DS in tears wanting to come home - so worried

[unistress]

I just don't know what to do for the best. He's at Oxford doing a humanity degree and in his first year. Home for Christmas full of how great it was - had positive feedback and couldn't wait to be back.

Since he got back he's said he doesn't like the new units he is doing and is struggling with the essays - it's one a week there, sometimes two. Last week he rang in the middle of the night the night before his essay was due saying he couldn't do it. However, he got it done, said feedback was 'fine' and was messaging excitedly about the optional modules for term 3 he's had to pick this week.

But tonight he rang again in a state. He has two essays due tomorrow - well, one was due this afternoon but is obviously late and the other was an extension from last week - so it's piling up. He says he has done loads of reading and he has a plan for both but they're 'shit,' and he can't write them. He started off saying he would do them overnight but then switched to saying he wanted to come home and he's dropping out. I have persuaded him to stay until the next holiday (4 weeks) as it seemed so sudden and rash. I told him to email the tutor, sleep tonight and see welfare tomorrow but after saying for a while he wanted to drop out he said he was going to do both overnight. I then offered to pick him up but he said no.

I'm so worried I've done the wrong thing and should have just collected him. It's 2 hours away. He says he is getting 4 hours sleep per night as that's the only way he can get all the reading done and it's not enough so he should drop out. He is prone to perfectionism and catastrophising but I don't know if this is more than that. I just don't know what to do.

sure but no one is saying they have to do it alone. I’m a therapist employed by the university and this is a large part of my work. All universities have this resource but the students have to take responsibility for accessing it.

if they really don’t want to see a professional there is a lot of overcoming perfectionism self help material online.

If you can get in the car, maybe you should.

Not necessarily to bring him home, but for a chat and a show of support.

It sounds to me as though it is a bit of a perfectionist meltdown. Even the bright students will feel pressured at Oxbridge, and perfectionists by definition don't like the feeling of not sailing along, well, perfectly.

I am sure he will get the show back on the road after a break, but the gesture of driving to have a chat, perhaps shout him a nice meal out, might just help. And at least you won't be stuck with guilt.

I feel for your son! Ive outlined my own experience if it is any help. I did a literature degree in Cambridge around 20 years ago and had all sorts of crises for the weekly essay in my first year. I was obsessed with showing 'originality of thought', and the issue was our tutors didn't provide a mark so I had no idea whether I was aiming for a first or a 2.2. We got to the end of first year, which wasn't a real year for exams like it is in Oxford, got on average 67 or so, and realised I was on track for a reasonably respectable 2.1 by putting the work in but not driving myself mad, and calmed down a lot thereafter! I think it is an intense environment and terrible for perfectionists, and the other thing is certainly in our cohort students didnt really discuss their essays due to the 'originality of thought' obsession. I found scientists for example tended to be a lot more collaborative and supportive of each other. The one thing I would say is the essays are weekly but didnt actually count to anything so it is a good opportunity to experiment, try new things (and learn to write 2500 words in a 4 hour session). It is a wonderful environment but you have to learn to keep your sanity. Outside uni your grade doesn't matter so much unless you are aiming for academia.

Hi OP. I was your son 10 years ago. One of the biggest learning curves I had was that Oxford is not as 'set in stone' as it appears. There were many times I went home for the weekend and only sent an FYI email to my tutor if it would have interrupted a tute or seminar - they were fine with it. They are used to dealing with this kind of thing and would absolutely prefer a student to go home and take a break than try to power on and risk their mental state.

Maybe encourage your son to challenge himself personally as well as intellectually for his next essay - he'll have heard this before, but essays at this stage in the degree are much more about experimentation and trying out new ideas, and he doesn't have to run madly around the city looking up every relevant paper! I realised quickly that not everyone at Oxford (especially in humanities) were as serious as I was about studying, and it was easy to keep up and do well even if I occasionally just read the introduction to a book rather than the whole thing.

I’ve no experience of Oxbridge.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Be available and supportive. Advise him to speak to uni. He’s an adult and needs support in dealing with things as an adult.

If it helps with perspective, I regularly pulled all-nighters to get stuff handed in. Remember watching the Oscar ceremony live (at about 5am?) three years on the bounce, having just finished. I also regularly ended up in tears saying I couldn’t do it (though to myself or boyfriend rather than mum, who was totally oblivious - not sure she even knew what course I was doing 😂). Some people just work that way.

But others can genuinely struggle. Obvs if you’re worried about someone’s mental health, always best to take it seriously and encourage them to speak to wellbeing team etc. And let them know how strong they are and that they can do it. But also if it’s taking too much of a toll, it’s important to have a (temporary or permanent) break. Health should always come first.

I wish it was like school where you could ask for a meeting with the teacher and sit with them together!

I've had these meeting with students and their parents, particularly those who are really struggling with their mental health. Ask your son's personal tutor, it should not be declined. If it is, find out who the year tutor/course leader is and ask them.

