from a ski holiday with my adult niece. When I booked originally, my 19 year old son was meant to be going, but his job would not let him take time off over Christmas (retail). My niece had expressed that she would really like to try skiing, so I asked her if she wanted to come along. It was a really good deal for skiing as French (hostel type) food included, so I paid an extra 25% and she paid around £500 plus her own flights. This included ski lessons, equipment, transfer from airport, ski pass and food and accommodation.

Now I have struggled with menopausal anxiety and I am claustrophobic which has got worse with menopause, but I was upfront about this. Flying makes me anxious now and confined spaces. On way to airport I mentioned I was anxious, but said I'd be fine. Got on flight was fine. Niece was sat elsewhere as I said she could relax in case I felt anxious. I was abso fine in the end and just spoke to her and offered her a sandwich all good.

Got to accommodation, food good. Had a drink went to bed. Woke up as very hot in room about 4 and eventually opened window then bit of tossing and turning around (we shared a room twin beds) went back to sleep. Niece said I moved around a bit. I offered her new pack of ear buds for next night she refused.

All good, but ski resort was much busier than usual due to not a lot of snow and people heading to where we were, therefore buses and gondola all busy, so not great for me. We had ski lesson and I stayed in her beginner lesson to give her support, then did little bit of skiing just past basic myself.

On gondola I asked staff if I could go just with my niece due to claustrophobia, but he said was too busy, we then got on with 2 others and I felt anxious, so just talking to French lady next to me saying I was claustrophobic just in case she thought I was acting weird. The gondola then stopped midway and I panicked a little and tried to change seats. The French lady was lovely and spoke to me and a young English guy which made me feel much better. I held my niece's hand and she just looked pissed off. Absolutely packed bus on way back so I got off and told her I would meet her back at centre. Eventually had to get on packed bus and coped ok. Then had meal, chatted to other people and joined evening entertainment she said she enjoyed it. Went to bed, middle of night she complains that I am moving around (bear in mind when we have been on holiday before she has slept in same BED as her mother who snores like a buffalo) and there is no way that I could have been making anywhere near the noise that she does. My niece, I was aware was also moving around a lot, so I just thought well that's sharing rooms. She went to lesson next morning and we met up for lunch had nice time, spoke to lots of friendly, adventurous people, she said to each one that she hated skiing.

That evening I suggested we explore town, go out for drink to lovely little chalet bar had a lovely chat, she complimented me on my French. We talked about her learning Spanish etc all good. Went back for food, joined quiz with other people, mostly families, but girl her age, she spoke with. Music quiz which for some reason I had a lot of answers for. She suddenly decides she's leaving to go to the room after half an hour. No problem, I stay and chat and quiz with people we are with. Went to room, we laughed and joked for about an hour about her ski lesson and she said the instructor had had to keep rescuing her and I joked they were in a love/hate relationship and we both laughed for a good while continuing this story. Around 10 minutes after this, we settled to go to sleep and she suddenly got up and screamed at me that I'd been keeping her awake for 2 nights and she'd had enough of it and how dare I do that. I was so shocked I just froze in bed and didn't say anything. She then went out slammed the door and went downstairs. 10 minutes later she came back and I ignored her and said that she should put on white noise or use ear buds she then shouted at me again and I said that it was unreasonable as other people are trying to sleep and I didn't understand why she was shouting at me. She then said she was leaving the next day. Which she did and I stayed and made friends and had a good time for the rest of the week.

So If you've stuck with this well done! Was I being unreasonable? Any idea where this came from because I was completely blindsided.

OP don’t take their bullying to heart, MN is a place where people get twitchy if their doorbell rings or an unexpected friend knocks on the door!

Er....anxiety maybe? which is the exact topic the OP is talking about 🤣

The other thing to remember is that anxiety is a MH disability, considered so by the government.

I have a specific, physical disability that prevents certain activities and I know that the world is not largely accommodating to disability generally and that a lot of people dismiss it / ignore it / don't care.

Some people are more difficult to deal with than others. Some people have more issues than others. That's life. Telling people to basically minimise and invisiblise themselves is poor form. Poor poor form.

@treetherapy I agree that I have made it difficult in parts for my niece and obvs that was not my intention at all, but I don't think (as others have backed me up) that people realise about phobias. And we don't all find it easy to contain ourselves in those moments. I am getting told that I am stupid for going to a ski resort etc and there's just no need. I obvs wanted my niece to have a good time.

Being around someone with anxiety is exhausting so she was probably feeling that as well as not enjoying the skiing/having to share a room). although yes, she was rude and should’ve explained it all in a less shitty manner.

Der try and get some help for your anxiety issues though.

Yes totally agree with this. Have had to deal with my mother and her ‘anxiety’ all our lives which she refuses to do anything about but uses it to control everyone else. Everyone else is expected to modify their behaviour to accommodate her anxiety. It always smacks of attention seeking too trying to make out she’s ‘special’ in some way. It’s exhausting and people now avoid spending any time with her and she wonders why.

Some people have a real opposition to others asking for accommodations for any reason. Ultimately if you don't ask you don't get - and in the case of disability often when you do ask you still don't get. Very few people are out there being understanding and accommodating off their own back.

