My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

Wow this is brutal!

To me this is, quite simply, horrible. I remember going on holiday with my parents and younger sister at 18 (I also had a holiday with my friends that year) I didn’t stop being part of the family at 17. It would have been different if it was just my parents going but if they had booked a holiday for the family and told me as an after thought I would have been more than hurt. Once I started working full time I was given the option of coming and paying for myself.

Dd1(and her dh and dd) has had 3 holidays since the end of last July and her pils' have just paid for them all to join them on their family holiday at the beginning of June. They are paying for everything and it's 5* all inclusive. No one mentioned that they'd already had a few holidays already!

I'm mid 30's and still go on family holidays with my parents and they pay!

You should have asked her OP. Regardless of how many holidays she has booked.

*edited to say I don't expect them to pay for me and my family but they offer & like to treat us! We have also paid for holidays for them.

God, you sound like my mother when I was your DD’s age, she excluded me from the family holiday after my A levels because I was going to do my nurse training and she said that as I had a holiday job I could stay at home and look after the dog instead.
This was just the start of our relationship’s downwards trajectory…..

@OliveKoala save this thread, re-read your posts in 5yrs time when you come on here wondering why you never see your daughter.

I am so sad for your daughter that she has a mother like you.

Cold and cruel!
Do you love, or even like your daughter?
This is the sort of thing that will stick with her, well done OP.
You should be delighted that she still wants to holiday with you.

My oldest son, 26, hasn’t been on holiday with us since he was 16. I still ask him if he wants to go every time we go away.

They don’t stop being part of the family once they’re an adult, or because they go on holiday by themselves.

Your responses make you sound very cold. Is there a reason you feel the last holiday you had together should be the last? What do you mean that your sons contribute more? She’s 17!!!

I’m sure the OP won’t be back but she sounds like a narcissist to me - angry that the daughter dared to make her own plans and voice that her decision not to include her in the family holiday was hurtful. My own DM was like this, punishing me when she could not longer control the narrative and I wasn’t all over her. Her daughter is best to continue to start her own life, away from the jealousy and control.

Aw that's a bit mean!

Yes, I wondered that. Rather than a source of weird amusement, couldn’t it be a sign that her daughter is struggling in some way.

Our adult kids and their partners are always invited on every holiday - and I’m disappointed if they don’t want to come! And our youngest (18) is doing a-levels so we don’t expect her or her b/f to contribute to the cost of the holiday! Their own spending money is helpful obviously but I would never dream of leaving any of them out of a family holiday! Awful, just awful

Of course you should have invited her on the family holiday…she is your family after all! She’s off to Uni in September, make the most of the time you have together.

Wow, heartless or what? Not a family holiday is it if the whole family isn't there???

I’ll happily pay for my children to come on holiday with me, and if I was paying for one I’d pay for both. You sound awful. My sister was the preferred sibling and I still feel resentment decades later. I’d never want my children to feel like that and to feel like my treatment of them was not equal or fair.

How does your partner feel about this ?

This can't be real! It's like one of those ridiculous Quora posts that just invites a pile-on 😅

Glad you're not my mother. Poor girl.
You'll be posting a new thread in a few years "why doesn't my daughter talk to me anymore".
You're being unreasonable and spiteful to your child.

Wow! How nasty is that…
I will always ask my kids if they want to come on the family holiday and as long as I can pay I will.
I enjoy spending time as a family with them and they will always be welcome.
Just as I was always welcome to be on family holidays when I was younger.
It sounds like you just don’t want her there. I feel very sad for her 😪

YABVU. If money was an issue, you should have clearly stated when you offered to pay for the flights for her second holiday that if you paid for those, you couldn't then afford the flights for her for the family holiday.

Teens don't always think like that and besides she was probably fitting her dates around her friends, boyf, and maybe work commitments. I think you'll feel rotten and remorseful when you're away without her. I'm not sure why you put this post up when you seem dead set on your decision. Our 21 year old (and our 18 year old) still enjoys family holidays, it is a precious chance for all 5 of us to be together doing something fun. We won't be stopping these opportunities any time soon. It's not too late for you to have a rethink.

OP you have not given a good reason why she can’t come other than your opinion that she’s already had two holidays and shouldn’t have a third.

If you couldn’t fund it because you had paid for her flights for her other holiday then it would make more sense. The fact you’ve not properly communicated with her and booked a family holiday without her without giving her any sort of heads up or idea of your thought process is bizarre.

You’ve not said anything to suggest your daughter had been poorly behaved or anything like that. I find your rationale for not including her in the booking really odd and feel sorry for your daughter. She’s going to feel shit when you all swan off on holiday together and she’s left at home.

You haven’t even taken on board anything pp’s have said and just keep pushing your narrative. Not sure what boundaries have to do with it as you’ve not set her any and just expected her to be a mind reader!

For your daughter and the sake of your relationship I’d seriously reconsider and get her included in the holiday

Yes you are out of line tbh. No wonder she is upset

Extremely hurtful and that’s going to stay with her forever. My husband’s parents did this and he’s never forgiven them.

I’m guessing you don’t have a very close relationship or else you are very detached from feelings and emotions because it’s completely correct that she should be upset.