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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
Catwench · 22/04/2025 14:23

How do your sons contribute more if your 17 year old daughter is the eldest? Sounds more like an excuse. After these comments please update the post to say you have added her on.

Nousername22 · 22/04/2025 14:26

This has to be a wind up or a reverse or something. But just incase, you are 100% unreasonable. My son is almost 20 and at Uni so lives away during term time and I still invite him on our family holidays. Even when we are only going camping for a few days. Most of the time he politely declines but I wouldn’t dream of not inviting him.

MellowCritic · 22/04/2025 14:29

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:24

I have a right to boundaries just like she has a right to be upset

Op what do you mean you have the right to boundaries? How exactly is this a boundary issue . Your child has booked other trips and now you're booking a family trip, don't blame boundaries because you feel your daughter doesn't deserve to go on the family trip for what ever reason you have , this is on you. You don't want your child there which is shocking but also not sure why you came here if you are so sure of yourself .

DoctorMarten · 22/04/2025 14:33

You sound like you don't like your daughter much. Why is this even a question a parent needs to ask strangers?! Your poor daughter...

TequilaNights · 22/04/2025 14:35

Wow, that poor girl 💔

ilovesushi · 22/04/2025 14:37

I've read all of your posts Op, and I still can't understand it. Is your main reason because you think she/ anyone should not exceed a certain number (decided by you) of holidays a year? Or is it that you have the hump that she wasn't showing adequate (according to you) excitement in the family holiday compared to her own holidays with friends/ boyfriend? Both are crap reasons. You either want your family together for a holiday or you don't and sounds like you don't. If I were her, I would feel very hurt. Not because of holiday greed, but because of being sidelined.

Sassybooklover · 22/04/2025 14:43

If this was simply the fact you'd paid flights for a holiday with a friend, and couldn't afford to pay for your daughter on a family holiday as well, then you needed to communicate this to your daughter, prior to either holiday being booked. However, it appears the only reason you haven't invited your daughter, is because you feel that 2 holidays are enough for her, rather than you can't afford to pay for her on the family holiday. Of course your daughter is going to expect to be invited, she's your daughter!! If she couldn't afford 2 holidays with her friends, without your help, then you should have made it plain you were paying for only 1 - either holiday with her friends or a family one, but not both. She then would have had the choice of choosing. If she then chose for you to pay for a holiday with her friends, then she either didn't go on the family one or paid for herself. You didn't really give her a choice, you made the decision for her without telling her what your expectations are!

SparklingMetre · 22/04/2025 14:45

Wow, way to burn bridges….

I think there is an undertone in your messages that you felt snubbed by her (as she organised her own holidays and didn’t check in with you on dates for the family one) and so you returned the favour by not including her.

If you want to disconnect from her before she heads off to uni, this is the perfect way.

housethatbuiltme · 22/04/2025 14:49

I don't think it is unreasonable at all, she has her own life separate from you and the rest of you get to have your lives too.

My mam and little brother went away often (sometime with my step dad or our aunt/uncle/grandad too) without me at that age... never thought 'oh I should demand they pay for me to come along too'.

She will have got experiences before her younger sibling(s) (I assume thats what you mean by family) where born and is now getting them with her adult freedom too, they ALSO deserve childhood experiences with a parent and without their sibling tagging on too.

Shes and adult, where does it end? it's 'nice' if you parents occasionally invite you to things but not an entitlement. Demanding your parents pay for you as a working adult to go on a 3rd abroad holiday... nope. People are so spoiled and entitled these days.

obsessedwithfreshbread · 22/04/2025 14:52

housethatbuiltme · 22/04/2025 14:49

I don't think it is unreasonable at all, she has her own life separate from you and the rest of you get to have your lives too.

My mam and little brother went away often (sometime with my step dad or our aunt/uncle/grandad too) without me at that age... never thought 'oh I should demand they pay for me to come along too'.

She will have got experiences before her younger sibling(s) (I assume thats what you mean by family) where born and is now getting them with her adult freedom too, they ALSO deserve childhood experiences with a parent and without their sibling tagging on too.

Shes and adult, where does it end? it's 'nice' if you parents occasionally invite you to things but not an entitlement. Demanding your parents pay for you as a working adult to go on a 3rd abroad holiday... nope. People are so spoiled and entitled these days.

Did you miss the part that she’s 17 and still at school, not a working adult!

Peacepleaselouise · 22/04/2025 14:54

Wow, your responses seem very strange. You seem to be acting as if she is 37 not 17.

