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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:48

BTW-does anyone have a view on Professor Brian Cox's trips

princesscharming23 · 30/10/2023 15:13

As you asked for our opinion I will give you it... yes I think you are being extremely selfish, and a bad parent even thinking of doing it. You chose to have children so raise them into adults and then maybe consider doing your dream travelling when they are adults. If you have so many dreams and ambitions you should have thought very hard about having a family and if it was something you wanted when it arose. 🤔 how can you even think about leaving your children for 9 weeks, I'd be a blubbering mess let alone what the kids would be feeling throughout that time. Even your husband actually you have commitments right niw yiu cant just up and leave as if your a single person ., ... I was left quite often as a child, most was for 1 week at a time and I had huge separation anxiety and as an adult had to fix this... so yes it can damage them psychologically . I wouldn't even leave my kids for more than 2 days max. But that's me Nd it would hVe to be for a pretty good cause.

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 15:20

Did someone say there was no bullying...?

Lentilweaver · 30/10/2023 15:33

Bad bad parent. That's OP told.

Shoot me if I ever ask for parenting advice on MN. Meanwhile, I am planning my next trip away and shock, horror-it's for more than two days! It's a whole month. Course mine are much older, but I did the same when they were younger.

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/10/2023 16:05

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 11:05

@Gcsunnyside23 "I would be fuming if my husband told me he was going for 9 weeks and leaving me with everything."
I would too. But if we discussed it as a family and came to a joint decision that he could go, then that would be fine.

Yeah that's what I meant, if we discussed it as a family and it was jointly decided which I would if kids were older but at the current stage ops kids are at it'd be a firm no from me as it would be too much and I'd resent him. But family circumstances play into it too, is there a lot of family help? How many after school clubs do the kids need ferried back and forth to? Work situation compatible with being a solo parent?

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 30/10/2023 18:10

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:29

Can't tell you how angry I am that the OP has been bullied by strangers into abandoning her plan...

Likewise.

NaughtyNic2811 · 30/10/2023 19:20

Could you not go for 6 weeks and they fly over and spend the last 3 weeks with you?

RohanDavidson · 30/10/2023 19:21

I don't really have a good answer beyond the one below (I am male, partner is female).

If my missus asked for this, I wouldn't stand in the way - but there would definitely be caveats (regular video chats with the kids etc).

If I asked my missus for this, I would expect to be called selfish. Frankly I wouldn't ask for it, because nine weeks does seem like a long time.

MrPickles73 · 30/10/2023 19:30

I don't think they will be psychologically damaged.. your husband just does not want to solo parent for 9 weeks.. How about a compromise? 6 or 7 weeks?

Roxydenn · 30/10/2023 19:32

Why would you EVER want to leave your children for 9 weeks???? I can't imagine my mother telling me she wants to go away and have fun without us for over 2 months 😢 I wouldn't ever feel the same about her again.

Bribear021 · 30/10/2023 19:35

I don't think it's selfish exactly. I do agree it's a long time away and I'm not sure I would do 9 weeks at one time. I definitely wouldn't go if the children were like 6 or 7 but I think 11 and 13 year olds could understand why you want to go. From the age of 10, I use to go visit my aunt states away for several months in the summer without my parents. As long as you're calling, facetiming, etc. I think your kids will be fine. I actually asked my husband what he thought and his words were "we don't get much opportunity to travel so if that opportunity presented itself, I would 100% tell you that you should go." I can, however, see why your husband would feel it is selfish because while you are traveling, he's having to care and maintain the house and kids alone.

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 19:38

Just as well most of you aren't forces families, parents away for up to 9 months of the year, often in conflict zones.
Go and enjoy the 9 weeks. We have face time and Whatsapp these days, it's not as if you can only send a postcard once a week.

NikNak321 · 30/10/2023 19:40

9 weeks will only feel 9 weeks for you...but an eternity to your kids. So yes it will affect them...even more so if your primary carer. Me personally I think it's not the right time. I'd wait 5 years. If my hubby announced this as a serious intention, his wings would get more than a clipping 🤣😳.

