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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
BangersAndGnash · 21/04/2025 16:17

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

Shoddy reasoning.

It was god of you to pay for flights for one of these holidays but if you meant that that was instead of including her in the family holiday you should have said so and given her the choice.

She is still 17, really mean to have just decided to have wiped her out of the family holiday.

I feel sorry for her.

Silversixpenny · 21/04/2025 16:17

FiveBarGate · 21/04/2025 16:07

I often wonder if there's a class divide with these things.

I work in a pretty middle class field and see parents paying to take their adult children on holiday.

It never occurred to me that my parents would take me once I got to an age I chose and paid for holidays myself.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but you could perhaps have communicated better. So I might apologise that she didn't understand you wouldn't pay out twice when you agreed to fund her other holiday (and perhaps ask if she'd have chosen the family holiday in preference - I'd bet she wouldn't).

That the OP comments with a clear "expectations" list which she clearly hadn't shared with her daughter, e.g the contributions from her brother, that OP is a middle class mother who sees her daughter as an extension of herself that, like a marionette, feels she has the right to pull the strings of.

No grown up parentql duscussion, e.g. "You're doing A-Levels ablnd hace a job, that's great. I've split the hpusehold chores as evenly as possible, I've assigned you x and y."

The complaint about the coat on holiday shows OP only cares about image and some unfillable expectations (which she won't share because that means loss of power/control over daughter), rather than the daughter's wellbeing.

RedHelenB · 21/04/2025 16:17

Of course you should pay for your child to go on the family holiday with you

Chellybelle · 21/04/2025 16:17

Messycoo · 21/04/2025 16:14

Your daughter needs to stop being a brat. She already has two holidays.

It's not about wanting to go on an extra holiday. It's about being excluded from family, feeling unwanted and unloved. Rejected.

lizzielizard · 21/04/2025 16:17

Your poor daughter. I feel really sad and sorry for her. Unless you add her to the trip pretty damn quickly, this could damage your relationship forever. So hurtful. Have a word with yourself!

YouBelongWithMe · 21/04/2025 16:17

I went straight to 'read all OP's posts' and, back to back, it reads like you don't like your child tbh. And she's 17, and still a CHILD.

As the mother of a 17yr old, your attitude and values baffle and sadden me. Your poor daughter.

Parker231 · 21/04/2025 16:17

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

She is a part of the family so she should be included in family holidays. DT’s are in their mid 20’s but we still have a holiday with them and their partners each year which we pay for. We enjoy their company.

PinkyFlamingo · 21/04/2025 16:18

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:24

I have a right to boundaries just like she has a right to be upset

What are you talking about? What is the issue with boundaries and your DD?

Dontcallmescarface · 21/04/2025 16:18

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:28

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

Who knew that going on a family holiday would be dependant on how much your children contribute? If 1 contributes more than the other do they get to stay more nights as clearly if there is no contribution they don't get to go at all. Ah well enjoy your daughter whilst you can OP because I doubt you'll be seeing her much (if at all), once she's at uni.

notacooldad · 21/04/2025 16:18

*Messycoo · *

Your daughter needs to stop being a brat. She already has two holidays.
This is either a sock puppet reply or someone else that resents their daughter having loads of fun while she can.

Zucker · 21/04/2025 16:19

Fast forward 10 - 15 years and the OP will be wide eyed and confused as to why her daughter doesn't talk to her.

Dontcallmescarface · 21/04/2025 16:19

notacooldad · 21/04/2025 16:18

*Messycoo · *

Your daughter needs to stop being a brat. She already has two holidays.
This is either a sock puppet reply or someone else that resents their daughter having loads of fun while she can.

I read it as sarcasm.

MsCactus · 21/04/2025 16:19

Yes she should absolutely be invited - YABU

adviceneeded1990 · 21/04/2025 16:19

OP in 15 years time… “DD 32 recently had her first baby and I feel totally excluded as she has a very distant relationship from me, what can I do to get more access to my Grandchild?”

Decisions like this make or break how your almost adult children will see you. She feels excluded and unwanted. Is she your only girl by any chance? I’d tread carefully if you want any kind of relationship with her going forward as she will always remember this level of rejection.

moleeye · 21/04/2025 16:19

Surely this is a troll, who treats their children like this

Psychoticbreak · 21/04/2025 16:20

I had a mother like you. I have spent money on therapy as a result. Awful carry on she is a child and you should not be bringing your kids on a family holiday if you are excluding one of the family.

notacooldad · 21/04/2025 16:21

*Messycoo *
Your daughter needs to stop being a brat. She already has two holidays.
This is either a sock puppet reply or someone else that resents their daughter having loads of fun while she can.

I read it as sarcasm.
Maybe, I'm not sure!
Sometimes you just can't tell!! ( well I can't, I'm not going to speak for everyone!)

Yellow2024 · 21/04/2025 16:21

You're missing the ponlint OP it's not about her having another holiday it's about being involved in the family and not being excluded. Holidays are great for bonding family's and you are going to cause a small wedge which will grow over time.

worcesterpear · 21/04/2025 16:21

17 is still really young in my eyes! However, it sounds like she's fairly independent but you should have discussed this with her, given her the opportunity to come if she wanted, I always ask my youngest even if I'm fairly certain she will say no. Can you add her to the booking? (Sorry if already said, not read the whole thread).

Smallmercies · 21/04/2025 16:22

FiveBarGate · 21/04/2025 16:07

I often wonder if there's a class divide with these things.

I work in a pretty middle class field and see parents paying to take their adult children on holiday.

It never occurred to me that my parents would take me once I got to an age I chose and paid for holidays myself.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but you could perhaps have communicated better. So I might apologise that she didn't understand you wouldn't pay out twice when you agreed to fund her other holiday (and perhaps ask if she'd have chosen the family holiday in preference - I'd bet she wouldn't).

Even working class parents have been known to love their children!

CatG021024 · 21/04/2025 16:23

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:28

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

Yeah seems like she isn't your favourite. Your responses come across like you don't want to spend time with your daughter, I'm not surprised she is upset.

BasicBrumble · 21/04/2025 16:24

I wore a jumper in the evenings on a family holiday as a teen - they still go on about it now! As to why? I was cold when it got dark! I was also very self-conscious.

You don't sound like you like her.

NeverHadHaveHas · 21/04/2025 16:24

You are being petty, and awful to her. None of the numerous responses telling you that seem to be changing your mind though so I imagine you’ll reap what you sow in terms of your relationship going forward.

PoopingAllTheWay · 21/04/2025 16:25

Wow! She’s 17

You are very unreasonable

Jeschara · 21/04/2025 16:26

I feel sorry for your daughter, you sound a mean terrible parent.

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