Deflated about son going to university - logistics

[manywanderings]

So there I was getting all organised and excited about the bedding and kitchen items needed. We'd chatted about finances and accommodation choices put in. And thinking about when we drop him off in September and reading about how parents get them at least helped unpacked and settled in the room. And when I mentioned about driving him over and everything fitting in the car and maybe we'd need a roof rack he just nodded. Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted. Basically he doesn't want us there - he just wants to go off with his friend - they are going to the same university. He said I won't need much - just my clothes and computer. I said yes you will there's a big packing list - bedding, kitchen equipment, laundry bag and so on. So just offloading there. It affects us too - him effectively leaving home.

So I know that's the case, he suggested it twice and we said no twice. He was the same when it came to an open day - wanted to go independtly with his friend and didn't want us there. I know at 18, and driving, they are adults, but - it's a transition for us too. And it hurts because we are sacrificing a lot for him to go and we're going to be living on so little to help fund him (obviously I haven't told him that and it's not "pay as you go", but we're doing it out of love and ouch it hurts that he doesn't even want to share that first moment there with us. He just wants to go independently. I could almost accept that, except logistically we will have to go - there is too much stuff. And it'll be harder now knowing he doesn't really want us to. Presumably doesn't want embarrassing parents there. Even though everyone has that.

Having gone through this, university drop off people make a huge deal out of it. But the sad reality is they just want you to leave ASAP and get on with their new lives making new friends and you're left feeling all rejected and unwanted. (Either that or they suppress what they want to do and focus on your feelings, which is not great either).

From my experience, I think much better would be to let him go with his friend and say that you'll drive up at a weekend in a few weeks later with the remainder of his stuff. Then he can proudly show you round campus and how much progress he's made in a few short weeks. He'll probably be more than happy to be taken out for a meal at that point.

Your son's independence is a great quality. So many young people are worried about going to university, moving out on their own. Be proud of how you have raised him. Stop fussing now because it's all still a long way off. His friend may want to travel with his own parents when the time comes. Wanting to stand on his own feet doesn't mean he is rejecting you.

Does he have is own car
and if so, is he taking it to Uni with him ?

btw it's around 6 months away !!!

Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted.

Why would you say no!? Convoying is safer.

You are being so unreasonable. This is a big moment for him and his friend setting off on an adventure it’s not his job to celebrate or cosole you for you empty nesters.
‘he doesn’t want us’ he literally wants you to drive up with his stuff while he helps out his friend who seems to have no parents willing to drive him up. Surely you’d need to drive separately anyway (or you get the train home?) as he needs his car at uni.
you need to shift your attitude a bit if you want him to keep in touch with you!

Ps don’t hassle him about packing lists now let him do his a levels for goodness sake!

You spend a huge amount of time planning, buying and organising their departure. You arrive, offload and then usually they push you out of the door and that’s it.
DS is coming to the end of his second year. He’s been home for Easter break for a week and I’m counting down the days until he goes back for the summer term.
You very quickly get used to them being away. DS comes home some weekends to play rugby but it’s usually a 24hr visit. He recharges, uses the washing machine, empties the fridge then heads back for Saturday night out at uni.
DS is now a competent cook. Can wash, dry and iron his clothes and bedding. Has learned to wash up ( we have a dishwasher at home). And has finally got his head round managing money.
He uses my clubcard in Tescos to get the offers. A bonus for me because I get the points.
Life at home is different but we quickly adjusted. I have a collection of entertaining texts usually “how do I/we…? “ photos of various health problems and requests for items from Amazon.
They have managed to secure a decent house for next year, they were too late last year to bag a decent place for this year and ended up in an interesting flat above shops in the middle of the student area. Great for takeaways but not the nicest accommodation. It isn’t damp or derelict but there is no outdoor space.
Part of going to uni is learning to live independently. Learning to manage their money. It can take a while but you do see a change in them as they reach the end of their second year. They stop asking for help and start taking pride in even the smallest achievement. I regularly receive photos of meals he’s prepared. Their washing machine broke and DS was so proud that he’d navigated the process of getting it fixed. They’ve managed their bills and sorted out WiFi connection. They start to realise just how much is involved in living independently it’s a great introduction to adult life.
I wouldn’t worry too much about your DS’s need for independence. Let him take the bare minimum, stand back and wait for the phone call or text requesting a long list of must haves. I think we send them off with everything we think they need when maybe they need to arrive with just the basics and then they can work out what they actually need.

Your reaction seems way over the top to me. Also, why are you getting excited about bedding and kitchen items? He should be sorting all that out for himself in September. The most you should be involved is a quick check the week before, do you have x y z, then maybe a last minute shopping trip for the stuff he’s forgotten. Sorry to be harsh but I think you need to let him grow up and take responsibility himself, it’s his life not yours.

