Deflated about son going to university - logistics

[manywanderings]

So there I was getting all organised and excited about the bedding and kitchen items needed. We'd chatted about finances and accommodation choices put in. And thinking about when we drop him off in September and reading about how parents get them at least helped unpacked and settled in the room. And when I mentioned about driving him over and everything fitting in the car and maybe we'd need a roof rack he just nodded. Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted. Basically he doesn't want us there - he just wants to go off with his friend - they are going to the same university. He said I won't need much - just my clothes and computer. I said yes you will there's a big packing list - bedding, kitchen equipment, laundry bag and so on. So just offloading there. It affects us too - him effectively leaving home.

So I know that's the case, he suggested it twice and we said no twice. He was the same when it came to an open day - wanted to go independtly with his friend and didn't want us there. I know at 18, and driving, they are adults, but - it's a transition for us too. And it hurts because we are sacrificing a lot for him to go and we're going to be living on so little to help fund him (obviously I haven't told him that and it's not "pay as you go", but we're doing it out of love and ouch it hurts that he doesn't even want to share that first moment there with us. He just wants to go independently. I could almost accept that, except logistically we will have to go - there is too much stuff. And it'll be harder now knowing he doesn't really want us to. Presumably doesn't want embarrassing parents there. Even though everyone has that.

My dd had a lovely time with her friends going in to the town the summer after A levels and getting things for university. It’s her room and her new life. She got an enormous cut glass tankard from the charity shop I remember. Oh, and a noodle bowl with ghosts on.

Just tell him about the pros and cons of different pans when he’s next in your kitchen.

Your dc going to university isn’t about you getting bedding and kitchen items. Going away to university isn’t about shopping. And it’s March, you are in real danger of pushing him away by trying to manage him like this and going on about where he should or should not be at 10am in September.

Yes, well I was at university before mobiles, and as my parents were dirt poor, I had only my scholarship and it was an international call, the weekly phone call was brief and more a proof of life than anything! Plus my parents had been so against me going to university that I wrote to convince them it had been a good thing.

I have moved two children into uni. The first one, Ds had to register at a building whilst Dh and I emptied the contents of the car onto the floor of the parking area outside the accommodation block. Then the car had to be driven off site immediately to a car park. One of us stayed with all the bags until Ds came back with a key to his room.

Second child, different uni, was registered whilst in the car. Then we had 20 minutes parking granted outside of his accommodation. The time, flat number and room number were on the sheet we had to put in the car windscreen and your mobile in case you overstayed your time slot. Again we just hauled stuff to the room, they unpacked it.

Just because a parent or parents are with them doesn't mean they are folding their underwear into their drawers. We had to take the suitcases away with us because there was no fucking room in the room to store them anywhere, not under the bed or on top of a wardrobe or in the corner of the room. It was tight. Therefore everything had to be emptied out. DCs put it all away. We just facilitated the driving.

As accommodation booking was happening it isn't unreasonable to be talking about travel, car packing etc as a general conversation. Some people like to plan ahead. My two independent sons were more than happy talking about their choices and why those ones, using us as a sounding board as we had both been to uni.

Plus some move in days are weekdays so penciling those days for potentially booking time off work and depending on the distance travelled fully refundable hotel bookings.

No - my dad took his stuff on the train.

Teenagers are often oblivious to their parents' emotions - that's quite normal and not a sign of him being some selfish brute.

You're not wrong to feel what you feel, just dont load it onto him.

What have you taught him about managing money?

Just say no. Parents are well within their rights not to lend their car to their child to drive him or herself to university.

What unusual sized bed is it?

I would say it’s completely usual for parents to take you at the start of term and when we took DC2, we helped unpack and then went and did a big food shop and had lunch as well before departing. Everyone else was doing the same with their parents.

If he’s not taking the car to university as he won’t need it/can’t afford it, then his plan isn’t going to work anyway, is it? I’m sure his friend will go with his own parent.

I would say that you’ll take him and his stuff up on the first day and help unload it into his room and then you will be off if that’s what he wants.

My DS is off in September too. I also remember how I just wanted my parents to leave when I got to univ many moons ago. Why don't you compromise. Arrange a day out shopping to TK Maxx or Primark or wherever before he goes - to buy pots n pans n spatulas etc. Talk him through what he needs. Go for lunch. Go to the pub after. Have a fun exciting day. Then on the actual day drop him off with a cheery smile.

This sounds very familiar. When I took my son to uni, his accommodation was in central Bristol. They had some cones in the road and we were allowed to pull up outside, unload the car as quickly as possible, then I drove off to find somewhere to park. I found a multi-storey car park not too far away, but the car in front of me got stuck at the barrier and caused a delay. By the time I walked back to the accommodation, my son had pretty much unpacked. I could tell he wanted to be left to get to know his flatmates, so we said our goodbyes and I left him to it. He was happy and I wept buckets in the car!

@PenPaperIdeas My youngest DD was the same, unload everything, park elsewhere, picked up a takeaway lunch, went back and took the cases/boxes away with me.
OP is overthinking it all, DD was in halls sharing with 11 others and nobody had parents unpacking and setting up their room. At her halls you’re only in for first year and she’s now in a flat share with her 3 pals , already nearly done third year; it flies by.

My DD l didn't gave a car so her older brother took her , there was no room in the car for me with all the stuff she had.
Honesty she was back a few weeks later for reading week, in my experience they are home more thsn they are at uni.
Just let him take what he thinks he needs, he will learn, you csn go up a few weeks later with stuff he suddenly realises he needs.

I would recommend not using suitcases at all as there’s nowhere to store them and taking them home/bringing them back again is a pain. Get massive soft holdalls which collapse away to nothing instead, and store them under the bed.

I can relate to this, I have a very independent Son. He’s always been like that so it’s not a new thing. I was dreading him going tbh, but is been fine. He’s back every few weeks cause he has a girlfriend and goes to football. I don’t or don’t expect to see a lot of him when he’s back though. My DH and I drove him to Uni, but he didn’t want us to help him then. It was fine. In short I took his lead

Oh OP, I think it's lovely that you want to do so much for your son. As ever, there's a lot of kind and constructive advice on here, plus a few posters who will tell you that you are wrong to feel as you feel.

My DS is also an only child, at the same stage with A levels and is v stressed, desperately wants his firm choice and keeps asserting he won't take the insurance if offered. It's intense and we can't wait for it to be over, honestly. We are also going to be making big financial sacrifices to support DS at university and we are not high earners, so I get you there too.

I am privately starting to make a few lists as it's enjoyable to plan a little, but I don't want to add any more stuff to anyone else's mental load, so will wait until summer to discuss practicalities seriously.

And yes, I too went to uni on my own aged 17, train from Edinburgh to Bristol with all my stuff in a huge, extremely heavy holdall. Like many others I thought nothing of it, but that was 33 years ago. I didn't have parents or access to a car. Sure, it's not all about me, but frankly I want to do things for DS that my family couldn't do for me.

Good luck to your DS, and to you too