My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

I have read all your comments through this post and at the beginning I sort of got what you’re saying that she has 2 holidays booked. However the fact your saying that she will no longer being going on any family holidays and that your have 2 sons and they contribute more than her does make me wonder if you like your daughter? I feel sad for your family that you don’t want holidays with them once they are grown up and leading their own life. My 19 year old still comes on family holidays with us and she is in full time work.

You've been so unreasonable.

You say her job is badly paid so surely she deserves a treat anyway.

Who is it 'unfair' for if she has a family holiday?

Make the most of her wanting to holiday with you while she's still young and financially dependent.

I think you are being horrible!

My DD is 17 and I wouldn’t dream of not inviting her on the family holiday, infact I enjoy holidays even more now the DC are older and I am really looking forward to our family holiday.

Your daughter worked at the same time as doing her A-levels, so was able to pay for a holiday for herself that she then went ahead and booked (how very dare she!), and you are now punishing her for it.

Well, family relationships work both ways and you have very clearly set out how this one is going to go.

So I take it you’re not really bothered about a relationship with your daughter - because this pettiness you’re treating her with - will absolutely come back to bite you on the arse.

Way to go to ensure you don't have a relationship with your daughter. Let me guess, your other two are your favourites.

Don't post on a thread asking if you're being unreasonable and then ignore everyone who categorically says yes you are.

It’s more a penalty than a “reward” for A levels by taking away her place on the family holiday that you fund 100% and replacing it with only paying for flights on another holiday.

You are so so unreasonable to do this. I would never have expected in her shoes that a “reward” of paying for flights for a holiday to celebrate finishing A levels would mean being denied to go on the annual family holiday.

She hasn’t prioritised seeing her friends over the family holiday, you misled her to believe that the holiday with her friends was a REWARD.

Imagine your boss says hey I’m giving you a Christmas Bonus of £500 as a reward for your hard work. You go great thanks, and then later boss says oh by the way there won’t be a pay cheque for December. You’d rightly be like, hey now, the bonus is less than a normal pay cheque so how is this a reward?

I would definitely be doing everything I could now to get her booked on the holiday with you. This might be the last time you spend quality time together as a family before she moves out for uni and possibly may want to travel and all sorts in forthcoming summers. I think in years to come you will really regret this decision. Ouch!

Don’t you want to spend time with her?

i couldn’t care less if my child was doing other holidays. I’m not on those holidays with them! They make my holiday better by being with me! I dread the day my children don’t want to holiday with me. I’m hoping they will want to come long occasionally even as they get older.

You should definitely bring your minor children on family holidays. If she’d explicitly said she didn’t want to/couldn’t come then it would be different and she’d be old enough to be left behind, but you say she’s upset not to be invited. In my opinion a family holiday shouldn’t go ahead if the parents cannot finance bringing all children under 18 who want to come.

Sometimes you hear about families where the adult kids are totally estranged from their parents... have absolutely no contact whatsoever - and it always sounds heartbreaking. OP, what you've done is heartless and cruel and could lead to your losing your daughter. You need to apologise to her, beg for her forgiveness in fact.

I don’t expect my under 18 year old children to make any contribution at all barring keeping the house tidy, putting their clothes away and working hard at school.

Definitely would not have wanted you as a mother, this is so mean spirited. I am actually shocked.

Oh sorry! Skimmed the thread and misunderstood 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mind you, unsure how they contribute more? I will read it properly! I still feel sorry for the daughter though.

Boundaries?! This is your teenage daughter you're talking about! God, I hope she puts you in a shitty retirement home.

You sound cold towards your daughter. Can I ask if there is anything about your ways of thinking or past that might mean you struggle to have empathy or understand emotion?

I'm not attacking you. It might be something you struggle with through no bad intent.

How old are your sons? You say they contribute more so are they actually older than your 17yr old daughter and so you’re excluding your youngest child? If so I find that really really awful. It reads like you are envious and resentful of her. You post has some contempt OP and I’d reflect on why you feel that way towards her. I feel so sorry for her!!

I think if my teenage daughter, who is clearly one of the youngest in the year if she's still 17, had worked part time while also studying her A-levels so was able to pay for her own holiday with mates I would be enormously proud.
If the family holiday has never been seen as transactional before, then why is it suddenly now?

Seems to be some strange resentment towards her.

People like you forget you spend MORE time knowing your children as adults than you ever do as children.

I cannot wait to have these kinds of holidays with my children as young adults. To know they've CHOSEN to come on family holidays, not because they've been forced to, would be all the payment I need.

It’s not a treat at all is it 😂 Here is the money that I would have spent on our family holiday but I don’t really like you so off you go with someone else on holiday and you can wear your coat in peace. Saves me spending any time with you.

The thought of excluding one of my children makes me feel physically sick. I don’t even take one to a theme park without the other let alone a holiday! This just seems emotionally abusive. I know that word gets bandied around a lot but I see no other reason why your daughter is being seemingly punished.

I think this is cruel, it doesn’t matter if she has other holidays booked, it’s not fair to exclude your own child from a family holiday, it really does come across that you don’t care for her much.

The cost comment also makes you seem really really bitchy!! Who gives a crap if she wore her coat on holiday? She sounds like a hard working nice young lady. You sound mean spirited and judgemental of your own child and playing favourites with the boys.

This is horrible and will affect her for the rest of her life. Please think again.

‘I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!’

Bizarre!!! How are two teen or preteen boys ‘contributing more’ than your hard working 17yr old daughter who is paying for her own trips and studying for her A levels? Seriously, how?!

In 10+ years time we will hear how OP wasn't invited to the wedding and later how she doesn't get to see the grandchildren, and she'll want us to feel sorry for her.