DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

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I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

Doesn’t sound like the right uni for him and certainly not sustainable to be like that for 3 years.

OP, I can identify, had repeated calls and messages like this over 4 Years STEM (recent Ox graduate). Only you know your child, so can make the best call as to whether to visit or not, and when.

Openday's approach and advice seems good to me (and they sound like a really lovely tutor ). Mine did not feel able to speak to 2 of their 4 tutors (half of whom were world class researchers, but think skipped teaching practice lectures- can't understand recent topic? = ' you need to read more'). They seemed at times almost delirious from the lack of sleep getting problem sheets in.

However they did contact Welfare, and a nice Junior Dean, both of whom checked in on them.

When I could, I did travel there and back as soon as I could after these calls. I usually took them to D & Gs for an ice cream, even when icy outside. Or for pizza. Usually by the time I got there, the crisis had passed. Big hug to you both.

The A level child will survive ..... everything will tick along fine.

He won't be worrying at all about his dad being in hospital....

How is your son ? I also have one at Oxford second year doing humanities , had a phonecall last week saying he was sick of it

He sayhe wanted to come home for a night then changed his mind said he was tired with a hangover and he felt it was very insular, I offered to go to see him he said no and he spoke to his brothers and dad and said he was ok ,I know how worried you must be because now I am , he was fine before now

So he just face-timed in a really upbeat mood. Turs out neither of his fellow tutees did the essay at all this week and he spoke to the tutor about the skill he has been struggling with and said he found it really helpful. He also told me more about what he did on Saturday that put him further behind (though tbh I feel I would have had the phone call on Saturday night rather than Sunday had that not happened) and I'm so happy to hear of him having fun and socialising too. I actually feel quite cross with him about the dramatic and have said I really don't want a repetition next weekend (while stressing he must ring me if he needs to!) and he has agreed to contact welfare - though I doubt he will. I mainly just feel relieved of course! Ds2 were always going to visit him next week in half-term so we are back to that plan.

I can't express how helpful I have found this thread and I will be going through it again to pick out the advice to share with him, and doubtless will be referring back to it in the future too. Thanks everyone!

No, it's your job as a parent to help and guide him to learn to overcome difficult challenges. This is where parents go wrong and teach children to become WEAK by immediately helping or supporting them to give up and replace the obstacles with something easier. This is not helpful and actually damages him.

What he needs is added study support, or a study partner. He is getting lost in the subject and doesn't fully grasp it, meaning perhaps he's more of a visual person than a word person, or the books are too complex. Being lost, he has no clue what to do.

All he needs is someone to study with him and help him grasp the core subject. He should perhaps join a study group. Keep encouraging him to find someone to study with daily, or someone who has already done the class to guide him, and keep contacting him daily to check up how he's getting along. Once he gets a clear grasp of the subject it will become much easier, and he will even enjoy the subject.

Don't help him to QUIT. He needs to learn how to solve situations like this in life where he feels lost, don't know what to do or how to solve it. This will help him in his adult life many years in the future.

being obsessed with getting a first stands out to me. I have a phd from an elite university and taught students during that time and was a tutor etc. However, I was extreme perfectionist myself and ended up going into psychosis from the stress. I was incredibly able academically and passed my phD with no corrections, had publications and elite scholarships etc. But I was incredibly mentally unwell with perfectionism nd OCD and couldnt see it. If I ws you id be trying ot help him locate what is going on underneath. my perfectionism was field ed by extreme childhood trauma which it doesnt sound like he has but there may be something going on

I read PPE at Oxford a few decades ago - it sounds so very familiar. In my experience the first year was the worst and most pressured - 16 or 20
essays a term plus other stuff on top. It was so so hard to keep up. Many all nighters. Many tears and thoughts about dropping out. There wasn’t much pastoral support to speak of - hoping that has changed.

Things got much better in the second year. Pressure lessened a bit. More elective topics of my choice. And I had passed the first year so felt I deserved to be there.

i know many of my peers went through the same. A relative went to Cambridge to study Maths a few years ago and it was the same level of pressure.

All of which is to say what he’s going through is normal. This may help him feel a bit better. And there is a good chance it will improve as time goes on. That said, if he did end up dropping it’s not the end of the world - I knew quite a few who did and they all went on to do good things and were happy.

Hi, OP -

By the time I saw this thread you had a lot of good advice, from many but particularly the Oxford academic. I had little to add.

