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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 22/04/2025 19:46

I'm going against the grain here. It's always been traditional in my family & my friends'/ wider family's families that when you go on your first big holiday the summer you finish school (aka 17/18) that you then don't go on the big holidays with parents/ younger siblings. Usually in the years remaining you are off travelling during the uni years/ away again with friends having the wild holidays of youth.

That's certainly what I did. Big blow-out after school was inter-railing & then I went on my own adventures. My 2 older DC & friends' children have done exactly the same. Here's my DC's:

DS1
age 18 Greek Island hopping
age 19 Camp America & travelling
age 20 3 months in SE Asia
age 21 (this year) Internship + 6 weeks Indonesia

DS2
age 18 (this year) inter-railing

Their dad (ex-h) took them both to India last year for 3 weeks- wanted then to experience it as he had at a young age travelling, but that's a one off.

They do come on short, UK breaks if it suits them, but otherwise we're with their little brother who has ASN, so holidays need to be sorted around him. I also have holidays with friends as I need them- so shoot me!

I think it's completely normal to stop going with parents at that age. Most don't want to at all. I was seriously clubbing my way around Europe at that age. It remains unclear how the OP has handled it, but posters saying that the OP will have a terrible relationship with her DD are quite presumptuous in my eyes. I have a brilliant relationship with both my older two, who go their own holidays. 🤷

AliBaliBee1234 · 22/04/2025 19:49

She's only 17, I think you're being harsh

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 19:50

@Puffalicious but that’s a tradition known by everyone in the wider family! I doubt anyone got upset about it.

Very different from the OP who thinks her dd doesn’t deserve another hol with her family because she doesn’t contribute enough or because she isn’t spending ‘much time at home’ ie 5 days out 7. Or to do that wo telling her and be grumpy because the boyfriend dropped her in by telling her about it.

Bellie710 · 22/04/2025 19:54

Wow this is crazy! My oldest DD now can't come on our annual family holiday as it unfortunately clashes with her being at Uni. DD17 this will be her last holiday with us and I am absolutely gutted. I can't wait until youngest DD has left school so that we can go away in Uni holiday time. I couldn't care less how many weekends or weeks holiday my kids have had, being together as a family is way more important.

Puffalicious · 22/04/2025 20:00

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 19:50

@Puffalicious but that’s a tradition known by everyone in the wider family! I doubt anyone got upset about it.

Very different from the OP who thinks her dd doesn’t deserve another hol with her family because she doesn’t contribute enough or because she isn’t spending ‘much time at home’ ie 5 days out 7. Or to do that wo telling her and be grumpy because the boyfriend dropped her in by telling her about it.

Like I said, it remains unclear how the OP is playing it, but I do think that if you're going on two abroad holidays, that's pretty great & you should be staying home after that. Maybe I'm biased as we wouldn't have the funds to take two adult DS & maybe girlfriehds with us, that's 6 adults as opposed to 2. Even paying 4 adults as opposed to two is a fortune these days.

This thread has really surprised me. I had no idea how many people take adult DC on holiday! I really didn't, & feel like I'm remiss somehow.

2025willbemytime · 22/04/2025 20:02

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:39

Her being back home was relevant because she asked me to drive her back from the airport after her second holiday!

You sound resentful that she's having more than one holiday. You're allowed as many as you want, can afford and have the time for....

ThriveAT · 22/04/2025 20:03

Wild! She will feel so utterly rejected.

RocketDog101 · 22/04/2025 20:06

BendingSpoons · 21/04/2025 14:34

When you paid for her flights, you definitely should have told her if this meant she couldn't come on your family holiday. If money isn't an issue and it is just 'fairness' then you should have invited her IMO, or at least discussed it with her.

Agreed 😕 "I can't afford both but I am happy to contribute to your own trip or, fund your place with the family". But 17 and living at home, still seems unreasonable in not funding, of can afford it. Personally, I couldn't afford both and would be honest in saying so (and have had to in other situations!).

Gosh 😕

commonsense61 · 22/04/2025 20:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ilovesushi · 22/04/2025 20:12

@Puffalicious what you are missing is that the DD is 17, still living at home and still at school.