I travelled when I was young multiple times. I yearn to again, but my time will come in the future again when my kids are older. In the meantime I will enjoy holidays etc as part of the family and probably travel a little with them when they are your kids ages. If this is something you must do take the 4 weeks...it's plenty if you thrash it. I only stayed 2-4 days in one place when I travelled 👍. I longest I have managed is 7 weeks at 19 and started to long for my home ...and that's before kids 👍

Joyjoy90 · 30/10/2023 19:46

If my husband told me he was off on holiday for 9 weeks I'd go ballistic. And we wouldn't still be married when he got back if he still decided to go. Are you kidding?!
Also not the same as people of who travel for work because they have to or are deployed. That's something you take on as a family for the greater good. This is you having a midlife crisis!

Sometimesharshbutalwaysfair · 30/10/2023 19:57

Too long, wait and do it properly....

How are you and DH generally? Most people would want to share a trip like that......

peenaction · 30/10/2023 20:02

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 30/10/2023 18:10

Likewise.

Show quote history

Bullied by strangers? OP doesn't sound like someone who'd let a bunch of strangers on MN bully her into anything. It sounds more likely that she has just seen sense.

There are some extraordinarily selfish people on this thread, but the OP isn't one of them, given that she's not going now.

SpendingTooLongThinkingOfAUsername · 30/10/2023 20:10

I think it's very selfish. I can't imagine how any parent can think that children won't feel like they are just a inconvenience to their mum or dad who just wants to live as though they have no family for 2 months. I'm really shocked by any replies that think it's ok to treat children like this.

As for people who say their dad worked away in the navy etc and they weren't damaged by it, that's a totally different scenario... Your parent went away to work, not for a 9 week jolly shirking any parental responsibility. If you really want to do it, take them with you and go in the 6 weeks holidays. Or wait until they are grown up.

fairymary87 · 30/10/2023 20:51

11 and 13, they still need you

Earthgirl397 · 30/10/2023 21:07

You've got a tremendous opportunity there, I'd say go for it.
I long for time away from my partner and children. The daily grind is completely overwhelming and after 9 weeks away from this you will feel like a new person. Best wishes and have the best escape time.

notahappybunny7 · 30/10/2023 21:15

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 19:38

Just as well most of you aren't forces families, parents away for up to 9 months of the year, often in conflict zones.
Go and enjoy the 9 weeks. We have face time and Whatsapp these days, it's not as if you can only send a postcard once a week.

Yet someone else too thick to grasp the difference between work and a jolly.

Itwasamemo3 · 30/10/2023 21:19

Kgiggl3s · 30/10/2023 08:49

To all the people saying this is an OK thing to do.... I'd love to read your responses if OP send husband wanted to do this 🤣🤣 something tells me MN wouldn't support that...

I happily waved my husband off on a 12 week climb in the Himalayas. My children were early teens , they really didn’t worry and actually thought it was a cool thing for Dad to do .

peenaction · 30/10/2023 22:12

I happily waved my husband off on a 12 week climb in the Himalayas

I'd have happily waved my ex husband off on a 12 week climb in the Himalayas, and I'd have moved house while he was away and not left a forwarding address.

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 22:17

notahappybunny7 · 30/10/2023 21:15

Yet someone else too thick to grasp the difference between work and a jolly.

Show quote history

No not to thick. I just can't believe how many parents on here have raised children that can't cope with life.

crumblingschools · 30/10/2023 22:20

I’m sure some children are impacted by being forces’ children.

Blueink · 30/10/2023 23:29

MrPickles73 · 30/10/2023 19:30

I don't think they will be psychologically damaged.. your husband just does not want to solo parent for 9 weeks.. How about a compromise? 6 or 7 weeks?

DH suggested 4 weeks as a compromise (not 6 or 7), but OP didn’t want to…

Also think it depends a lot on the family dynamics as to how it would work for the DC.

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