My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

What age are her brothers @OliveKoala? Are they older? Working full time? Can they afford to pay More than your daughter as a result?

Two brothers. Sorry, this woman's daughter, that she's been put to the back of the queue.

I often wonder if there's a class divide with these things.

I work in a pretty middle class field and see parents paying to take their adult children on holiday.

It never occurred to me that my parents would take me once I got to an age I chose and paid for holidays myself.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but you could perhaps have communicated better. So I might apologise that she didn't understand you wouldn't pay out twice when you agreed to fund her other holiday (and perhaps ask if she'd have chosen the family holiday in preference - I'd bet she wouldn't).

The daughter sounds like a lovely girl. She clearly has good friends, a nice boyfriend, a job, is studying for her A levels and has at least one university offer. She's doing great.

What exactly do you have against her?

Really unclear as to why she wouldn’t be included on the family holiday.

Fuck's sake, this is appalling. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Well I guess you’re making her position in the family clear to her.

expecting a thread in a few years “my daughter never comes to visit and I don’t understand why”

Awful mothering.

Yup.

Poor girl.

You really don’t like your poor daughter, do you. Don’t come looking for sympathy in a few years when she very sensibly goes no contact with you.

Yep, more evidence that OP is controlling her daughter, or at the very least a set game plan she expects her daughter to conform to. This isn't love it's coercion and punishment.

Hope the kid makes it out alive and remembers this when OP wants free OAP care and the inevitable guilt trip that she'll try and pull on her daughter.

Cruel and mean. Not the actions of a loving parent. Your daughter must be so hurt.

it’s about being included in a family activity. When your dd chose to spend her time in the hotel room last time she was still safe in the comfort of being with her family.

Your approach reminds me of my dm’s, making decisions for your dd based on what you think is right, and not allowing your dd’s own needs to be considered. Hopefully you don’t do this often, my dm does and we have an awful relationship.

Did you already dislike her before she committed the heinous crime of wearing a coat, or was it that that tipped the balance for you?

God, she's a kid. What kind of mother are you? Disgraceful.

Your daughter needs to stop being a brat. She already has two holidays.

Wow. I bet she can’t wait to get to uni. May even find people who tolerate coat wearing.

This is very nasty of you OP. It feels you wanted to punish her for not joining in enough on an earlier holiday (that might have been annoying but the right thing to do works be to have spoken to her and say "we aren't including you this because..." ). Asking her about her dates sounds a bit like you tricked her into assuming she was invited.

How on earth is it "unfair" that she has other holidays that she has mainly funded herself? You should be delighted that she is good at working and saving as well as studying.

my eldest has just turned 20 and still comes on the family holiday. He is welcome until he finishes uni as he's still largely dependent on us. He goes away with his girlfriend separately too - it wouldn't occur to me that this disqualified him!

Poor girl. Not only do you sound really mean, you’ve made it plain that you don’t enjoy her company.

How absolutely awful of you. Of course she should have been invited.

We've just come back from a family holiday with my 18 year old. It would not have occurred to me not to invite him. I very much enjoyed spending time as a family which is the whole fucking point of family holidays.

Eh? I went on a family holiday after my A levels in 1983. It was our first ever ‘abroad’ holiday as a family (and last…). Why wouldn’t a 17 year old want to go on holiday with the family? And why does it suggest not being ‘grown up’?

OP asks AIBU? Resounding Yes, YABU.
OP responds but... but.... but....

It's very obvious here that you don't like your DD (step DD by any chance?) and if we can see it then she can absolutely see it too. Poor girl 😔

You didn't even ask her when she's back yourself. You asked your son to ask her boyfriend 🙄

That's incredibly unreasonable of you. No wonder she's upset!!
She's having 2 holidays already... One she's paying for herself. If she's not invited on the family holiday because she is having a second holiday... so why are you only paying for her flights, when if you're "being fair" you should therefore be paying for her whole holiday?
Also, you should have discussed this with her before booking. That's horrible of you.