I get why you’d want to go with him the first time to check he’s found the accommodation and knows what’s what. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect more than that unless he actively asks for it. Maybe once it comes to it he does want you to help more, but it’s got to be led from his side. I can again see why it would be good to travel with the friends. They can support each other a bit with the transition, is it really so much more complicated?

I’m sorry you’re feeling rejected but it sounds like you’ve put want to much importance on your own role in this.

Thank you. I guess it's hitting me that he's going. It only came up because he was putting his accommodation form in. And yes must just let him get on with his A levels. To answer other questions. No no other children. No he's not taking his car to university - it's staying here till he comes home in the holidays - he just can't afford to run it on the pittance he'll have to live on and doesn't need it where he's going.

I know he's very capable. He'd probably rather we gave him the money and him go and buy his own kitchen stuff when he got there. But I honestly wouldn't trust him with that unfortunately! He'd spend it on something else.

I expect he’ll change his mind OP, when reality sets in. Surely his friend’s parents will want to go too? Everyone gets dropped off by parents these days. Most halls are self catering, so you need a ton of stuff, and all students like to fleece their parents at the local supermarket before they’re left to their own devices.

And the terms are really short. He’ll be home before you know it.

DS is now a competent cook. Can wash, dry and iron his clothes and bedding. Has learned to wash up

how was he not able to do these things already!?! isn’t this part of what you learn as a teenager gradually taking on more responsibility at home? Maybe I’m way out of touch but I was doing my own laundry from about 12, learning to cook simple stuff before that. Genuinely surprised by this comment.

He'd probably rather we gave him the money and him go and buy his own kitchen stuff when he got there. But I honestly wouldn't trust him with that unfortunately! He'd spend it on something else.

But you have to trust him, and let him make mistakes too. if he spends the money on something else and has no cooking equipment then he deals with the consequences. Either beg friends for use of theirs or live on bread and instant noodles until he can find cash for a couple of pans and basic crockery.

@UraniumFlowerpot there’s nothing wrong with wanting to help your kids and be involved when they first go to university. It’s not a competition to see who can give their kids the least help! They all get there in the end, regardless of what we do.

Your posts remind me of the people who told me that if I co-slept with my babies, then they’d NEVER learn to sleep alone. Funnily enough, they both did.

I get you. When my sons left for Uni they understood it was about us as much as it was about them and they let me do whatever i want as it was just one day and they could change the room setting etc if they wanted to. I am grateful they had the emotional maturity to realise this.

Having done the drop off twice and each time with a fairly big car completely packed with stuff - I’d be surprised if he and his friend can get everything in one car. I’d expect he’d be fine with you taking him when it comes to it. Most people seemed to have parents dropping them off. It’s nice to help unpack a few things, see their room and maybe take them for quick food shop. It’s a major change and not unreasonable for you to say that you want to be part of it and help.

My DS is an only and I fully understand your concerns. DS is at uni with quite a lot of his friends from home, he shares a flat with two close friends he’s known for years so we often have a car full on the way there or the way back. I’m retired so have the time to go down and pick him up. He can also drive one way or the other. I’ve never had a problem with helping others out. One of DS flatmates has his car at uni, they all help out with petrol as it’s used to go shopping or to the gym and DS often gets a lift home for weekends.

Parking is a huge issue in the city they’re in so they agreed on just one car. DS is used to using his car to get around because we live rurally, but loves the fact he doesn’t need it in the city. It’s actually cheaper and quicker to travel by train to and from uni. DS can catch a train on Sunday evening at 7ish and be back in his flat 2 hours later.

When you have only one child it can be very daunting when they leave. But if he’s happy to go and looking forward to it take heart that you’ve done a good job parenting him. The whole purpose is to raise a child who can live independently. My DM always maintained that she done a good job because despite us all happily flying the nest we were also happy to go home and visit without feeling that it was expected. She loved that she’d brought up three very independent women.

My parents didn’t have the luxury of mobile phones and WiFi. They had a weekly phone call from us. They had no idea what we were getting up to and rarely visited, two of us did dentistry so after our first year we had very limited holidays. We often spent those visiting friends.

With all the technology today students are so much easier to contact and if your DS is anything like mine he actively encourages me to use “find my phone” so he doesn’t have to check in regularly. He does the same with us though. He has a wide network of friends all over the country and keeps in touch via social media. He often has a chat via what’s app if he needs to touch base. It has become our main way to communicate. I don’t expect him to answer immediately, since I don’t. If he calls it’s usually to find out how the dog is. Life is different but it’s so reassuring that he can live independently.

