My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

Wow, seems you don’t even like her. Hopefully she has good friends as sounds like she’s going to need them with a mum like you.

i find your attitude appalling. I go on holidays with my parents now along with my children. My parents aren’t in brilliant health and it’s an opportunity to make memories for us and them. Why wouldn’t I do that? 30 years, 50 years, depending on your age you’ll be dead.

It’s a rite of passage at that age to have some fun with friends and people of the same age but also she’s your family and a family holiday (at her still young age) means they get invited to come. One day they won’t want to be. Cherish these opportunities

This is horrible. You are supposed to be a family.

My parents did this to me at the same age and time of life. We had never been abroad as a family ever (even had to apply for passports). They decided to book a holiday for them and my brother leaving me home because “I was off to uni anyway in a few weeks”. It hurt badly. As others have said it’s not about the holiday as such but the deliberate exclusion without really discussing with me as an almost adult. I was very hurt then and still have a very poor relationship with my parents to this day (not just because of this one incident but it’s indicative of the selfish attitude they adopt regularly)

Poor bairn. I have a young twenties DD and actively hope she comes away with us every year, I miss her so much when she’s at uni and out and about with her mates that getting her to ourselves for a week or two is a highlight for us. But then we like our daughter which you don’t seem to so 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s part of being a parent!

Totally agree to the point I’m wondering if this is a wind up post!! If it’s not OP is cold!

You sound strangely cold towards her. Surely you would want her on the family holiday?! I kept going on the family holiday even once I was at university, it was still so important to spend time with my family

Be prepared for her to not bother with you when she moves out. You are hurting her and behaving like she’s being unreasonable. Give your head a wobble

You can't possibly think it's ok to bring two of your three children on a family holiday, it's wildly unreasonable. 17 is still a child and she deserves to be treated fairly.

You say you don't have a favourites but this smacks of such wild favouritism that it's hard to believe you! I'd go as far as to say it's cruel. It's less about the holiday and more about what you're communicating emotionally.

Wow, if you care about your relationship you need to rescue this wholeheartedly asap. 17 is extremely young, a transitional phase that is very stressful and she probably needs to know she’s not being kicked out of the nest.

there will probably be lots of people saying that this kind of thing made them extremely resilient but why would you want a perceived rejection from your mother force you into resilience? It depends how much you care I suppose.

Somebody is jealous....

I read your replies to make sure you were being unreasonable and yes you definitely are, you actually sound like you don’t like your daughter very much. Maybe she picks up on that.

I understand teenagers can be difficult and entitled but I think you might be blinded to how unfair you sound when you speak about her.

It sounds more like you didn't want her to go on holiday tbh. I've read through your replies and it just doesn't seem fair. Whether she stayed in her coat or not is irrelevant she was comfortable and she was spending time with you. I think it's horrible for your daughter to feel excluded. You said she's got two holidays booked but she's all but paid for them herself bar flights for one. If you had paid for her two holidays yourself and she didn't contribute then it's understandable. Take her on the holiday with yous, there will be a time were you won't have this time with her and regret it.

She is 17, she is your daughter and this is your last opportunity for a family holiday before she leaves home to go to university. All bets are off for future holidays as she settles into her new life being a student. Do you really need to ask if it's reasonable to go (on a family holiday, no less) without her? So she's going away to celebrate freedom from school/exams etc - and it's a significant milestone for young people her age. OP, are you jealous of your daughter's opportunities for some reason?

Wow you are so mean.

My Dd is 21 and we still pay for her to come away with us, really appreciate the time she spends with us x

Can’t believe what I’ve read. Every single post from the OP seems unfair and shows a complete disregard for her daughter. You reap what you sow and she probably won’t forget this however good your relationship.

Rather shitty of you not to invite her.

This could be your last time holidaying as a complete family. I would definitely include her. Poor thing she'll feel so rejected.

Thank god you’re not my mother. I’m in my 40s and a mother myself and my parents still invite us on family holidays. If a 17 year old can’t enjoy more than one holiday in the year before uni, when can they? What a fun sponge you sound like. No wonder she’s hurt. So unreasonable. You sound jealous of her multiple holidays.

Your poor daughter. You sound horrible

Good grief OP did you not try to find out why she was always in her coat? Does she always feel cold for some reason? Does she feel she has to hide her body for some reason? And you’re laughing at her. Oh my God.

Omg - this is awful! I’m almost 40, have lived out of home since 18, and still get invited on family holidays!! Why don’t you want to spend time with your daughter??