school calling me a liar

[noodels2002]

Hello im new here. my dd ages 4 had the chickenpox for 2 weeks and i provided medical evidence for the school. however when she was well enough to return to school her grandfather died. i went in explained to the school and filled in all necessary forms. we went out of town to be with distraught mil which we told school we would be. my daughter took the news very hard and obviously was upset over it so my husband and i decided to take her to butlins for the weekend friday to monday and on our return we were greeted with a letter from the school dated Wednesday of that week informing us she hadnt been off due to bereavement but infact a family holiday and they had information could i come to school by friday when they broke off for half term ( impossible as we was out of town and which they knew we was) as they had been "given information".

the hakf term went by and i went to the school this morning to ask the head what the meaning if this letter was and what evidence she had to suggest this. she replied weve been given evidence by a reliable source and would not stipulate any further when asked by whom.

i also asked who had hand delivered the ketter to my house again to which she would not answer. i informed her the claims are incorrect and she said the school believe you are lying due to this reliable source. i said how can i defend myself if you have no evidence to give me. and she said she had evidence but wouldnt share it with me. i again explained about the bereavement and why we went out of town i also honestly told her we went to butlins at the weekend and showed her confirmation to which she said thats fine but we dont believe dd was where you said she was during the week. so at this point i got very distressed and said she had no proof and things got heated which resulted in me being escourted off school premises. ive shiwn her medical proof of rhe illness and proof we went on a family holiday friday to monday not the monday to friday she is questioning. this isnt the first run in with the head as the first time they accused my mother if child abuse and breaking my dd arm on idle gossip which resulted in a visit from ss to which they closed the case instantly and said the school was wrong to accuse people of this on idle gossip and no evidence. the second time the school called me and another parent in as a teacher had saw us arguing nor me or the other parent knew each ither or what she was even talking about as said parent wasnt even at school that day.

anyway back to original point. am i wrong to ask for their evidence and for the head to withold it from me before making these false claims. any help or advice appreciated as i feel i am being harrassed by the school and feel the need someone had been to my house and hand deliver a letter knowing we was out if town totally unacceptable. i feel due to the death of fil i have been hounded and harrassed by the school a trespass has been commited and a total lack of compassion shown from the achool in these difficult circumstances.

Think they might have safeguarding concerns over her absences. Unexplained injury, extended illness, being off fir a week and the going on holiday. If so they won't share "evidence" with you but are you a social media user, for example. Did you really need to accompany your dh at this stage?

If it were me I would very calmly go in (make an appointment).

Explain you have done nothing wrong and if she wishes/or needs to take it further (whatever that means) then so be it.

"so at this point i got very distressed and said she had no proof and things got heated which resulted in me being escourted off school premises."

I'd be drafting up a letter via a solicitor asking all the questions you have already. I'd get legal advice on what 'they will take it further means' and include this too.
As someone else said, I'd also ask, via the solicitor letter, what info they hold on you and your dc, by law they have to provide this to you.
Sounds like the head hasn't got a clue how to conduct these types of allegations

ive provided medical evidence from go regarding the chickenpox thats not an issue with the school just the funeral and mil came with us to get away for a bit x

Perhaps it's just me but your DH lost his mum and your concerns are for your four year old - four year olds usually take their cue for how to respond to major events like deaths from their parents. I really don't understand how either DH or your daughter were well served by going to Butlins after the loss of his dad, and from the school's POV you've had a broken arm that someone flagged up as potentially a domestic, you've had two weeks off with chicken pox (twice as long as many kids) and now you've had a funeral and a holiday at Butlins. It's disruptive for teacher and School, and if you got heated and had to be escorted off the premises, it all sounds like you might have a bit of a perception problem in terms of looking at this from their perspective.

Butlins after a funeral? I say again, this is weird. And if your child was not four, it would be even weirder to risk an already spotty attendance record for a four day holiday.

I think YBU.

Off school for 2 weeks due to chickenpox
Off for a 'few days' re broken arm (was it actually broken? if claims false why not at school as usual anyway?)
Off school due to bereavement, but then went on holiday too

OP, you may have just been unlucky, but your attitude isn't helping:

Hand delivering a letter isn't trespass. It is a sensible way of ensuring a letter is delivered and knowing when, it also gives the opportunity to see if the family is actually in.

Having to be escorted off school premises isn't at all good either. it shows someone unable to keep emotions in check in a setting around small children. (even if mitigating circumstances)

Massive drop feed there mentioning social services involvement prior to the chicken pox

They obviously have concerns for your child's welfare, given the SS history and now a long absence. If I were you i would do everything I could to show that you were where you said you were.

Suggesting the OP doesn't co-operate (after the drip) is not going to be very productive in terms of solving the problem here.

