Deflated about son going to university - logistics

[manywanderings]

So there I was getting all organised and excited about the bedding and kitchen items needed. We'd chatted about finances and accommodation choices put in. And thinking about when we drop him off in September and reading about how parents get them at least helped unpacked and settled in the room. And when I mentioned about driving him over and everything fitting in the car and maybe we'd need a roof rack he just nodded. Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted. Basically he doesn't want us there - he just wants to go off with his friend - they are going to the same university. He said I won't need much - just my clothes and computer. I said yes you will there's a big packing list - bedding, kitchen equipment, laundry bag and so on. So just offloading there. It affects us too - him effectively leaving home.

So I know that's the case, he suggested it twice and we said no twice. He was the same when it came to an open day - wanted to go independtly with his friend and didn't want us there. I know at 18, and driving, they are adults, but - it's a transition for us too. And it hurts because we are sacrificing a lot for him to go and we're going to be living on so little to help fund him (obviously I haven't told him that and it's not "pay as you go", but we're doing it out of love and ouch it hurts that he doesn't even want to share that first moment there with us. He just wants to go independently. I could almost accept that, except logistically we will have to go - there is too much stuff. And it'll be harder now knowing he doesn't really want us to. Presumably doesn't want embarrassing parents there. Even though everyone has that.

I am gobsmacked that you are so invested in all this so early. It was a few years ago now (and I was in halls the first year) but my parents took me to the station, waved me off and came to visit once a few weeks later when I had settled in. I did need a small bail out that Christmas when I ran through the term's grant a bit too quickly but that was it. If he's as independent as you say he is he'll figure it all out.

Enjoying everyone's reminiscences about what their parents did thirty to forty years ago 😂

I know why you will have pushed at this stage. My eldest went to uni last year and it was a mad scramble because everything was left until too last as she didn’t ant to think about any of it until she had the confirmed place in August. But the admin can’t actually wait until then. We accepted my youngest’s places last week and I had to push him to review the accommodation and apply, too, even though we both know that the grades he needs means that it’s not certain he will get a place at his preferred uni in August and we may still have the last minute scramble at his insurance place. He is over 6ft3 so we needed accom with the larger beds and rooms for him, so that also meant being proactive to get on the lists with the right halls.

But it does feel far too soon, so we agreed that we would do the admin last week and after that we would not discuss or mention it again until August. You can write your must-have list for stuff he needs and then order on line or have a morning at Ikea (we did that, along with lots of other mothers/new students who were also milling around the kitchen dept!)

Re accompanying him. It’s sad that he is pushing you away, but as others say I think it may be in response to his wanting to start being independent and also a reflex if you are smothering him. Just agree that you will back off now and let him study and that if he wants to go up with his friend on Day 1 you can follow in a separate vehicle and arrive later in the day. And, again as others have stated, there is a chance that they might not end up at the same uni in the end as exams/grades are not an exact science. Try not to fret over this stuff right now.

I would also plan a few things to look forward to for you alone/with your DH in the weeks/month after he starts- tickets to a show in London, city break, spa day etc. Embrace the fact that you have produced a successful, clever and independent child and are entering a new era of life where you can now do spontaneous things without worrying about school runs in the morning, his washing, and the mess in his room. This is a good thing (even though, like you, I am really not looking forward to the empty nest and will continually worry - which I have whilst my first settled in this year). It will get easier - but you may need to plan to find other way to fill the void he’ll leave - and to demonstrate to him that you are doing so, so that he knows/feels you are not entirely focussed on him. It’s really hard to feel you are the be all and everything to a parent, so you need to free him from the burden of feeling obligated to you.

Good luck.

And if doing it on a budget is important, then check out the charity shops in his university town. The ones in mine are full of household stuff. I regularly buy dozens of cheap wine glasses for parties (so I have no worries about stuff getting broken) at my local charity shops! You’d never need to buy new.

