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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
Shanda5 · 30/10/2023 07:03

This is absurd. Your family should come first. Wait until the youngest is 16 or break it up in to shorter chunks at bare mumimum.

ZsaZsaTheCat · 30/10/2023 07:45

What about all the so called ‘adventurers’ on the TV , Ben Fogle and the like who go away abroad and are absent from their kids for ages ? Is it because they make a lucrative income from these sort of ‘ adventures’ that the absence is acceptable? If the OP came back and wrote a book about it all would it somehow be acceptable? Just wondering 🤔

Brutalass · 30/10/2023 08:28

It is a long time. Personally I absolutely couldn't leave children so young. Once they're 18 it's a different story.

You are being selfish.

Greenly3 · 30/10/2023 08:45

Go for it ! 9 weeks will pale into insignificance in the future! You deserve it

Kgiggl3s · 30/10/2023 08:49

To all the people saying this is an OK thing to do.... I'd love to read your responses if OP send husband wanted to do this 🤣🤣 something tells me MN wouldn't support that...

Timeforchangeithink · 30/10/2023 08:50

I clearly remember my DM being inhospital for 3 weeks when I was a child. I would rather have known she was away on a holiday for triple that time!

Lifechange2020 · 30/10/2023 08:51

I would do 6 weeks in Australia in the Summer holidays with kids. Then you continue on to NZ for 3/4 weeks alone. Husband can stay home if doesn’t want to go.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/10/2023 08:52

I find it strange that this even crossed your mind tbh, it shows a sort of detachment from your kids that's a bit sad.

The thought of being away from my dd for two months makes me feel sick and she's an older teen now! I would miss her too much and the guilt at not being there if she needed be overwhelming.

That said I'm a single parent so maybe the dynamic is different.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2023 08:53

ZsaZsaTheCat · 30/10/2023 07:45

What about all the so called ‘adventurers’ on the TV , Ben Fogle and the like who go away abroad and are absent from their kids for ages ? Is it because they make a lucrative income from these sort of ‘ adventures’ that the absence is acceptable? If the OP came back and wrote a book about it all would it somehow be acceptable? Just wondering 🤔

There two things here. 1. Yes it is work and not a jolly. It pays hugely towards their lives and no doubt whatever help the at home parent wants to buy in. Op hasn't mentioned how she's wording it only that she's quit her job and wants a two month holiday alone. Entirely different to her getting a job abroad for two months to bring on significant money.

  1. I love Gorgon Beucannon but I wouldn't want to have a family with him knowing he'll bugger off to the Arctic to state at polar bears for months on end. I similarly wouldn't have a family with someone in the army or who worked on the oil rigs or out on Dubai for months on end. Personal choice. One Ben Fogels wife got to make. One ops DH isn't getting to make if OP goes against his wishes
AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 30/10/2023 09:24

I don't think its wrong or selfish to go, at the age they are now. I also think your DH is being a lazy bastard for not wanting to look after them alone, they aren't toddlers and wont take much looking after. I'm sure he wouldn't object to you having them alone if you were proposing to take them with you. He is also being selfish for not wanting to come to a compromise and go with you - you say he has no interest.

But, its a bit of a once in a lifetime trip, is there a reason you want to go alone / can't go for 6 weeks and all go in the summer holidays?

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/10/2023 10:29

11 and 13 year olds “don’t take much looking after”?
Bloody hell, read it all now. 🤣🤣🤣

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/10/2023 10:49

I wouldn't go that long at this age, when they are around 18 yeah but not this stage and I have kids similar age, I'm also very relaxed in the sense I believe we should all have a life and dreams outside of our children and family.
I think it's also only ok if your husband is fully on board.
Anyone commenting on parents that work away I don't think is comparable as you are willing going on a jolly not to work for the family. I think that's also where resentment from your family could come from.
I would be fuming if my husband told me he was going for 9 weeks and leaving me with everything. I'd probably tell him not to come home. If it was later in life and kids were older I wouldn't mind as much

DiklaNadju · 30/10/2023 10:49

Already resigned from your job of 20 years….
I assume you are overwhelmed with everything and for the sake of mental health you just want to fly away to recharge/think.
You have not said anything about finances
Be honest about your reasons. Life is hard

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 11:05

@Gcsunnyside23 "I would be fuming if my husband told me he was going for 9 weeks and leaving me with everything."
I would too. But if we discussed it as a family and came to a joint decision that he could go, then that would be fine.

BlondieLady · 30/10/2023 11:17

Watch the relief on their faces when you tell them you're not going...

