Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Holidays

Use our Travel forum for recommendations on everything from day trips to the best family-friendly holiday destinations.

Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
Itwasamemo3 · 30/10/2023 23:31

peenaction · 30/10/2023 22:12

I happily waved my husband off on a 12 week climb in the Himalayas

I'd have happily waved my ex husband off on a 12 week climb in the Himalayas, and I'd have moved house while he was away and not left a forwarding address.

Each to their own. Husband had a fabulous time , I really wasn’t bothered and the children were fine! Cannot understand why you would be so concerned.I don’t rely on my husband for my protection and he is a great Dad .
youngest child is on a post grad job in Vancouver and spoke to his Dad about what Skiis to buy this evening. Our family are a very happy family and the children are level headed including me 😊

FrenchieMam · 31/10/2023 00:46

I feel guilty leaving my 12 & 15 year olds all day Saturday to go watch the rugby followed by a concert in town. I've only left them a handful of times overnight over the years and they miss me just as much as I miss them. I can't imagine leaving them for 9 weeks. Why can't you wait until they're older (college years) to fulfill your dreams of travelling?

LouHey · 31/10/2023 04:53

How much extra work will your husband be needing to do while you're away?

notahappybunny7 · 31/10/2023 07:15

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 22:17

No not to thick. I just can't believe how many parents on here have raised children that can't cope with life.

Show quote history

Life generally doesn’t mean a parent that can’t wait to get away from you and I’ve you’ve raised your child, to not care if you’re there or not at 11 and 13, that’s really not something to be proud of.

Angrycat2768 · 31/10/2023 07:22

Can you not go away for 4 weeks somewhere you feel you can 'do' in 4 weeks? I wouldn't leave my 13 year old for 9 weeks. Why can't the 9 week trip wait for a few years until the youngest is 16?

QueenofTerrasen · 31/10/2023 07:28

Mine are 7 and 9 and I couldn't imagine being away from them for 9 weeks - way too long. When they're older, sure.

Josell12345 · 31/10/2023 07:42

My dad worked away when I was young. 1st time 2 6 week stints and i hated every second of it. Then changed to 2 weeks rotation. I abs hated it, was so sad when he was away. I dont think its ideal and I dont agree that theyll get over it. Some kids wont mind but the majority will. It also depends on the dynamics- how their relationship works with each parent. Anyone who is happy to naff off for 9 weeks leaving young teens might have been doing similar for shorter times all along. Its a bit bloody weird anyway. My 13 yr old grand daughter doesnt even like her mam away for a weekend but her dad a week or so is fine.

K9WessexGirl · 31/10/2023 08:29

I personally think you should wait another five years or so before fulfilling your dream of a trip like that. Your children need their mum.

Lentilweaver · 31/10/2023 08:34

In five years, her DC will be doing A levels and GCSEs

peenaction · 31/10/2023 08:43

Itwasamemo3 · 30/10/2023 23:31

Each to their own. Husband had a fabulous time , I really wasn’t bothered and the children were fine! Cannot understand why you would be so concerned.I don’t rely on my husband for my protection and he is a great Dad .
youngest child is on a post grad job in Vancouver and spoke to his Dad about what Skiis to buy this evening. Our family are a very happy family and the children are level headed including me 😊

Show quote history

I think you might have misunderstood me. The only thing that would have bothered me was the prospect of him returning. I'd have been wholeheartedly delighted if he'd died on a mountain in the Himalayas. 12 weeks would have been nowhere near long enough for him to be away.

Fortunately the OP's husband doesn't seem to feel this way about her.

Angrycat2768 · 31/10/2023 08:50

Lentilweaver · 31/10/2023 08:34

In five years, her DC will be doing A levels and GCSEs

But there is a time after that when the older one may be at uni/ an adult and the younger one woukd have finished GCSES. Again, no time is ideal but better when they are more independent and they have their father to chuck dinner on etc.

Anastacia22 · 31/10/2023 09:38

Good morning

To be honest there is no need for the rude replies in this post. Her kids are 11 and 13. They are not babies and I,m sure her husband can look after those kids. GOD for bid what if she was no more ? Will their father not look after them. If this woman needs some time away especially if her kids have no issue with it then where is the problem. If he was the one travelling then I am sure no one will say he is selfish. Isn't he a parent too. Why does it always have to be the mothers. Is she not a human being ?
My advice is please do not feel guilty about your travel. If your husband is not happy down to his selfish reasons then thats his problem. Your kids are no longer babies and at that age they should be able to look after themselves with the guidance of an adult at home. At that age some Walk to school, take care of their personal hygiene and even know their way around the kitchen; so do not know why 9 weeks away will cause a problem. If travelling away for a few weeks will help you psychologically then please go because it better to have a mum around her kids who is psychologically fit than a mum who is not psychologically fit thinking the world is against her. All those who left negative comments in this thread should go and get a life. There is more to life that raising kids as you too have a life to live. She carried them for 9 months and has managed to raise then up to their current ages. She now wants a break away for a fee weeks and it's a problem. My mum use to travel for work sometimes 3 to 4 months and my dad use to look after us. They both travelled for work and pleasure and nothing happened to us. We are all adults now so here travelling for 9 weeks is not the end of the world. I am sure she would love her family to be with her however she also deserves some time alone. Ladies never neglect yourself because you have children if not you will be miserable and that will affect your wellbeing. Never feel guilty for anything you do as long as your kids are well looked after. There is nothing selfish about that

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 09:42

@Anastacia22 I can’t imagine a thread where the poster is saying her DH is planning a nine week jolly in Australia and NZ to find himself would have any support for the DH. Not because the children would be traumatised but because he is being selfish.