Of course this is good news, but I don’t think it is necessarily great news. DS is still reacting to others rather steering his own ship.

Like @LucyLoo1972 I am struck by his fixation on getting a First. He seems to have a results mindset, whereas as an academic I think his best chances of achieving that aim will be to relax a little a focus on learning.

Feeling better is fantastic, but getting some help with the underlying stress is still very important. And yes, as personal tutors we deal with this routinely, including the fact that each student thinks they are the only one having this type of problem.

Best wishes to your family

Remember working insane hours as a junior lawyer in a Magic Circle firm and saying how I had never worked so hard. All the former Oxbridge lawyers looked at me like I was mad! Was pretty normal for them!

Edit above: ….relax a little AND focus on learning

Re. the "I want a First" or "I must get a First."

I hear this quite a bit from students, who seem to think that a First is a magic key, and also that if they want it enough, they should be given it.

I ask them why they think they want/need a First. That gets them thinking a bit more rationally.

Then we can talk about how they think, what they're working on, and how they might produce work that is of 1st class quality. But it's the thinking and the curiosity that is central here, in the humanities at least.

He seems to have a results mindset, whereas as an academic I think his best chances of achieving that aim will be to relax a little a focus on learning.

As usual @poetryandwine puts it far better than | can.

A First comes from deep learning and an ability for this learning to be used in an independent way. First class work in the humanities doesn't just follow the requirements of the assignment - it goes beyond to offer an independent & curious approach to the material.

Actually, @ParmaVioletTea , I think you put it best. I especially like your idea of gently challenging the sense of compulsiveness we all know too well.

Bless him. Just thinking of the very similar calls I'd have made to my Mum if we'd actually had phones in first year rooms in those days... Come to think of it, maybe that's why they didn't - having to go to the phone box probably saved a lot of parental heartache!

I remember a speaker coming to my school sixth form and saying that in his organisation they specifically didn’t recruit people with firsts. They preferred candidates who’d also done other things as well as work. Obviously that’s quite simplistic and there are people who manage to do everything, but it can be quite freeing to think that a first isn’t actually necessarily the best outcome.

I think there’s also a big adjustment needed for many Oxbridge students who’ve been top dog at their schools and then find themselves in an environment where they’re nothing special by comparison with their peers. It sounds like your DS hasn’t yet recalibrated his opinion of himself and realised that his worth isn’t based purely on what grades he gets.

In the short term, it's a good idea to talk to/email the tutor. As a PP has said, submitting an essay plan or notes can be an option. Encourage him to reach out to the pastoral support systems, which can be excellent. The chaplain (whether or not he is religious) is usually a great person to talk to, but there are also deans and personal tutors, and Welfare Reps/similar in the student body. I knew someone who was really struggling, did all this, was still finding things too challenging and took a year out. There was a lot of support and she did return to finish her degree, so there are options other than dropping out. Being open at an early stage and using the support that is there can really help. Wishing all the best to your son.

Totally agree with this. The biggest disappointment for my dc was the impossibility of going deeply into a topic, never having time to explore something. It’s a system that suits skimmers more than people who need depth and context. Also coming from a normal, non selective comp in a rural area, a lot of the skills required were totally unfamiliar and never explained. There were many things she didn’t grasp because she had no idea where her gaps were. Only in the third year, with a different and amazing tutor, did she start to feel more capable.
I think there should be far more understanding of the differences in education, with students from schools where very few ever go on to Oxbridge, and how much impact that can have, plus more support for students who may not have any idea how to ask for help, when they don’t know what is missing or what they are doing wrong.

From the perspective of someone who had to drop out in year 4 as things just got too much workload wise, id be inclined to let him do it. It's not going to get easier and it stings to have to give up so close to the finish.

I of course got my degree but never went back for my honours. So it looks like it took me a year extra to finish the three years I did as they only print the degrees yearly. When the truth is I completed my three years (and honestly found them a breeze) but then was snowed under for the fourth with two jobs and no sleep due to noisy upstairs neighbours so knew i couldn't complete that extra 20,000 word essay on top of the rest of the workload. I can't tell you how heartbreaking it is to watch that midnight deadline come and go and the work just isn't finished. There's such a great deal of shame that comes with it.

Looking back I could maybe have asked for an extension but tbh I don't think even that would have helped.