Washingupdone · 22/04/2025 14:54

How awful for your poor daughter working and doing A levels and the family deciding they don’t want her around.
Very hurtful, she is trying her best but you have not allowed her to have a family holiday, probably one of the last.
Imagine if the positions where changed, you older and maybe alone and your daughter invited someone else because you were retired so didn’t need a family holiday with her and her partner and your GC.

BruFord · 22/04/2025 14:54

GardenGaff · 21/04/2025 14:36

If its a finance issue and you were giving hrt the choice that either you pay for the flights for her second holiday or you pay for her to come on the family holiday, you probably should have communicated that more clearly.

The fact that you can’t afford to pay for both for her (if that’s the case) is not unreasonable.

I agree with @GardenGaff that poor communication is the issue here. If you can only afford to pay for one holiday for her, you should've clearly explained this and let her decide what she'd prefer. Leaving it until you were about to book the family holiday was unfair.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 22/04/2025 14:54

You’ve led her to believe she would be invited and she’s only just finishing school so given she’s able to come it seems unfair to not invite her. I can see why she is upset

bostonchamps · 22/04/2025 14:55

housethatbuiltme · 22/04/2025 14:49

I don't think it is unreasonable at all, she has her own life separate from you and the rest of you get to have your lives too.

My mam and little brother went away often (sometime with my step dad or our aunt/uncle/grandad too) without me at that age... never thought 'oh I should demand they pay for me to come along too'.

She will have got experiences before her younger sibling(s) (I assume thats what you mean by family) where born and is now getting them with her adult freedom too, they ALSO deserve childhood experiences with a parent and without their sibling tagging on too.

Shes and adult, where does it end? it's 'nice' if you parents occasionally invite you to things but not an entitlement. Demanding your parents pay for you as a working adult to go on a 3rd abroad holiday... nope. People are so spoiled and entitled these days.

Sorry could you just highlight which part of any of OPs posts say her DD has been demanding flights?

My post Easter chocolate brain can't quite see that.

housethatbuiltme · 22/04/2025 14:55

obsessedwithfreshbread · 22/04/2025 14:52

Did you miss the part that she’s 17 and still at school, not a working adult!

Show quote history

her first holiday has been completely self funded

and

which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly

try reading the OP, 17 year olds are not children... she can and is fly round the world alone, have a boyfriend/sex, could have babies, has a job and is about to leave to uni... stop infantalizing people, she not an abandoned baby.

pencilcaseandcabbage · 22/04/2025 14:55

But she's not an adult, @housethatbuiltme. She's 17 (so still legally a child), with a part time job and will be going to uni in September. So I'm guessing she's either doing A levels or is at college. In any case, most people on this thread agree that it's shocking not to invite your child on the family holiday. They may or not want to come at that age, but to deliberately exclude them is unusual.

housethatbuiltme · 22/04/2025 14:56

bostonchamps · 22/04/2025 14:55

Sorry could you just highlight which part of any of OPs posts say her DD has been demanding flights?

My post Easter chocolate brain can't quite see that.

Show quote history

The daughter can't pay but expects to go... who do you think is paying?

OP told her she could come if she paid, its in the OP.

MereNoelle · 22/04/2025 14:56

pencilcaseandcabbage · 22/04/2025 14:55

But she's not an adult, @housethatbuiltme. She's 17 (so still legally a child), with a part time job and will be going to uni in September. So I'm guessing she's either doing A levels or is at college. In any case, most people on this thread agree that it's shocking not to invite your child on the family holiday. They may or not want to come at that age, but to deliberately exclude them is unusual.

Especially if you’re excluding them merely because you think ‘they’ve already had enough holidays’. As though fun is rationed.

Wicked123 · 22/04/2025 15:11

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

No one “needs” an extra holiday but I’m sure most people would jump at the chance! I can’t ever imagine not wanting to take my daughter away with us, no matter her age !!

Lilactimes · 22/04/2025 15:11

I would definitely invite my DD on a holiday with the family at this age.
you’re being unreasonable.

Pinky2blush · 22/04/2025 15:13

I don’t know why you have asked for peoples opinion when you so obviously think you are in the right!

Babigurl · 22/04/2025 15:14

Let’s be real, she’s not invited so she can look after the home. That, or you’re jealous of the amount of fun your teen will have. Some mums get so weird at this time in their daughter’s lives, almost like they have to humble them.

this is weird and unreasonable, deffo a decision that will come back to bite you. You’re basically telling her she isn’t family smh

Specso · 22/04/2025 15:18

Mean

bostonchamps · 22/04/2025 15:21

@housethatbuiltme but that doesn't indicate she's demanding it does it?

And the OP then literally she's say can fund her DDs flights if she wanted to, she just doesn't want to.