But my observation of undergrad boys at my place is that they live on takeaway. The queue at Dominoes in Freshers’ Week goes around the block.

I'd got myself to Uni with a rucksack

🙄

No, I don't think it's easier with girls at all. I'm an older parent too, have a DD and DS at university. If they had their own cars when they started I'm sure both would have driven themselves - as I did when I started uni in 1978!

As PPs have said, parents dropping off their kids are expected to make themselves scarce quickly. No student wants the embarrassment of a tearful mummy hanging around in front of their new mates.
Whether you take him or not, go out for a meal the night before to celebrate his new chapter - not to say goodbye, he isn't emigrating and it isn't a sad occasion.

What's more important is to tell him that he can come home any time and for any reason if he needs to. He probably won't, but he needs the security of knowing that he can come to you in a crisis or if he's overwhelmed. But never make him feel obliged to come home.

It was completely normal, though. You bought anything you needed and couldn’t carry when you got there.

I think an 18 year old will often be able to handle the lists, the transport, the logistics themselves.

Not always, and no harm helping them if they want help, but I find the idea that they are ungrateful or ungracious if they want to act independently very unhealthy.

Suppose they had left education and were starting a new job. Would you follow them there to set things up too? University is different in the way it combines living space and work space - they'll be meeting their new "colleagues", even if you are preoccupied with them furnishing their rooms.

There's also a lot to be said for starting out with the basics and adding to them over time, in student accommodation. No point in everyone bringing a set of pots and pans to a small shared kitchen, good to know more about the space and facilities and temperatures. It doesn't need to be a massive logistical exercise with lists and planning and scheduling.

Yes, some students still do rock up "with rucksacks" - more international students than UK, but some local students too. And that works just fine. Nothing has changed to make that absurd or impossible in 2026.

A supportive home life makes a huge difference to students' resilience and mental health, in my observation. Knowing they have a safe home to go to where they won't be judged and someone cares is one of the key indicators that they will get through occasional dramas just fine. That doesn't extend to insisting on being involved in their university lives when they are indicating that they would like space to operate independently.

Students staggering off the train with rucksacks and wheelie cases are still a very visible phenomenon in Autumn around here. Nobody is looking down on them or assuming they are unloved or relics of the past. Lots of friendships formed as they make their way to halls and settle in.

Literally, the boys I lived with did not want or need cushions and chopping boards...

I think DS sounds very independent and that's to be applauded.

My DS went to Uni 10 years ago (!) and me and DH did drive him over, but he had a lot of stuff. We helped carry it all up to his accommodation and then he gave us a hug and waved us goodbye. He wanted to be with his fellow housemates and go and join in with all the planned freshers' events. We went off for lunch and I had a little cry and got over it.

We did the same for DSS a couple of years later.

They both appreciated the help of us helping them out with transport to their various accommodations which changed each year. But never did we hang around getting in the way.

If my DS or DSS had had their own car I am sure they would have driven themselves.

It may take a little adjusting on your part, but it's a rite of passage - DC leaving home. You'll soon find things to keep you busy - and you can look forward to short visits to see him.

If it helps my DS came back home after his 4 years - can't get rid of him now :)

Absolutely, I work at a university. I see it all the time.

Also if money is tight you don't need to buy him lots of new stuff - we sent ours with sheets, towels and duvet covers that we already had, because they're quite likely to get lost or ruined before they bring them home. If you don't have enought spares, then buy what you need but save it for his bedroom when he comes home. And others have said, the local charity shops will be full of china, pots and pans. In fact our local university now has huge collections of stuff dumped/donated by graduating students, which they sell off to the new intake.