Cordeliathecat · 30/10/2023 11:41

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:01

And you'd be ok with your DH quitting work and swanning off on an expensive jolly for two months whilst you dealt with it all?
Plus the hypothetical response of your child means nothing compared to the RL response of OPs children.

Show quote history

Absolutely I’d be fine with my DH doing it if the opportunity presented itself.

I asked my DH if he would mind if I did it and he said of course not, it’s only a little over half a term of school.

But as a family we all respect each other’s independent lives as well as loving to spend time together. My DH takes trips with his friends every year, as do I with my friends. We also go away as a couple every year, leaving the kids behind. The kids go away with their friends or with school every year leaving us behind. And we also love our family holidays.

I don’t think that my kids need me to be by their side 24/7. I have raised them to be able to cope without me just fine.

Devora13 · 30/10/2023 11:43

I think this is probably a good time to do it, pre GCSE years. The alternative is when they are young adults I guess. It depends on your children, you know best how it might impact on them, not somebody else. As others have said, it's so much easier to keep in touch these days.
I take it those who have given negative comments thoroughly disapprove of any parent who takes part in shows such SAS Who Dares Wins, I'm A Celebrity etc, and refuses to watch such shows on principle?

Cordeliathecat · 30/10/2023 11:52

Catherineisgreat · 28/10/2023 19:13

I can’t believe the majority of responses on this thread. Such, judgement, anger, bitterness being thrown at the OP. And yes I have RTFT. I lost count of how many pp called the OP selfish, then there was the possibility of developing PTSD and a personality disorder! Just shows what happens to women who step out of the lines of social conformity. Such a total lack of understanding and empathy, that we are all different and have different needs. And no, I don’t think you have to place this all on hold until they go to uni.

So many posters saying “but why not take them?” Isn’t the point to get away and be an individual for a while? So many accusations of being selfish. The origins of the word selfish, mean “caring for the self”. I have been a therapist for 20 years and support my clients in developing their ability to care for themselves.

A child with a secure attachment to their parent is unlikely to be psychologically damaged by this break, if it is well managed and there is regular contact whilst away. As a caveat, no one can be entirely sure how a family will respond to a separation, so there is an element of risk. Most likely to the marriage, if one or other of the partners decides they prefer solo life. But if the OP really wants/needs this, there are risks to the marriage of not doing it. Consensus is important.

It has been interesting to see the lines drawn around what is acceptable (according to some PP), for a mother to do, such as, it’s ok to go for a spa weekend, maybe a week in Spain, weekend breaks with children, but not spouse. But don’t dare step out of the lines of social conformity, or the vipers will attack.

Parenting is all consuming these days. I work full time and spend my weekends running my 12 year around social activities, as do all the parents I know. It wasn’t like this for my mother in the the seventies and eighties. I occupied myself, as did all my friends. So no my mother didn’t “fuck off for 9 weeks”, but parenting was nothing like it is now.

More parents should take a break but particularly mothers who often hold the responsibility of wife work for decades sometimes.

I know OP has said, she isn’t going and was patronisingly told “well done”.

OP, I hope you reconsider and care for the self!

This!

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 30/10/2023 12:34

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/10/2023 22:53

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · Today 13:53
**
There's no need to exaggerate. I still maintain not many people would view an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old as young children, assuming no SEN or similar factors”

I’m not exaggerating. Most people now live for 80 plus years. 11 is young. Most 11 year olds very much need their mum close at hand, whatever you’d like to tell yourself. 13 year olds even more so.

My comment about exaggerating referred to 'playing out at 3 and doing the cleaning at 5.'

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 30/10/2023 12:37

BlondieLady · 30/10/2023 11:17

Watch the relief on their faces when you tell them you're not going...

You do realise they might not actually be all that fussed about it?

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:29

Can't tell you how angry I am that the OP has been bullied by strangers into abandoning her plan...

AmazingSnakeHead · 30/10/2023 13:31

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:29

Can't tell you how angry I am that the OP has been bullied by strangers into abandoning her plan...

Bullied? She asked opinions, they were given.

EarlGreywithLemon · 30/10/2023 13:38

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:29

Can't tell you how angry I am that the OP has been bullied by strangers into abandoning her plan...

I wish someone had bullied my mother into abandoning her plan. Several people, including she and I, would have been happier for it - short and long term. As it is, everyone indulged her and no one spared a thought for the 12 year old in the middle of this.

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:42

@AmazingSnakeHead

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 13:45

@AmazingSnakeHead "
Bullied? She asked opinions, they were given."

Yeah. She's a terrible uninvolved mother who would be better off not coming back if she went. That's bullying, not opinion.

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