My mum was like this and it was so exhausting and grating. Everyone needed pulled in to comfort and be on stand by. What she didn’t realise, and what OP fails to realise, is she is making those around her anxious. She’s passing it off to them instead of self regulating.

Yes it’s fine to be upfront about your MH. If you were having an actual panic attack then the strangers knowing and understanding is one thing. Expecting everyone to hear your life story and to be the focus of the entire gondola ride is unreasonable. This is that strangers holiday, they don’t want to hear about your difficulties, however nice they are being about it.

I found as the observer in this situation for years that the majority of these very lovely people were pandering and usually exhausted themselves by the end of it. They would even try and look away or interact with their own family to draw themselves out of it and my DM never noticed their growing discomfort or attempts to disengage.

If I reacted like your niece my DM would be equally blindsided because she, as the main character, had issues and everyone was being lovely to her.

I myself am autistic and have diagnosed complex PTSD. This can mean I have full blown panic attacks in an array of situations, including holidays. What I don’t do is interrupt strangers jollies to tell them my diagnosis and have them hold my hand. I find ways to self regulate and seek help when needed - not make a big show and dance about how I might have an issue or a panic and everyone must be on constant stand by for something that never comes

@FallenChristmasTree So nothing like my scenario - which I'm attempting to deal with and have masked for years. So irrelevant post.

My empathy here is with your niece, like the majority of other posters. My posting style may be direct/brief, because I am a 53 year old perimenopausal woman who no longer puts up with crap from others.🤷‍♀️

Ah arent you a delight.
I wonder why the niece was annoyed. Whatever could it be.

Not stupid per se but choosing a resort where even easy runs are accessed by buses and enclosed lifts was not wise. Probably why it seemed cheap.

Google is your friend.

@JudyMoncada @Doteycat well both of you seem to enjoy putting the boot in but hey sounds like you know nothing about phobias as I said. And both my children love going on holiday with me and ask where we're going next one being 27 and the other 19 and so far (thank god) seem really well adjusted, lovely young people who are thriving. So hopefully I have managed to hide it well for most of their lives, but I am honest about it now as they are adults. But thanks for your horrible posts anyway - I think it says more about your lack of empathy than anything else.

Amused at all the people loftily telling OP to 'get help'. Would be very useful to have some information on the 'help' that cures anxiety, and its success rate.
Because what the OP describes is often how people are WITH help. Because often there's no 'cure' and help is aimed at management. Which can include workarounds to avoid the most triggering situations and supported exposure to triggers.
Often it goes away or lessens by itself, particularly hormone driven anxiety of the type women can experience at menopause. Meanwhile you cope as best you can. To be fair to the OP, she gets on the plane, she goes into the crowded places, so is doing her best to push through and face her fears.
Not sure what other magic bullets there are that people seem to know about?

Nope i just dont tolerate self centred narcissists.
And once again, i have both phobias and anxiety. Do you struggle with reading also?

What if your niece’s outburst was due to anxiety, or stress, or another MH issue, and she was finding it hard to contain herself in that moment?

Would you consider showing her the same patience and understanding you wanted her to offer to you? Or would you double down and commit to your relationship with her being over, because she lost her temper with you on one occasion?

@5128gap Thank you again - absolutely you get it and it's very helpful 😍

I think if you try to manage your life in that way, you're just going to end up with an ever narrowing window of comfort.

It sounds like the op had a great second half to the week as she learnt she could manage her own discomfort.

@treetherapy I did consider that, but she screamed at me and left the room. If she'd spoken to me the next day - I would have worked with her, but she wanted to go so....

“It sounds like the op had a great second half to the week as she learnt she could manage her own discomfort.”

it sounds to me like she didn’t have anyone to indulge her dramas so just got on with it….

I developed agoraphobia after getting stuck on a packed commuter train a few years ago. I’ve commuted on busy commuter transport my whole life (including to school) and it never crossed my mind that I could suddenly feel such panic about being in a crowded space. It is absolutely horrible to feel this way. I’ve had CBT which helped but I still struggle with it. It truly is awful and I recognised a lot of what OP was talking about. Before I developed this fear I could never have understood or even probably sympathised with someone who had it. Your niece sounds like she is in that category. Perhaps she also felt stressed because you were stressed. I think her overall behaviour was unfair but I also wanted to add my two pence that absolutely nobody would want to feel the way OP felt with claustrophobia.

@Doteycat Ok - I'm not engaging with you after this- you make diagnoses on people you don't know - wow impressive. Why don't you go on another thread and find someone else to bully?

I was anxious that the post wasn’t going to end until Easter!

This is the thing - OP deliberately put herself in a very specifically high anxiety situation. She struggles greatly with claustrophobia and chose a full week of being locked in close quarters. First the plan, then every single gondola ride, then every bus back. Then every night in their shared room. She didn’t have an escape and was constantly aware of it, likewise her niece didn’t have an escape and was made constantly aware of it.

Well done OP for pushing through, but it was at the expense of her DN and the other people around her who held her up and provided comfort and who listened to her. The complete lack of self awareness is staggering.