Deflated about son going to university - logistics

[manywanderings]

So there I was getting all organised and excited about the bedding and kitchen items needed. We'd chatted about finances and accommodation choices put in. And thinking about when we drop him off in September and reading about how parents get them at least helped unpacked and settled in the room. And when I mentioned about driving him over and everything fitting in the car and maybe we'd need a roof rack he just nodded. Then he said maybe he could drive his friend over in his car and take his friend's stuff and we could drive his stuff over. We both said no. (Hard enough dealing with one boy's logistics and two would be too much). He just walked off. I feel quite gutted. Basically he doesn't want us there - he just wants to go off with his friend - they are going to the same university. He said I won't need much - just my clothes and computer. I said yes you will there's a big packing list - bedding, kitchen equipment, laundry bag and so on. So just offloading there. It affects us too - him effectively leaving home.

So I know that's the case, he suggested it twice and we said no twice. He was the same when it came to an open day - wanted to go independtly with his friend and didn't want us there. I know at 18, and driving, they are adults, but - it's a transition for us too. And it hurts because we are sacrificing a lot for him to go and we're going to be living on so little to help fund him (obviously I haven't told him that and it's not "pay as you go", but we're doing it out of love and ouch it hurts that he doesn't even want to share that first moment there with us. He just wants to go independently. I could almost accept that, except logistically we will have to go - there is too much stuff. And it'll be harder now knowing he doesn't really want us to. Presumably doesn't want embarrassing parents there. Even though everyone has that.

It might be worth thinking about September and how you can adjust to the loss of them going to uni. My kids are all at uni and I’ve found working nearly full time massively helps- plus having a regular hobby twice a week and socialising when I can. It’s a huge change!

I did make DD’s bed, well we both did it together like we do at home! Otherwise I agree it’s drop and go. And wait until you know where he’s staying until you buy stuff. Some unis have double beds, my DDs bed in halls was single but unusually long (fitted sheets didn’t work), if you buy now you may waste money. My DS didn’t want to engage on buying things to take, we ended up buying loads from Dunelm 2 days before he left as he suddenly realised it needed doing. And that was absolutely fine. I agree with all the PPs, be led by your DS on this.

Agree with all of this
Start thinking what you want you life to look like...

Travel?

Volunteering (I have had so many new adventures and met so many new people through volunteering)
Rebuilding social connections

Getting involved in politics or campaigning (my friends parents just won a huge award for changes they made to local area in retirement)

Learning/relearning an instrument or other skill

Climbing the career ladder again (that's what my mum did)

Study of your own - learn a language or take an a level

In the most gentle and respectful way, OP are you autistic? Some of the expressions and phrasing remind me of my autistic relative.

In any case, try and get out of your own head and see what his reality and preferences are.

I do think just taking your ds and all his stuff is probably easier but there is time to talk about it after his exams. Hi can't dictate what you do and how you help and force you to include his friend, thats childish. Equally you HAVE to butt out and let him take control of things (such as which bedding to get etc) and immediately leave once you have dropped him off do NOT linger.

You have done your main job as a parent do not try and control him, enjoy his newly found freedom for him, reality will kick in soon enough.

Cut that umbilical cord now. But do don't be forced into arrangements such as convoying and stuff like that if it really doesn't work for you.

He is prioritising his relationship with his friend as that’s who he knows who will be at uni with him. Surely it’s more important for him to build that friendship as part of check in than share it with you, the non negotiable love parents!

In my experience kids just want dropping off. They will want to start making friends as soon as they arrive so you need to unpack and leave. Insisting on settling him in or taking him for a meal won’t help him settle or build those important freshers friendships.

Lots of the things he’ll need he can get from his Uni town. Places like Dunelm and Tesco will have offers on some things such as bedding and kitchen items. If he doesn’t want to take much I would let him. It really doesn’t matter if you buy those things now or he buys them as he needs them.

He probably walked off because he felt you weren’t listening? Would you say that was fair?

