DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

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I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

i’ve had the experience of writing an essay for Oxbridge and having an enormous panic it’s not good enough. I think that’s very normal but there may also be real MH issues at play here. It’s complex. The shine of being at a top rate university does wear off. Has he settled in with friends?

A lot of assumptions made here, based on one non-Oxbridge student’s opinion, third hand?

Sorry, have to be clear, he doesn't think the 'lovely' tutor isn't up to the job, just that he's be too nice to be brutal about the essay. I don't think he means it as a criticism of this man, it's just another way he's finding to be critical of himself.

Not sure if this will help but I got to uni (a top RG) aged 18 and absolutely hated it. Wanted to drop out but decided to stick with it in the end as couldn't move back home (parents had kicked me out). Ended up with mental health at absolute rock bottom, and a crap degree as a result (2:2 when I'd always been a straight A student). It knocked my self-esteem horrifically and took me years to bounce back from this. I think it would have been hugely different if I'd left university (it just wasn't the right one for me), reset, and come back to it a year later. (And had caring parents like you, but that's a whole other story).

A friend dropped out of Cambridge for similar reasons, she is super bright but a perfectionist and could not cope with the pressure. She did brilliantly at another uni, got a first, went on to a masters and has had a good career.

You can reassure him they won't pussyfoot about. If they say it's fine, it's fine.

There are some who tend to be noticeably more vociferous with criticism, but they often aren't actually the better ones.

This is good advice

I've also heard that beginning of second term can be difficult. Novelty of uni has worn off, weather is miserable, difficulty of the course starts ramping up, they worry who they'll share a house with next year

But 4 hours per sleep per night is not sustainable or healthy. And if he really is unhappy and would be better to leave, so be it. If it comes to that, I'd suggest framing it as redirection / Oxford not suitable for him, not failure. It takes courage to change direction

There’s some great advice here.

In your shoes, I think I would lean into his perfectionism, and tell him that part of being the best version of himself is to acknowledge the struggle (which he has done) and then get acquainted with how to access the support he needs - ‘no man is an island’ and all that.

A rule I live by (that usually serves me pretty well) is to never make any big life decisions in February! It’s a brutal month, if I’m wanting to make a serious decision in Feb, I remind myself to hold on until I’ve seen the daffs in full bloom, and I’ve had the first bit of proper sunshine on my face. It sounds daft, but vit D deprived me is rarely in the best mental state to be acting on what is often an impulse driven by the end of a long winter. I have to remind myself to be kind to me (and others)!

He’ll get there, but he needs help, and not just from you. Learning to (sensibly) lean on others for help, guidance and support is a vital skill that he has the opportunity to start learning now.

My dd is a part-time tutor at Oxford in a STEM subject which requires significant essay writing. She is very young and the sweetest nicest person. She is always the first person that students seem to turn to for help with personal or work issues. But she marks essays just like all the other tutors. She provides a lot of constructive feedback, will pull students aside and go through points individually if she thinks that the work produced isn’t good enough and would raise concerns further up in college if issues were ongoing. Just because the tutor is ‘lovely’ doesn’t mean that they are marking differently.

Agreed. I remember tying myself into knots after my tutor for one paper had been vocally critical, to the point where I often left tutorials feeling as though I’d just been put through a spin cycle, while my tutor for another paper said a lot less, and had a far less adversarial style — which in my head meant my essays weren’t worth attacking, and he was just saying ‘Fine’ because they were too poor to improve. With hindsight, I was writing to the same standard for both. They just had very different teaching styles, and I found it easier to believe the bad stuff.

This is an interesting thread in that it does flag up one of the difficulties that I think parents are ever more aware of: do you push them forward, and often through, difficult patches, or hear them when they are struggling and prioritise MH at all costs.

Parenting isn't easy! Mine are younger but already the issue comes up. There was an interesting thread about sports day for much younger pupils a while back and I was surprised the number of parents who said just don't send a scared, unsporty child to feel humiliated and gain nothing from the day except having their feelings not listened to. I am sure thirty years ago the responses would have been quite different! I think, on balance, with that issue, I tended to agree (on reflection) BUT it gets harder when it is something of greater import and a real opportunity like OP's DS is grappling with.