If he's struggling now, get him out. I wish I left at the end of my third year before it got harder.
Honestly I look back now and think who on earth did I put myself through that nonsense anyway.

Well done OP at continuing to be the emotional regulator and punch bag. I have a similar role in my family - he has got thru the first term swimmingly and this bump and getting back on track for the second term shows great personal resilience from him. I wouldn’t be cross with his ‘dramatics’ - I would be the opposite - proud that he felt not just able to come to you but that in doing so it was sufficient emotional discharge for him to grab the steering wheel back. Keep that open door, keep checking in with listening, support and signposting. Your Dc continues to massively achieve in an exceptionally challenging and demanding environment which most people never reach and many others are unable to see through. See him as an Olympic athlete or F1 champion - they all have a huge expert support team getting them through.

You can adapt your input each time - eg remind him of how he got thru last time - ask him what he thinks is the best next step (he just needs to decide what actions are the best in the next HOUR). There is also a good technique when someone is in a blind panic to point out the exit strategy - that’s often enough to relieve the crisis allow them to think, decide and take an action which doesn’t involve the exit.

My DD started this year at a very rigorous uni (16 assignments and end of term exams each term) it was also very
socially challenging for her. On one of her meltdowns I said “Pack a cabin bag, I will book a flight that you can hop on this evening, we can drive over to clear your room at anytime this term, look at reapplying thru UCCAS for Sept (and if it was this term would have said can do clearing etc)

Her response was …. “No, wait….”

Only other thing to consider is any chance of ADHD as this shows up under stress. And if there was any possibility of undiagnosed it would be better to get L ahead rather than fall into the boom / bust cycle that takes its toll on everyone. Even intentional ADHD lifestyle adaptations without any diagnosis or medication might be enough to keep him emotionally regulated.

Thanks for updating, OP! I'm so glad he's feeling better; that's great.

Life can look very bleak when you have looming deadlines and not enough sleep.

He may not want to contact the welfare team now, but at least you've planted the idea in his head, and he can get in touch with them at some point in the future if he feels he's floundering.

Excellent advice from @poetryandwine . I don't think being fixated on getting a First is unusual for Oxford undergrads, at least at the beginning. They come in with all these As and A stars, and they're ambitious. But hopefully they will relax over time and realise that the main point of being at uni really is learning and developing their strengths, not just getting top marks.

The first year is so hard, because it's not just about academic achievement, it's about managing being away from home and being in a new environment. They're learning so many life skills in addition to the academic skills!

You and your DS both seem great; best wishes to both of you!

2nd term, about week 5/6 was when a lot really struggled, especially in the humanities with an essay for the tutors to rip apart every week.
I remember term 2 when it wasn't new and exciting suddenly feeling a grind.

People had different ways of dealing with the essays, from the person who would work for 36 hours straight (he used to eat pure coffee beans) and then crash for nearly 24 hours through the people who did 8 hours each day to the people who read a little bit and threw it together.

When people were low they generally felt everyone else was in the last category and doing amazingly while they were working full out so they couldn't do more. This was not true. The former, not the latter.

As mathmos our preferred strategy was for us to work separately until the night the work was due in, then congregate together and pool our work until we felt we'd done enough to cope - we had a couple of all-nighters which were not good for our tutorials/lectures the next day.

I'd suggest rather than going up on Thursday when he's probably thinking he ought to work, to go up on Saturday, take him out of the city ("The Trout" is quite a nice pub - you can walk there across the meadows if you prefer) or go to G&Ds and just eat ice cream waffles.

And tell him to talk. Tutors are actually most of the time pretty reasonable people.
When my tutorial partner turned up 50 minutes into an hour tutorial still in his pyjamas (he'd played an ice hockey match at 4am and overslept, then locked himself out when he woke) the tutor was far more worried about his wellbeing than the fact he'd missed work.

There's normally a welfare committee - the chaplain is almost certainly one, and some of the tutors. They would rather you talk to them than just drop out and he won't be the only one in that situation, so he doesn't need to feel that only he is struggling - many people who are appearing absolutely fine are feeling similarly.

It’s only 2 hours and a 16-18 year old can manage to be alone all day including at night. I think your son should change to a less pressured university. First year shouldn’t feel this pressured.

I think your son should change to a less pressured university

For a high achieving student who is also ambitious this can be the worst advice there is and can be far more destructive than weathering what sounds like a perfectly normal Oxford storm.