OP please just co-operate with them; drop the excuses and give them what they want

I'd be a bit surprised if Social Services had actually said the school was wrong to contact them if they had concerns. It's exactly what the school should be doing in terms of safeguarding, even if only to ask for advice rather than refer. They can't know what is or isn't gossip, especially with a child relatively new to the school.

She's 4. Legally she doesn't have to go to school until the term after she's 5. The school are completely in the wrong.

Can you email the head asking for this accusation and demand to be formalised in writing as your understanding is that your dd does not legally have to attend school until the term after her fifth birthday?

I wouldn't give any other response until the school have done this. Then I'd take it up with the governors.

I don't think it would be wrong to refuse to give a copy of the death certificate on the grounds that it will distress your mil too much. If the school pursues you further, you could perhaps pay for a letter from grandfather's GP, get a copy of the death certificate from the GP or get a draft copy of the order of service.

I'm pretty sure that the age 4 bit isn't relevant once you've chosen to send your child to school. I'm sure it's come up on previous threads about attendence.

Tbh I agree with posters saying it sounds like you might have had a bit of an attitude problem with the head or there's some history you haven't included.

And no head can authorise absence for a family holiday so you might want to question the person who told you that about another family. You can't choose to believe that piece of gossip and then expect the school not to believe gossip about you.

I may have missed it, have you answered why you needed 2 weeks for the chicken pox

I think there's a bit more to this than you are saying, OP.

So the school had suspicions about your daughter's bereavement absence straight away - they sent a letter on the Wednesday asking you to contact them by the Friday, which you didn't (did you go straight to Butlins from your MIL without coming home to pack?).

Your daughter has an above-average absence rate (especially if she was off for a week or two with chickenpox) so they would follow up any absences, especially if they thought it was holiday.

If you want to 'defend' yourself then all you have to do is provide proof of your FIL's death. Seeing their evidence doesn't help with that at all. I'm not sure why you asked for that rather than saying you would provide proof, and then things got so heated you were escorted from the premises?

I know we are all different but I lost my dad a few years ago after a long difficult illness and I can't imagine any circumstances where my mum would have gone off to Butlins straight after the funeral.

Which is not to say it wasn't right for your family but may explain why the school is finding it hard to believe you.

Put everything down on an email and ask for written responses. Tell them you can provide evidence but you don't feel you should and ask them to put in writing exactly why they feel this is necessary, including details of "evidence" they have.

When schools are asked to put things in writing they are very much more cautious about what they commit to.

Obituary or order of service should be fine, I doubt they want the death certificate.

Empire

I see your reasoning. I just hate people being ridden over rough shot, which this sounds like to me.

If she is 4 then she is non compulsory and the school can't do anything anyway.

Things got heated

I know it must be a hard situation to stay calm but you don't do yourself any favours by behaving like that.

How much time did she have off. It sounds like at least 4 weeks (then half term) including a holiday and you were away at half term. You potentially have SS involvement so any absence will need to be noted especially as her attendance must be below 90% now

What - your MIL went to Butlins with you?! But you won't ask her for a copy of the death certificate?

My stepdad died recently. I wanted my mother to come home with me. But she wanted to stay and get all the paperwork sorted. I had to get back to my dd, who'd stayed behind with dh and was having childminder wrap around care. So really it is whatever the bereaved person wants. I don't think butlins is that out of the ordinary.

I'm pretty sure that the age 4 bit isn't relevant once you've chosen to send your child to school. I'm sure it's come up on previous threads about attendence.

Nope, they are non compulsory until the term after they turn 5. Doesn't matter if you decide to send them or not. If your attendance is poor the school will notice and remember it when they turn compulsory but there is nothing that they can do until the term after they turn 5.

Sorry but is it really usual for schools to request, and people to supply, obituaries/orders of funeral services/death certificates?

That seems to me to be in pretty bad taste.

I think they're being twunts. I don't know who you'd go to for advice or support in this scenario but I do think you should seek advice.

No the child doesn't have to attend before the age of 5. But she is already in the system here and the school have the right to have absence explained, especially in these circumstances. If op just removes her dd from the school now it wouldn't stop another referral. I'm not saying the school is right here op I think they have been heavy handed but this could escalate. My advice would be to do as you are asked.

That's a spectacularly unlucky first year in school, it sounds like she's had at least 4 weeks off - broken arm, bereavement, chicken pox.

I think it's reasonable to ask you for proof, especially as they have reported concerns to social services and even more so because you did go "on holiday" during your leave which you said was regarding bereavement.

I don't doubt what you're saying that it's been a very unlucky run at school but you have to see it from their point of view and agree that asking to see proof is understandable.

Please don't involve solicitors, that's way over the top.

Ask the school to confirm in writing what the need you to provide and talke it from there.

I haven't heard about the £10 data access before, how does that work with confidential safeguarding concerns, doesn't it defeat the purpose if you can find out who's raised a concern?