Deflated about son going to university - logistics

[manywanderings]

So there I was getting all organised and excited about the bedding and kitchen items needed. We'd chatted about finances and accommodation choices put in. And thinking about when we drop him off in September and reading about how parents get them at least helped unpacked and settled in the room. And when I mentioned about driving him over and everything fitting in the car and maybe we'd need a roof rack he just nodded. Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted. Basically he doesn't want us there - he just wants to go off with his friend - they are going to the same university. He said I won't need much - just my clothes and computer. I said yes you will there's a big packing list - bedding, kitchen equipment, laundry bag and so on. So just offloading there. It affects us too - him effectively leaving home.

So I know that's the case, he suggested it twice and we said no twice. He was the same when it came to an open day - wanted to go independtly with his friend and didn't want us there. I know at 18, and driving, they are adults, but - it's a transition for us too. And it hurts because we are sacrificing a lot for him to go and we're going to be living on so little to help fund him (obviously I haven't told him that and it's not "pay as you go", but we're doing it out of love and ouch it hurts that he doesn't even want to share that first moment there with us. He just wants to go independently. I could almost accept that, except logistically we will have to go - there is too much stuff. And it'll be harder now knowing he doesn't really want us to. Presumably doesn't want embarrassing parents there. Even though everyone has that.

It's actually not that normal, it's pretty universal for parents to be there happily with nobody feeling strange about it, at least for first years in halls.

He will actually be overwhelmingly the odd one out turning up on his own, and although there will be a small number very few of those will be by choice.

Just say that to him. I’m sure he’d appreciate the honesty x you’ve done a good job raising him time for you and DH to have your own adventures.

I think there are some logistical things as well. That he hasn't thought of, It's not a holiday, it's a formal checking in process at 10am on the first day by college representatives, showing the room and various other things. The idea of him and his friend shooting off together, when they might not even be in the same college, and have separate 10am checkins in different parts of the campus, and son helping the other boy unload his stuff and missing his own checkin ...... while we follow in our car with his stuff and he's not there to unload it because he's double booked himself. At the moment it's all pie in the sky.

All says - it's too early to even talk about! They don't even know which college they'll be living in yet. The boy's parents might have other ideas.

But I accept we might have to be minimal if taking him over and just drop off and go. And we could send or take some things later. He is independent but he does still rely on me for things like getting the right bedding. Knowing what type of pans to get etc. I'd like to do it with him rather than for him so he learns why you choose certain pans and not others. Not that it maybe matters if it's just for university, but some have non stick that flakes off, some are too shallow. And he will need help carrying it all up 2 or 3 flights of stairs!

And now I think about it, I might find it a bit emotional. Will just park the whole thing for a while.

It really isn’t easier with girls. It just depends on the personality of the person. My friend has 3 kids and her first 2 are at university, a son and daughter. If anything, it was more difficult when her dd left as she has another ds.

As for us, dd is an only and I get she is an extreme case. She has an eating disorder. She doesn’t have a clue how to feed or look after herself. I am really trying but she’s sticking her fingers in her ears. Idk yet know how we are going to handle things if she absolutely insists she’s going. We’ve just told her we won’t be paying for halls. Luckily she has enough trust fund money from my mum because she’s not in the headspace to be able to hold down a job. Through much negotiation, she put down a commutable university. But she’s adamant she doesn’t want to go there. She wants to leave home, can’t wait. She’s yet to put her choices down and she’s not really aware of the process, because I’ve had to scaffold her a lot, and we are getting her to go to all the trial days first. Last one in a few weeks just before the deadline to pick first and back up choice.

All this to say, try not to worry about your ds. I get it’s difficult. Please take a step back and ask yourself why are you giving your ds so much that he will be able to continue to have a car in the holidays whilst compromising your living standards to such a degree. If you can’t afford to pay for everything, it’s ok to tell him he will have to get a job to top up his loan and you can give him x. He sounds very capable and I would love to be in your position. So don’t sell yourselves or him short.

Awwww don’t be hard on yourself I have observed its extra difficult with one child or the last child leaving home.

I suspect things will change closer to the time and you will end up taking him.

