Deflated about son going to university - logistics

[manywanderings]

So there I was getting all organised and excited about the bedding and kitchen items needed. We'd chatted about finances and accommodation choices put in. And thinking about when we drop him off in September and reading about how parents get them at least helped unpacked and settled in the room. And when I mentioned about driving him over and everything fitting in the car and maybe we'd need a roof rack he just nodded. Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted. Basically he doesn't want us there - he just wants to go off with his friend - they are going to the same university. He said I won't need much - just my clothes and computer. I said yes you will there's a big packing list - bedding, kitchen equipment, laundry bag and so on. So just offloading there. It affects us too - him effectively leaving home.

So I know that's the case, he suggested it twice and we said no twice. He was the same when it came to an open day - wanted to go independtly with his friend and didn't want us there. I know at 18, and driving, they are adults, but - it's a transition for us too. And it hurts because we are sacrificing a lot for him to go and we're going to be living on so little to help fund him (obviously I haven't told him that and it's not "pay as you go", but we're doing it out of love and ouch it hurts that he doesn't even want to share that first moment there with us. He just wants to go independently. I could almost accept that, except logistically we will have to go - there is too much stuff. And it'll be harder now knowing he doesn't really want us to. Presumably doesn't want embarrassing parents there. Even though everyone has that.

OP, reread @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack ’s lovely, wise post, and act on it — it’s absolutely right.

It started with him getting his accommodation form and us working out the best options based on what was affordable and his preferences. It was one of two halls and I started reading the list of things needed and the fact it was going to need unusual sized bedding. I'm in the habit of planning ahead and there weren't many places did that sized bedding and they had a 1 to 2 week lead time and I suppose I thought - if they don't get results till August it could be a rush to try and actually get sheet and mattress protector to fit. Then there were the lists of all the kit they needed to bring. So I suppose it set me off thinking about how we'd get it all there.

But yes it's too soon. But I do get ups and downs about it. And no it's not about me - but it's me who is posting on here, and it helps to share and get support.

@sittingonabeach her son hasn’t “worked out the logistics”. He’s had a chat with his mate and they’ve said “hey, won’t it be fun to drive to uni together”, imagining themselves turning up looking cool in front of all the girls. They don’t know that they’ll need a ton of very uncool stuff like saucepans and toiletries, and that the first hour will be spent standing in a queue to pick up a key and fill in dull paperwork.

It is fine to drive your dc to university. It is also fine to help your dc to move in, if that's what they want. But surely the key here is respecting how they want to manage that transition?

OP. I think you need to be honest with your son. Say that the reality of him going to uni hit you and you got into a bit of a tiz. Apologise and reset the situation. The calm down until exams are well and truly over. Resist the temptation to mention this minor matter of logistics. Moving in to halls is generally a chaotic, messy, hot day. But between then and now are the exams. Don't put more pressure on your son and don't taint his final months of living at home with fussing.

With respect, you don't know what they have and haven't thought about.

And frankly, it's March and they aren't going until September. There is time for them to worry about saucepans and toiletries nearer the time.

Parents can support and facilitate without taking over. They can prompt, suggest, ask questions etc. But if you want a healthy relationship with your adult child that is going to stand the test of time, I think you do have to allow them to start taking the lead at some point.

My daughter is also hopeful going in September; I haven’t even discussed the practicalities like you. They all need to finish A Levels first! That should be their priority. Yes they have to have firm and backup options soon but the rest is not a big deal as is so uncertain and so far off. Different unis have different requirements anyway of what is needed…

I wasn't present when my daughter went off to university, OP. I don't remember getting involved at all in buying bedding and kitchen stuff.

Honestly I think you can be proud of yourself for raising an independent minded adult. As PP have said, let him make his own mistakes.

My older brother drove me to uni and didn’t stay long. As a pretty independent teen, I thought other kids seemed very young and overprotected. I think you sound quite over the top, feeling sad about he doesn’t need you anymore. That’s a lot of pressure for him and will be annoying. Surely not needing you is the aim, it shows that you have raised him well.

I think starting to talk about things he will need - sparked by booking accommodation was fine.
We need to spread the cost a bit, so we have been buying bits Dc will need bit by bit.
We got some bedding last month and kitchen pots this month, while we were at the shops anyway for other things.

My Dc prefers a bit of a drip feed, and would hate a massive shopping spree, so it works for us.
Maybe that’s something you can do together, just buy a few bits here and there.

It’s probably a bit soon to talk about logistics of the actual drop off day.

OP I think you should put this to the back of your mind. A lot could change between now and September. Also some of the replies you’re getting are quite nasty. You’ll find if you post in August on one of the uni threads, people are far more understanding of the situation. There’s a certain type of MNetter who likes to make OPs feel like crap, when they’re already feeling low. I’d hide this thread if I were you. Come back in the summer when there’ll be plenty of posters feeling anxious about uni.

I've not RTFT just OP's posts. I agree it's a good idea to park it for now. Then when it is time to discuss arrangements, his dad could have a word with DS and explain this is an important time for mum and he'd really appreciate it if DS would let her be involved with buying stuff, taking him to uni and settling him in. He's got plenty of time to be independent and socialise later.

OP - my tip is don't buy too much stuff - they don't need a lot of what we deem essential.

