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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
Aroses · 22/04/2025 10:47

Do you still not see how unreasonable you've been? I really hope you've added your daughter to this trip, and apologised. As someone who was excluded from family holidays by my father once he met a new woman (he would take her kids instead), even now in my 40s this is not forgotten! 17 is such a vulnerable age, she needs her parents more than ever. This exclusive behaviour is not going to help foster a positive relationship with her at all. She will feel pushed out and unimportant, at a time in her life where so much is changing you need to show her she still has you. Instead your pushing her away. Youll live to regret this if you don't fix it.

TeenBoyMum · 22/04/2025 10:48

My eldest is nearly 19. He has 2 holidays booked, one paid for by us as a belated birthday gift. He is absolutely welcome to come on the family holiday because it’s a FAMILY holiday. As it is he has opted out, but he is coming on another family trip, paid for by his dad and myself. And if he changes his mind about the family holiday that wouldn’t be an issue. To deny him the opportunity to be part of the family holiday just because he’s going away independently as well would never occur to us. Just like we wouldn’t exclude him from going for a meal out with us just because he’s gone out with friends a couple of times.

springtimemagic · 22/04/2025 10:50

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:24

I have a right to boundaries just like she has a right to be upset

What a dreadful shame for your daughter. You do realise she’ll be in therapy for years because of you. You’d better say goodbye to your daughter and any future grandchildren because you won’t be seeing them!

ManchesterLu · 22/04/2025 10:52

pinkdelight · 21/04/2025 14:33

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday as well

WTF?? Why is it unfair? Are you the fun police? Can she not have - gasp! - three holidays? Of course a 17yo should be included in a family holiday and not have to pay for it herself, especially when you darn well know she can't afford it. Are you trying to punish her for doing A levels and having a job or something? It's so weird that I feel like it must be a reverse or made-up.

This is pretty much exactly what I wanted to say. Imagine leaving your CHILD at home when you went on holiday! That's just absolutely shocking.

You haven't paid for her flights as a TREAT if she's lost the chance of another holiday in return! That's not a treat at all!

custardcreme77 · 22/04/2025 10:55

I feel so sad for your daughter. You really should have discussed this properly with her. You are coming across as being thoughtless and mean.

Mumble12 · 22/04/2025 10:55

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:50

She planned her holidays before we planned them family one. I feel simply that if it was important to her to spend time with us she would have asked us before making her plans

so she booked her holidays when none were planned and therefore nothing to work around...you knew at least one of the dates because you paid for flights. She's worked hard enough (while still at school) to pay for one holiday and accommodation for the other....and you don't think she deserves to spend time with her family as a result. That is a weird take, I have to be honest!

Lorlorlorikeet · 22/04/2025 10:55

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

Jesus Christ. 😬

BlackWhiteCircle · 22/04/2025 10:56

Fuck me! Yoi cannot be real. No wonder she spends every weekend at her boyfriends, she feels unwanted! What the actual fuck is spending a holiday in a coat grounds for not coming?

TenThousandSpoons · 22/04/2025 10:57

YABVU and it sounds like you don’t like your dd much. 95% agree you’re unreasonable and mean but you’re still arguing that you’re not.

YourZippyLion · 22/04/2025 10:58

I was 19, working abroad for summer season March -October. I phoned my parents at the end of August and said I’d had enough and wanted to come home. The first thing my dad said to me was “I guess you want to come to Florida then?” (Rest of family was going early September)
The holiday never crossed my mind, but at 42 I still remember that and my brother, cousins, mum and dad were laughing about things on that holiday this Easter weekend, 23 years later.

I’d never dream of leaving my children out, I hope they still want to holiday with me at 17+.
please add your daughter on!

Casperroonie · 22/04/2025 10:58

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

I think it's really sad and feel sorry for her. It seems really mean, she's still your child.

Lorlorlorikeet · 22/04/2025 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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cinnamongirl123 · 22/04/2025 10:59

I am beyond shocked that you think this is ok OP. It’s utterly disgraceful!! I honestly can’t imagine any parent doing this. Your poor DD. I have a lot more to say about this, and about you as a parent, but none of it is fit for printing here.

