My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

[OliveKoala]

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

I really hope you’ve taken the comments on board and have now invited your DD. You seem unable to have communicated clearly with her about it, presumably because, “hey, you’re 17 now and working hard for basically no money but because you’ve managed to scrape together enough for a holiday with friends and the accommodation for another holiday, your reward is being uninvited from the family holiday, congratulations”.

We have, I’m sure, all had holidays with teens where they’ve preferred to hole up in the room (especially when the have a mother that can’t get enough cheesy evening entertainment) or wear stupid shit. That’s what teens do. Then, as your daughter did, they stop doing that and are lovely again.

Just add her to the booking, say you’re pleased she’s coming when you thought she might’ve not wanted to and call it done.

What?! What’s her clothing got to do with it?! Horrible parenting.

I think today is the day you wave goodbye to the relationship as you know it. I cannot fathom why you think you are in the right

Are you able to add her on now? As you’ll have seen with the poll YABU, you could still salvage this by admitting you messed up, get her added on and move on!

What do you mean your sons “contribute” more than your 17 year old eldest daughter. I assume you don’t mean in terms of paying for the holiday so you mean other things like how engaged they are with the family?

I'm assuming you're on the wind-up but on the slim chance you're not - what the fuck is wrong with you?

@OliveKoala can you expand on what you mean by the aforementioned boundaries and also your daughters contribution?

I'm fascinated and hoping that it will explain your behaviour that otherwise comes across as horrendous.

I'm so baffled @OliveKoala, what boundaries are you referring to?

Also, what do you mean when you say your sons contribute more? Are they older/working full time?

Boundaries for what?! That makes zero sense.
You know you’ve upset your daughter and you just don’t care. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t care much for you in the future.

Did you even ask her if she would like to go on a holiday with the rest of the family or did you wrongly assume she wouldn’t want a third holiday.
No way would I have excluded my DC from a family holiday at that age.
My DC have their own homes and last time we funded a family holiday for us all ,DC were 28 and 25.
I think you’re being very mean.

What’s the relevance of her choosing to wear a coat?
You sound quite strange, tbh.

So unreasonable. you should be ashamed!!!

but it doesn't sound like she was given a choice or it wouldn't have come as a surprise?

Yes you do just as long as you understand the long term consequences of this and the relationship you will have with your adult daughter.

because if you want a good relationship this isn’t the way forward.
if your idea is at 18 she becomes and adult and finds her on way in life and leaves her family behind then it is fine

I agree with most of the posters here, adult DS age 20 still at home attending uni comes away with us. Also once a year we will do a family holiday (think centre parcs) and adult DSS x 2 age 28 and 30 also come along. We pay for accommodation and they pay for any activities etc. More the merrier and I dread the day it's just the two of us! At 17 it wouldn't even feel in question that they wouldn't want to come along x

God! Your DD won the lottery with you as her mum! I do not understand your rationale at all! She’s 17 years old! Of course she should be asked on the family holiday!

In what way are they contributing more? Are they adults and earning a living? Your daughter is still at school so is still one of your dependents. She is studying for her A levels and working (presumably part-time) for low pay.

The way you talk about your daughter makes you sound as though you dislike her and are enjoying leaving her out of a family holiday. You said that she was visibly upset and you don't seem to care.

Poor kid. You don't give off vibes that you particularly like her.

Of course a 17yr old should be invited on a family holiday, regardless of what trips they have planned with friends.

Wow!

Thats all I’ve got!

You'll probably find OP has other children and feels she has to police it all, with her eldest taking the brunt. Probably tells her daughter that she spend so much money on her before sibling x arrived "so it's only faaaiiirr!" - as if this is the daughter's fault.

Good on her daughter for going her own way, hope she gets all the joy and luck a young person deserves starting out and puts her mum to the back of the queue when the inevitable demands for daughter's time and money when she needs to, "Look after me when I looked after her...". Hope daughter is permanently engaged with her own life and doing well.

You are making yourself sound very unpleasant @OliveKoala

Because daughter is growing up and no longer able to be controlled, like it's clear OP has done.

I feel very sorry for your daughter, she must feel dreadfully hurt. My adult child (20) will be invited on holiday for as long as he wishes to come, my husband and I enjoy his company.

Even more reason to have her with you on holiday. And was have 2 other trips which she funded mostly herself to do with a family trip. What’s next? As she’s going to Uni she is not included in Christmas Meals because she gets warm meals in the Uni Canteen?
if you want to make sure your child becomes a stranger swiftly than this is the way to go. What are you thinking??????