Personally I would start collecting some basics for him now without his imput so you can buy second hand or bargains.
He will think about you when using said items, I found DD incredibly grateful for everything we did and home comforts even just six weeks later.

Try and focus on yourself and your DH, you will need something to fill the void when your DS has fledged.
I booked us dance classes, we joined a budget language conversation class and purchased a camper van.

I also think you should be encouraging your DS to get a job if possible whilst at Uni to give you a little more financial flexibility.
Sometimes jobs they start in home locations can be transferred if it’s a national chain or perhaps your DS can look at paid Uni roles such as student support.

DH and DD started a lovely tradition of sending postcards which continues almost 10 years later.

Oh and join the Uni/leaving home threads on here for lots of supportive chat.

This is massively too much about you and not him and I’m starting to see why he wants to do this alone.

He doesn’t have to get everything right. He can learn his own preferences around household items as he goes along. He needs to make his own bedding choices! Don’t smother him, and ease off talk about the subject until his exams are out of the way.

As an aside though, I actually think he should know that this is a massive financial undertaking for you and will impact you greatly. Not from a point of guilt but responsibility. It’s not a 3 year social at your expense, he’s not there to mess about (yes of course he will socialise massively but he also needs to work hard and come out of it with a good degree or what is the point of your financial sacrifice).

Mine was like this. In the end as all the uni info packs came in he realised we’d have to drive him. Still extra independent but giving him room has brought him back . Try not to worry too soon!

It is tough. Dd went to uni in Sept and is very independent. I think it’s normal at this age to be quite focused on the new experience and be a bit self centred. I look back to my thoughts on going to uni when I was 18yo and i didn’t think one bit about my parents.

dd doesn’t keep in touch much. Doesn’t read or reply to WhatsApp’s very much. Rings when she wants money! She’s having the best time of her life though! 😆. I go over occasionally and take her shopping for the day and lunch.

So you might find he doesn’t need you anymore, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. But I agree it shows you’ve done your job well.

Best advice I think I can give you is find some stuff to fill your life with now. So come Sept you’re busy. Join some clubs, a gym, get a new dog, start some hobbies, whatever. And he’s back off your ds and let him make some of his own decisions about bedding, etc. but offer to take him on a pre university shopping trip for those sort of things, I took Dd on a day out to Dunhelm, The Range, Ikea.

If he mentions his friend again, just be vague and say that it can be decided nearer the time once people know where they need to be and at what times. Because you’re right the timings may not work. Plus his parents might want to take the friend. But just make out that you’re open to the possibility.

He doesn’t need you…..for this!
Listen to him. Respect his decision and stop treating him like a little boy. It’s suffocating and disrespectful.

I think people are being a bit harsh here. It's completely normal for parents to drive their children to uni, help them unpack, go out for lunch etc. It's also normal for parents to feel emotional about it all.

OP, I'd drop it for now- this is all ages away. Maybe late August/early September, have a chat about what he needs to buy from the packing list and start thinking about logistics together- you'll know about colleges by then presumably. He may well find his friend is actually going with his parents.

My DS is at the same stage, this is not the conversation to have right now as he has enough to think about approaching exams. I also think it's great he went to open days and is independent. You have to unfortunately get used to not being "needed" - You've done your job well! And no you absolutely shouldn't stay beyond offloading boxes, no unpacking, no settling in. This will be his life now. I know that's hard to hear but he'll appreciate you not making it about you.

Let him do what he wants to do, it’s his experience, it’s not about you.
I drove DD and her stuff over, unpacked in her room while she chatted to her new flat mates in the kitchen, then left. No lunch. It was what she wanted, not what I wanted.

I thought I was quite a good parent and was promoting independence. Our dishwasher broke this week. Asked my son to wash up a plate-the blob of fairy liquid was as big as the plate-he’d never really seen us wash up… we don’t hand wash things. Washing up skills and ironing at on my to teach list!

