DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

DS is a 1st year at Oxford and the work is immense. He does 5.5 modules instead of 4, in the 1st year in STEM due to a joint degree. He has said realistically that it is easier in the 2nd year and also more interesting, making it overall easier. We have had a calls where he falling asleep talking to us since he was awake to 4am completing assignments. He said this is normal and same for his peers in other subjects. Collections have just completed and feedback is pending, so hopefully your DS will get reassurance from his tutors in this and his ability.

Please get your son to talk to the Welfare team, you can ask the Welfare rep from the JCR to reach out to him. There is a Facebook group for Oxford parents who can offer personalised advice based in the college since it is common thread in there. X

I was at Cambridge 20 yrs ago doing a humanities subject.

I echo others who say this term is the hardest of all. I got through my first term on pure excitement at this new life I was living. Going back after Christmas, I realised how utterly exhausting it was, that I was having to do a lot of bits of my subject that I truly wasn't good at, that I was mediocre at best, and that in throwing myself into the social side of my college I was behaving in ways I didn't really like. I also felt excluded from some of the very things I'd chosen Cambridge for. I cried and cried before going back because I couldn't believe I had to do it all again, and keep going at that pace.

But it got better, SO much better - especially from 2nd yr on, when I could choose what papers to do that suited my interests and strengths. I found friends I could be a more authentic version of me with, and we supported each other through all kinds of ups and downs.

I hope your son is ok and can get through this to the point where he can enjoy his subject and thrive.

But equally if not, I think it takes huge strength to take a calm decision to drop out and start again if it's really not working out or is making you unwell. It's absolutely nothing to fear or be ashamed of.

I absolutely know that neither my degree subject nor where it's from have any bearing on what I've done since, and the Cambridge experience all seems rather unreal looking back. If I'd needed to rethink, I hope I'd have had the courage and support to do so - though I rather suspect I had neither at the time.

Good luck to you both.

Could your DS pop home for an overnight on a Saturday evening, a quick break might help. Sundays at our College seem quiet so they don't miss much socially

My finals were in exam rooms with 3 hour papers and no books (having books in the exam room is an illusory advantage - only those who know their subject can make meaningful use of the books). The exams took place over a fortnight and at the end I was exhausted but I didn't have to sit up all night consulting my notes to do the exams, thank goodness (though I did revise, obviously, which was stressful). The system you worked under sounds like torture - and awfully open to cheating in that you could phone other people (in your case your mum and ex - but it could have been a friend's mother who was conversant with the subject you were being examined on) and advantaged those students who had connections they might consult i.e. not just. Sudden death exams marked by anonymous examiners are the best way we have of assessing ability, knowledge and how to apply knowledge to questions.

I hope your DS is okay. A break over the week-end may help.

This is a good point. As someone who fairly regularly interviews/hires Oxbridge grads (law), a 2:1 from a rounded person with interests would be far preferable to a 1st if the candidate has had to sacrifice all other skills to achieve it. I hope your son is okay.

Different family dynamics come into play when we advise I guess, my mum has never been emotionally supportive even when I was a literal child so I definitely do not ring her with problems as an adult. But worth noting I did suggest a week off uni (at home, resting and getting a bit of pampering from his mum), not just leaving him to suffer.

Rather than helping him come home, help him cope with the work load, if you can.
If he has a part time job, send him some money so DS can focus on catching up on essays and leave some of his work shifts to someone else.
Buy him pizza delivery or premade meals delivered of an evening for a week or two.
Pay for the hiring of a tutor.
This will help give him confidence in knowing what work to concentrate on. (He could always become a tutor himself in future years.)
Research the student support services that he can tap into should he need to.

Yes, and I do agree it isn't fair to dump on OP yet refuse the other support on offer. When it gets to the point your parents are suggesting that, it is time to wonder if you could give it a try.

I would suggest sorting out the lack of sleep and the way to avoid that is priority. Everything is shit when you havn't had enough sleep. I was like that at uni. Having to stay up all night to get essays done and getting them in late (for various reasons) but I got through it and glad I did.
Hope you and he can get it sorted.

This is Oxford: meals provided in College, no part time work allowed, their housework is done for them other than laundry.

Sounds pampered I know - but the workload is really that immense.

Retired Cambridge tutor here. Absolutely agree with this. College welfare support is there to be used. They will have huge experience of this.

You can get all that in a catered college at Durham and the workload is much less intense. Just in case anyone is reading this while making university decisions!

I don’t know if this is a comfort or not but I now know lots of people who went to Oxford who didn’t like it either. They all graduated but wouldn’t necessarily push a child of theirs to go. I just thought @unistress might like to hear that and pass it on - you don’t have to love it, many people aren’t loving it.

The people I knew who really loved it were mostly (it turned out) heading for academia and did 3 more degrees afterwards so in retrospect not surprising that they had a different experience to most!