It’s ridiculous he is fixated on a first. Stupid amount of pressure

Oh I feel for you. My son is a lawyer. At one point he was doing a trainee seat in banking with a manager who was really tough. Would shout, swear, expect him to work long hours. My son is normally a really upbeat but he was crying every day, talking about jacking it in... I was really scared he would do something stupid but equally thought that if he could somehow get through the 6 months he would feel a huge sense of achievement. It was hard not to just tell him to give it up (as indeed his girlfriend's parents were saying!) but he ended up speaking to HR for support, they gave him access to a therapist and he stuck it out. He talks about it a lot as being tough but that he learned he can do hard things and he can stick things out when the going gets touch. He feels if he'd jacked it in his career and life would be taking an entirely different route now. I do think it's important to try and let our kids make their mistakes and face challenges without rescuing them if it's at all possible (my son is now thriving in a highly pressured role in London, working incredible hours but handling it brilliantly). But the key is to get him to talk to someone to give him the tools to get through this. Good luck!

Just to address the point and concern expressed by several re: workload and Oxbridge stress. Oxbridge colleges can vary hugely so my experience may not be universal however, there is a quid pro quo in going. I described my college as a boarding school with alcohol and greater freedom. I didn’t go to a boarding school btw, I was a first generation from a comp. My college
provided 3 years accommodation, food on tap, a ‘bedder’ (cleaner), was right near the lecture theatres, libraries so no travel, banned term time working, offered additional financial support… all of this was the trade off for producing those two essays a week.

@unistress I also noted that the public school kids ‘got’ the ‘system’. They were confident, savvy re: the end point,
unworried about missing essays. Good luck to your son …and you!

Eldest DS went to New College Oxford. Their pastoral and counselling systems were very good. I would visit at the weekend and work with him to seek available support. Missing a couple of essay deadlines really should not be a problem in the greater scheme of things and I do think he will really benefit from his education in the longer term. He just needs the right support. If you look on the individual college website you should see the numbers and contact points available, both from other students and the college.

It’s a tough one and I feel for you.

DS is doing a challenging degree at a top RG uni )final year now). At points he’s really struggled with his MH and has freaked out about his uni work as he thought he was doing badly (he wasn’t). He loves his subject but it was just overwhelming.

Last term he came home for a couple of weeks and accessed what he could online - wellbeing /his tutor were great about it. His MH was rock bottom so there was no way we were leaving him in that state. He didn’t want to drop out so we just help him emotionally as much as possible.

Id’ def advise your DS to speak to his tutor/well-being and go from there. Ultimately Cambridge may not be the uni for him as it’s not going to get easier.

I was like this, did 4 year degree, I hated every moment of it got a 2:1 in the end but it was a waste of time and money and made me really depressed.

As many Oxbridge grads and tutors have said, this is absolutely normal for Oxford. I could easily plot a roller coaster curve of DD's time time. He's been there for such a short time so far that he needs to manage his own expectations and perfectionism and enjoy living in a beautiful place before he starts to see the social sciences library as his second home (which he will in Trinity).

I have spoken to him this morning and he does seem better. He's done one essay and half the other and said 'Of course' he isn't leaving but he hates it there. I''m unsure where that leaves us really. He was refusing for me to come but I have said I'm going on Thursday and he has reluctantly agreed. He's still refusing to see anyone for support as there's 'no point.' He is also saying he's not a perfectionist as he knew his essays last term weren't perfect but he was happy with the feedback he was given. This term he has described the tutor as 'lovely' but says if last term's tutor read these essays he would tell him straight they are 'shit' but this one won't. Don't what to make of that tbh and how to unpick it and work out if it's true and I don't know that it would be helpful for me to try. I do know last term's tutorials were one to one and this term there are three of them so I assume he is comparing himself to the others and has decided he's doing worse. Whether that's the case and whether it matters is another thing.

I empathise so much with you, my daughter sounds very similar to your son, obsessed with every essay being her best work. Re-writing and procrastinating.

I too had a Sunday night phone call, where she was sobbing on the phone saying she couldn’t cope, couldn’t do it anymore.

As a parent it is heartbreaking to hear your child breakdown and not be able to fix it for them, With my DD outwardly I remained calm, sympathised and told her to prioritise sleep and most importantly seek help from her tutor and the uni.

I reassured her it is absolutely normal to feel this way in your first year. yes it feels like the end of the world, especially when you have always been the star pupil, but in reality it’s one or two essays which don’t count towards your final grade, and to try to put it in perspective even though that is incredibly difficult.

Dd got some help and advice from her uni where she learned to prioritise her reading, she logged on a spreadsheet all her time spent studying which helped her to see in black and white how much she was actually doing, and treated her academic work as a job. Every day she structured studying at the library with built in breaks.

We paid for her to join a local gym to help with physical and mental health. she came home almost every weekend in the first year (we were an hours drive so a bit easier) where she was looked after and washing done, meals made. This helped her cope. It got her through and in the second and third years she came home much less and there were less frantic calls.