Vaxtable · 22/04/2025 11:00

She’s 17, of course she should be invited. This maybe her last family holiday, and it’s certainly something she will remember forever, mum not wanting her to come

its irrelevant how many other holidays she may have booked

cauliflowercheeseplease · 22/04/2025 11:00

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:36

Yes but she will be leaving to got Uni in September and she spends the weekends at her boyfriends. So she is only around 5/7 days of the week

All of this is totally irrelevant. She’s your 17 year old daughter! You have booked a “ family” holiday… or because she has a boyfriend, already has holidays booked and is going to uni does that discount her from being family?

No excuse really is there? You’ve done a pretty crappy thing.

Casperroonie · 22/04/2025 11:01

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:10

We don’t have any animals or the such, I just think that our previous holiday together should be our last.

Why is that then? Sounds really odd.

FlakyCritic · 22/04/2025 11:04

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:28

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

They just contribute more than her!

This clearly shows you do have a favourite child, and it's NOT YOUR DAUGHTER.

At 17 she should be automatically going with her parents on holiday anyway. You're a very neglectful mother and clear don't care about her. I hope and pray your thread is a wind up. You sound so cold and horrible.

amyds2104 · 22/04/2025 11:05

Brutal. 100% the moment your relationship with your daughter is changed forever. You sound incredibly mean and in the future don’t be surprised she doesn’t want you around for big things. She’s going to uni as her being removed from the family holiday and I hope she never looks back you sound awful.

wednesday32 · 22/04/2025 11:05

OP, I would just show your daughter this thread. Once she sees how you really view her and the contributions (or lack thereof, according to you)she makes to your life, she won't want to come on holiday with you ever again. Problem solved.

cinnamongirl123 · 22/04/2025 11:06

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

Ah two sons and a daughter - ie two golden boys and an unloved, unwanted girl. We get it now OP. You are an absolute utter disgusting disgrace of a parent 😪

midlifeattheoasis · 22/04/2025 11:06

You sound resentful of her and as if you don't actually like her very much.

RedToothBrush · 22/04/2025 11:08

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:36

Yes but she will be leaving to got Uni in September and she spends the weekends at her boyfriends. So she is only around 5/7 days of the week

SHE SEVENTEEN.

SHE IS YOUR FAMILY.

Are you saying that unless she spends 7 days a week at your house, you are disowning her from the family? Thats controlling.

Legally she is still your dependent too.

Your decision is telling her, she is too old to consider herself part of the family unit. You are extraordinarily cold.

gamerchick · 22/04/2025 11:10

cinnamongirl123 · 22/04/2025 11:06

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

Ah two sons and a daughter - ie two golden boys and an unloved, unwanted girl. We get it now OP. You are an absolute utter disgusting disgrace of a parent 😪

Sounds like my mother. Theres a reason I have nowt to do with her.

Scentedjasmin · 22/04/2025 11:11

People are telling you that you are being unreasonable and yet you are doubling down. Her other siblings are going. You are excluding her from the family. It doesn't matter that she spent the last holiday sat in her coat, or that she is going away with friends, nor that she's only around a couple of days a week, nor that she's off to Uni soon, nor that you feel the 'need' to set boundaries, nor that you just feel that the last holiday should be her final one.

Your actions of excluding her will damage not only her relationship with you but also her siblings. People are telling you that, but instead you are coming up with more reasons as to why you are right.

Which is more important...being 'right' in front of a bunch of strangers online and setting rules for the sake of setting rules or your long term relationship with your daughter. As she moves forwards towards independence, she needs that security of family life all the more to fall back on.

RedToothBrush · 22/04/2025 11:12

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

Honestly, thats not for you to make a judgment on if shes funding the others.

Shes 17 and trying to make the most of that and find her freedom a little.

Are you saying she has to pick between going on holiday with her boyfriend or going on holiday with her family?

Again. Controlling.

And it won't end well for your relationship with her. Not that I think you are actually that bothered, because you think very little of her anyway.

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