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2023 09:43

Agree!

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2023 09:45

Agree with Anastasia but then my teens are properly pissing me off this week so a 9 week jaunt sounds great. Most of us do far too much for these kids.

Anastacia22 · 31/10/2023 09:45

Hmm and what if she was no more. Would he not continue to look after his kids. We are talking of 11 and 13 year old here. I guess it depends how independent you choose to raise your kids. At 11 & 13; I could wash, walk to school alone and only needed an adult to be home. Having kids is not the end of the world. If you dnt have a life then know others do. Both of my parents travelled for pleasure and work. Are we their kids not still alive and grew to be independent. How are you raising your kids especially in Britain here were a 16 year old would wait for her mum to cook her breakfast and clean her room. Absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful. Who are you to judge her as a mother just because she wants to travel away for 9 weeks. Are you sure you are a better mum than here because you've chosen to be a housewife and not even think of your sanity. Bully

Comedycook · 31/10/2023 09:56

At 11 & 13; I could wash, walk to school alone and only needed an adult to be home

At age 11, parenting is much more than just being at home. Even if they're reasonably independent, they need their parents to assist this independence, help them make decisions, for emotional support, for a whole variety of things. It's sad that so many posters on here are in competition as to who can be the most absent, disinterested, selfish parent.... because it proves what an amazing, life you have full of freedom despite having kids.

Seriously, if you wanted to live your life entirely unencumbered by the burden of children then the best choice would be not to have them. Then you can travel, work and have whatever adventures you want. Being childfree is an absolutely valid choice.

erlangshen · 31/10/2023 10:03

I did this for two months between jobs and I can understand yes, this is the only opportunity you can take such a long holiday, but I did it before marriage and kids on purpose because I know I wouldnt be able to do it again once I have a family. Having a family means responsibility, being adults / parents we have to make certain sacrifices including long holidays like this.

I dont think there will be much of a damage to the kids but there will be a lot of pressure on your DH. My DH just went abroad for work for about a week, I managed ok with our two kids just by myself but of course its not the same as if he was here. I couldnt imagine him going away for a holiday just by himself.

Its totally fine if you have a weekens trip with friends from time to time but two months are just too long.

notahappybunny7 · 31/10/2023 10:15

Lentilweaver · 31/10/2023 08:34

In five years, her DC will be doing A levels and GCSEs

So? To consider this trip let’s not pretend she’s a great level of support to these kids.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 31/10/2023 10:36

As far as I'm concerned it only qualifies as 'abandonment' if you have no intention of going back.

Lentilweaver · 31/10/2023 10:55

notahappybunny7 · 31/10/2023 10:15

So? To consider this trip let’s not pretend she’s a great level of support to these kids.

Show quote history

Vile. The OP has long left, so your pointless bullying is wasted. You win Parent of the Year.

What a sanctimonious thread. I find it sad that so many men and women apparently can't go anywhere by themselves for 18 years. I am not supporting a 9 week trip, but on this thread even going anywhere for a week is deeply selfish, apparently. Leaving your kids even for a day- a DAY¬!- makes the mums on this thread feel guilty. Fine if that works for you. It doesn't work for everyone.

My mum lives in another country thousands of miles away. I am glad she kept her interests and friends alive, so she doesnt' spend all day moaning about how much she misses me. I am in the empty nest stage, and I am very glad I didn't make my children my life, because they are off living their own lives, and I am living mine. They would hate it if I mithered on about how much I miss them because they didn't come home from uni for a week.

FiestyGemini · 31/10/2023 11:22

I don't think it will be damaging, but what an experience if you took them for 6 weeks in the holidays its a great way to encourage them to travel. Unless they don't want to join you?

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 11:33

Angrycat2768 · 31/10/2023 07:22

Can you not go away for 4 weeks somewhere you feel you can 'do' in 4 weeks? I wouldn't leave my 13 year old for 9 weeks. Why can't the 9 week trip wait for a few years until the youngest is 16?

@Angrycat2768

why can’t it wait a few years?

cos we could all die tomorrow. Op could get ill. It might not be possible with the kind of job she’s going to get. All sorts of reasons why we shouldn’t wait for this stuff.

tomorrow is never guaranteed

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2023 11:35

notahappybunny7 · 31/10/2023 10:15

So? To consider this trip let’s not pretend she’s a great level of support to these kids.

Show quote history

@notahappybunny7

she sounds like a great mum to me

perhaps you would be a happier bunny if you took some time for yourself and reconnected with your interests and hobbies as well as being a mum.

Lentilweaver · 31/10/2023 11:39

There;'s another active thread with a mum not wanting her Dh to go away for 4 days-!- because she has not had a day off for a year, and I want to say "Take a day off lady!". I don't understand what martyring yourself achieves. Perhaps 9 weeks off is extreme, but so is never taking a day off!

My DC are young adults now, and believe me, they want their parents to have a life. They have deep contempt for parents who are glued to their DC. It's not being disinterested to take some time for yourself. As long as they are not doing their GCSEs! ( that's a difficult time).

Swipe left for the next trending thread