DD eventually achieved a first but it wasn’t easy and without a lot of support, both from us and her uni she wouldn’t have done it. It needed her to change her mindset, letting go of everything being perfect, managing her time, both in academic terms and self care.

i do hope this goes some way to help, it’s not easy and I wish both you and your son the best.

I went to a red brick uni and found when I visited friends at Oxbridge many students were of course highly intelligent but also brittle, anxious, overwhelmed, less worldly (and less opportunity to become so) and many seemed to drink a LOT to cope. This was 25 years ago. I felt grateful I had made the decision not to apply there.

Your poor DS.

FWIW, one of our DC is at another university where many Oxbridge humanities graduates do a Masters degree. There is a real issue with the Oxbridge graduates being poorly prepared for the essay writing expectations on the Masters courses: Oxbridge humanities undergraduates are overtrained to do quick-and-dirty superficial research, to emphasize theory and to be argumentative and they have to quickly unlearn habits acquired over three years under duress and to write much deeper, better researched essays over several weeks. Since they aren't stupid they do mostly manage to overcome the change of emphasis but it comes as a huge shock to most of them as they expect their performance to be right at the top of the cohort from the outset.

This is basically to say that the Oxbridge way is not the only way. If your DS is suffering, perhaps it might be worth thinking of changing university?

My grandsons are at uni’s and have had bouts of “can’t cope” and homesickness - but they’ve passed, and they love it now they’ve both settled down.

Most uni’s have pastoral care - I’ve give that a try before it ends in him giving it all up.

This sounds right to me

This

This is very true.

He's probably doing OK, but he's having issues managing his time.

Tell him to get himself to the tutorial team. They are literally here to help in these cases, and they can do so. However, they can only do so if the student will engage with them.

Essays can have extensions. If the essay is too much - the tutor may suggest that he submits a 'plan' instead, so there's something they can discuss and give pointers on. The pastoral team can also work with him to see what's causing the disruption/stress, and suggest ways he can alleviate it.

I'm glad he's feeling a bit better this morning. While he's feelign a bit more positive is a good time to gently suggest to him that he gets some help.
Please don't underestimate the pressure that this kind of academic environment can have on some students. This can seriously impact his mental health which I'm sure you already realise and are worried about.

He's at Oxford, so he'll have done really well at A level, almost certainly one of the best at his school. Now he's at a university where everyone fits that bill. There will be students a lot brighter than him who probably find it a whole lot easier. That is a new pressure added to a new environment with new demands and much more of a need to be self-regulated in terms of study time and planning.

I'd suggest, from what you've said that he's not managing the self-planning and organising very well. It sounds like he's leaving his essay writing far too late. With weekly essays you need to be on top of planning. He needs a routine. But easier said than done, I know.

Try to get him to speak to someone in student support. They will have been here before with many, many students. They really can help. It's not a failure to reach out, and it could really save his uni experience.

He probably won't want to talk to someone, I get that. Impress on him that the way he's going isn't going to get him that 1st. He'll be lucky to make it through the first year and it gets tougher after that. The first year academically is an introduction, designed to allow students to find their feet.

If he really wants that 1st, he needs to address the issues now. I know it's tempting to tell him not to be obsessed with a 1st but I've been there, that was me and nothing would have convinced me not to keep pushing. What he needs is a better strategy for getting there. And that might just be the leverage you need to get him to seek help.

I have lived in Oxford for six years and know many students and lecturers. There is a general attitude that undergraduates from an “inherited” (my phrase) place at the university (parents and grandparents went) have a very laconic view of it which helps them through. They are proud for getting in, aware that the pressure is on but don’t take it too seriously because they’ll be fine after anyway. They joke about their teachers “trying to be tough”amongst themselves. I’m aware that some do take it seriously but it’s also evident that many take themselves a lot more seriously than their work. The university is often also very slow off the bat to respond to any issues too.

Sorry for your son. He sounds like a genuine person who is genuinely bright and works hard. The colleges have counsellors who are very aware of student stresses and access to doctors who can prescribe anti anxiety medicine if needed. It’s hard to remember that there’s a whole world out there that he can make a difference to no matter what he chooses but I hope he manages to find a comfortable space of his own here.

You can PM me if you like as I can give an idea of good therapists if needed.

My brother went through this his first year at Oxford. Huge anxiety and wanting to leave. I think it’s a massive culture shock for some in many ways, including the working demands. My mum gently encouraged him to stay, he also sought advice from tutors and counsellors - he ended up staying and graduating with a first class degree and doing a DPhil there. I say all this to say that your son is not alone in his feelings, and speaking to his tutors is a step he can take to balance his workload. If he is really struggling interruption is probably better than dropping out. Get him to speak to his tutors about the options.

Actually, while I have full sympathy for his stress, the bit about the tutor being "lovely" but essentially not up to the job is a bit arrogant.

IME sometimes the more critical tutors aren't necessarily the best. A lot of the defensive ones are the quickest to tell students their work is "shit."