My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

So, so unreasonable. Your poor daughter. The fact that you're doubling down is just so sad. I hope one day she has a lovely MIL who treasures spending time with her.

Sorry OP you’ve really effed up here. So what if she’s going on a few holidays? This was probably the last time she’d be enthusiastic about a family holiday given her age. This is her reward after GCSEs and A Levels and earning her own money. Instead of enjoying the fact that you have a hard working daughter, and holding her up as an example to her siblings, you’ve punished her in a pedantic and inexplicable manner.

I am hoping that my daughter will still want to holiday with us while she is pursuing further education.
At 17-21 year old is by no means grown up or adult. I'd want her to know she has our support and that she is still part of the family. I feel sorry for your daughter - I wonder if she feels rejected?

So if she goes on other holidays she isn't part of the family? If she isn't invited it isn't a family holiday, just a holiday with your special special sons 🙄 I feel terrible for her, poor girl. You are massively in the wrong. Don't be surprised when she cuts contacts with you when she goes to uni.

Well @OliveKoala I am not at all sure why you asked our opinions, because you don't want to hear what the vast majority are saying? Ah, God, I'm stupid, of course I know why you asked us, you thought that we would all 💯 per cent agree with you, then you would show her this thread and she would say "oh, of course, dear mother, you are right, I don't know what I was thinking of, you really are the best Mum in the world"!

If your dealing with the "family" holiday is anything like you have behaved with your poor daughter while she was growing up, then I feel so very sorry for her. You are not being a good, or even a reasonable Mum, OP.

Still can’t get over this. Sounds like you are jealous of her independence and the opportunities and experiences to come, and you’ve just taken the opportunity to stick it to her straight.

No doubt you’ll posting on here in a few years with a handwringing tale of how your ‘selfish’ DD doesn’t speak to you anymore and you can’t understand as you’ve always done your best. I wonder what other slights have been meted out to her?

Appalling .

Never heard of anyone doing this. It comes across as nasty and rude, even if you're not.

Is it too late to add her to your holiday?

You may not have a favourite, but you do appear to like one less than the others due to how much she contributes.

5/7 days of the week is almost all the time or all the time! 🤔🤣

She is part of your family, why on earth would you not invite her on a family holiday? Do you not like her much?

The thing is OP you are sending her a message which is you don't want her to come. Which in my opinion is beyond mean and I can fully understand why she is upset.
Very sad for a 17 year old to feel unwanted on a family holiday regardless of how many holidays and how much time she spends at home.

This is unbelievably sad. My DD is also about to do A levels. She also has a holiday and a long weekend away booked with friends over the summer AND we've booked a family holiday, our last before she goes to uni. I couldn't contemplate the idea of going without her and she'd be heartbroken if we did. If money was an issue I'd do the cheapest, most basic UK-based break I could possibly find to enable us to go together.

I told my DD17 about this and she's raging. YABVVVVU.

She should leave OP to it and not use her time picking a shitty retirement home

I’d be hurt too if I was her. She’s 17 not 27. I think you were in the wrong not to include her no matter how many holidays she has booked.

My DD was a bloody nightmare the holiday before last. 15yo, hormonal AF, and had just done GCSEs which had revealed she hadn’t done nearly enough work. She was a complete PITA and often actively unkind to us.

She’s now 17 and in the throes of A levels. Working hard and spending a lot of time in her room. One foot out the door ready for uni. But 2 years older, coming out of puberty (finally!), prefrontal cortex developing, so at least she’s often quite nice to us.

I get why you might be wondering why you bother trying to maintain a relationship with your stroppy teen - I’ve frequently wondered that about mine. But we are the parents. We have it to do.

if I were you, ‘d tell her there was a misunderstanding about whether she’d want to come and of course she’s welcome on the family holiday. Or make your peace with having a distant relationship with her just as she’s growing out of being a stroppy teenager.

This isn't boundary setting. I'm not really sure what it is apart from bizarrre.
I wonder if you'll apply the same to your two favourites when they're 17.

Wow, just wow. You could have predicted her boyfriend would have told her, but you sound sneaky and toxic or worst, lacking compassion at best. And you compare what she contributes vs her brothers when she's still only a minor.

I'm having a hard time relating to this because I'd always invite all of my children on a "family" vacation. I can't imagine leaving one out. I'd imagine it would hurt their feelings terribly. How would YOU like it if your husband and other children planned a trip and told you that you weren't invited? (Also, your plan to not tell her at all isn't any better).

As you say, you can afford it and she wants to come. It sounds like this might also be her last year at home. What difference does it make if she has other trips booked? I don't see why that would have a thing to do with it.

So, your reasoning does not make any sense to me. To be honest, it sounds like you just don't want her there and are trying to come up with excuses to justify it. Is this accurate? Not trying to cast blame here, it's really just all I can think of that would make this thread make sense to me.

I voted YANBU due to the poll placement but YABVVVVVU.

I think this is spectacularly unreasonable of you to exclude her.

My adult children are happy to come on holiday with us still,

Your DD will never forget what you have done. Yet you don't even seem to be aware of the damage.

You will regret it.

Yeah, that’s such a weird thing to say, only 5 out of 7 days.

OP sounds quite awful.

I have 3 DC. Two earn fantastic wages in the private sector, the third works for the NHS, she doesn’t earn anything like her siblings. In your reckoning the two wealthier ones because they are able to contribute more, go on the family holiday and the one that could save your life stays at home?

Mean.