My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

Ah, poor girl. I feel sorry for her. I think you cocked up here, sorry

Sounds like you don’t like her much?

YABVU

No matter how it's dressed up it's mean-spirited.

The clue is in the word family holiday. I can't believe a parent would for one second consider going away whilst purposely leaving their teenager out! Yikes.

What's wrong with wearing her coat? I live in mine because I feel the cold really easily

Which would be fine if the conversation was had prior to booking her other holidays... ie "just so you know, if I pay for these flights, I won't be able to pay for you to come on the family holiday" so the 17yo could make a choice.

But as money doesn't seem to be an issue, its just a case that the mum doesnt want her there, no more.

Family holiday without all your family.

You say you don’t have a favourite but clearly have one you like the least.

You mention boundaries?!! I don’t see how not wanting to take your daughter on holiday is a boundary. Feels like you are using therapy terms to excuse your terrible parenting choice.

In a few years you will be posting about how your daughter doesn’t speak to you and you don’t know why!

And this is why my sons GF has lived with us since she was 17 as her mum sounds just like you. Its vile and I am glad she loves with us as she is treated like part of our family, by us and all our extended family!

Even more reason to think you'd WANT to spend some time with her before she goes off to university.

It’s not a family holiday if one member isn’t invited.

So what if she’s had two holidays.

are you the holiday police?

Mean. Very mean

I would contribute hee haw too if I had a mother who treated me like this.

Never mind. She'll maybe step up when it come time to choosing your nursing home. Now there's a thought.

I’ve only read your posts @OliveKoala , but you sound like you’re being really unreasonable- punishing her for wanting to celebrate with her friends/ boyfriend after a big year. She’s not even legally an adult yet. I can see why she’s so hurt.

Personally, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. The last time DS came on holiday with us, he was 15 and that was 2018, that was to Croatia. DH and I had a separate holiday the same year to Sweden.

In 2019, we couldn’t afford a holiday so none of us went anywhere. In 2020, it was Covid so DH and I had one weekend away whilst DS was with his dad. 2021, same as 2020. 2022, DH and I went to Portugal and didn’t invite DS but he was 19 and had two holidays with his girlfriend. Did I feel bad? Not at all 🤷‍♀️

Your replies indicate you have absolutely no interest in whether you're being unreasonable or not, you've made your decision and you won't change your mind despite overwhelming consensus that you are very much unreasonable.

I feel sorry for your daughter, she probably figured she'd have this as her final family holiday as she turns 18 soon so she'll be an adult then and have to take care of her own responsibilities but you've taken that away from her and made her feel awful for feeling that way.

I cannot believe what I've just read , what a horrible thing to do . She will always remember mom didn't want me to be part of the family .

poor thing of course she should be invited! She’s still part of the family and still under 18 and in full time education. I would understand if you had funded her other holidays but you haven’t (apart from flights) so very unfair not to take her on holiday with you.

Although I still wouldn't do what you've done holiday wise, I don't think its awful, or comparable to this.

This is a child, not a 19yo. And other siblings are going. Just a break for the parents without the children could be sold differently. But "i think you've had too many holidays" or "you don't take your coat off" so you're not coming is mean. Especially when none of these things were discussed prior to booking.

Tbh, it might be that she doesn't want to go anyway, I wouldn't if I were her. But I don't think its reasonable to book a family holiday and exclude one member of the family.

OP will be on here in a few months complaining that her DD never wants to come home for uni holidays!

I would be upset if I were your daughter.

If she doesn't come back to visit home much when she is at uni, do remember this moment.

I mean.. Even the sentence "inviting for holiday" in a family setting is weird and alien to me. You "invite" your kid to a "family holiday"? Isn't it implicit? How some families function I can't understand...

you: aibu?

everyone: yes

you: no i wasn't

Why bother asking?

Read your replies and I'm more shocked with you. "I think last holiday should be the one we had", "sons contribute more than her".

Have you lost your mind with money?

Wow...perhaps you don't like your daughter or you aren't really a mother to her in the real sense, and there's some backstory to this. Because this absolutely is abnormal.

My sons 19 and I still pay and invite him on all family holidays /trips . Would seem mean not to , I'm happy he still wants to come .

I have read this thread and all your responses and can only decider that you are a troll or a lady that’s going to end up alone!
you are mean, you have excluded your daughter that’s still a child, you say she’s spent the last holiday in a coat, this is a normal thing for a child to do, especially one that obviously has no support for all the changes she’s been through, from her mother.
i think you need to take a long look at your self and see how truly mean you are or if as I suspect this is just posted by a troll - get a life!