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Original poster

My 17yo daughter is upset I didn’t invite her on the annual family holiday

912 replies

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:27

Is it reasonable I did not invite my eldest 17 year old daughter on the family holiday. She has been on every previous family holiday with us however this year as she’s is finishing with Alevels she’s booked two holidays as rewards for her efforts, her first holiday has been completely self funded, where as her second holiday I offered to pay for the flights.

Due to her already having two holidays booked I thought it’d be unfair if she came on the family holiday aswell. Unless she paid for it, which I’m aware she can’t do as her job pays extremely poorly. A few months ago we had a discussion as a family about the idea of a family holiday and briefly arose the possibility of her not coming due to it overlapping with her holidays. However no further progress was made.

This morning I booked the holiday however before I booked it I did ask her when her holidays ended, so she would be back for when the family holiday happens. However this led her to believe we wanted her back so she could join us on the holiday? However this is not the case I just didn’t want our holidays to overlap for practical reasons. Now she seems visibly hurt and has argued with me calling me unreasonable?

OP posts:
obsessedwithfreshbread · 21/04/2025 15:34

My DSD is the same age and is going on 2 holidays with friends(partly funded my us) but we’re still taking her on holiday in the summer as who knows if she’ll want to go with us again (although she loves holidays so no doubt she’ll still come in uni years too)

we’ve had the holiday you described with the coat and staying in the hotel, but would never dream of excluding her or my other DSC for it.. it’s part of the joy of raising teenagers 🙄!

@OliveKoalawhy don’t you like your own daughter?

Mama1980 · 21/04/2025 15:34

Madness. Of course YABU.
My 17 is probably going to end up having 4 holidays this year 2 with me 2 with friends never occurred to me for a second not to invite nsd pay for him, I still offer my eldest daughter whose married with a baby - sometimes they come sometimes they don’t but I always offer.

2024onwardsandup · 21/04/2025 15:34

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:24

I have a right to boundaries just like she has a right to be upset

What you are doing is not a boundary

redphonecase · 21/04/2025 15:41

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:24

I have a right to boundaries just like she has a right to be upset

Of course you do. She also has a right not to want to see you much when she's an adult and unless you want that to be the case, you might want to apologise and add her to the booking.....

Niallig32839 · 21/04/2025 15:43

It seems mean to not invite her and if you’re in a position to help her afford to come to not offer to do this. As she’s off to uni and moving more to living an independent adult life this might be the last time she would want to come on a family holiday with you and you have said no to her. You might regret that choice

Mumontherunn · 21/04/2025 15:45

Wow that’s just so mean. You’ve made her feel like she isn’t important, just before she heads off to uni. You should be holding her close not pushing her away

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 21/04/2025 15:46

You booked it without even asking her?

VisitationRights · 21/04/2025 15:48

You sound openly hostile to your child.

waterrat · 21/04/2025 15:48

for me Op this would be about connection. If my child wanted to come at this age - still a young person, still a teenager, really still a child - I would facilitate even if they might be annoying.

Vitrolinsanity · 21/04/2025 15:48

This is going to be a pile on, but I’ve got a DS in the same position. He is definitely, and will always be, invited on family holidays.

PurpleTinsel555 · 21/04/2025 15:48

Just… WTF.

MammaFifi · 21/04/2025 15:48

You're just mean and dislike your daughter. In a few years you'll be back whinging about her not being in contact with you.
Your whole tone radiates deep unpleasantness as a human.

101Nutella · 21/04/2025 15:49

Is this coz you are having less holidays than her? Has it made you a bit cross?

I think you’ve been really mean here. A family holiday isn’t that if you don’t invite her. To make it even you’d have to pay flights and accommodation on her other one, plus all her food and activities (if that’s what you normally fund on family trips).

you’re not holding a boundary- you’ve got flawed logic, possibly with some jealousy thrown in. And your daughter is upset as you’re financially rewarding your other children…unless the cost of her flights was the same you’d pay per child on the family holiday? Which you could explain to her.

waterrat · 21/04/2025 15:49

also the concept of boundaries is slightly odd between adult parent and a dependent child. She is your responsibility and you love her - and care for her. It's not like she is an adult friend who messed you around.

FlyingUnicornWings · 21/04/2025 15:50

Your poor daughter 😢

Riaanna · 21/04/2025 15:50

Of course YABU.

Blueblell · 21/04/2025 15:51

I think you should invite her - one day she won’t be able to come and you will wish she could. Yes she is lucky she has other holidays presumably with friends but she it’s her last year at school and the end of A-levels. It’s her time

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 21/04/2025 15:52

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 14:41

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.

Well she obviously disagrees. She will never forget this op and I wouldn't be surprised if this negatively affects your relationship for a long time. I don't know how you can enjoy your holiday knowing your DD is at home upset and missing out

thestudio · 21/04/2025 15:52

OliveKoala · 21/04/2025 15:28

I have two sons, I do not have a favourite child. They just contribute more than her!

What does that even mean?! She's 17, still very very much a child, nowhere near developmental maturity.

If your daughter is distant with you it will be because you've already shown her you don't value her one way or another - not the other way round.

You sound like a cold and uncaring parent who doesn't understand how children's minds work in the slightest.

And I say that as a parent who has made more than her share of mistakes.

LittleMonks11 · 21/04/2025 15:52

Urgh. Your poor girl.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 21/04/2025 15:53

You sound like you just don't like her. Being excited about holidays with friends when you are on the cusp of adulthood, finishing school and about to go to university is normal. Being a bit self- absorbed during A levels is normal. Having a mother who either doesn't like you or is punishing you for whatever perceived slight sounds both sad and exhausting.

Omgggggreally · 21/04/2025 15:53

That's really mean of you OP.

The fact she's got two other holidays booked is irrelevant.

You say you haven't got a favourite child, actually you're favouring the others over her. It wouldn't surprise me if your daughter distanced herself from you now.

It concerns me that in all your replies you're making excuses instead of viewing it from her side.

StampOnTheGround · 21/04/2025 15:54

She’s only 17 - your poor daughter

HolidayHappy123 · 21/04/2025 15:54

Teenagers are often thoughtless and I can see why it would not have occurred to her that booking 2 other holidays meant that she would not be included in the family holiday. It was your responsibility as her parent to spell that out to her if that is your view.

That said, if you can afford it, and irrespective of her other holidays, why would you not want to spend quality time with your DD before she leaves for university? You sound like you don’t particularly like her or want to spend time with her. I can’t imagine not wanting my DC to come on holiday with me even if that meant saying no to paying for a separate holiday with friends.

notacooldad · 21/04/2025 15:55

It’s not that I can’t fund it . I just think she doesn’t need to go on the family holiday if she already has two other holidays booked.
Blimey ds1 is going on a week trip golfing to Portugal and and back few days and then trekking in the Atlas mountains for a couple of weeks. He is coming on our family holiday to France. He is 28 and his brother who is currently on holiday in Italy is also coming
They have offered to pay. I'm treating them.
Why wouldn't I, I can afford it and it's nice going to our old family places.
Op, I'm sorry but you found both awful and ridiculous. I would be pleased if my teen ws getting to go away like her.