Better really to think what his aims are post degree. Does he have an idea of what line of work he wants to go into yet? Great work experience (and I include normal work like turning up and dishing out coffees day in day out, often valued by future employers, as well as industry relevant things) was a good focus for me at that time and has been of equal use since.

I think this is very good advice to appeal to his perfectionist side.

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, but I was in this situation at Cambridge and I very nearly dropped out. I spoke to my Director of Studies who was incredible and he helped me to slightly change course which helped me enormously.

But what really helped was thinking to myself - I’ve worked so hard to get here, is falling at the first hurdle really going to be my story? I knew I would forever regret it.

I stayed and I am so glad for the help of my DoS. He wasn’t pastoral as such but a very good advisor.

Do they take non-students? Asking for a friend ...

They probably would these days if you were willing to pay! I didn't know how good I had it. Fresh bedding dropped off every week and 4 or 5 dinner choices. Fry-up on Sundays. Magic!

Completely agree.
It sounds like sour grapes and jealousy to me.

'One if mine just missed a First in Year 1 (69.5%). I remember he was annoyed that he didn't get to go to the 'scholar dinner' with many of his friends (it was only for people who got 70% plus). But he finished second in his tripos with over 80% '

Oh, really! 😬

I got a scraped 1st from Ox and know lots of people who were in the top 10 in their year. No one got firsts every week in first year - it’s not realistic and the first year does not count anyway. You are not examined on every topic you do, so it’s actually quite good to have a range of different marks in a way - helps you to realise where your strengths lie so that you can target the topics and questions well for exams, to understand what a good essay is etc. For some, it won’t click until later.

I’d go up to see him, to see how he is doing and would encourage him to get help. Overwhelm is very real and understandable.

Do you think (brutally) that they are not just testing the students intelligence but also whether they are “tough enough” to deal with the pace?

Dd was invited on a taster day for one of the colleges and came back adamant it was not for her as the work looked too hard! Fair enough !

Don't bring him home for more than a weekend. This is a typical Oxford "essay crisis" but the desperation for a First is not helping him.

First of all, Firsts have to be earned. Second, an upper Second is highly respectable. Thirdly, knowledge accretes: he may perform at 1st class level by his final year. That's great - he'll be recognised for what we call "exit velocity."

He needs to see his College pastoral tutor, or talk to one of his subject Directors. Does he have a tutorial partner? If so, it might be difficult for him to open up, but if he sees at least one of his Director of Studies solo, then maybe a frank talk is in order. College tutors have seen this their entire careers.

It's important he finds a way of getting a sense of perspective.

Can he do a hobby, preferably a physical one, just to give him some respite, and to get him out of his head, so to speak?

Not once they've actually accepted them onto a degree, no.

The point of taster days is exactly that, what your DD experienced. To give prospective applicants a taste of what their lives will be like -- someone unable or unwilling realising it at that point is a win all round, meaning there aren't aghast dropouts in Michaelmas of their first year, and that people who realise it's not for them find a more suitable degree elsewhere.

Take a day's annual leave. The A level child will survive (I have an upper sixth child too, his A level mocks and revision and homework and sports and hobbies and everything will tick along fine, especially if I left at the time I'd usually start work, met the other child for a lunch and chat, then came home in time for an evening meal at home.

I'm glad he's spoken with his college mother. Can he get some further pastoral support? My friend was a councillor working in a Uni and I know she'd want anyone who was struggling in any way to talk with them.

It is hard and it is a shock to the system. I found the culture shock a lot. Being surrounded by so many intelligent and often incredibly posh people rather than my own crowd was discombobulating. I knew all my A level teachers really well as it was a 6th form at my high school. I felt like all my Uni tutors and lecturers thought I was thick as poop.

It sounds like he's an anxious young man, not in just a worrying way but in that he puts a lot of pressure on himself for perfection even if you're saying it doesn't matter whether he gets top marks or a first or whatever. He's in first year and it's a long road ahead if he's already at this level of stress.

I'm glad that he's open with you about how he's feeling. I hid all my academic panic from my family as I was the first to go to Uni and felt I'd be letting everyone down.

So I'd say - go in person to meet him face to face - it's showing your support but I think will help regulate both of you by having a hug and a good conversation over food - it's always my preference over a phone call. But also he needs to talk with adults at his college, personal tutor, pastoral support etc.

That's what I'm thinking ...

He wouldn't have got in if he wasn't capable of doing the work, but he needs to learn to seek support from College, and take one essay at a time- he is adding unnecessary pressure by being adamant that he wants a First. There is plenty of time for that, he needs to just get through the week, as we all do sometimes.
Maybe he has met some exceptionally genius level people this term who have made him feel like he can't cope, in comparison to last term? It sounds very worrying for you with the late night calls etc. You can always get in touch with the College and ask for a welfare check to be done, if you are very worried.
If he really hates it then yes he should leave, but don't facilitate it yourself, he needs to own the decision. Maybe he could decide at the end of term?