Oh dear no wonder he doesn't want you there you sound like you are suffocating him. Back off and stop making it about you, let him lead whilst keeping your boundaries of what you are happy to do. However I have to say that I often gave a friend or gf a lift when taking my son to and from uni - with both sets of stuff sometimes - in a small car as well. It was a squeeze but we managed. Sometimes it was because the other person's parents didn't have a car and sometimes it meant my son getting a lift with someone else another time which meant me not having to do it. Personally I would agree to giving the friend a lift it will be fun and sociable and your son will be really happy.

Please let him lead. I work at a university and can’t tell you how many parents get way too involved. It’s actually great he wanted to go to open days alone as it shows he wants to be independent and an adult. Pretty much everyone comes with their parents and the parents do all the talking and asking.

Then the kids get to uni and have complete meltdowns as they can’t do anything for themselves and it’s all too overwhelming. Then mum is on the phone asking us why the uni has let this happen.

your son sounds great and ready for this transition and I suggest you match him even though this is tough for you too.

In my years working in higher education, the best thing you can do is let them grow up, make mistakes and do it with you supporting but at a distance. I know it’s hard as my kid has been through uni but the students who do well are the ones whose parents have started to encourage independence now.

You’re still making this about you.

I think you are wise to park this and not mention it again until August. Difficult as that maybe, it will work out better in the long run

then ask about logistics, ask how he is going to do stuff - don’t take over. Being there in the background to fall back on is far easier for him to come to you

phrases “ we can help if you need” lets him know you’re there and willing

I still remember the day my parents dropped me off in 1980. My mother started unpacking for me and wanted to make the bed. I wanted to do it myself as I figured until I found my feet I would have a lot of time on my hands. She flounced and didn’t speak to me for 3 weeks. Don’t make it all about you. Don’t nag him. And it’s March, far too soon to be talking about the details.

I think as it is such a big sacrifice financially for him to go, that you do need to level with him about that. Not in a guilt inducing way, but in a "we need to know you can manage on what we give you because we don't have funds to bail you out if you waste them."

Explain this is the price of him studying away from home. The alternative would be commuting to a course from home.

But once you've been clear what funds there are, let him get on with it.

Try not to get involved with another young adult's arrangements (the friend).

I think you should focus on yourself and DH between now and August. What did you used to do and enjoy before he came along? Start doing more of that.

It’s normal to feel like you do, and it’s normal for your son to react the way he has. Don’t set yourself expectations that it has to be a particular way. Your son loves you and I am sure that he will mark the occasion appropriately. But as others have said, this is his adventure. He’s an adult and needs to figure all this stuff out for himself. If he gets to college with half his stuff missing then he’ll learn to pay more attention in the future.

OP, I think there are a lot of harsh replies here. What might have been standard in the 80's is not standard now. (Although all my friends were dropped by their parents even then). My DC is in a block with 21 students and every single one was taken by their parents when moving in at the start of the year. It is possible to do this without being 'over-invested'.

He's probably a bit baffled, and maybe even exasperated, that you're trying to have planning conversations about this six months in advance, and it's making him worry that you're going to make too big a fuss about it all when it comes to the time. That in itself might be why he wants to avoid fuss by going with his friend. Just back off for now and talk about it calmly when the time gets nearer.

Having read the whole thread, I can see it’s suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks that YOUR life is going to change massively. My advice to you is

• tell your DS sorry for being so dismissive of your idea about going with his friend, it could be an option let’s see nearer the time.
• tell him you are proud of him and want to support him without quashing his independence (don’t assume he knows this, say it clearly to him)
• start noticing the things that will be different for YOU day to day when your DS is at uni. You can then put your mind to what you will do differently. You can start new activities for yourself, either now or in the next year.

I have supported both my kids through starting uni, it’s emotional in many many ways but you will be fine. I did explain to them ‘if I’m fussing it’s not because I don’t have faith in your abilities, it’s because I’m panicking that I haven’t given you all the information you need to become an adult and I don’t want to have let you down as a parent’ but without laying it on thick, or making them feel responsible for my emotions.

Also...where's his dad in this? Can you hand more responsibility to him? How does he envisage your lives post September? What was his university experience like? Was he like your son? I was a very independent person myself but found it slightly easier to accept help from my dad because he was less emotional about it.