Maraudingmarauders · 22/04/2025 20:13

I’m 35 and have a toddler and my parents are taking us on the annual family holiday… poor girl!

NachoChip · 22/04/2025 20:16

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:28

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

If you don't have a favourite child, you seem to have a least favourite.

The "two holidays" is an excuse. What is the real reason you want to exclude your daughter from the holiday? And is it worth it to hurt her feelings, and for other consequences that may come from this? Have you always excluded her from family events?

NameChangeAgainShhh · 22/04/2025 20:21

I’m waiting for the post in ten years time…

“My daughter never visits and I don’t know why.”

leli · 22/04/2025 20:22

Utterly weird! She's 17 FFS!

Isittimeforbedyetsos · 22/04/2025 20:23

Wow! So the “reward” of you paying for her flights for a levels isn’t a reward at all as you’re then not paying for her to attend the family holiday .

jamontoast2 · 22/04/2025 20:24

Yeah she’s not gonna have a relationship with you as an adult, and that is justified as you clearly don’t like her or deserve her.

BruFord · 22/04/2025 20:25

Maraudingmarauders · 22/04/2025 20:13

I’m 35 and have a toddler and my parents are taking us on the annual family holiday… poor girl!

@Maraudingmarauders We’re on the opposite trajectory now, DH takes his parents on holiday (he’s 52) and they love it!

No reason to stop family holidays if everyone’s enjoying themselves. 🤷

bumblebeedum · 22/04/2025 20:26

What have I just read? Bit brutual OP

Maraudingmarauders · 22/04/2025 20:32

BruFord · 22/04/2025 20:25

@Maraudingmarauders We’re on the opposite trajectory now, DH takes his parents on holiday (he’s 52) and they love it!

No reason to stop family holidays if everyone’s enjoying themselves. 🤷

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My husband keeps looking up big seater vans so we can continue road trip holidays when my parents can’t drive any more!

capricorn12 · 22/04/2025 20:32

SilverGlitterBaubles · 21/04/2025 14:37

I think you should have been clear from the outset that you would not be able to fund for her to come on both the family holiday and pay for flights for her other trip. This should have been a choice for her to make before any plans were made.

This would have been entirely reasonable. I have a big age gap between my eldest and his siblings and since he left school he has chosen to do his own thing with holidays, sometimes going with his grandparents, sometimes with friends- but it has been his choice, I did initially pay for his holidays or at least his flights but in the last couple of years he has paid for his own as he now earns more than I do.
I'm surprised how many people on here are still paying for their adult offspring especially when they no longer live in the family home.

Longma · 22/04/2025 20:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Why wouldn’t you want them with you?

Many parents like their older children and enjoy spending time with them.
Many teens and YA enjoy spending time with their parents.
Many like the chance for an extra holiday.

Addictedtohotbaths · 22/04/2025 20:37

My parents stopped taking me away when I was 16 but still took my younger brother. It never occurred to me it was unfair?!

SparklesGlitter · 22/04/2025 20:38

Woodenteaspoon · 22/04/2025 18:27

What sort of boundaries are you talking about?

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I agree. This is so strange.Also… Why is it ok to play Chinese whispers with boyfriend and then be upset with DD when it goes wrong. This is twisted narc stuff. Wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted dd to fall out with boyfriend over it tbh
is that what it’s really about?

Mumwithbaggage · 22/04/2025 20:39

@Puffalicious ours have also been on the friends holidays, camping, 3 months solo in SE Asia. Equally, we've been away a few times without any of them, or just the odd one (trip to NY for 18th etc). I don't EXPECT them to come but the option was definitely always there for them right through university.

My dc4 would have been so sad if she'd been excluded at that age.

MrsRaspberry · 22/04/2025 20:40

She's 17 and asking her if she'd be home has had her assuming you asked in order for her to be available to join you on the family holiday. I get why she's gutted. If she's still in school I'd guess you still claim some child benefits for her therefore it's not unreasonable of her to expect you to help her financially still.