I've already let him make those mistakes before! Can't afford to buy the equipment twice unfortunately. Money will be very very tight after he goes. And neither can we afford to subsidise his friend and buy his kitchen equipment too. Been there before. We end up paying twice. Son is very generous (but with our money), And yes his friend has parents! They are separated and only one has a car but he has transport and parents to pay for things.

Ok so I've messed up haven't I? Too soon to talk about it when he should be focusing on A levels and I've caused an elephant in the room. Ugh.

He could cook. but as part of a household. He could empty a fridge in 24hrs if I let him. But having a full fridge and food cupboards to create a meal is totally different to starting from scratch as a student.

Planning your weekly shop around your meal plan is different from opening a fridge and selecting the ingredients. The first time he made spag bol he needed directions on ingredients and quantities needed for 4 of them.

His friends and him cooked a full Christmas dinner one year, I was their virtual executive chef, they FaceTimed me to check on various things, it was great fun. I remember doing the same with my DM as a student, in fact the boys I lived with would phone my DM regularly for culinary advice. I’m not sure why they didn’t phone their own DMs.

I cook everything from scratch so maybe that’s why I am the go to for advice. DS now cooks with a variety of spices and loves experimenting. They have a friend who is a chef who regularly visits and cooks for them in lieu of bed and board. They have learnt how to be creative with food as a result and no longer eat ping meals or takeaways.

DS mastered the washing machine and dryer at home but their flat had a washer dryer which confused them. Despite growing up in the digital age they often forget that Google usually has the answer. So when they phoned me to ask how to use the washer/dryer I let them into the secret of my super human of knowledge. They now google before picking my brains.

As for washing up, he is degree level at loading a dishwasher, but the only time he has ever washed up is at uni. It’s been a real issue for him because he always washes his own dishes after use but flat mates often struggle to understand that if you put your dishes in the sink they don’t magically wash themselves. So the sink is always full. If you do the right thing and sort it out then you end up washing up for the whole flat and become the magic washing up fairy. They have yet to organise washing up. So yes he has had to learn the art of washing up.

Washing up was a chore when I was a child and part of our mealtime routine but many students obviously have dishwashers at home so have never experienced orderly washing up after eating.

@BerryTwister I’m not saying don’t support your kid if they ask for it, that’s totally different than trying to force help that’s not actually wanted or in a way that’s not wanted.

The analogy for what I’m saying isn’t so much “don’t ever cosleep” but rather “if your 6 year old is actively asking for their own bed, don’t force them to share with you for your own comfort”.

Presumably by this point OPs DS has had practice buying his own clothes and school things, packing for holiday or sports camp or something, and he can read whatever lists the uni has sent out. It’s age appropriate to let him try to sort it himself since that’s what he apparently wants to do and be ready to support with the bits he inevitably messes up.

But I don’t have adult kids, just basing this on what felt normal for me and friends as late teens. Like I said, could be out of date now, I know children have less freedom and independence in general these days. Didn’t mean to offend.

@Crwysmam ah sorry. Sounds like you’re an excellent cook with rather higher standards than I have… you were thinking of a full roast while I was thinking pasta and pesto 🙈 my bad

With kindness OP he is saying these things because he feels smothered and wants to fly the nest. That isn’t a criticism, you obviously love him desperately
i have 3 boys, my youngest is 18 and on a merchant navy degree cadetship. He flies to Bermuda alone on Wednesday to join a ship, then sails to brazil
im so proud and excited for him, in private i am struggling. Keep dreaming of him being little, running in to my arms after school, holding my hand, sitting on my knee at toddler group. It is really hard but our job as parents is to let them go

He has graciously allowed me to take him shopping for toiletries tomorrow 😂😂

It’s March. Why are you having this conversation now?

I know what a wrench it is, but could it be that he’s worried about you being emotional and that being difficult for him to handle? You do sound quite focused on your own emotions rather than on him. He’s not responsible for your emotional wellbeing, and it’s down to you to ensure that you can avoid leaking negative emotions or guilt on him. He’s doing brilliantly to be so independent, but he might feel safer letting you in more if there’s less pressure / expectations / emotion. I grew up with a parent who made each big milestone about them and used financial support as leverage, and I am not as close with them now as they would like. If you could reassure him that you are aware it’s a big moment for him, you’re proud of him being independent and you don’t want to get in the way so you won’t be acting in any way to embarrass him that might help reassure him. I’ve seen parents making a shocking fuss while moving their YP into uni and it’s clearly been very upsetting and embarrassing for the YP, who would have been much better solo.

Good grief OP. Back right off. My parents waved me off on the train with my suitcase and I didn’t see them again for three months. They weren’t on the phone, either.