I do understand that it’s a change for you too. I felt awful for the for the first term but you do get used to not having them there. It probably helps that I have a pretty full social life too.

I do think too that the Uni drop off really isn’t the experience you’re probably hoping for. Lots of students will want you to drop them off and leave.

Let him go with his DF. It sounds as though they’ve been planning it together and they’ll have a great time.

Kindly ..... one of the aims of bringing children up is that they do not need us any more ... or not in the same way . That does not mean we do not matter to them.

Presumably he is going in September and you don't even know yet whether he or his friend will get in. I think all this worry is a bit premature! A lot of water will flow under the bridge before then and noone knows how he will feel by then.

All 3 of mine have been through all this and I honestly cannot remember worrying that we might not matter to them any more. We just went with their flow and wished them well.

It is slightly disturbing that you speak of how much this is costing you with the hint that this should mean he should want you more involved. Give that money freely and with no strings attached. This is how you will set him off on his life's journey and see your job as parents well done.

Plan new things for your own life going forward. That way your son will feel free to fly.

Leave it til the summer to discuss. He’ll change his mind by then when it becomes real

Take it as a compliment he is independent. Its his experience and digging your heels in and trying to micro manage won't work.

Rather than arguing about it I would say you need to look at logistics nearer the time of him taking friend. My stuff fit easily in the boot of a car - teenagers don't need much kitchen equipment I took 1 box with basics and bought stuff with others in the kitchen so we didnt have 6 kettles, 6 toasters etc.

Its hard to accept your child doesn't need you in the same way but don't let stubborness to do it your way stop you from being involved at all.

Is he suggesting this because his friend has nobody to transport his stuff to uni?

@WhatNextImScared he might not. If he has friends going he might want to travel with them

When DS went he didn’t have a car first year, DH dropped him and his stuff off but as soon as DS started talking to flat mates in the shared kitchen DH left. I didn’t go with them as had meetings but also looked after elderly dog. I went up a few weeks later after DS was settled in. If he does want to go up on his own this might be an option.

In subsequent years he had a car so hasn’t needed us at all.

Yes it's a big deal for you, but don't put this on your DS. You'd be better off focusing on spending time together before/after he goes e.g. finding an event you can go to together. Be proud you have raised an independent man who is excited for this next step with his friend. I'd be vaguely positive about his plans, but point out the practical challenges and let him solve it e.g. 'are you taking any cooking stuff? That could be bulky'. Nearer the time you can make a firm plan.

Obviously all family dynamics are different but it's very common at this stage in life for a young persons friends to be more important to them than their immediate family.

This will hopefully change again over the years and of course no one would like to barely see their child ever again. But you absolutely need to let go and build your own life and let him be independent. The more needy you appear the less attractive it will be to spend time with you.

You haven't said why money will be so tight. Is your ds taking out a student loan? Does he have a holiday job lined up? Can you increase your hours at work or change jobs once he is gone away and you will have more free time? Who is paying for his car that he won't actually need at uni?

I also think you are worrying about the logistics far too early. Unless your ds and his friend both have unconditional offers, there is no guarantee they will both go to their first choice.

I find all this talk of them 'leaving home' and it being like 'the end of an era' ridiculous. Most unis only have two 11 week terms. I went to boarding school aged 11 and there were three 11/12 week terms! Did I think I'd left home at the age of 11? No.

They are not leaving home!

Op can you arrange to go visit after a few weeks with the idea of taking and paying for a big food shop? Then a meal out. I always appreciated when my parents took me to Tesco and paid as a student.

Dont feel like you don’t matter, you will always be his mum. University is a big adventure and I remember wanted to be a proper grown up. Give it till after Christmas when he realises how boring doing washing and paying for food is.

While you don’t want it every week occasionally offer for him to bring his washing home. It will help you adjust and still feel needed 🥰

Christmas holiday did come round quickly!

I’ve just seen your comment about pans. We didn’t take any as some flats had induction hobs and others didn’t. There was no way of finding out which DS was going to get until DS was actually in the flat.