Oo lots of thoughts

1. My DD is very neurotic and used to be really freaked out by people saying "I'm going to Leeds" or "I've got a place at Edinburgh". Unless he's applying with grades in hand, he's got an offer not a place. You should all get into the habit of calling it an offer because loads of kids don't get the grades. Double that chance if he's planning on travelling with a friend.
2. Adjacent point, the only thing on his mind at the moment should be working for A levels. It's a stupid system we have, applying with predicted grades, but too many young people are so drawn into the UCAS process that they forget to do the most important bit.
3. If you're at all worried about money I'd really recommend holding off on buying all but the bare minimum and that only after the place is confirmed in August. By that I mean, sheets and towels really. There is no need for loads of kitchen equipment until they find out what other people are bringing. And second what others say about charity shops - all DS's stuff was brand new and bought in one go in a local charity shop for a tenner - four mugs, plates, cutlery. DS's A level results were later than normal (2022) and his uni is Scottish so started first weekend of September. You can get everything you need in way less than a week.
4. We did take DS but by train. Great discipline as it makes you edit down. If you're not sure if they need something, abolutely don't buy or take it - it's only once there that you realise what's needed and frankly, Amazon takes care of that (eg coat hooks to hang over door, one of those radiator drying racks for clothes etc). Another friend sent her DD a rug and a couple of pictures. Or let them settle in on their own and then take them all the things they're missing and have lunch with them a few weeks in - that's much more enjoyable anyway.

Do you remember when you were pregnant and you got conned into buying ten tonnes of consumerist shit for the baby - special baths and nappy bins and 20 babygros and a special 'changing bag'? There's a similar 'going to uni' industrial complex that tries to convince you of so much nonsense you'll need.

Must be hard. But this is their day to organize as they wish. Funding shouldn’t have any strings. You could maybe visit a few weeks later?

Me too. Especially very slim delicate Chinese students hauling two huge suitcases each. They are so brave and determined - coming a long way to a very different culture ready to work extremely hard. They never complain of homesickness but it must be intense for them, but still a really wonderful adventure.

My father drove me to my university digs as I already had quite a few books. But I’d finished school at 16 and worked away from home for most of the year between school and university.

Dh used to cycle from Coventry uni back to Huddersfield to save money on the train fare when he was a student. His parents wouldn’t have gone and got him 🤣

OP I’m struck by your sentence that you’ll be living on so little to allow him to go - are you low income? Is he getting a full student loan?

But it's irrelevant now.

I'd let him go off and wing it on the basics for a few weeks, then offer to visit him once he's settled and pick up any bits he needs and take him out for a meal. It's amazing how resourceful you can be when you need to at that age. My Dad broke his ankle on the morning he was due to drive me back to uni at the start of the second term in first year. I was at a uni where you had to clear your room at the end of each term, so I basically had to take a suitcase of the essentials on the train with me. A friend offered to stop by my parents and pick up the rest of my things when she came to visit a few weeks later, but actually I didn't need any of it. I told her she didn't need to and liked the fact I could pack up my room really quickly at the end of term.

If you mean 3/4 bedding, get sheets from Amazon and then a double quilt.
Pans could well matter; mine needed induction pans.
Make your own little list but keep it to yourself for now.
Mine couldn’t talk about it this early because of the fear of not getting the grades. Then started crying the day after results day when we went to buy crockery because it was suddenly overwhelming. My list was needed then because we just had to be in and out.

It's far too early for this sort of discussion.
Anything could happen.
He might not get his grades. His friend might not get the grades. He might get the grades and decide not to go anyway. He might end up in different accommodation to the one he has chosen and the kit list might end up being completely different. He might end up in catered accommodation.
If you are worried about the costs of all the stuff he needs you could work out now how much it is going to be and save a bit each month in a savings account so it is there in August.
You can order stuff online and get it sent to his accommodation.

Same here (in 1976!). It just wasn't the done thing for parents to take their children in those days (we took a lot less stuff, mind).

We all had to go for interviews at university back then, too - we went on our own. There were no 'Open' or 'Offer holder' days.

It’s not at all irrelevant. Students still arrive in their accommodation solo all the time. The hovering parent making beds and folding underwear in drawers isn’t a thing.

Weekly phone calls and letters are from a bygone age. Texts and FaceTime now.