Ds was a 4 hour journey away when at uni and we saw a lot of him during the first year. We went down every 6 weeks and he also came home. After the first year he didn't need to see us so much. He didn't need any help just needed to touch base. I would go and see him or suggest he comes home especially it's only 2 hours away.

I just felt bad for my lovely friend who was so worried about her son who basically “dumped” any run of the mill worries / concerns he had during his time at university on her.

The worst had happened to one of his peers at school so all the parents in that group were super alert and worried about their young adults mental health. His university was literally an 8 hour drive away so my poor friend was left feeling so worried and yet pretty powerless. She’d be worried sick then he would perk up resolve the issue and was absolutely fine.

It’s hard obviously we want to help our young adult children if there really is a genuine MH crisis but there do need to be some lines. It’s really not easy.

Hi OP. Aren't these essays just for the tutorials - ie. a starting point for discussions? They don't need to be perfect, fully-formed essays to the standard required for coursework? Students are even encouraged to be a bit 'experimental.'

I don't know your DS at all, but it sounds to me that there might be something deeper going on for him right now. It's easier to stress about coursework than perhaps other issues? So you sense he's happy socially? Any ideas at to what else might be going on for him? When mine were in a flap, there was always some coursework / essay rant before the real issues came out.

Maybe go and see him or get him to come home next weekend and try to gauge whether all the essay stress is just a symptom of something else.

The terms are only 8 weeks. Ok, there may be a few more essays than at other unis, but look at it this way - Oxbridge freshers are catered for; have their beds changed and rooms cleaned; have no second year accommodation stress; everywhere is walkable; it's easy to find people etc etc. Unlike at other unis where they need to do their own food shopping and get buses across Manchester or wherever and worry about finding some dingy, overpriced flat share for the second year.

I would suggest to your son that he doesn't need to read whole books for a weekly essay. There is working hard and 'working smart.' He needs to learn how to dip in to books ti identify and draw out the relevant info. DS had friends who always felt they had to read whole books and were constantly moaning about being snowed under. It's not always necessary.

I will probably get shot on here for saying this but he needs to learn how to effectively make use of AI - NOT to write the essays for him, but to give him ideas to bounce off and also a 'way in' or structure for essays. He needs to use these platforms very wisely, but they can elevate and expand learning if used in the optimal way.

This first year won't count towards his final grade anyway. One if mine just missed a First in Year 1 (69.5%). I remember he was annoyed that he didn't get to go to the 'scholar dinner' with many of his friends (it was only for people who got 70% plus). But he finished second in his tripos with over 80% and he is the first to admit he has never read a book from start to finish since he left primary school.

I'm sure your son will be fine, it sounds like his technique just needs some tweaking going forward. But check there's not something else going on for him. Good luck to him (and you)!

Having had 2 dc at different Oxbridge colleges and doing different degrees I think you need to take his difficulties very seriously. He is at risk of having a breakdown if this combination of high pressure, his perfectionism, lack of sleep and refusal to seek help continue.

He is losing any sense of proportion and the ability to make sensible decisions and look after himself.

You cant make him but I would be very fitm sbout him getting acadrmic and welfare / counselling support asap if he wants to continue. He needs you to step in decisively. Otherwise he is at real risk. Good you're visiting.

I think @Mangelwurzelfortea might be me. I too went to one of those fancy RG universities that people lump with Oxbridge. I'll spare you the grim details but I'm lucky to be alive and constantly told/tell my kids that dropping out is OK. Also Oxbridge have 8 week terms, it's like they're actively trying to weed out students, when they already started with the best of the best.

I'd be most concerned that instead of focusing on the joy of learning he's focused on a first. Because if his sleep isn't perfect and his mental health is top top that might be impossible. I too got an incredibly low 2:2, almost a third. It took years to pluck up the courage to go back for a masters (and really only did it because I was fed up of doing a job that I got paid less at for not having a masters). Turns out that when not in a pressure cooker environment I can ace my subject. Now I teach it at university level.

I felt it was really important I reach and and reply to you.

Like your son, I studied History at Cambridge, and typed 2000 word weekly essays alongside 3000 word termly coursework essays for the education side. I worked 7 days a week, spent week days attending lectures, supervisions and doing all the reading and notes, then planning and typing up each essay every weekend.

I want to give you and your son some hope that the first year is toughest in that you get to specialise and pick your units much more in Years 2 and 3. Like your son, some essays I wrote I wasn’t interested in or thought weren’t any good, but they were (also a perfectionist).