If money is going to be so tight, I’d see if he’s will to go to charity shops with you. Not everything he takes has to be new and most students will have white crockery so some patterned crockery makes it easier for him to work out which ones belong to him..

Also encourage him to work over the Summer. Some employers like Tesco or Wetherspoons might let you work at home and in the Uni town and just swap your shifts between the two. If he work for 3 months or so he should have a nice buffer for the things he needs when he’s there.

Working might also help him rein in his generous tendencies.

Are you looking at ways to increase your own income too? Living so frugally doesn’t sound like much fun. I know there are plenty of low cost things to do but having some money for going out with your DH or DFrieds would be good.

@UraniumFlowerpot with respect, until you have kids going to university, you really have no idea how it feels.

MNers go absolutely bananas over uni. The crying, the lamenting, the hand-wringing.

I chose to drive myself to uni. Thankfully my mother didn’t make scenes about it. None of us thought it was any kind of big deal. Many students did the same in those days.

As other posters have said: you have raised a son who is confident and competent enough to go off to uni on his own. It sounds like he will cope just fine. He will be back soon and back home after uni while he tries to get a job and save up place of his own.

I really don’t see that because you’re helping fund it means you get to demand to drive him and involve yourself. He can get a student loan. But even if he accepts financial support that does not give you the right to micromanage and involve yourself - uni is an aggregate benefit to him and the family - not a means by which you try to keep the apron strings tied.

Please just stop with the hysteria and dramatics and let him go.

Are you in that FB group, what I wish I knew about uni? Genuinely, I think that can give quite an intense expectations of the whole process! I remember parents in there giving tips about how they were going to make the bed etc last Sept.

My YP is the same age, having a gap year though, but I agree now is too early to discuss it. Just back off the topic and see how it unfolds.

I think you’re wildly unreasonable to be getting upset about logistics when he hasn’t even sat his exams yet. I couldn’t get my head around packing to go to university until after the relief of results day. Rein it in!

I have one who has left uni and one currently there, and my youngest goes to uni next autumn. So I know exactly how it feels and it’s completely fine.

How I feel is not relevant, and in any case. It’s not about you.

The pp is correct. No-one made such a big deal of going off to uni 30 years ago. And there’s no reason to make such a drama of it now.

Women really do need to have more going on in their life than their kids, it makes life difficult for them.

Please be happy and proud of yourself that you have raised an independent and confident young man .

I think the important thing is to be guided by them. I have two children at uni, and for both of them we did a few visits with them to cities they were interested in before they made their choices, but they did most actual open days on their own or with friends (well, in my eldest’s case the open days were all virtual because of the pandemic, but you get the point).

A few weeks (not months!) before they were due to leave we talked about what they wanted from us when they started. They both wanted us to drive them there (tbh there weren’t really any other options, given how much stuff they needed to take), to help them unload, and to do a big grocery shop while we were there with the car. They didn’t want us to help them unpack or to take them out for lunch or dinner - they just wanted to get on with things and not prolong the goodbye.

When we dropped my youngest off for the first time, my partner and I we actually decided to book ourselves a night in a nice hotel on the way home, so we weren’t coming straight back to an empty house. That was lovely - we spent the evening letting ourselves feel that emotional mix of sadness and pride, then shook ourselves off and started the next phase of our lives the next day.

The other thing I’d say is that, while it is hugely emotional and a big change, you soon get into a new pattern, and realise that university terms are actually pretty short, and he’ll still likely be at home almost as much as he’s away!

Step back as he is full of stress with exams right now. Also remember he is going to be excited at going but he will also have emotions about moving the uni and be scared and nervous. He might not feel able to deal with your emotions as well as his. Ds25 we dropped off, made his bed, took him for a shop then left. Ds19 who is going in September is not ready or interested yet in bedding, pots and pans so I have stepped back even though I am excited about getting bits for him.
as for life after, make plans! Dh and I made a list of places to go, some local, some a night away and have enjoyed having small things to look forward to. Terms are very short so he will be back regularly.