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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
Pepsi2001 · 29/10/2023 20:26

Think you are being unrealistic really. Your children will most certainly miss you . Everyone is different but I couldn't do this.

Mumkins42 · 29/10/2023 20:29

I'd be really hurt by this at their age. I understand why your husband is struggling with the idea too tbh.

Can you just hold off a few more years. In the meantime go somewhere that's on the list for 3 weeks? 3 weeks is long enough to feel like you're really getting away without being too long away from your loved ones

sunshinestar1986 · 29/10/2023 20:31

Just do it
They'll be absolutely fine
Face time and ohone calls
I left my daughter with my sister for 2 summers in a row
She loved it
Yes occasionally she missed me and our usual routine but summer finishes

greenbeansnspinach · 29/10/2023 20:38

It’s the blink of an eye. You’ll be in touch the whole time and able to be home in a crisis. If they are well adjusted happy kids they will be fine, and as for being psychologically damaged really they won’t.

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2023 20:40

TravelBugMum · YESTERDAY!!!!13:05
Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

The OP won't be back. She has answered. SHE ISN'T GOING TO GO. Yet.

WHY won't people RTFT!!!

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 20:40

@sunshinestar1986 why did you leave your daughter with your sister over the summer, was that so you could have a long summer holiday without her?

myfaceismyown · 29/10/2023 20:43

I was in hospital for 3 months when my DCs were 11 and 15. They have forgotten I was away that long.
Hope this helps!

EatSleepFlyRepeat · 29/10/2023 21:04

Absolutely not selfish at all - I travelled away on my own often and with the father of my children being happy for me to do so, I’ve actually just come back from 10 days in Colombia, had a great time and am ready to going back to being mum again, but a much more rested and relaxed version of myself - happier and able to be a better mum now that I’ve reconnected with myself and satisfied my wanderlust… appreciate that 9 weeks is a long time, but they won’t be scarred for life… mine have turned out pretty well so far! When my children were younger we had a big map of the world on the wall and I would send them postcards from countries I’d been to with quizzes on the postcards so they could learn a bit about different places… your partner does need to be onboard though, but it absolutely shouldn’t be a matter of ‘letting you go’ it should be a case of ‘how can I support you to fulfil your dream’

momonpurpose · 29/10/2023 21:04

No way would I do this. I'd wait till the kids were on off school and take them

savethatkitty · 29/10/2023 21:06

Jesus wept. They will not be psychologically damaged. If you have the opportunity, do it! It is not selfish to do something for yourself every now & then.

PinkRoses1245 · 29/10/2023 21:07

You won’t damage them but I’d want to do a big trip with my family, not on my own. I think they’ll be sad to be left behind

Spinninggyro · 29/10/2023 21:09

Forces families cope with long separations when parents are on duty overseas. These children are old enough to understand but I would probably promise a trip somewhere really interesting as a family in the next couple of years.

Goodornot · 29/10/2023 21:10

MamaGhina · 28/10/2023 12:44

psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them huge overreaction, he just doesn’t want to be left to do the parenting alone for 9 weeks.

Very well. When does he get to go away for 9 weeks alone and spend a vast sum of family money on himself leaving her with the parenting.

I think once you have children you can't just opt out for 2 months.

Hmm1234 · 29/10/2023 21:13

Why do you think you get to disappear as a mother for 9 weeks that’s crazy. Four weeks is enough to travel or are you having a mid life crisis!?

Grace121 · 29/10/2023 21:24

If it were me I would compromise and say to my husband. Ok I won't go for 9 weeks that is taking the p*ss I realise that.
So what I will do is book to go for 5-6 weeks during the summer holidays and take my children with me give them the holiday of a lifetime too.
I would ask husband would he like to join us even if he did just 2 weeks because of working and not being able to get that much leave!

As for your children if my mum or dad did that when I was their age. I would be really upset that my parent is HAPPY to go away for 9 weeks of fun not for work or a family emergency of a relative living in another country. And one not even considered taking me and my sibling away with them. I would think my parent was selfish.

So yes 9 weeks is great to go away and do something you have longed to do. But can't it wait till your children are adults? If not why can't they go with you in 6 weeks hols??

At the moment with the age of your children it is a little selfish. There is definitely room for compromise where all can be happy.

Your a parent it's full a time unpaid job For life. 😊

Danielle9891 · 29/10/2023 21:25

I travelled around Australia and New Zealand but that was before I had kids. I knew I wanted to travel so I had kids when I was in my 30s and travelled in my 20s.

Why don't you save up more (they are really expensive countries) and travel as a family during the summer holidays? Hostels do family rooms or you could camp. The campsites are super clean there. I personally would feel like my mam abandoned me if she went travelling for months when I was a teen.

You could also wait 8-10 years or so. Hostels in Australia aren't just for younger adults. I frequently met couples or single travellers in their 60-80s in hostels (mainly YHA ones) I met one German lady who was 86 and decided to travel at 84 when she lost her husband.

BurbageBrook · 29/10/2023 21:26

Yes I think you are very selfish to do this to an 11 and 13 year old.

BurbageBrook · 29/10/2023 21:29

@raindropbox Perfectly put. Absolutely.

fukkingthreadworms · 29/10/2023 21:33

Why can't you do three weeks over AUZ and NZ then go back home and go away for a couple of weeks with the kids

Puddleduck123456 · 29/10/2023 21:35

Completely depends on the needs and personalities of the children. My now 12yr old is very outgoing and confident but struggles to go to her dad's for 2 days without seeing me (they have a great relationship so nothing to do with not wanting to be with him) but my quiet and reserved 17yr old could have been left at 11 years for me to go travelling if I really needed to.

sunshinestar1986 · 29/10/2023 21:44

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 20:40

@sunshinestar1986 why did you leave your daughter with your sister over the summer, was that so you could have a long summer holiday without her?

Yes basically, I was a single mum so my daughter liked spending time with her cousins but also it made my life easier as I could work/travel etc without worry, she's a teenager now so life is easier in general, she was 8 and 9 when I left her with my sis

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/10/2023 22:53

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · Today 13:53
**
There's no need to exaggerate. I still maintain not many people would view an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old as young children, assuming no SEN or similar factors”

I’m not exaggerating. Most people now live for 80 plus years. 11 is young. Most 11 year olds very much need their mum close at hand, whatever you’d like to tell yourself. 13 year olds even more so.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/10/2023 22:58

sunshinestar1986 · Today 20:31

Just do it
They'll be absolutely fine
Face time and ohone calls
I left my daughter with my sister for 2 summers in a row
She loved it
Yes occasionally she missed me and our usual routine but summer finishes””

🤯

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/10/2023 23:00

Hmm1234 · Today 21:13
**
Why do you think you get to disappear as a mother for 9 weeks that’s crazy. Four weeks is enough to travel or are you having a mid life crisis!? “

Quite. Why did I waste so many words? It’s just not on.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/10/2023 00:04

This isn't something that I would have ever wanted to do, personally - I wouldn't have chosen to be away from my dc for so long. However, dh has had long periods away for various reasons, and dd has been completely fine, so I think it can be managed for the kids if necessary.

The issue here is that your DH is not supportive of you going away for such a long time. That is his prerogative, and as long as he doesn't disappear for weeks on end himself, I don't think he is at all unreasonable in saying that he doesn't support this.

If he and your kids were all completely on board with the idea, then I'd say cracking on and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. But as he isn't in favour of an extended absence, it would be incredibly selfish to pursue the idea.