If he can, hang on in there, as second year onwards he will have much more autonomy over. His degree will open doors for life. Also, ask him if he has others on his course he can talk to- I had two friends who were lifesavers to have a moan and compare notes about how on earth to tackle some of those essays!

Good luck to your son, I hope he’s OK.

I was a humanities student at Cambridge in the early 2000s and would regularly phone home in floods of tears, begging to come home (and this was at the time when I had to use the public telephone situated in the corridor of my college halls, so I must have been desperate as everyone could just walk past seeing me mid-breakdown!).

My mum was very firm with me and insisted I stay; I was bereft, but over time it all improved and by my final year, I opted to stay at college rather than go home for some holidays.

If you can visit him for lunch or dinner, I would absolutely do that. Does he know any students from your home town at Oxford? Seeing anyone with a link from home always made me feel exponentially better.

It’s tough going, and there are lots of strange characters. The brighter weather will definitely help, along with the lure of the end of year socials.

Carry on being the wonderful and supportive mum that you clearly are.

No, not based on any single opinion and in fact there is a blog post published on the university's website about this.

I have to say I totally agree with all of your posts on this thread. It sounds like OP's DS is really struggling, but equally that a bit of tough love wouldn't go amiss.

I don't know the ins and outs of Oxbridge but can he take a week off sick? That's what I'd suggest if someone was near burn-out at work, and it can prevent much worse down the line. A bit of a break can give you the headspace to get some perspective when you can't see the wood for the trees. Is he just exhausted and putting too much pressure on himself, in which case he needs to engage with the pastoral support and learn to work smart? Or is he genuinely struggling and would be better making plans to transfer to a different uni? Either way, calling his mum in tears and putting that pressure on you when you're miles away is not really an option for an adult. I know he's only 18 and barely an adult, before anyone jumps on me, but learning how to navigate this transitional phase is part of being that age and growing up. Refusing to engage with support that is available isn't acceptable, it's not fair on OP.

Yes, this is sort of how I feel.

And it's good they talk, but it can be so hard for parents to judge what is venting to enable them to press on successfully, and what is a genuine cry for help.

And you can't exactly say "only tell me if it really matters." Because of course it all "matters."

Refusing to engage with support that is available isn't acceptable, it's not fair on OP.

I'm inclined to agree (with the last sentence. As for the rest of it, I'm much bigger, successful, dc of my own but I still ring my mum!)

I would definitely encourage your DS to speak to his tutor about all this and/or the college nurse or chaplain or welfare person. There is loads of support available. He just needs to access it.

My DD did a humanities course with a gigantic workload and she survived by simply not doing all the essays. She also had hobbies and a good social life. It is really important to get a balance. My DS did a STEM course, also with a huge workload, but had fewer hobbies and was much less productive as a result because he spent most of his time feeling miserable and stressed.

It’s great that your DS is talking and is saying how he feels. But it’s very hard for you because sometimes he may be just venting and you don’t know how he’s feeling once he’s vented. I think seeing him face to face soon would be a very good thing for both of you.

PS My DS was super super stressed during finals and I was very worried that he wouldn’t make it to the other side. My wise and balanced DH told me that it’s normal to be stressed and getting through it is all part of growth and resilience. Of course the difficult thing is working out what is normal and what is a red flag. Good luck.

In my days, post 1998, it was completely normal to stay up and do all nighters to then hand essays in. Often after you had partied all day/done other stuff. This then translated into staying up all night at work too (medicine, law, banking etc).

Unless he is having a mental breakdown of some sort, I think you should just let him get on with working it out. He is only in his first year. Everyone there is very clever and most will be going through the same thing.
For those of us who then went onto jobs doing the same, well it just continues from there.
What I would say is worth bearing in mind is that you are not getting paid to be at uni. A 2:1 is perfectly good enough and you do not want to burn yourself out at this stage of your life. It is a great he is doing other clubs and stuff too. He will mature and realise that with that level of competition in his cohort you have to make choices. Either work non stop and miss out on everything else, on the offchance of getting a first, or do what is required to get a 2:1 and make the most of everything else on offer too, including the networking opportunities, learning from others, the clubs all of it. Being a 24/7 work horse never translates to happiness and success long term. Human relationships and valuing the experience is always just as important.