Also you're suggesting sending him to uni is going to leave you short financially. Could it be you're planning on giving him too much allowance? People on this board often give their kids far more than they need!

Like you, we're older parents to an onlu child and DD moving out was a huge transistion so I'd recommend you and DH think about what you'd like to do individually and as a couple come Sept/Oct. Best of luck and remember, that uni holidays are long!

I was bemused by my flatemate's parents who used to arrive with all his stuff, unpack for him (while he sat around), go get food and just generally fuss.

I'd got myself to Uni with a rucksack. Picked up kitchen stuff 2ndhand and as I needed it....I was far more capable than the boys who'd been cossetted.

Honestly, let him sort his own life out. Help as requested. Stop making such a fuss. It's not about you anymore.

I was heartbroken when my children went to uni, and still am to a certain extent, and yes I have lots of other things in my life! Of course it's natural to feel like this when your child leaves home!

I drove them there and helped them settle in, made sure they were OK before I left. Only one student in her halls had gone alone without a parent. Some parents stayed all day and one stayed for a week! Which is obviously crazy but just to show that it's certainly not the norm IME to go alone.

Yes he needs to make his own mistakes etc but also he's not yet financially independent, and you can't afford to finance those mistakes. I'd explain that to him when you discuss it again after exams. It isn't a cliff edge of parenting at 18 when they move away. It's a significant shift to a transition stage of parenting, until they are actually independent including financially, which might not be until early 20s (or even later!).

I would try and see the positives. So many teens/young adults are so clingy and dependent on their parents. I think you're lucky to have one who isn't!

Problem is buying stuff now doesn’t factor in what sort of accommodation they might be in, unless they deferred so everything is certain now.

Beds can be different sizes, accommodation might have induction hubs, catered halls might be the only option left etc. Also you have a tendency to buy so much more than you actually need.

It sounds like one of the problems here is that you have kept hidden from him how dearly this is costing you. By making subsiding him seem effortless, you are letting him feel that what he spends or the risks that he might take with money are minimal. I was always painfully aware of how little both my parents had and how hard they had had to work for what they gave me, and so I was incredibly careful with money - but I likely wouldn’t have been if that had been kept from me.

I really think you need to have a talk with your son and explain the financial situation. Not in a way that would make him feel guilty or in some sort of emotional debt to you, but matter of factly. He needs to know (though you’re doing it gladly) how much this is costing you, because otherwise he will treat the money you give him as throw away, because he has no idea that there isn’t plenty.

This is a bad habit for him to get into anyway, and a good time up talk to him about managing finances responsibly. You can use this as a practical example of how it’s possible to afford expensive things (like university) without going into debt. Use your lives and where you’ve saved as an example.

This is also important from the stand point of him getting the most out of his course. I’m assuming you don’t have the finances for him to drop out, restart, change his mind, move course/university? It’s a big shock moving to university, and it’s easy to end up doing this kind of thing if you assume that money is infinite. Knowing that this is his shot, and that it won’t come again is quite important for valuing what he’s getting from the course.

You need to take a step back! And let him lead the way.

When I went to University most of us worked all summer, then moved (without parents), and then bought stuff when we got there! It was so fun

No need for all this planning. he's sending you a very clear message that he doesn't want or need your help. 💐

Argos has a whole section on buying stuff for uni. It's all way over the top.

I'm assuming its a 4' bed from your update? Dunelm do cheap sheets which are perfect and DS had a single duvet. Lots had doubles, but he'd be too hot.

I also wouldn't assume he'll get any of his accommodation choices and prepare yourself for a long wait after results day. We had confirmation on the day but lots were still waiting the week before term started.

We raided my dad's for cutlery and crockery 😆

Me and exdp took ds 3 years ago. We unpacked the car and he went 'you can go now!' I had visions of unpacking and helping set up his room. Not a chance lol

Don’t take it personally, 18 year olds can be self absorbed. I don’t know many 18 year old lads who would be bothered about bedding etc either, he’d probably manage with a suitcase and couple of boxes then sort the rest out when he’s there.
He is not thinking of this from your perspective that’s all.
I don’t think it would hurt to just say “I know you are 18 and want to be independent and we know you can manage, but we really would like to come and get you settled in because we love you and will miss you”

Amazonor argos for eg 4ft bedding. No rush. Easier if you can eg order to collect at argos nearthe halls. Plenty time. Think basics one fry pan one saucepan etc

It’s a bit early to think of this stuff. We only did this prep after the A-level results came. Having said that, our son and our daughters both wanted us involved and it felt like a joint venture dropping off. We didn’t hang around but we did meet up for breakfast I think the next day before we drove home. We never felt like an embarrassment.

I think your son needs to be a bit more respectful though. You have clearly done a lot for him and he will need your input for making the start to university. He shouldn’t dismiss your feelings completely and treat you like an inconvenience.

He is feeling anxious and clinging to friend because he will know nobody elseat uni. I think you need to talk to him about how parents taking kids to uni as a fresher is the norm. You will see his room, take him for a big food shop - which can include a box of beer - and buy anything else he needs. You can then take him for a last meal out, or just leave.

Perhaps he has friends who have older siblings at uni who he can talk to over Easter about what they needed for their rooms (or what the people with the nicest rooms have added to their rooms to make them nice). He is going to have to take bedding, crockery, cutlery, chopping boards and knives, toiletries, lamps, cushions etc...